zanzi Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 or people who just don't want to commit. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "use me"? I meet a guy, I start to like him, and its usually the same story, I'm more keen then he is. I like him more, I put in the most effort. Effectively, I seem to become a doormat. I just ended it with a guy who strung me all the usual lines about "letting us be what we are" and " he doesn't want anything to change." (which in my view means " I want to have sex with you without commitment for as long as I can, until I get bored.") NO. Ive heard this crap before. So I broke it off. Why can't I find a guy who likes me as much as I like him?
IndianGuy87 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Because you're attracted to guys who are already capable of having multiple girls around him? That's the reason why women complain so much about men. They are not into men who are really into them because they aren't up to his standards. Like I've mentioned before on here, 85% of the women are only attracted to 15% of the men who they consider as dating worthy. And when men of that group don't give these women the attention they desire, unfortunately they are all jerks. 2
CC12 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 This thread is going to become a honeypot for people to come in here and be like, "See? Women only like jerks. Therefore, we should treat women like **** because they like it." Hopefully there can be some discussion relevant to you before that happens. OP, when men don't want to commit to you, it does not mean these men are jerks, necessarily. It just means that they're not interested in a committed relationship with you. There's really nothing wrong with that. It only becomes a problem when you put too much effort into something that's not going to happen. So stop putting in so much effort with people who don't want it or deserve it. Also, nobody is attracted to a doormat so stop doing that, too. 5
SJC2008 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 What's you're definition of a jerk for clarity purposes? It's hard to find balance where both parties want to meet eachothers needs. It seems like someone's always invested a lot more than the other while waiting for the BBD. The fact that you ended things with the last guy is good, you want more and aren't going to "hope" things will change.
brandiofstockton Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) One good thing you got going for you is... You broke up with his ass... Thats a good start... Alot of women hang around until the guy gets everything he wants out of her and then he dumps her. learn to spot the bull**** and nip it in the bud from the start... Kinda hard when you first meet someone because they never show you the real side that ends up takeing time to find out.... Basicly I dont put to much energy into any man I meet, it takes a while to impress me.... patience is the key. give them the chance to wow you. Edited February 26, 2013 by brandiofstockton 1
Emilia Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Why can't I find a guy who likes me as much as I like him? I'm guessing you pick them based on how popular they are or what kind of image they present rather than working out their character.
todreaminblue Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 i have turned guys into jerks.......i go for quiet guys who eventually open up to me....i give them confidence and support i make them feel good give them some experience........and they move on....to mulitple women in saying that i had the two major relationships turn out this way.....maybe if they didnt have the drug and alcohol issues to start off with and me trying to change that.......these guys were my friends to begin with and they are friends only now and of course they are my exes.......maybe they had it in them to eb jerks to begin with i dont know......maybe i should stop trying to save guys ........i am a stepping stone girl engaged twice to commitment phobes who knows their heads i dont, they have soem godo qualities.....a bit altruistic like me....they still have that just not the right type of guy for me...i hav ea guy like that in life at the moment, drug and alcohol issues interested in me....because i listen and i am interested in what they have to say, also he is inexperienced with women....think i am too tired and realize now its not my responsibility to be a stepping stone..i have never been attracted to bad boys, my altruistic nature though doesnt help ...i actually hate drugs and alcohol...i want to be with a guy who feels the same way.....and quiet calm and self assured....humble who knows what he wants i want to be supportive to that type of guy and maybe feel supported back that would be cool..............deb
Emilia Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 maybe if they didnt have the drug and alcohol issues to start off with and me trying to change that.......these guys were my friends to begin with and they are friends only now and of course they are my exes.......maybe they had it in them to eb jerks to begin with i dont know......maybe i should stop trying to save guys Yes you definitely need to move away from your codependent tendencies if you feel you keep ending up with the same type
todreaminblue Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Yes you definitely need to move away from your codependent tendencies if you feel you keep ending up with the same type i dont think i am co dependant my last relationship was spent a lot of time by myself......with children....five actually...i am fiercely independant i never expect help from anyone i help others....are you saying i am co dependant in my need to help others? i have beeen single and celibate for several years.....i dotn depend on anyone maybe my family to put up with me......i find co dependency for me an insulting thought...please clarify why youthink i am co dependant..........deb
