Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

Good Morning Everyone.

 

Still getting broken sleep, but at least it is some sleep. Am becoming more and more comfortable with the idea that she is out of my life (probably for good). I simply feel that I cannot forgive her for cheating on me, let alone getting pregnant in her drunken one night stand. I don't trust her, I don't believe her and I have no respect for her any more. When I think of her, all of the good things we did and enjoyed seem sour and bitter. It's like looking at a chocolate sundae and tasting sea water. Everything that was good has been spoiled by the betrayal.

 

That's as good a point as any to move on from.

 

The additional weight of her being unwilling/unable to take responsibility for her actions simply compounds that feeling of desecration and ruin. I can imagine that she sees herself as a "victim of circumstances" as opposed to the architect of her own decisions and choices.

 

Meanwhile, spent a few hours yesterday hunting through dating sites. Probably not ready to make a move onto a site yet. However, simply looking on such a site feels like a victory at this point in time. The mobile phone is still switched off and downstairs, although, yesterday I did find myself looking at the handset as it lay on the TV table, in the expectation that it would alert me to a message. I'll just have to keep the discipline, and, hopefully, I won't look at it so often. A little bit less every day will do fine.

 

Still slightly weepy at the thought of never seeing her three dogs again. I've always had dogs somewhere in my life, and five years is a long time to get to know these animals. It's funny, I'm more upset at losing contact with the dogs than I am with losing contact with her. The dogs did nothing wrong and were accustomed to me. But, they will have forgotten me within half an hour of me last leaving them.

 

Onwards and upwards!

Edited by Thunderchild
Posted

Hey thunderchild. Glad you got some sleep and seem to be coming quickly to terms with the loss of you RS and the dogs. Maybe you can buy one. My Golden retreiver has been a life saver for me during this rough time.

 

I love how you express yourself. Seems like your thread and posts could be an inspiration to a lot of people here. I'd suggest you make one "NC Journal thread" so people can easily follow your progress and comment. Ill read eitherway! :) Live long and prosper! (ha I love that one..star trek right?) Cav

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Good Morning Cav

 

Many thanks. I am actually a published author/novelist. I write sci-fi for teens and young adults (hence, the star trek reference), so I'm pretty handy around the old keyboard these days.

 

I must admit, I love dogs, and would also love to own one, but I'm in a rented apartment and no dogs allowed. My uncle used to have a big, soppy Golden Retriever called Sam. He was about 20 when he eventually passed on. My ex has 2 Tibetan Terriers (and an elderly shih-tzu) who are half-trained at best. She can't let them off their leads when outside - she just has no control of them. And, with the Tibetans coming 4 this year, they're not fully house trained. The house did smell of dog p*ss the last time I was there!!

 

And, she wants to be a single-mother?? I would laugh if it weren't so tragic!!

 

In a way, I'm pretty lucky that she did such a sh*tty thing in that I can plainly see that I can never trust her again. Her inablity to accept responsibilty just makes it easier to dismiss her.

 

How are you holding up, Cav?

Edited by Thunderchild
Posted (edited)

That's awesome! I love science fiction and fantasy. Tolkien is my favorite also love Orson Scott Card..was it enders game. Also Dune. Ive read so many but its been a long time since I was really into them in my younger years. My writing and typing (on phone) is not nearly as refined so bear with me. Lol

 

Anyway I've been really good the last couple of days. It been 5 months NC for me so the trauma isn't so fresh. There are definitly ups and downs but not nearly as intense as early on. Thanks for asking.

 

I guess the question is how are you? It is still really early on for you. Are you truly holding up as well as you sound in your posts? Not to second guess how your feeling but that was quite a betrayal. Rock on! Cav

Edited by cavalier99
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Hi Cav. Many thanks. Glad to see you're making progress - just take it one day at a time.

 

I just realised, late last nght, that it will be the first anniversary of the release of my first novel tomorrow - the 27th. One year, and 3,000+ copies sold later, it really is amazing how quickly the time has flown. If you're on FB have a look at William Benning - the avatar is a Yorkshire Terrier.

 

I suspect it's because it was such a savage betrayal that my mind knows I can't trust her or respect her any more. Knowing that tells me that there would be no future, and, therefore, I have to move on. There's no point moping about it or wasting valuable energy worrying about her. At the end of the day I did nothing wrong - I did not cheat on her. She broke faith with me - she loses my trust and respect - she loses me forever.

 

Even if she did "unconditionally surrender" and plead for me to take her back - which, I very much doubt she would do - I would never be able to forget just how sh*tty/selfish her actions had been. I suspect that I could go No Contact for a million years and she would never miss me. She will have the baby to hide her emotions behind.

 

It took her two months to tell me, and she only confessed because her pregnancy was confirmed. I have a very strong suspicion that she met him at the one night stand and held off telling me until she was more certain he was going to be the next man in her life.

 

The making of excuses in the break up and not taking responsibility just makes it easier to dismiss her as an immature selfish little girl.

 

Plus, where am I likely to be in 3 - 5 years time. If the rest of my books sell as well as the first two, I could be making quite a comfortable living for myself. I will have moved on, maybe met someone new and started a new family of my own. Where is she likely to be in 3 - 5? A single mum with half trained dogs, a half-socialised brat (if the dogs are anything to go by) squawling at the hem of her skirt in a house that stinks of dog p*ss??

 

I might be hurting insde now, but in 3 - 5, I suspect that it won't be me with the bad case of heartache.

 

PS - if you are on Facebook, do not go on The Ralph Site - it breaks my heart every time.

Edited by Thunderchild
  • Like 1
×
×
  • Create New...