Ellin Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 And the part that is bizarre is he was encouraging me to leave my husband. Wanted me to get out. He might have been genuinely concerned about your well-being when he was encouraging you to leave your H. What you told him about your H being abusive must have worried him a lot, since he cares about you. He probably did not envision the way your R with him would be affected by you leaving your H. At the time he didn't think that he would have to re-evaluate your R once you're single and available.
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 He might have been genuinely concerned about your well-being when he was encouraging you to leave your H. What you told him about your H being abusive must have worried him a lot, since he cares about you. He probably did not envision the way your R with him would be affected by you leaving your H. At the time he didn't think that he would have to re-evaluate your R once you're single and available. But that's the thing. I never expected that of him and have always made that clear. I would never ask him to chose me over his wife.
OpenBook Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I have to remind myself I didn't end my marriage for my AP, but for my own sake. That is correct, in fact the inverse is even more true - you bonded with the AP BECAUSE your M was so lousy. If you were in love with your H - and he loved you well, right back - you would've passed off the AP as just another fruitcake on the street. No, the issues you're grappling with right now go way beyond your AP. He is not your concern. And what's really aggravating is, you don't have time to nurse your wounds right now. It's imperative that you think with a clear head as you navigate your divorce. I heartily agree with the poster above me who said neither one of these men is good for you - you need to get away from both of them - like, YESTERDAY. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other - in the opposite direction from both of these yo-yo's. Who needs it??!? And it's going to get better. You KNOW it will. You just have to get through the night. And learn to light your own lamp. Trillions of women before you have done it, and you can too. 2
Ellin Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I'm only guessing, but it seems most likely that MM is either making sure that you won't ask anything of him when you're single or is just panicking slightly as he is not ready to leave his M. He's still in contact with you, which could be for two reasons. The first one is that he wants to make sure that you won't cause him any problems if he stops contact. The second one is that he has feelings for you and doesn't really want to stay away. I think if you backed off and gave him space you would know if he comes after you or not. I know it's easy to say, not easy to do. You might benefit too if you could remove and distance yourself from this whole mess for some time. Can you take a break and go away somewhere to clear your mind and balance your emotions a bit? Just to not think about all this for a while. Or do something good for yourself. Treat yourself, do what you really enjoy and make yourself feel better and calmer. It must have really thrown you off balance to hear him change his tune so much within 24 hours. The ground has been ripped from under your feet. You can get through all this, just put yourself first. 2
stevie_23 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 And the part that is bizarre is he was encouraging me to leave my husband. Wanted me to get out. He encouraged you to leave your husband because (a) he really does care for you and wanted the best for you obviously, and/or (b) he wanted you all to himself, even though he was still married. It's one thing to want the best for someone you care about, but it's another thing to want what's best when it impacts YOUR life's stability. He doesn't want any impact or effects on his own life. You are more of a threat now and he's nervous. I think the BEST for you is to not be with him. Even if he's helped you through the last 8 months and even if his actions aren't done out of malice or callousness, it still doesn't sound as if he's what you really need right now. 1
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I guarantee you he will message me tonight. And in the morning. Even if I was not going to initiate it I am sure he would. He wants to have a "proper goodbye". I don't know what that means.
stevie_23 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 He's the opposite of my ex-MM if he wants a "proper goodbye". My ex just stopped talking to me and didn't even told me he'd left and was trying to move on.
