Depressed before I met her, Depressed after now too.

[BarbecueMan666]

Hi there.

 

I hit a bit of a reality checkpoint yesterday while talking to my father.

I was happy with my ex, despite having bad times - but in general was pretty happy. Before I met her, I was pretty depressed I suppose. A friend showed me some of her youtube videos, she was silly and qwerky and I liked that. - I practically watched them when ever I had the opportunity, almost obsessively and it made me happier (not that anybody knew I was depressed, I always acted happy.) Anyhow, the relationship began, I was swept off my feet. This woman who I adored also loved me back, and things seemed better than ever.

 

Time goes by, her feelings faded as she moved away I suppose, and she just didn't see things working out. The breakup happened like so - she was being distant with me, and more cold than usual, we were still having sex, hanging out and laughing but it wasn't quite the same. My feelings for her were still there, I got more irritated and embarrassed by her than usual, but for her things definitely changed. I've no idea why - the extent of her reason for wanting to breakup was "she didn't see things working out." Besides that, I tried to contact 3 weeks later as I was still hanging onto hope and wanted her to bang it shut, and she didn't want to talk on the phone, but texted me "I don't want to be with you anymore. I've been really happy since making the decision." - Was pretty brutal, but I guess it was what I needed.

 

The problem though doesn't lie with the fact I got my heart broken, I'm actually really sad I have nobody to support me, and nobody for me to support. In the relationship I had the money, I had the time, and I helped her out an awful lot, and poured my whole being into her. Now, you may ask "well aren't you free then? If you gave so much?" - Well the answer to that would be no. I feel lost again. I felt so safe with this woman, that I didn't have to worry about anything really, and even if troublesome times did come up, I didn't have a worry in the world.

 

I used to help advertise her youtube videos, cheer her up, buy her stuff for pageants etc etc. All in all, I was a very giving guy and I miss that. I know I miss her, but I probably miss the idea of her more than the actual her, while I know when times were great, they were great, but they were no longer. What I actually miss is the feeling of safety she helped provide me, and the ability for me to pour everything I had into someone else. Even though I've achieved a lot in my 23 years, I still feel extremely insecure about everything, and this breakup has just seemingly brought all that back in a tidal wave. Can anyone relate to this? Or share some of their experiences with me?

 

For a quick summary - I moved to America, Got involved with a girl very quickly within a few months of being here, my housemate and mutual friend was miss oregon USA and set us up, I watched her youtube videos all the time and I guess became a little obsessed. Things went very smooth, she loved what I did, her family was very welcoming - I helped her out with everything. Things faded and I've become lost again it seemed. I wasn't really that happy before I met her. I'm not sure what I have to do to become happy, as I never really felt happy until I was with her, Obviously she isn't some miracle cure, but I was using her to fulfill something in me, and I'm not sure how to fill it myself.

[Granin]

I relate to this so much. Bear with me while I ramble

 

 

It's a little different in my case, I never managed to start a relationship with the girl (she turned me down in the end) but she completely changed my life philosophy. I met her around late October at a Students Union, she actually came on to me first. Flirtatious and really sort of all over me in this playful way. I didn't know what to do really, I wasn't drinking and had to be coerced into going out (one of those nights). Spent most of the night on my phone and laboriously joining in to Gangnam Style.

 

 

She just looked me in the eyes and said "You look lost". I don't know but it's like something hit me in the chest. I was so depressed and really "lost" around that time. Most of my friends had gone to university a year prior (I was visiting one with some other friends) and I didn't know what I wanted to do. I elected to stay at home and get a menial job til I figured it out, but I hated the job and started to question what I was doing. I was just working, going out drinking (some drugs too) and playing StarCraft and Skyrim. I wasn't growing as a person while nearly everyone else I knew had made the jump.

 

 

Since I met her, I've applied to university (and got in), I'm learning to drive again, I'm working out every day (swimming, I nearly died from an asthma attack so that was also an incentive I guess) I'm going to China for a month in August, I'm going Skiing, I'm going to France and New York. I'm trying to start playing a hand and really live again rather than fold out of fear.

 

 

She's an exchange student from Russia and she works incredibly hard. She's fun but she's also got this really reserved side. When most people are quiet it's because they're either too scared to speak or they have nothing to say, but she can sit there quietly listening to me and say one sentence and it'll just be so profoundly on the mark. She doesn't waste words. And English isn't even her first language, and she's always worried that she's messing it up, I love that too. She's independant, adventurous and we share a lot of interests. She's amazing.

 

 

Anyyyway, to my point haha. I think two things make it difficult to for me to forget about her (I plan to sever the link this weekend as we've become good friends, but it's too painful for me (there was drunken fooling around not long ago and now things are fresh again for me)).