Emilia Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 i dont think i am co dependant my last relationship was spent a lot of time by myself......with children....five actually...i am fiercely independant i never expect help from anyone i help others....are you saying i am co dependant in my need to help others? i have beeen single and celibate for several years.....i dotn depend on anyone maybe my family to put up with me......i find co dependency for me an insulting thought...please clarify why youthink i am co dependant..........deb Codependent means someone who is in relationship with addicts and other dependent people because they want to feel needed. Codependents put others' needs before their own, almost always excessively so. It does relate to independence in a way but not in the conventional sense. Symptoms of Codependency | Psych Central 2
todreaminblue Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Codependent means someone who is in relationship with addicts and other dependent people because they want to feel needed. Codependents put others' needs before their own, almost always excessively so. It does relate to independence in a way but not in the conventional sense. Symptoms of Codependency | Psych Central yes i seem to fit the profile........some of the traits....i also have more symptoms of ptsd, an over achiever from five years of age, a schizo affective disorder and clinical depression.........all which are compounded and a pretty toxic mix......hard to deal with .....i have had diagnosis.......i am altruistic.....and have had years of therapy......i dont think i fall in the boundaries of co dependant.......or the therapists and shrinks and the acute care team would have picked it up .......i am actually self aware that i can be too giving......and i rebel with conformity i dont try to please people i try and help them yes.......i dotn follow what people tell me to do ...i follow when i wan tto follow...i am extremely head strong actually.......i actually have to follow my heart more.........i have to accept who i am and i do...and yes i do need to find someone who doesnt need me ....but purely wants to be with me for me to be truly happy....i am ready for a relationship flaws and all........i have a different path to take as relationship wise goes....it woudl be easy for me to slip backwards into what i know and have had in the past....and i dont intend to...thank you for the information i appreciate it....deb 1
Mrlonelyone Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Ever since I got closer to A young lady I go to school with. Other guys around school have challenged me in various ways. Basically they think I'm a jerk. I am certainly not a macho acting **ckhead by any means. So I guess the jerk label comes with any level of success with women. :/ (Unless you marry them).
crude Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Maybe you're one of those women who want a boyfriend because all the other women have one, and fall in love with the idea of being in love. When that happens, you never notice the other person isn't looking for a LTR. I see women who want to get married because they don't want to be the old maid of their group of friends, and just marry some guy for the sake of being married and having a meal ticket like other women. I get the feeling if the groom dropped dead before the wedding, the bride would accept a replacement without even knowing his name. If you seem to like men, just go along with them as friends, be more like a man. If you're so desperate to get a man because we're so great, maybe look at how we think, and try to be more like us. Men have SO much to teach women.
phineas Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) or people who just don't want to commit. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "use me"? I meet a guy, I start to like him, and its usually the same story, I'm more keen then he is. I like him more, I put in the most effort. Effectively, I seem to become a doormat. I just ended it with a guy who strung me all the usual lines about "letting us be what we are" and " he doesn't want anything to change." (which in my view means " I want to have sex with you without commitment for as long as I can, until I get bored.") NO. Ive heard this crap before. So I broke it off. Why can't I find a guy who likes me as much as I like him? That isn't "meeting" a jerk. That is "dating" a jerk. Big difference. If you "meet" a jerk you say "see ya!" and that is on him for being a jerk. But if you actually keep a jerk around without figuring out what he is looking for before hand then that is on you. Also, it could just be something about your personality, attitude, ect. that makes a man not want to commit to you. I know lot's of women who say the same thing about "jerks" but the reality is no man wants to commit to them because they are: Selfish conceited disrespectful dishonest attention whores Bat-chit crazy. The only thing they got going for them is their hot but that only goes so far for a guy with options. Edited February 26, 2013 by phineas 1
Revolver Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Lets be real, you like jerks lol. Stop trying to put the blame on someone else.
HKcolon Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Same boat, except abusers. I got a counselor, and she said the reason has to do with the vibe I give off. I have low self-confidence (maybe from the first abusive relationship...) and as she said, am too submissive. My inner critical voice is too harsh, so since I am always putting myself down inside, I attract the same thing on the outside. Maybe you should see a counselor too. I'm learning to make my inner voice less critical and mean as well as other things that she says will hopefully help.