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 He's the opposite of my ex-MM if he wants a "proper goodbye". My ex just stopped talking to me and didn't even told me he'd left and was trying to move on. That's ****ty. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
spice4life Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) It just took so much for me to let him in. I didn't want to get emotionally involved with anyone. And now I am sitting here sobbing. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time right now. It's never easy ending a marriage no matter how bad it was. It's scary because you're starting a whole new chapter in life and you're not quite sure what to expect. But let me tell you this; it is not as hard as you think it is even though it feels frightening right now. Think of it this way, you will now be able to start living your life according to what makes YOU happy. You will have choices now! That is not something you have when you're living in abusive marriage, so there is a huge light waiting for you at the end of the tunnel. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and once I finally found the courage to divorce it didn't matter how hard things were at times because I had the freedom to choose where I wanted to take my life. That alone was worth any hardships I had to face getting through the divorce. I'm also sorry to hear your friend abandoned you like that when you needed his friendship te most. That's awful and it must hurt like h*ll. But you know what? You can do this whether he's there or not. True friends do not abandon people they care about when they are needed the most. I know that some in this forum will disagree with me right now, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts. But as hard as it seems, you have to put that aside and focus on what's in front of you. Take it one step at a time and start to plan what you need to do to get through the divorce. Make it a mission to prove to him that you don't need him to get through it and in the end you will have a whole new life ahead of you. Do you have kids? If you do you need to take care of them and help guide them through. That is THE most important thing right now. You have to show them that people can go through tough things in life and come out of it happy. I'm not sure if you do have kids, but since divorce is inevitable it is sooo important that they see it will all be okay. I hope this helps. Don't beat yourself up over the affair. It happened and now you need to focus on what needs to happen next. Keep posting to vent! It helps! And there are a lot of very supportive people here that are more than willing to help. I won't lie, there are some tough ones too, but take the good and ignore what you think doesn't help. Welcome to the forum! Edited February 26, 2013 by spice4life 1
spice4life Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) I guarantee you he will message me tonight. And in the morning. Even if I was not going to initiate it I am sure he would. He wants to have a "proper goodbye". I don't know what that means. Your life is tore apart right now so why in the heck would he want a proper goodbye? Is that something you can handle or will it make you hurt even more than you are right now? I wouldn't worry about what he wants and try to focus on taking care of you. He has already said that he was leaving so what else is there to say. He abandoned you and now he wants to hang around while you're in pain? That doesn't make sense. I know that's hard, but take some time to think about what you need even though it's confusing. Give yourself some space if you can. Edited February 26, 2013 by spice4life
LadyGrey Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Wrong stevie.......well a lot of it is, she has to accept that she did wrong by having an affair in the first place, (assuming she has a conscious and thinks affairs are wrong.) If she doesn't.........then ok. Point being..... If a person doesn't own their own crap and they blame everyone else and never look in the mirror, they will never grow from it, and they will repeat the same trainwreck. Now the abuse........of course that isn't her fault. And to assume that the problem with the mm is his marriage/wife.......there is just no way to know. For all you or I or anyone knows, he is a serial cheating sociopath. The point..........don't be so quick to blame it on his marriage/wife. No one knows. YOU did nothing wrong. The fact your husband has abusive tendencies is nothing to do with you. Your only fault is you let him treat you in that unacceptable way for however long, but this is understandable. There are a billion reasons why people who love an abusive person stay for too long. The fact your ex-MM has chosen to leave the affair is also nothing to do with you. It is everything to do with his own life and situation and his choices within that. And I agree with Lillyfree, that he was happy enough (but obviously not really happy or he wouldn’t have been in an affair in the first place) in his comfort zone marriage, and never wanted to disrupt that. When you became more available, he ran away because now you’re not on the same equal footing, both not available, etc. Too scary. Too confronting. Too risky. Too complicated. The situation and how it relates to his own life and the impact it'd have on it. Not YOU personally. 2
