Treasa Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Yep pretty much this. It took me getting over the age of 30 to pretty much just stop giving a crap what people thought of me and started living for myself and being happy. I just decided I was going to start doing the things I loved regardless of what anyone else thought. Taking care of myself. Surrounding myself with only those who love and care about me (this includes men). Eating well and going to the gym. My political activism. Not apologizing for my opinions. It's actually really empowering. And the right dude will love all the things that make me tick. I don't have to try and be something I'm not. Jerks and players are attracted to women they sense will roll over and take whatever they dish out. Their inconsistency. Their wishy-washiness. Their hesitancy to call you a girlfriend. It's really all BS. The bottom line - I'm happy and my self-esteem is intact. And that really is the only way to date. As is often the case, she will be replying for me for the rest of the day. I can't "like" this enough. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 There is nothing wrong in establishing a friendship with a woman as long as you let her know your interest is not just friendship. A woman also likes to be appreciated as a woman and that includes her sexual side. Do you think fear of sex is holding you back in a loving relationship? And yes - this. There is a way you can make it known that you can't wait to ravage her (which is hot hot hot) without coming across as only wanting her for sex. I absolutely love when a man has an animalistic attraction to me. 2
CptObvious Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 attractive jerks are attractive. You're not special, lady.
TheGuard13 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 or people who just don't want to commit. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "use me"? I meet a guy, I start to like him, and its usually the same story, I'm more keen then he is. I like him more, I put in the most effort. Effectively, I seem to become a doormat. I just ended it with a guy who strung me all the usual lines about "letting us be what we are" and " he doesn't want anything to change." (which in my view means " I want to have sex with you without commitment for as long as I can, until I get bored.") NO. Ive heard this crap before. So I broke it off. Why can't I find a guy who likes me as much as I like him? Ok, this is kind of vague. So let's back up. How long were you with this particular guy? What was he like? What didn't he do for you, relationshipwise? Because from where I'm sitting, it kind of seems like you think that because he was not entirely blunt with you, he's a jerk. You know what the guy wants, because odds are, he's getting it if he's staying in that relationship. Unless he outright LIED to you about wanting a relationship, or a long term relationship, he's not inherently a jerk. Some people move faster than others. And wanting casual sex does not make someone a jerk. Manipulating someone for casual sex and lying and actually disrespecting them does. If what you want is a man who will put effort into a relationship, then start dumping them when they stop putting effort into a relationship. If what you want is a man who doesn't only want sex, then start dumping them when that's all that's happening. You all understand that just because a guy is getting what he wants, and you're not getting what you want, it doesn't make him a jerk, right? He could just be lousy at communication, or bad at relationships in general.
outsidethebox Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I see it all the time. Guys dupe women telling them they want a relationship or commitment, but all they really only want is sex. Once they get, it they dump the women. I know plenty of guys like this. How many times do these guys get together with the woman for sex before ending it? Once? Two or three times? What is the criteria for ending it? Isn't this scenario you describe a lot of work for having sex one or two times? Why would a guy willingly give up having sex with an available and willing partner?
pbjbear Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 How many times do these guys get together with the woman for sex before ending it? Once? Two or three times? What is the criteria for ending it? Isn't this scenario you describe a lot of work for having sex one or two times? Why would a guy willingly give up having sex with an available and willing partner? Not really, alot of girls give it up within 4 dates. Its not alot of work if he reallllly wants sex. Men are very sex driven. If he can turn it into a FWB situation and he likes the girl enough to do that, he might.
veggirl Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 So, Zanzi, do you ask these guys what they are looking for from the beginning? And do you walk if they hem and haw rather than giving a solid, firm answer of "a relationship" ???
KathyM Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Some guys will tell you anything to get you to drop your pants. They'll pretend to be in love with you, they'll pretend to be interested in commitment, and then when they get what they want, they'll dump you because they really only wanted the sex. Some guys are like that, unfortunately. You need to learn to weed those types of guys out. You do that by making them wait for it, and that will separate the serious guys who are looking for a relationship from the ones who are only looking for sex. The ones who are only looking for sex will come on really strong from the start, making claims of wanting to settle down, feeling in love with you, wanting a relationship with you really early on as a manipulation. They are telling you what you want to hear because they think it will get you to trust them enough and trust their intentions. Any guy that acts like this the first month of dating (putting the rush on you) is a red flag, and is probably just a player. Relationships and real love take time to develop. The guy that pushes too hard for it early on is usually the guy that is pretending in order to get what he really only wants, is the sex. You weed out those types by making him wait for it, until enough time has passed that you are convinced that his sentiments are real. Everyone attracts these types, but the smart women learn how to screen for them and filter them out. 1
Charlene78 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 or people who just don't want to commit. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "use me"? I meet a guy, I start to like him, and its usually the same story, I'm more keen then he is. I like him more, I put in the most effort. Effectively, I seem to become a doormat. I just ended it with a guy who strung me all the usual lines about "letting us be what we are" and " he doesn't want anything to change." (which in my view means " I want to have sex with you without commitment for as long as I can, until I get bored.") NO. Ive heard this crap before. So I broke it off. Why can't I find a guy who likes me as much as I like him? You need to look for strong signs of reciprocation when he pursues you. Don't play hard to get, but see how much effort he's willing to put into pursuing you. If his pursuit comes across as lackluster, then you will have your answer. Hold out on sleeping with men too quickly. That will weed out most of the men that are looking for an easy lay. Men that are focused on finding a genuine relationship and are serious about a woman will attempt to pursue her for quite a long time, putting in quite a lot of effort. Those are the signs you should be looking for. 1
Author zanzi Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 To be honest, I have put up with a lot a second rate treatment by guys, before I even knew much about relationships. Iv'e fallen in love with guys before and not told them so that they wouldn't leave me. Am deeply depressed at the moment. He came and tried to talk to me and I told him it was over. I thought he was different and trusted him, I held him in my arms and he stabbed me in the back. The guys I go out with? have ranged from 20 to much older, some of them are good looking, some average. One wasn't much of a looker. I'm not a shallow girl, and I choose guys based on how they make me feel about them, if I don't feel attraction Im not going to be interested, but Im not just talking about looks. as a FYI, I am in my twenties. I have yet to have a good relationship.
