na49 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I've been getting very frustrated lately. I've worked so hard on almost 4 months of NC (pretty strict NC, I got fed breadcrumbs early and haven't looked at her facebook at all) I always have these urges where I just want to call her. (her number is blocked). I want to message her somehow whether it be email or facebook message. (she's blocked) I want to see who she is dating. If she is dating. and hear where her head is at when it comes to me. I want her to know that I still have feelings for her and that I would be willing to give us another shot if she wanted. The frustrating part is that I know that none of this will do any good for me. So if it doesn't do any good for me? Why do I always feel like doing it so much? Do other people have these problems? How do you deal with them? They're honestly exhausting. I want to be over this already.
GG3 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Who broke up with who and why? Yes I think similar things everyday. Lately it makes me feel crazy.
Author na49 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 She dumped me. I later found out she was talking with another guy behind my back and had cheated on me with him. Yes I know. She should be dead to me. I shouldn't want a cheater back. I really don't want the cheater back. I want the way I remember her back and for some reason I can't come to terms with the fact that the version of her I want, doesn't exist. but for some reason I always feel like "Well maybe she wants to try things again" "Maybe she's waiting for me to reach out" "What if I just tell her how I feel?" and I was having a good day today too..
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I've had these urges. Just no point in them. Haven't we given them enough, without throwing the rest of our dignity at their uncaring feet?
Debbie2508 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I'm just the same, I wanna call, text or whatever. And I know I shouldn't want him back, but I do. My head knows it could never work between us, but my heart can't stand the pain. I also wonder if I just keep texting occasionally,he'll know I'm thinking of him. I'm not worried about "losing face " or giving him an ego trip, I know he's not like that. But, really I know I should just give up and go "cold turkey" as everyone advises. It's just so hard.
Gingerxr2 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) I've been getting very frustrated lately. I've worked so hard on almost 4 months of NC (pretty strict NC, I got fed breadcrumbs early and haven't looked at her facebook at all) I always have these urges where I just want to call her. (her number is blocked). I want to message her somehow whether it be email or facebook message. (she's blocked) I want to see who she is dating. If she is dating. and hear where her head is at when it comes to me. I want her to know that I still have feelings for her and that I would be willing to give us another shot if she wanted. The frustrating part is that I know that none of this will do any good for me. So if it doesn't do any good for me? Why do I always feel like doing it so much? Do other people have these problems? How do you deal with them? They're honestly exhausting. I want to be over this already. Me and you are very similar , My friend put it very easily for me today Look at yourself and your heart and soul as an egg and life is a spoon , when you play the egg and spoon race you try very hard not to drop the egg while you run with the egg on the spoon , so if it drops it will break and shatter with no repair , so the only way to stop this is to hard boil it ? !! I looked at this to mean that if we learn by our mistakes and gain something from our break ups and heartbreaks then next time we won't love the wrong person , life is a journey that we all must take , and some people are just lucky . Well be fine mate Edited February 25, 2013 by Gingerxr2
Gingerxr2 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Mate I can't remember who put this on a post I wrote on but it helped me alot copy and paste it in an email to yourself and read it when you feel like emailing her !! It's quite hard but it works Aren't you a man? Answer me! It is time, as a man, you put this in it's proper place. How...long will you let her rule your emotions?....Maybe until you become bitter and enraged at the world; maybe you will lashout at those you love...maybe then you will open your eyes and see the truth....Much like me... You are a man. Focus on yourself, as a man. Part of learning to be a proper man, is learning to restrain and control your emotions: it is adulthood. You know who makes you feel like crap..... do you know?.... It is you, friend. Contacting a person who is happy without you, is meaningless. Nothing else to add, just meaningless. It shows the scared boy in you. It shows the incapable