Author na49 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Wow I have been on NC and contact over the last 4 months with my ex and I feel she is long gone like a stranger to me. I would think 4 solid months of NC for you and your ex should feel like you never even knew her. Just your mind building her up. Well I've got thrown breadcrumbs during the 4 months and we go to the same school so I may run into her on campus. We treat each other like strangers, but she's definitely not a stranger to me.
Coping Vortex Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 The guy who I think my ex left me for is older than me. richer than me. has a nicer car than me. has nicer clothes than me. has a career planned out for him. is a "rock star" and has all of these songs produced. I.. well don't have any of that. which is why I feel so inferior to him and I don't feel like she "downgraded". I'm also having a rough day today, so I'm probably extra negative towards myself right now. I just want to look at my ex as a part of my life that is over. Not as this goddess who is the answer to all of my problems, or this evil witch who hurt me more than anyone ever has before. Doesn't mean anything. The guy my ex left me for is a cop. I could buy and sell this guy 10 times over. Money doesn't matter unless they are a pure gold digger. Plus she claims I was way better in bed than him, more affectionate, and our passion was way over what she feels for him. Yet she is with him not me. And she is not coming back. 1
Debbie2508 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Chin up na, he may have, and be all those things, but that doesn't make him a nice guy like you. That stuff means nothing and if that's what's important to her, she doesn't deserve you. Things could be worse , I've just ordered a burger at Mc D's...... hope it's beef, not horse!!!!
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I hate how it doesn't matter how good I was to her, I'll always be lower than dirt to her. She'll talk about me like all of her other ex boyfriends and tell everyone about how horrible I was. Does my being nice get me anywhere? It hasn't done much for me so far, and when I try to show some backbone and stick up for myself, I feel guilty and want to apologize. I'm still stuck on this blocking her number thing and it was 2 months ago. I don't think I'm going to block her again once the block runs out next month. It's caused me more pain than it's worth to this point. I have no motivation right now. I want to feel good, I just can't get myself to start feeling good once I'm feeling like I do now.
Debbie2508 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Aaaargh, I wish I could make you stop worrying about what she may or may not think of you. Besides, you treated her great, deep down she knows that. She was the one who treated you badly, never forget that. You know it..... and, believe me, she knows it too! Being nice may have got you nowhere with her, cos she didn't want "nice", she wanted the flash guy with the car and the money.....says it all, doesn't it! Carry on being nice, and you'll get a far better girl, I promise. As for the feeling guilty and wanting to apologise..... you know what I'm gonna say SEE A COUNSELLOR pleeeeeeease!!!
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 She wanted nice until the older guy was more attractive, I'm sure all of the girls were wetting their pants over him and how great he is. "ooo he's got a song producer, wow! look at all of his expensive guitars! what a nice car he has!". She told me that "I feel like he just gets me" I haven't seen the counselor yet lol. I appreciate you and everyone looking out for me though. I will go see one soon. I feel like I need it more on a day where I feel like crap than on a good day. (and surprisingly I've had more good days than bad days lately ) today doesn't count though.
Darren Steez Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 The question is why would you want somebody to have such control of your life? She controls your emotions and you're not even with her! You don't need her validation, it doesn't matter how good you treated her and that she threw it all away, that's her problem her loss. You alpha on, go treat another girl better and she might actually treat you good in return. She doesn't matter, but you do. Every time you think about missing her and it feels like crap, replace it and go do something positive FOR YOURSELF. You deserve it!
Author na49 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 The problem is I start to question myself instead of saying that it's "her loss". If I was so great, she wouldn't have left. but she did, and she left me for someone who she felt was better. That must mean that I'm inferior to him. I know these thoughts are self defeating. I just don't know how to get rid of them. It's insane how one person's validation can make me feel worth it. and without her validation, I feel like a useless nobody.
