my situation...is there hope?

[peace frog]

Hey everyone, long-time lurker first-time poster, and could use some guidance on my situation.

 

After finally moving on for good from a toxic, on-and-off again 3-year "relationship", i was ready to hit up OLD again after taking 6 months off to heal and get my head straight. A couple months ago I meet this great woman who is exactly my type, we hit it off from the first date and begin dating. (For reference, I'm also a woman). We have a lot of fun going on dates, great sex, conversations, mutual interests and life goals, and we even happen to work in the same field so the first time ever I could even relate to someone about work. We are similar yet different in a way I felt was very compatible. She was basically everything I had been looking for in a potential long-term partner and I thought we were right on track for an LTR.

 

Unfortunately, my experience with my aforementioned ex messed me up for a while, and has caused me to be uncharacteristically guarded--which I unfortunately didn't realize until very recently. I've definitely moved on, but as my feelings began to geow for this new girl, I kind of began to inwardly panic. While my inclination would have been to shower her with affection, vocalize my feelings, call her a lot etc. I always felt she'd reject me or say I was smothering her (which is what my ex used to do). I knew deep down I was being irrational and that this girl really liked me and I should just go for it...I tended just to hold back A LOT. Whereas before I wouldn't have balked at having "the talk", I couldn't seem to make myself be able to do it. There wasn't really an indication of her seeing anyone else, but her dating profile was still up. Mine was too, but I really only did because we HADN'T had the talk yet...anyone who messaged me I was turning away, and I stopped browsing others' profiles about a month ago. I knew we should just talk about it.

 

Without going into detail on our last 2 dates I think the fact that I wasn't really opening up and had made no move towards discussing exclusivity was making her feel I wasn't really serious about her so she began to pull back significantly ...which I stupidly responded to by pulling back more myself. Also there was an incident where there was a misunderstanding that could have been easily resolved had I just opened up. I was scared to, and left it unresolved, until I realized later that night at home why this had been a mistake and that it was something she might think was about her and become very, very hurt. And truth be told I was very bothered by it too, and began to seriously examine why I was acting this way. It was actually really ****ing eye-opening as I had given in to all this anxiety as I had in my old relationship (because truth was, my ex usually would do the things I was scared of her doing, and played a lot of really nasty mind games). I feel really stupid that it took me that long to figure things out actually, since it seems quite obvious. And it was something I was going to have to nip in the bud ASAP, and TALK ABOUT IT, this lack of communication was probably the worst thing imaginable for this situation.

 

We didn't talk for a few days while I took some time to think, and when I called to clear things up, before I could she broke up with me. She said we didn't have long-term potetnial, didn't click, that I didn't "get" her. She sounded very cold and angry and no matter how much I pleaded for her to reconsider, and poured out all the feelings I had for her, she wouldn't. She just wanted to cut me out of her life completely. Finally even though I was in a panic and knew all hope was lost, I couldn't help myself and was babbling and the floodgates opened and I spoke about what I had been going through. She wasnt saying anything at this point (literally sitting in silence) as my spiel must have kicked up her anxiety. I asked if I was annoying her and she said no, and that she was listening, and wasn't being a jerk or not hearing because she wasn't responding, she just...couldn't right now. I have a friend who struggles with a similar thing, and I had figured as much, so I told her I understood and wasn't expecting a response right now, and kept talking. During that I touched on what had happened last time we'd seen each other. I found out she had been really hurt by it, and I made a very sincere apology and explained that it had been my own anxiety, not that I was rejecting her. I told her I wasn't telling her all this to change her mind, I just wanted her to know. And that I had planned on telling her all this anyway, especially the last part because I had figured out she had probably been very hurt by it and I didn't want her to feel that way. Soon after she had to go and I was heartbroken. I said to her that if she thought on the things I said and wanted to talk, she could contact me. She then said "let's talk in a week". I was completely shocked at the change, but told her I'd call in a week.

 

For a couple days I was a complete wreck, because despite the positive end to our conversation, I thought it was over and didn't want to get my hopes up for this "talk". I still am, but I'm feeling a little more hopeful. She also took down her dating profile sometime after our conversation. I stupidly sent her a text yesterday, but just that I was thinking of her and missed her, and that I didn't expect her to respond. And she hasn't. It's still a few days before we can officially "talk".

 

Am I looking too much into things or is there hope here? Thanks!

Edited February 26, 2013 by peace frog

[AlexB]

Unfortunately, my experience with my aforementioned ex messed me up for a while, and has caused me to be uncharacteristically guarded--which I unfortunately didn't realize until very recently. I've definitely moved on, but as my feelings began to geow for this new girl, I kind of began to inwardly panic. While my inclination would have been to shower her with affection, vocalize my feelings, call her a lot etc. I always felt she'd reject me or say I was smothering her (which is what my ex used to do). I knew deep down I was being irrational and that this girl really liked me and I should just go for it...I tended just to hold back A LOT.

 

This is exactly me! Unfortunately it caused my ex to dump me 5 days ago

[peace frog]

yeah it sucks. I really wish I'd talked to her about it sooner. It was a really short relationship but I feel we had so much potential. I guess all I can do is hope she reconsiders.

[peace frog]

Feeling pretty down this morning, and a little angry. This has all been really painful, and I feel like after all I went through with my ex I don't have it in me anymore. I really really like this woman but breaking up and NC for a week whenever shes mad or something is just not something ill be able to do. I just can't. I need a relationship where we talk before this point. I don't know. I feel like she's not being sensitive at all to how I'm feeling and I was to her, even if a little late. And after 5 days of NC I am just feeling sad and angry and hopeless.

[peace frog]

What an emotional rollercoaster. I hate dreams, I had vivid dreams about her all last night. I've been feeling hopeful, though. This seems more like a break than a breakup, and since she took her profile down AFTER the big fight I think that tells me everything I need to know. I just keep doubting because of the uncertainty, which sucks. I just got to get through 2 more days, and then the week will be up and I can call her to talk. This has felt like the longest week of my life.

 

What do you all think? I could use some perspective here...I don't want to keep getting my hopes up if I shouldn't be.

[Lillygoose]

Not got anything great to say

 

but hugs

[peace frog]

thanks, I appreciate it.

 

Been thinking all day and I'm really tired of the waiting and uncertainty. I'm thinking of just calling her tonight. Big deal to call when it's been 6 days instead of a week? I mean at this point she should have had enough time to think it over. On the other hand I'm thinking what's one more day...I do really want to respect her space.

[peace frog]

Well, she made it clear she was cutting contact at first. She's brutally honest and would have no reason to coddle me. But when I opened up to her, and most of all sincerely apologized for the thing that had really hurt her, her tone changed significantly and she had said for us to talk in a week. I would not have harbored any hopes otherwise.

 

As for being ready to be in a relationship, I feel I am now. I made the mistake of being too guarded, but I don't think I will again. I know I can trust her; even more so after our conversation, whatever happens.

 

Also I'm a chick, but thanks.