stevie_23 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Ahhhh. When I said she did nothing wrong I meant in terms of losing these two men. In terms of being in abusive marriage. In terms of the affair guy leaving her. I didn't mean in terms of getting INTO an affair in the first place. Though, in her situation I can imagine how easy it would be to do that. Your husband's abusive, you're definitely not in love with him anymore, he doesn't seem to love and respect you, you may feel you can't leave for whatever reason just yet, you meet someone, it seems harmless, you're vulnerable to developing feelings, then you end up moving forward towards those feelings because hey, why not? What else do I have otherwise? A husband who hurts me. Why should I NOT do this? Oh! And when I said it's the married man's choice and his situation which have caused him to back off, I in NO WAY meant to imply his marriage or wife are at any sort of fault or blame for his actions. I was just saying that he IS married and he DOES have a wife, and so everything he does is HIS choice for HIS actions within HIS situation, whatever that may be (and that includes the possibility that he's a sociopath as well)
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 He never indicated to me that he would leave his wife. I never asked him to and never expected it. He just wants to cut off all contact. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong here in both situations.. No but by having an A with a married person, even if you're married yourself, it's automatic, you're setting yourself up for a fall and competition. As time goes on that just happens, emotions take over. This is why FWB between single folks rarely works out long term - either one or both become too attached and the rules just change because of expectations, hopes etc.. You married someone you loved. Maybe you didn't see him for who he was before, that isn't your fault. The thing is, NOW you know he is an abuser and in the wrong, you're doing something about it now! That's great!! Be proud of yourself. Picking a MM, online or in person, is a patch, a quick fix to make you feel better. Your MM is far from perfect. He may have seen you as a victim of abuse and tried to be the one to save/rescue you. Some counseling has to happen so you can work through all this and come out a happier and healthier person. 2
MissBee Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) And the part that is bizarre is he was encouraging me to leave my husband. Wanted me to get out. He's still telling me he loves me. then in the next sentence he says he has to leave. One minute because he is happily married, the next to "save his marriage". I can't keep up. I genuinely think he wants to leave but he isn't doing it, so I don't know... Of course he wanted you to leave your husband. Your husband is abusive! Anyone who even slightly cares for you would encourage that. But that doesn't mean he meant you should leave so that he can be with you. He probably just meant leave because it is not good for you - period- and he would be right about that. Anyway, while he is conflicted, at some point either a dday will occur or he will finally end the A for good. He doesn't seem like a man done with his marriage. He may care for you, but he isn't leaving to be with you. You shouldn't give him your power and "wait" for him to finally slam the door in your face. Take some initiative too and say you agree and then end things. I know it is hard and you perhaps are hoping he changes his mind but he most likely won't. You too can choose to accept what he says and walk away. He knows where you are and if he somehow has an epiphany that your R is worth more than his M, he will make a way. But for now...you don't need to wait to see him actually leave. You can use your own power to say "I agree. We should end this."....or you can also wait for him to finally end it and then pick up the pieces from there. The latter is more passive and less powerful... but I suppose it works too. Edited February 26, 2013 by MissBee
stevie_23 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Also, maybe ask yourself if he DID suddenly end his marriage next week, and did it to be with you, would you WANT him 100% with you? Or is he sort of a comfort? Was he a comfort during your abusive marriage and now it’s over and you’re trying to work through the aftermath, would he still be a comfort and this is why you want him to be still with you?
Catplates Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Also, maybe ask yourself if he DID suddenly end his marriage next week, and did it to be with you, would you WANT him 100% with you? Or is he sort of a comfort? Was he a comfort during your abusive marriage and now it’s over and you’re trying to work through the aftermath, would he still be a comfort and this is why you want him to be still with you? Looking back on xMM I think I would have been bored rigid with him in a full time relationship. He was a comfort to me at times but really, he didn't share my interests. He was from a completely different background, which is no reflection on either on of us, but he would not have fitted into my world at all. This is hindsight with much water under the bridge. Cat 1
TheOW Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 You have 2 options the first one being the best and the hardest and the one i "sometimes" wished i had taken ..... walk away, cut all contact and never look back, move on with your life be happy and start over. Option 2. Fight for him and i can almost guarantee you that he will stay with you, but you will be used for sex, you will always be second option and you will not move forward in your life. Taking this route will change you for the worse, everything will revolve around him and his needs, he will not ask you to do this but you will on your accord because you think you are "pleasing" him. Be prepared for the emotional turrmoil you have ever experienced the lows are far more than the highs. You will make youself ill when him and his wife go away for wknds or nights out constantly wondering what they are doing and when he will get in touch again. I know what option I should have taken .....
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 But that's the thing. I never expected that of him and have always made that clear. I would never ask him to chose me over his wife. Why you think so little of yourself?
