Recently Dumped

[AlexB]

Ok so i joined up after reading some of the threads here and some of the users offer great advice. I really am a complete mess and i hope what i write makes sense. Also apologies on the length of this..

 

My ex and i (both female), met in January of last year at a club through a mutual friend. She added me on facebook not long after and we would occasionally chat. Nothing really happened until about April, where we would meet at clubs and hook up. Then she started inviting me over to watch movies and stuff and i thought why not. She was really interested in me from day 1.

 

So we'd hang out more and more, until mid August, she said she wanted to be in a relationship. I usually do a pros and cons thing in my head and overthink these things, but this time decided not to, and said yes. I explained to her that my previous relationship had ended badly and i was very cautious about getting hurt again. Hence i had a hard time being very affectionate and open.

(previous relationship was first love, first everything and i was devastated when she left me for someone else)

 

So things were going well, but we were running into road blocks. She was getting hurt and upset by the fact that i wasn't showing her enough attention.

(something she desperately wanted as growing up she never felt "loved" by anyone, not her parents etc.)

She started becoming very insecure, as was i, as i am 7 years older than her and i felt like i was being a creep by being in a relationship with her. (she is very good looking and i felt a bit inadequate and not happy with my body - she has a great body :c )

Still, we would talk about things and tried working on them. I showed her more affection. All the while subconsciously, telling myself not to get too close. Something i couldn't help, as my previous relationship screwed me up big time, coupled with the fact that i have been going through depression on and off for the last 7 years. Sometimes i can be in my own world. I tend to live in my head a lot (something my ex was bothered by) but i told her i would try for her.

 

Our sex life wasn't the best, we weren't seeing each other that often (another thing she complained about) and even when we did, we wouldn't sleep together that much. Even though apparently we both wanted to. I became more and more frustrated by the lack of sex and expressed this to her, and yet even when we tried, we got nowhere. I wasn't being satisfied even though i was satisfying her each time.

 

I was still willing to settle even if the sex wasn't good. I figured it's something we can work on, since we got along pretty good for the most part. However, i have a very short temper and would get annoyed by guys and girls trying to flirt with her, try to pick her up etc (it would happen at clubs and on facebook), she liked dressing "openly" lets just say. Mini shorts, midriff singlets etc. One night it was really bad, i basically ignored her on the way home and she cried. I felt bad but at the same time my stupid stubbornness wouldn't let me budge.

We eventually spoke when we got back to her place (she was really big into communicating our feelings etc. something i was never good at, but it worked out better) I told her i didn't like those shorts as a bit of her butt cheeks would show. She agreed not to wear them again.

 

She started getting upset by the fact that i never invited her over to my place, (my mother has a mental illness and i don't bring ANYONE around) but i decided that i should let them meet as i wanted to make my ex happy. I had already met her mother ages ago but she was never keen on her daughter being with another girl.

(something she slowly started accepting the longer we were together)

 

I'm sorry this is so long i'm skipping out on parts.

 

Towards the end of our relationship (the past month) she started going out more with her friends and was meeting new people at a new club she was going to. She would tell me how great it was and how fun the new people were, but never said we'd go there together or that she'd introduce me to them. I didn't think too much about it.

 

Valentines Day we went out to dinner and had a great time. A week later (the day she dumped me) we had gone to the markets in the city to look for stuff for Sydney Mardi Gras (which is this coming Saturday). We didn't have a good day, and that afternoon when i got home, she texted me telling me it's over.

 

I couldn't believe it. I tried to reason with her but she wouldn't budge. I feel like she had decided this a while ago and was just waiting to do it. She said we weren't right for each other. She truly believed that her and i were not meant to be lovers. (she said a lot more but i can't remember as i deleted everything). I told her i loved her but she said it was too late. She said the fact that i had been so open now only proves that we shouldn't be together. She didn't see the point in trying to work things out as she would only get hurt again. And for the icing on the cake, she said she had grown really close to me and considers me one of her best friends. She still wants me in her life but there is no chance that we'll ever be more than that.

I don't even know if she said that to soften the blow or if she really wants to be friends.