man, unable to move on...Granted, it hasn't been all too long for you, now has it? I ask you a question, do answer: Is your happiness dependant on another person?......Should it be? Your happiness is dependant on her...you bleed - hoping she will somehow be sad, or miss you: Reality is, she couldn't care. Chain these emotions like a man, an adult. Is it hard? Unbelievably! Will you fail? Absolutely. Yet, you pick yourself up...no?..................... .... Your happiness is depedant on one person: You. You shouldn't be happy, because of someone else. You shouldn't be sad, because of mean people. You shouldn't see yourself as anything less. But you do...Instead, rise above it. See yourself as happy, and able to live without her...To find yourself, and your happiness! Then what? Some other lady comes in...and you have yourself, maybe, an experience you haven't yet had? Love returned...Not just love given. Tomorrow is my exes bday....I am not gonna worry about her. Sure, I could think of her screwing some guy, giving her a gift; I can remember what she did to mine...But I won't. I simply won't. That memory will comeup, and I will toss it away, just as she did to me. No feelings at all. I am not trying to be mean to you...In fact, I feel for you. I just want you to realize, that you need to start forcing your willpower upon your wild, free emotions; to rein them in, and to not hurt. There is no other way. We, or anyone else, you included, can tell yourself ten-thousand thousand times over, words, and words... they will not do you a single bit of good, until you realize the art of chaining up your emotions like a man. Put them into proper prospects. In order to do this, you have to force yourself...it isn't easy. In the end....do not talk to her. If she was happy without you; happy to cheat on you. What good will a few more words do..?? But break you down and show her what a weak little boy you are... You are a smart guy, be that smart guy. You are better than this. You are young: you're not old; you have a life to live for yourself; growth to experience for yourself. Many women, or maybe that next one; and you can find a love returned is better than a love given... 2
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 She dumped me. I later found out she was talking with another guy behind my back and had cheated on me with him. Yes I know. She should be dead to me. I shouldn't want a cheater back. I really don't want the cheater back. I want the way I remember her back and for some reason I can't come to terms with the fact that the version of her I want, doesn't exist. but for some reason I always feel like "Well maybe she wants to try things again" "Maybe she's waiting for me to reach out" "What if I just tell her how I feel?" and I was having a good day today too.. Do you know what my brother did, to stop himself having the urge to speak to his ex-GF when she left him for another guy she'd been screwing for months....? He visualised himself having sex with her - and the lubricant being the other guy's ejaculate. Did wonders for his desire to see her again.....
Gingerxr2 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Do you know what my brother did, to stop himself having the urge to speak to his ex-GF when she left him for another guy she'd been screwing for months....? He visualised himself having sex with her - and the lubricant being the other guy's ejaculate. Did wonders for his desire to see her again..... Ok can you explain that to me ?
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Do you know what my brother did, to stop himself having the urge to speak to his ex-GF when she left him for another guy she'd been screwing for months....? He visualised himself having sex with her - and the lubricant being the other guy's ejaculate. Did wonders for his desire to see her again..... Finally you respond to one of my threads. lol I feel like you never post in mine. Probably because I've already gone NC Anyway, I think of this, it hurts but it doesn't help. Plus I don't know for a fact she is with this guy she cheated on me with, or a new guy. So I can only picture her getting railed by some mystery guy. When I was in my "spy on her through mutual friends" stage a few weeks ago I think I saw something about a boyfriend and Valentine's Day. It hurt, but I didn't do any further research because I know that if I did, I'd be comparing myself to him. I would be upset if she was with this guy she cheated on me with. I would be upset if it was a new guy. So either way I lose. Would actually knowing who she's dating help me? Would it get rid of these crazy thoughts? You'd think seeing her happy without me would be enough for me. but it's only enough for a little while and then these thoughts creep up on me. Then I start to think the innocent girl I was so in love with still exists and is just waiting for me to come back. I know how ridiculous that sounds.