 

 

1. The impact she's had on my life

2. The investment I put into the relationship

 

 

And I think both of those apply to you. She's obviously had a big impact on your life if she managed to bring you out of a depression phase. But what you've got to realise (and me too) is she was just a catalyst. The real change and emotion and everything that transpired was all you, and you don't need the catalyst anymore. You've learnt a lot from the experience and you have to take that away and carry on. Try and embrace and focus on all the positives. Let the emotion happen, that's just chemicals in your brain, but never let it hinder what you're actually DOING with your life and believe me I know how hard it can be, but don't focus on the negative thoughts.

 

 

I was bullied quite a lot through early school life and have always been teased harshly, if playfully, by my friends. The rejection wasn't just a disappointment, it was an affirmation of every negative thing that I've ever thought about myself. But you have to set that aside and really just focus on improving yourself, which I think you're trying to do from your other threads. I was depressed before, slightly depressed during our dating phase because I just felt she was too good to be true, and very depressed now. But one thing has changed - I've learned, grown and developed so much. And that was from taking a chance and trying, rather than my couple of years of passivity out of fear.

 

 

Secondly you obviously invested a lot into her. If you think about it a large part of attraction is investment, whether this be mental and in your head or the physical acts of investment, whether financial or just with your time. Every time I went to see this girl I had to spend £30 and sometimes a four hour train journey. I didn't care at the time but looking back I put so much into trying to get something to work with her. We'd talk all the time, but I think I'd initiate more conversations than she did. I think about her a lot, but that's investment in itself.

 

 

You've obviously invested a lot more than that being it was a full mutual reationship. Think about it. If you had two identical cars, one which you had saved your whole life for, and one which was identical, but wasn't the one you first saw in the shop, you're way more inclined to get the one you invested in. The time and energy and money you poured into something you believed in that turned out to be futile.

 

 

But it wasn't! Because whether you feel it yet or not, you will have grown so much from this experience man, just let the negative emotions do their thing, not impact your actions, and focus on what you learned

Edited February 25, 2013 by Granin

[Bando89]

There's a thing in which I feel the same as you, when you say that 'even if troublesome times did come up, I didn't have a worry in the world'.

 

That's so true. I'm currently in a master degree in philosophy which I don't know where it will lead me. I would like a job, so that I can go live on my own and my life overall is a bit depressed. When I was with her, I had the energy and the attitude to win everything. I was like 'I'll do this and this, or this one, and I'll do it, because we're together and everything is like secondary compared to us'.

 

Now, alone, it's not that easy and sometimes I get depressed Well, I hope I'll find another girl who gives me this sensation. I need it...

[Ruby Slippers]

I relate to this, too. Once the dust has settled, you realize it's just you... and your issues... again. Damn!

 

I've experienced a tectonic shift in my thinking lately. I always KNEW that the good energy in your life has to emanate from within you, and for the most part, you create your own reality with that energy.

 

But it hasn't been till recently that I've really GOTTEN this.

 

It's smart to surround yourself with people who ignite your good energy. But the energy isn't theirs to give. It comes from within.

[betterdeal]

Find things that make you happy and do them.

And try not to think too much. It makes us sad.

[BarbecueMan666]

I relate to this so much. Bear with me while I ramble

 

 

It's a little different in my case, I never managed to start a relationship with the girl (she turned me down in the end) but she completely changed my life philosophy. I met her around late October at a Students Union, she actually came on to me first. Flirtatious and really sort of all over me in this playful way. I didn't know what to do really, I wasn't drinking and had to be coerced into going out (one of those nights). Spent most of the night on my phone and laboriously joining in to Gangnam Style.

 

 

She just looked me in the eyes and said "You look lost". I don't know but it's like something hit me in the chest. I was so depressed and really "lost" around that time. Most of my friends had gone to university a year prior (I was visiting one with some other friends) and I didn't know what I wanted to do. I elected to stay at home and get a menial job til I figured it out, but I hated the job and started to question what I was doing. I was just working, going out drinking (some drugs too) and playing StarCraft and Skyrim. I wasn't growing as a person while nearly everyone else I knew had made the jump.

 

 

Since I met her, I've applied to university (and got in), I'm learning to drive again, I'm working out every day (swimming, I nearly died from an asthma attack so that was also an incentive I guess) I'm going to China for a month in August, I'm going Skiing, I'm going to France and New York. I'm trying to start playing a hand and really live again rather than fold out of fear.

 

 

She's an exchange student from Russia and she works incredibly hard. She's fun but she's also got this really reserved side. When most people are quiet it's because they're either too scared to speak or they have nothing to say, but she can sit there quietly listening to me and say one sentence and it'll just be so profoundly on the mark. She doesn't waste words. And English isn't even her first language, and she's always worried that she's messing it up, I love that too. She's independant, adventurous and we share a lot of interests. She's amazing.