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I guarantee you he will message me tonight. And in the morning. Even if I was not going to initiate it I am sure he would. He wants to have a "proper goodbye". I don't know what that means. He is in love with you. But, the love is only valid in the affair bubble. That is his dilemma.
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 As suspected. Contact last night, contact this morning. Being ours is a mostly long-distance / online affair he instututed a no-nudity policy this morning. There's so much I want to say to him. But it all feels wildly inappropriate. I feel like my feelings are irrelevant at this point. He is doing what his best for him and his family. I have served my purpose and he is done with me. Anytime I mention how much he is breaking my heart, he just tells me I don't understand. I wish I was strong enough to say FU but I don't want to lose him. I want him to come back. Gosh, I am pathetic.
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time right now. It's never easy ending a marriage no matter how bad it was. It's scary because you're starting a whole new chapter in life and you're not quite sure what to expect. But let me tell you this; it is not as hard as you think it is even though it feels frightening right now. Think of it this way, you will now be able to start living your life according to what makes YOU happy. You will have choices now! That is not something you have when you're living in abusive marriage, so there is a huge light waiting for you at the end of the tunnel. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and once I finally found the courage to divorce it didn't matter how hard things were at times because I had the freedom to choose where I wanted to take my life. That alone was worth any hardships I had to face getting through the divorce. I'm also sorry to hear your friend abandoned you like that when you needed his friendship te most. That's awful and it must hurt like h*ll. But you know what? You can do this whether he's there or not. True friends do not abandon people they care about when they are needed the most. I know that some in this forum will disagree with me right now, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts. But as hard as it seems, you have to put that aside and focus on what's in front of you. Take it one step at a time and start to plan what you need to do to get through the divorce. Make it a mission to prove to him that you don't need him to get through it and in the end you will have a whole new life ahead of you. Do you have kids? If you do you need to take care of them and help guide them through. That is THE most important thing right now. You have to show them that people can go through tough things in life and come out of it happy. I'm not sure if you do have kids, but since divorce is inevitable it is sooo important that they see it will all be okay. I hope this helps. Don't beat yourself up over the affair. It happened and now you need to focus on what needs to happen next. Keep posting to vent! It helps! And there are a lot of very supportive people here that are more than willing to help. I won't lie, there are some tough ones too, but take the good and ignore what you think doesn't help. Welcome to the forum! No kids. My H and I had two miscarriages. he did not feel the need to go to the doctor with me when it happened. three weeks after my last m/c my dad died. Again, my h was too busy to take me to the airport. He does not understand why I could possibly be upset about this. This was Dec 2011. I "met" AP in July 2012.
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 As suspected. Contact last night, contact this morning. Being ours is a mostly long-distance / online affair he instututed a no-nudity policy this morning. There's so much I want to say to him. But it all feels wildly inappropriate. I feel like my feelings are irrelevant at this point. He is doing what his best for him and his family. I have served my purpose and he is done with me. Anytime I mention how much he is breaking my heart, he just tells me I don't understand. I wish I was strong enough to say FU but I don't want to lose him. I want him to come back. Gosh, I am pathetic. Your impending divorce has really scared him. He was a cake eater and his marriage is just a bit boring (like most marriages are). So he was supplementing his marriage with cake. It seems he never intended to go any deeper than that. It is possible he has a mini d-day or that he is worried you could tell his wife. There is only one solution to your ordeal.
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Your impending divorce has really scared him. He was a cake eater and his marriage is just a bit boring (like most marriages are). So he was supplementing his marriage with cake. It seems he never intended to go any deeper than that. It is possible he has a mini d-day or that he is worried you could tell his wife. There is only one solution to your ordeal. Pierre, what solution do you endorse?
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Pierre, what solution do you endorse? Absolute no contact. No phone, email, no reading old messages, no photos, NOTHING! Cold turkey!!
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Absolute no contact. No phone, email, no reading old messages, no photos, NOTHING! Cold turkey!! Then there's songs, places, things. They are all triggers. This hurts so badly.
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