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 The problem is, that the only person messing with your mind, is you. You perpetuate these thoughts and permit them to snowball. Maybe I should write a book, because of late, I've been 'duplicating' pertinent posts that I already put elsewhere..... But this isn't 'second-hand' advice: It's advice I know works, and is appropriate to you. It is kind of like reading a book, in a way: Other people have read it, but it doesn't matter: If it hits the mark, then it's safe to consider it advice tailored to fit you - because if it's appropriate, then it IS for you.... I read something on the internet, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, beyond those 12 minutes, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. I truly hope this helps. If you HAVE read it before, then reading it again won't hurt. But use it to heal.... 1
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I feel like that doesn't answer why I still feel like I have to try to convince myself it's over between us by seeing what she's up to. I keep telling myself "okay if I just see she's happy without me I'll be fine" then I see pictures of her friends and want to puke. Then I tell myself "Okay I found out she's dating someone new, it's over" and now I have the feelings again. I keep wanting to check, get burned, tell myself "okay that's enough" and stop because I feel super depressed, until I feel like doing it again a week or two later. She's become my addiction and I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I'm not pining for her and want to see what she's doing.
McDonald Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Na I have been having the same thoughts. Doing well 2 months into NC and then for some reason it all starts coming back. At LEAST you didnt run into your ex today like i did. Straight up as i was walking out of the elveator... talk about being set back, but like Tara said; the pains now are being self inflicted. The Ex's are gone. They arent causing us anymore pain. We are allowing ourselves to continue being hurt.
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Sorry you had to run into her today man. I know how it feels. What my biggest problem is getting rid of this ideal version I still have of her. I still think that there's this innocent girl who wants me to contact her so she can explain everything and we kiss and make up and live happily ever after. I convince myself that this would happen and it makes me want to go through with it. Then I see a recent picture of her now or hear her name and it makes me sick. I just saw one of her friends make a post to her and when I saw her name my heart started racing and I had a mini panic attack. I feel guilty for trying to move on and not fighting for her more. I feel uncomfortable when I have a good day for too long and I think it's why I let myself go back to my "I miss her and I want her" stage.
GB25 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I feel like that doesn't answer why I still feel like I have to try to convince myself it's over between us by seeing what she's up to. I keep telling myself "okay if I just see she's happy without me I'll be fine" then I see pictures of her friends and want to puke. Then I tell myself "Okay I found out she's dating someone new, it's over" and now I have the feelings again. I keep wanting to check, get burned, tell myself "okay that's enough" and stop because I feel super depressed, until I feel like doing it again a week or two later. She's become my addiction and I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I'm not pining for her and want to see what she's doing. Put some research into " urge surfing" its what addicts use to stop from giving into urges, this will help you if you truly are struggling with NC
cavalier99 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) Sorry you had to run into her today man. I know how it feels. What my biggest problem is getting rid of this ideal version I still have of her. I still think that there's this innocent girl who wants me to contact her so she can explain everything and we kiss and make up and live happily ever after. I convince myself that this would happen and it makes me want to go through with it. Then I see a recent picture of her now or hear her name and it makes me sick. I just saw one of her friends make a post to her and when I saw her name my heart started racing and I had a mini panic attack. I feel guilty for trying to move on and not fighting for her more. I feel uncomfortable when I have a good day for too long and I think it's why I let myself go back to my "I miss her and I want her" stage. NA what are we going to do with you? dude you need go get a grip. You've got some great advise. You arnt taking it. I know this is tough. But WTF dude. You feel uncomfortable when you feel good. I don't get it. Guilty for not fighting for her? Why? I don't know. Your posts are very coherent. I understand what your saying but I'm having trouble relating to an extent. Your thought process might be beyond my LS paygrade. Im at a loss. I'm begining to wonder if your making the effort. You need to control yourself and thoughts. Only you can do it. Posting more won't help necesarily. Time and NC will to an extent. Can you truly say your trying to stop the cyclical thoughts? What about the conselor? I don't want to come down on you too hard because your young and this is tough but you need to man up more. I guess you just need to look in the mirror or something and make a decision. You can do it bro. Cav Edited February 26, 2013 by cavalier99 1