TaraMaiden Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 The problem is I start to question myself instead of saying that it's "her loss". If I was so great, she wouldn't have left. but she did, and she left me for someone who she felt was better. That must mean that I'm inferior to him. No, it doesn't. It means you're different. No better nor worse. Do you think you're a better person than His Holiness the Dalai Lama, or a worse one? he maintains that all his lay followers are far better than him, because they juggle practice with running a family and doing a job - with no entourage. He is just a simple monk (he says) yet he has help doing this! Ridiculous! Let's say for example, you are into naturism and you visit a nudist club. (I'm not being weird, go with me on this). If you examine another human being in all their nakedness , lumps, bumps, fat and all, the proportion of human beings who have the perfect frame is tiny. And what do all these people do, in their day-to-day lives? Are they better than you? Are they worse? No. They're just humans, and their outer skin contains exactly the same things yours does. And you know what? You could meet a Baron or a barrow-boy. One could be fabulously wealthy and a member of the Landed gentry, and the other, your common-or-garden, basic salt-of-the-earth, run-of-the-mill cockney. They both schytt the same way. And I speak from experience. 'Strip' everything away, and they breathe in, breathe out, eat and sleep the same way, too. And the guy she's with is exactly the same, too. What he does, doesn't make him a better human being than you, or superior. Or inferior, for that matter. Just different. I know these thoughts are self defeating. I just don't know how to get rid of them. It's insane how one person's validation can make me feel worth it. and without her validation, I feel like a useless nobody. Oh stop it, for goodness' sake. Now you're just whingeing and looking for sympathy. Don't throw a pity-party, you're a better guy than that. Get a grip and quit feeling so sorry for yourself. "If all the problems of the world were put into one great big pile, each person would be content to quietly take back their share and just silently slip away". What you need to do is to go to Rio de Janeiro and go to the shanty towns, where kids live in excrement and run around filthy and shoeless - and still laugh. Think on that the next time you're convinced you're inferior to him. They don't think they're inferior to anyone. "It is what it is". Deal with it. C'mon man, snap out of it!
Debbie2508 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 it's scary how the way we think is so similar. It helps me to know that I'm not the only one. I also think there must be something wrong with me,or else why would he have left. He didnt cheat on me,but,all the same,he left.So obviously I wasn't good enough/smart enough/attractive enough or whatever. It doesn't matter how many people tell me that it's his loss/he'll regret it/he's a d*ck/he had issues etcetc,I still "choose" to believe it was all down to me not being good enough. I've always felt "not quite good enough",then I met him,he was everything I'd dreamed of in a man,and I never in a million years thought he would be interested in me,but he was.And like you,I thought if this amazing guy loves me,then I can't be so bad,can I? Then,he leaves and I'm in a worse state than before I met him.....sound familiar? I truly think that counselling (now you've made the appointment:)) is the way forwards for us both. It will be interesting to see if the advice is the same on both sides of The Atlantic,and given our age difference.
Author na49 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 I hate that she wanted something "different". She had me and thought "No... I don't want him. I want him! Ooo he's different and I like that!" and I'm just left there with no apology or anything. I try to feel like I'm equal to everyone because in the end I am, it's just hard to convince myself of that. The people who have more money than me. Or more friends than me. Or a nicer car than me. Or a career plan. I feel like these people are "better" than me. Debbie- I'm sure the advice will be the same, but I'll be posting all about it after I go. I wish I could have gone earlier, but tomorrow and Friday were all filled up. The feeling validated by one person is definitely a problem, I hate how I invested so much into my first relationship. I feel so stupid for doing that.