kimberlydoll Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 One good thing you got going for you is... You broke up with his ass... Thats a good start... Alot of women hang around until the guy gets everything he wants out of her and then he dumps her. learn to spot the bull**** and nip it in the bud from the start... Kinda hard when you first meet someone because they never show you the real side that ends up takeing time to find out.... Basicly I dont put to much energy into any man I meet, it takes a while to impress me.... patience is the key. give them the chance to wow you. I wish I could like this post a million times! How someone TRULY is takes time to come out. Rarely, how someone acts during the first month of dating is what they are really like but there are a small % of honest people out there. After a few bad experiences, I have learned to spot jerks pretty accurately and no, not all of them are obvious players or womanizers either. It is a huge stereotype on this forum only "bad boys" or "alpha boys" use women and string them along. I have saved myself alot more headache in the past two years with learning this skill of dropping jerks like a hot potato. My friends have actually started calling me ruthless (a bit extreme, I just dont tolerate that stuff at all anymore)
Soxfaninfl Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 What's you're definition of a jerk for clarity purposes? It's hard to find balance where both parties want to meet eachothers needs. It seems like someone's always invested a lot more than the other while waiting for the BBD. The fact that you ended things with the last guy is good, you want more and aren't going to "hope" things will change. Men who use women for sex when they full know well that the women wants a relationship.
Revolver Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Men who use women for sex when they full know well that the women wants a relationship. Uh I don't know how someone "uses" another for sex, but I disagree. Alot of the time the woman KNOWS the guy only wants sex and is ok with it. But what generally happens is she either gets tired of just being the FWB or feels bad and says she was "used".
ltjg45 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 OP, when men don't want to commit to you, it does not mean these men are jerks, necessarily. It just means that they're not interested in a committed relationship with you. There's really nothing wrong with that. It only becomes a problem when you put too much effort into something that's not going to happen. So stop putting in so much effort with people who don't want it or deserve it. Also, nobody is attracted to a doormat so stop doing that, too. I can't agree with that. OP has a point. These men that she is attracting never has any other purpose besides having sex with her. It shows in their actions and it certainly shows in their attitude when she is trying to settle with them. We don't know if these males is giving off the vibe that they want commitment and then changing their tune afterwards or if these males act like players right off the bat. If it's the former, it's not really her fault. If it's the latter, she needs to be more strict. 1
kimberlydoll Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I can't agree with that. OP has a point. These men that she is attracting never has any other purpose besides having sex with her. It shows in their actions and it certainly shows in their attitude when she is trying to settle with them. We don't know if these males is giving off the vibe that they want commitment and then changing their tune afterwards or if these males act like players right off the bat. If it's the former, it's not really her fault. If it's the latter, she needs to be more strict. Most of the jerks I dated did that since I avoid obvious players. Its actually the biggest reason why I take my sweet ol time getting to know someone and sleeping with them. I find most people change their tune after some time and alot have agendas. I hate to be so untrusting but it is what it is 1
Imported Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Uh I don't know how someone "uses" another for sex, but I disagree. Alot of the time the woman KNOWS the guy only wants sex and is ok with it. But what generally happens is she either gets tired of just being the FWB or feels bad and says she was "used". She's OK with it because she thinks she can change him. If he doesn't change, than he is a jerk. The "jerk" is probably wondering how come he keeps attracting these dumb bitches. I mean, it's pretty damn clear and yet they go along with everything knowing full well and then cry about it after when their expectations that they were never promised are not met.
ltjg45 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Most of the jerks I dated did that since I avoid obvious players. Its actually the biggest reason why I take my sweet ol time getting to know someone and sleeping with them. I find most people change their tune after some time and alot have agendas. I hate to be so untrusting but it is what it is And I don't fault you for that. In fact, that is actually the wise thing to do. And this is coming from a male. I'm like you in a way. I rather take my time before I start having sex but for different reasons (as a 26-year old virgin). I want to make sure the woman I sleep with is not just some standard female I can find on the streets therefore it will take time before I give it up. Yeah, unlike 99% of the males out there, I do value my virginity. Call me old-school at this point because I'm sure I am.
Imported Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Yeah, unlike 99% of the males out there, I do value my virginity. Call me old-school at this point because I'm sure I am. Valuing your virginity as a male is not old-school. Even before your grandfather of your grandfather of your grandfather was born, old male virgins were ...not held in high esteem either. 1
Sanitarium Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Valuing your virginity as a male is not old-school. Even before your grandfather of your grandfather of your grandfather was born, old male virgins were ...not held in high esteem either. ^^^^^ this Guys have been taught to get laid as soon as possible throughout the history of our civilization really
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