cavalier99 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) Put some research into " urge surfing" its what addicts use to stop from giving into urges, this will help you if you truly are struggling with NC He isn't struggling that much with NC. He has done really good with this. His struggle is with obsessive fantastical circular thinking that is stifling his healing. Sorry NA. Just felt like you needed a kick in the butt today. You should make appointment with doc tommorow. And tell him what is going on. You might need an SSRI and conseling. You need to do this. Ok? There is no shame in this. I'm going to look into it for me and I've been pretty good last couple days. It can only help. Edited February 26, 2013 by cavalier99
Debbie2508 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) NA what are we going to do with you? dude you need go get a grip. You've got some great advise. You arnt taking it. I know this is tough. But WTF dude. You feel uncomfortable when you feel good. I don't get it. Guilty for not fighting for her? Why? I don't know. Your posts are very coherent. I understand what your saying but I'm having trouble relating to an extent. Your thought process might be beyond my LS paygrade. Im at a loss. I'm begining to wonder if your making the effort. You need to control yourself and thoughts. Only you can do it. Posting more won't help necesarily. Time and NC will to an extent. Can you truly say your trying to stop the cyclical thoughts? What about the conselor? I don't want to come down on you too hard because your young and this is tough but you need to man up more. I guess you just need to look in the mirror or something and make a decision. You can do it bro. Cav Of all the people on here, I can relate to na most if all.Very odd as he's an 18 year old guy, and I'm a 50 yr old woman! I guess we both feel, against all odds, we met the perfect person and were amazed that they felt the same way. They gave us confidence for once and made us feel "worthy" and that we could do anything. And, yes, I know everyone will say that you shouldn't rely on another person to do all that, it should come from yourself, but the fact is.... we did,and now we feel ( sorry na, I keep referring to "we", hope its accurate for you!) even less confident than before, and that we'll never find that kind of love again. I'm also guilty of the snowballing thoughts, I get some small random thought in my head out of nowhere, then think about it obsessively and analyse the hell out of it til I go crazy. The only difference between us is that my ex doesn't have a Facebook acc, or any way for me to check up on him. Also, na is doing brilliantly with NC whereas I really struggle with it. Today would've been our 2 yr anniversary and I know it's gonna be so difficult to stop myself texting at some point! I think it's true, for me anyway, about being unwilling to put in the hard work, in terms of the obsessive and spiralling thoughts. I had a couple of good days last week when I literally forced myself to think of other things, but it was soo hard, by the 3rd day I just reverted back to my weak willed self. This will sound pathetic, but I'll say it anyway..... it's almost like its easier to just sit at home crying and remembering all the good times. Not sure why that is. Anyway , sorry, woken up early for work as always, and don't wanna start the day, but writing this has occupied me for a while . Have a good day na....... and everyone Edited February 26, 2013 by Debbie2508 2
cavalier99 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) Everyone says we need to feel out emotions and let them happen. I AGREE. I've also read about controlling our thoughts and emotions and even chaining them up and I AGREE. I think a key part of this process comes back to feeling you emotions and thoughts and respecting them. Then putting then squarely in their spot, like making a good dog sit. When we don't recognize clearly and objectively observe these emotions (in a some what stoic manner) we end up creating our own discomfort. Basically hunkering down and controlling ourselves whether it be circular thought or emotions. Not really sure what I'm saying but emotional fortitude and toughness is one of my new goals..I'm just not going to take any sh*t anymore from her (not a concern as she never contacts me) and more importantly myself. I'M NOT GOING TO LET THIS BU TAKE ME DOWN. ARE YOU NA? Anyway..my weird thoughts for the day. Edited February 26, 2013 by cavalier99 2