Author zanzi Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 and by the way, I don't go for "popular" guys. The guys I've dated couldn't be more different from each other. So it pisses me off when people say "You must be going for a certain type because your shallow."
Author zanzi Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 um... I am not "desperate" to get a man and I have already decided after seeing my dad cheat on my mum while she was pregnant that I'm never going to get married, but just have a partner Im not married to. Im not looking for a "meal" ticket. I want someone kind. Someone considerate. Someone I can talk to. But MOST IMPORTANTLY. Someone who loves me back as much as I love them. I have yet to find that. 1
Author zanzi Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I guess its hard for someone to respect you when you let them be disrespectful. to you. I just can't go on like this anymore, this pattern is nothing but pain.
Author zanzi Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I still want children and a partner. Why do we have to get married? Its a risk Im not going to take after what Iv'e seen. I come from three generations of divorce. No way in hell am I going to be the next women who walks in on her husband "helping" the children's nanny on the sofa because she was "tired", with the lights dimmed.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 (edited) I still want children and a partner. Why do we have to get married? Its a risk Im not going to take after what Iv'e seen. I come from three generations of divorce. No way in hell am I going to be the next women who walks in on her husband "helping" the children's nanny on the sofa because she was "tired", with the lights dimmed. I've never met a women that wanted kids but didn't want to get married. I guess that's becoming more common place these days. The positives of not getting married that it's cheaper to split. Divorce is expensive. I know I've been through it. Me personally I wouldn't have kids with a women until were married. Call me old fashion, but that's the way I am. I wish you luck. Edited February 27, 2013 by Soxfaninfl
thecrucible Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 (edited) Jerks are everywhere and not always obvious. Actually dating them is a choice you make. or people who just don't want to commit. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "use me"? You might very well do. I have been involved with jerks before. I take responsibility for that and I think part of it was the fact that I was vulnerable and acted vulnerable. You probably come across as vulnerable and not very empowered. I choose guys based on how they make me feel about them But they don't make you feel good, do they? I meet a guy, I start to like him, and its usually the same story, I'm more keen then he is. I like him more, I put in the most effort. Effectively, I seem to become a doormat. Just opt out at the first sign that something's up and don't call the guy back. Why can't I find a guy who likes me as much as I like him? You will. Btw check out baggagereclaim.com. It's my favourite relationship blog and has helped me no end in identifying which guys are the jerks. I still want children and a partner. Why do we have to get married? Its a risk Im not going to take after what Iv'e seen. I come from three generations of divorce. No way in hell am I going to be the next women who walks in on her husband "helping" the children's nanny on the sofa because she was "tired", with the lights dimmed. Not every marriage is the same. Besides, don't get ahead of yourself. If you can trust the person you're with, then you can trust them enough to marry them. The actions of some jerks is not an indictment against marriage. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Edited February 27, 2013 by thecrucible
ltjg45 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 There is nothing wrong in establishing a friendship with a woman as long as you let her know your interest is not just friendship. A woman also likes to be appreciated as a woman and that includes her sexual side. Do you think fear of sex is holding you back in a loving relationship? It's a possibility, actually. Given that I'm a virgin and at my age of 26, I'm sure most women expect me to preform properly in bed.....and I can't be confident enough to say that I will be able to preform as well as they want me to.
Author zanzi Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 thanks theconcourse, you answers are pretty accurate. I think I do come across as kind of vulnerable emotionally and some people sense that. Some people seem to be experts at noticing a women who isn't confident, or has personal issues and using it to their advantage. And up until now I have let it happen. But not anymore. I know what I deserve. For now I'll focus on my degree, and forget about guys until I'm mentally healthier and more confident.
TheGuard13 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I'm not a shallow girl, and I choose guys based on how they make me feel about them, if I don't feel attraction Im not going to be interested, but Im not just talking about looks. Why aren't you choosing guys based on how they make you feel about you?
Author zanzi Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 well I guess what I meant was, If they have confidence, and seem like they know what they want from life, and they make my heart beat faster I'll typically find attraction. I don't know. Most of what I feel about me is resignation, wishing that I were older, smarter, more successful. Being a student in my 20's sucks ass. I wish I could do more then just art. Had already finished my BFA. I wish I were more confident, that I could protect myself from bad people. That I made people laugh more, were less shy. I wish that I didn't have depression. It makes thinking good thoughts about oneself about ten times harder. I like how I look, my dark eyes and hair, that Im tall and thin and dress up real nice. But as for everything inside? I feel so young, stupid, and unable to spot bull**** when it's happening.
Author zanzi Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 I'd love a guy that said I was pretty and he loved me and meant it. Now that would feel super. Iv'e had people say it but in hindsight, they were lying.
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