cavalier99 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Ha glad to see you have an appointment for counseling. Good job! Man its tough to get you to act. I had to work you over for a month on the blocking thing. Now we had to gang up on you again for the counseling. At least at the end of the day you end up doing the right things. I can only imagine how bad it would be if you didn't follow advise. Lol be grateful that inspite of your thoughts and initial resistance you still eventually follow some of the good advise you have received. Cav
McDonald Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 (edited) The counseling does help Na. You have read my threads and know we are in exact situations lol. I have been seeif a counseler for about 1 month it really does help. I've also been seein the peer advisors on campus. They are a group of students who are trained to listen to problems of other students. I fun them actually more helpful than the counseler because they care very close to my age and understand this generations actions beause they are apart of it. If your school had something along those lines I highly suggest you check it out. I also use the free massage chairs in the counseling building at the school and it works wonders haha. Edited February 27, 2013 by McDonald
Author na49 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 I'm actually really excited to see the counselor. Talking to somebody who I haven't spoken to about my BU with a clearer head than I had right after it happened. It felt good talking about it with my friend a few days ago. It may sound like BS, but I'm a lot less emotional about this BU now than I was 2 months ago. Even though I still struggle with missing her, wanting her back, etc. 1
cavalier99 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I'm actually really excited to see the counselor. Talking to somebody who I haven't spoken to about my BU with a clearer head than I had right after it happened. It felt good talking about it with my friend a few days ago. It may sound like BS, but I'm a lot less emotional about this BU now than I was 2 months ago. Even though I still struggle with missing her, wanting her back, etc. 2 months ago was when you blocked her. Big reason your lees emotional coupled with NC and time. It was the right call. Dont ever second guess it. Some times the hardest steps are the ones that produce the most healing. 1
Author na49 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 2 months ago was when you blocked her. Big reason your lees emotional coupled with NC and time. It was the right call. Dont ever second guess it. Some times the hardest steps are the ones that produce the most healing. For sure. It's nice when you look back and notice improvements. I was so much more emotional back then. Back then ignoring her seemed like a good idea, but now I second guess it and feel like "I could handle finding out what she wanted and if it wasn't anything good I could tell her to go kick rocks". but 2 months ago, I was emotional and couldn't. So I didn't. and here I am. Feeling better and angry as hell today at my ex! I guess I stole some of your anger cav 1
Author na49 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 How am I supposed to get rid of the regret for not responding to her when she did want to talk? She doesn't anymore obviously, but I still wonder what if I ruined my chance?
cavalier99 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 How am I supposed to get rid of the regret for not responding to her when she did want to talk? She doesn't anymore obviously, but I still wonder what if I ruined my chance? Ok NA. Ill give it straight up to you. We have been gaming you and are in collusion. You definitely ruined your chance. She wanted back. We did this on purpose and made you block her because. SHE IS A CHEATING HO Lol Cav
Author na49 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 dammit cav. you're kidding right? she didn't want me back. right?
coltsfan1 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 NA, the post by CAV was total sarcasm!!! No one that has posted in this thread has any other motivation than giving you the best advice. I crashed and burned when my ex left, I regret it now. It was an embarrassing time for me and it caused my healing process to be delayed. It did nothing positive for me expect force me to change, it was like an alcoholic hitting rock bottom. The ONLY good thing that came from it was there was no where to go but up.
cavalier99 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) dammit cav. you're kidding right? she didn't want me back. right? Haha yes im kidding. But the point is valid. Even if she did want back hypothetically (and she doesn't). As a man you shouldn't take her back. You are better than that and deserve better. Just wanted to slam that home to show you the mind set you need. Read this website. I don't agree with everything but it might give you some good tid bits of information. I have browsed it the last few days and the blog is interesting. http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/ Edited March 2, 2013 by cavalier99
Author na49 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 I like to think I didn't miss a chance at getting back with her because I ignored her breadcrumbs. but I feel so much worse when I think that I missed out. I feel better when I think she's been done with me since before she dumped me than to feel like she was having second thoughts and I ignored her.
cavalier99 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) I like to think I didn't miss a chance at getting back with her because I ignored her breadcrumbs. but I feel so much worse when I think that I missed out. I feel better when I think she's been done with me since before she dumped me than to feel like she was having second thoughts and I ignored her. Well here is the problem with that line of though. It is passive and it is a doormat mentality. Understand? I doesn't matter if she wanted you back or not. This is the crux of the problem that is slowing up your recovery. You don't want her back. So what she wants is irrelevant even if she begged you. You have decided she doesn't deserve you and you are better than that. Edited March 2, 2013 by cavalier99
Author na49 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 I was actually feeling good until the "what if" thoughts creeped back into my head now.. If she wanted me back, I at least want to know she did whether I took her back or not. I hate the feeling of missing my chance or "being too late" it affects my recovery even more.
cavalier99 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 I was actually feeling good until the "what if" thoughts creeped back into my head now.. If she wanted me back, I at least want to know she did whether I took her back or not. I hate the feeling of missing my chance or "being too late" it affects my recovery even more. Well she didnt want you back to be clear. But you are missing the point. You don't care if she did. You are still using her to validate your ego (ego boost) thus giving her power over you. Boost your own ego. It makes perfect sense why it was so hard for you to block her. You control your happiness. You don't need her to want you so you can decide to reject her. Again that is giving her power. This is what is affecting you recovery. You dont care what she wanted or felt because you know you dont want her.
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