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I'll go to class today with that thought in mind cav. also I guess people just say it out of respect, but no one here should worry about being too hard on me. I don't have the most confidence, but I'm very self aware and I know my flaws. I do need to hear it from others though or else I won't bring as much attention to it. I haven't gone to the counselor because I had a good day yesterday (until I got home where I hit a rough patch) My friend served as my counselor and listened to my nonsense for a little while. Debbie- You're right about everything. That's how I felt with my ex. I was finally a somebody with her, and it couldn't have come at a better time. We're starting college, I'm with her, we can both go through college together being known for being a couple. I'll be "her boyfriend" and she'll be "my girlfriend" Then she breaks up with me, and I feel like a nobody. You better not text him today Debbie! Try doing something all day. I surprised myself on Valentine's Day and wasn't as miserable as I thought I'd be. My "would have been" anniversary with my ex is in April. That'll probably be the next day that is really hard for me. It'll take a lot for me to not just shoot her a "hey" text message on that day and keep things short. I always wonder what if. I wonder what she's up to. I want to know what she's doing, who this new guy is? Is he the same guy she cheated on me with? A new guy? but I don't want to find out. 1
McDonald Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I always wonder what if. I wonder what she's up to. I want to know what she's doing, who this new guy is? Is he the same guy she cheated on me with? A new guy? but I don't want to find out. When I saw my ex with her new guy.. I was like "really.. You left me for this guy?" So in a way it helped me to see that at least in my eyes and some of my other girls who are friends see me as being better looking etc the. The new guy. Kinda helps the self esteem. However, it's not worth the feeling of seeing your ex with him. That feeling of your heart dropping to your stomach. Though I do run into them a lot, every time is better and better. Maybe seeing them is a form of closure allowin myself to move on.
Coping Vortex Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 When I saw my ex with her new guy.. I was like "really.. You left me for this guy?" So in a way it helped me to see that at least in my eyes and some of my other girls who are friends see me as being better looking etc the. The new guy. Kinda helps the self esteem. However, it's not worth the feeling of seeing your ex with him. That feeling of your heart dropping to your stomach. Though I do run into them a lot, every time is better and better. Maybe seeing them is a form of closure allowin myself to move on. I would never want to run into my ex and her new guy. Too much pain. I want to remember her fondly looking into my eyes with the look of love. Although now its more like a past dream to me now. Like it almost never happened. Everyday that goes by I slowly forget us that close anymore. Sad, but I guess it helps to heal.
Author na49 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 When I saw my ex with her new guy.. I was like "really.. You left me for this guy?" So in a way it helped me to see that at least in my eyes and some of my other girls who are friends see me as being better looking etc the. The new guy. Kinda helps the self esteem. However, it's not worth the feeling of seeing your ex with him. That feeling of your heart dropping to your stomach. Though I do run into them a lot, every time is better and better. Maybe seeing them is a form of closure allowin myself to move on. The guy who I think my ex left me for is older than me. richer than me. has a nicer car than me. has nicer clothes than me. has a career planned out for him. is a "rock star" and has all of these songs produced. I.. well don't have any of that. which is why I feel so inferior to him and I don't feel like she "downgraded". I'm also having a rough day today, so I'm probably extra negative towards myself right now. I just want to look at my ex as a part of my life that is over. Not as this goddess who is the answer to all of my problems, or this evil witch who hurt me more than anyone ever has before.
Coping Vortex Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 She dumped me. I later found out she was talking with another guy behind my back and had cheated on me with him. Yes I know. She should be dead to me. I shouldn't want a cheater back. I really don't want the cheater back. I want the way I remember her back and for some reason I can't come to terms with the fact that the version of her I want, doesn't exist. but for some reason I always feel like "Well maybe she wants to try things again" "Maybe she's waiting for me to reach out" "What if I just tell her how I feel?" and I was having a good day today too.. Wow I have been on NC and contact over the last 4 months with my ex and I feel she is long gone like a stranger to me. I would think 4 solid months of NC for you and your ex should feel like you never even knew her. Just your mind building her up.
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