 

I took out everything from my room that she had given me/bought for me etc. I deleted all her photos from my phone, i untagged myself from photos on facebook, i deleted her number (even though i know it from memory).

The day after, i saw on facebook that she had uploaded a new photo and it's of her smiling and her "interested in" went from "women" to "men and women". This made me think that maybe she had met someone else. Although she assured me she hadn't. (idk if i even believe her).

I couldn't take it and deactivated my facebook. That was 4 days ago.

 

On Sunday (3 days after being dumped) i caved and texted her. I was at a music festival she and i were supposed to go to together and her not being there made me feel like crap all day. She replied to the first message but not the second. Several hours later i messaged her again (so dumb, i know) she replied again, but again confirming that we would not be getting back together and it was hard for her to hurt someone she "cared about".

 

I feel so dumb for breaking NC. She hasn't tried to contact me at all. She seems completely fine, from what i saw on facebook the day after she dumped me and on tumblr. (i have since unfollowed and "ignored" her on tumblr).

 

What the hell do i do? I feel so crap! Do i just think i love her because she dumped me? I didn't feel any passion like my first relationship (even though that was a first love), but the thought of her being with anyone else makes my chest feel like it's on fire.

I can't eat or sleep. The moment i fall asleep i dream of her. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

 

I don't really have friends to talk to, i feel completely alone. I just sit around home all day feeling like crap and wanting to cry. I cry hysterically every time i'm in the shower and everything around me reminds me of her.

Please help me

[Chi townD]

It sucks dude. But right now, you have to try and pull yourself together. You're doing all the right things by deleting everything about her from your life. Right now, you need to take care of yourself. It sounds like you're the caregiver of your mother.Or is there a possibility that she highly functional? The point Im getting at, can you have an opportunity to get out on your own? I think you need a little independent life for yourself.

 

Stay no contact. But, you need to make positive changes in your life. A new haircut and getting a new wardrobe. Going back to school, getting new hobbies and traveling. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY!

[AlexB]

Another thing i forgot to add is that 2 days before the break up, a day after our 6 months, she said that things were changing for her.

She is going to Europe with her cousin in August, her book deal is going great, she will be premiering a book at an international writers festival, and she said our relationship will have to move to the next level as well. Things had to move forward for her. And then bam! 2 days later she dumps me.

I think i'm quite envious that she is so young and has such a better life than me. She is so accomplished and has so many things going for her, and i have nothing to show for myself :/

 

She is very social and has a lot of friends/makes friends really easily. I on the other hand am antisocial and very shy. I can't really talk to people unless they initiate a conversation with me first. That's why i think moving on for me is going to be quite hard.

 

Some things that she would say/the way she would act would sometimes throw me off her, but i didn't really read much into it, until now. I remember one time she specifically said, she liked being the centre of attention when going out. She liked getting attention from people, and would get annoyed if there was a loud girl trying to get attention away from her. I think this stems from her insecurity?

Since she told me when she was younger she was always told she was ugly etc. And now she gets a lot of attention and people want to bang her and stuff. Ugh.

[AlexB]

It sucks dude. But right now, you have to try and pull yourself together. You're doing all the right things by deleting everything about her from your life. Right now, you need to take care of yourself. It sounds like you're the caregiver of your mother.Or is there a possibility that she highly functional? The point Im getting at, can you have an opportunity to get out on your own? I think you need a little independent life for yourself.

 

Stay no contact. But, you need to make positive changes in your life. A new haircut and getting a new wardrobe. Going back to school, getting new hobbies and traveling. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY!

 

I can't move out as my mum can't be by herself for too long, and i am not financially able to anyway. I won't be able to work for another month or so. I'm completely broke.

 

I did get a haircut, but i my self esteem has always been an issue. I don't feel like i'm good enough. Or like, no one is going to want me.

 

I keep blaming myself for the break up. "If only i did this... If only i did that.."

[AlexB]

I was just chatting to a friend how i was so upset that after i get dumped, the dumper is literally fine in 1 minute and i'm a complete mess.

 

She said that she has seen things online regarding my ex that made her think "wtf". Which leads me to believe my ex is completely over me and is doing great already.

 

My self worth just plummeted when i thought i couldn't get lower.