Just venting..

[psm04]

Ok, so I am slowly realizing what I've known all along, but decided to ignore. I feel really stupid right now. I fell back into the whole affair again, and now I'm going through the whole 'feeling like ****' thing that always happens with each cycle of this. I've read several posts on here, and I've realized that even though my MOM said very nice things and even went to the point of saying he loves me (once), it really isn't love. I mean, I've known him for over 2 years now, and we still don't have each other's numbers. All of our interactions are at work, right after work, or on instant messaging. He keeps telling me that I'm a good friend and that he wants to keep in touch as a friend, etc., but then why is it that we don't behave as friends? I mean, if I wanted to talk to him about something, I cannot. I have no way to contact him,except send him an email. If I wanted to go out to get coffee with him, he can't. As far as affairs go, this is the worst kind. UGH! I want to scream! Reading the posts on here is helping me a ton

 

Every time I try to end things, he keeps coming back. And even though he pretty much has all these boundaries, and is very tied to his wife and kids, he still gets jealous and possessive of me talking to others (even though I am married too!!). But then he says that he's not jealous of my husband, only of other guys.

 

I'm just needing to vent right now. Why do people knowingly put themselves in situations that end up making them feel like complete crap? Over and over again. And why is it so difficult to get out of it? Yes, I miss the 'in-love' feeling that I don't have much with my husband, and that I get with this guy, but the hurt and pain and lack of peace is just so bad..

[Quiet Storm]

Why do people knowingly put themselves in situations that end up making them feel like complete crap? Over and over again.

 

Usually it is because they have no insight into why they make the choices they make. They make decisions based on emotions and feelings, without much thought.

 

Many women in bad relationships often repeat these patterns because they are subconsiously trying to fix an early relationship, usually the one with their father. Although a woman's relationship with her father is not romantic, if she feels neglected or abandoned by him, she can unknowingly be drawn to men that inspire similar feelings. The relationship is sort of an unconcsious attempt to resolve those feelings. It's an unhealthy attempt to soothe that old pain. We all logically know that getting an unavailable man to love, validate and shower attention does not heal those wounds. Our emotions aren't logical, though, and unresolved issues have a tendacy to surface in ways that we do not expect.

 

Some people are introspective and able to resolve their issues in a healthy way, and go on to make better choices. Others may need counseling to guide them, and to heal those old hurts.

 

Every time I try to end things, he keeps coming back.

 

He is making the choice to come back. You can choose not to accept him back.

Edited February 25, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[stevie_23]

Hmm. My father was loving and generous, but never really took a hugely active role in my upbringing. He worked hard for our family, but my mother was the one who disciplined me, who knew everything about me, who was closest to me.

 

My dad was an alcoholic from age 4-14. I obviously developed a bit of an “arm’s length approach”. I was also very torn between protecting my mum and being loyal to her and also knowing that my dad was simply NOT behaving the way he should be, and also trying NOT to show anger or sadness towards my dad or for my own self because it embarrassed me to feel things and to need things and have one of my parents not be able to fulfill that need and seemingly not WANT to fulfill it. I felt bad for both my dad for being someone who couldn’t do that, what a normal good father should do, and also I felt bad for me because I felt like I was somehow inferior. Like if I was a better person he wouldn’t be like that in the first place.

 

I watched him verbally abuse my mum regularly. Never physical or sexual, never abused me either. Just my mum because she was closest to him and he was most comfortable with her. Expected things from her. Loved her. He once said he hated her for everything he ever loved her for. As a 10 year old, that kind of twisted my brain and I didn’t even understand what it meant for a long time. It’s haunted me though. I knew it meant something pretty terrible.

 

Early on I learnt that although I loved my dad, I couldn’t rely on him. My mum was it. And then later, way later, I was sure I was gay. Women only for me! I never blamed my dad for this and never would (and I don’t consider it anything to assign blame to anyway, as it’s not a “fault” to be gay), but I think it’s got something to do with it. Women I could rely on. Women I could trust. Women I could understand. Women I felt strong feelings towards of needing them and also protecting them. Men intimidated me and made me feel inferior as well.

 

2 most happy, long term lesbian relationships later, and my ex-MM arrives on the scene. A man. My first man. Online / long distance only, yes, but still a valid relationship in my opinion. But what did this particular relationship show about my relationship with my own father?

 

I developed feelings for a married man – I was not available as I was with my long term partner. He was not available as he was with his partner. And even if I HAD been single, would I have been 100% available even then? Or would I have to hold him at arm’s length? Like my dad? If he lived near me instead of across the world, would this have scared me too much to act on my feelings? Did the distance give me the relative freedom to explore and indulge? Did the distance allow me that arm’s length aspect without having to do that on my normal emotional level?

 

My feelings were hugely intense. I showed him EVERYTHING of me, good and bad. Sometimes very bad. Tantrums, swearing, hateful and hurtful biting words. Similar outbursts of abuse that I witnessed my dad doing to my mum during my childhood. My ex-MM once wondered if I was expressing the anger I had for my dad through him. We discussed it. He was very patient and understanding. Interested in why I did certain things and treated him certain ways.

 

I feel the need for protection and support from a man if I am in a romantic interaction with them. I had never felt this before. Not from my dad as such, and not from my gay guy friends. I know my dad would support and protect me at all times (he hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol since I was 14, back in 1993) but I just don’t ever SHOW that I need anything. But in terms of a romantic relationship, I NEED desperately to show that. To be weak. Vulnerable. Emotional. Protected and supported.

 

So yeah. That’s just my own specific experience. The father thing IS very relevant.