 

 

Anyyyway, to my point haha. I think two things make it difficult to for me to forget about her (I plan to sever the link this weekend as we've become good friends, but it's too painful for me (there was drunken fooling around not long ago and now things are fresh again for me)).

 

 

1. The impact she's had on my life

2. The investment I put into the relationship

 

 

And I think both of those apply to you. She's obviously had a big impact on your life if she managed to bring you out of a depression phase. But what you've got to realise (and me too) is she was just a catalyst. The real change and emotion and everything that transpired was all you, and you don't need the catalyst anymore. You've learnt a lot from the experience and you have to take that away and carry on. Try and embrace and focus on all the positives. Let the emotion happen, that's just chemicals in your brain, but never let it hinder what you're actually DOING with your life and believe me I know how hard it can be, but don't focus on the negative thoughts.

 

 

I was bullied quite a lot through early school life and have always been teased harshly, if playfully, by my friends. The rejection wasn't just a disappointment, it was an affirmation of every negative thing that I've ever thought about myself. But you have to set that aside and really just focus on improving yourself, which I think you're trying to do from your other threads. I was depressed before, slightly depressed during our dating phase because I just felt she was too good to be true, and very depressed now. But one thing has changed - I've learned, grown and developed so much. And that was from taking a chance and trying, rather than my couple of years of passivity out of fear.

 

 

Secondly you obviously invested a lot into her. If you think about it a large part of attraction is investment, whether this be mental and in your head or the physical acts of investment, whether financial or just with your time. Every time I went to see this girl I had to spend £30 and sometimes a four hour train journey. I didn't care at the time but looking back I put so much into trying to get something to work with her. We'd talk all the time, but I think I'd initiate more conversations than she did. I think about her a lot, but that's investment in itself.

 

 

You've obviously invested a lot more than that being it was a full mutual reationship. Think about it. If you had two identical cars, one which you had saved your whole life for, and one which was identical, but wasn't the one you first saw in the shop, you're way more inclined to get the one you invested in. The time and energy and money you poured into something you believed in that turned out to be futile.

 

 

But it wasn't! Because whether you feel it yet or not, you will have grown so much from this experience man, just let the negative emotions do their thing, not impact your actions, and focus on what you learned

 

1. - Lol you played starcraft?

 

I am trying to better myself from the experience, and will definitely do so, a lot of what everyone has written in this thread is true. Happiness should come from within, rather than just be absorbed from around.

 

I'm a good looking guy with a pretty successful career, I make decent money and am good with it, I'm very pleasant but what the girlfriend gave me was confirmation of all those things. I didn't really believe in them before hence, she acted like a welding device that linked me together almost.

Shallow maybe, I've encountered pretty women in the past, and I've always deemed myself as not good enough for them, or thought along the lines "why on Earth would they want me?"

 

My talk again consisted today of trying to find out why I lack self esteem so massively. With her, as I said it felt like confirmation, and I guess I thought I was in her debt so to speak, because of her beauty and kindness she showed towards me as if I was undeserving. Everyone who knows me would assume I'm an extremely confident guy without a worry in the world, but I'm the exact opposite, and I'm not totally sure how to go about crumbling it. One thing I do know is that losing the girlfriend, definitely opened me up to something bigger and more important which is a problem with myself that I have to figure out.

[BarbecueMan666]

It's really a huge ego/self esteem thing for me, this attractive woman with talent liked me, and I thought someone of any sort of beauty incapable of doing so, Not sure how to get that self esteem back, but I'm glad I'm realizing the problem.

[mcdo]

Ya I've got this problem too. September 2009 until April 2010 was the most depressing period of my life (well... right now is giving it a good run for its money). I just constantly felt so alone. And I really wasn't able to do anything about it.

 

It ended the night I met my ex. My life absolutely turned on its head and I had the happiest 2.5 years I ever had.

 

Now I'm on my own again and trying my damned hardest not to be the person I was in 2009/2010. People say I can go back to who I was before I met my ex - but that guy sucked!

 

I guess the difference is I am able to do something about it now. There's nothing holding me here now and I can uproot and leave as soon as I like really.

[Granin]

1. - Lol you played starcraft?

 

I am trying to better myself from the experience, and will definitely do so, a lot of what everyone has written in this thread is true. Happiness should come from within, rather than just be absorbed from around.

 

I'm a good looking guy with a pretty successful career, I make decent money and am good with it, I'm very pleasant but what the girlfriend gave me was confirmation of all those things. I didn't really believe in them before hence, she acted like a welding device that linked me together almost.

Shallow maybe, I've encountered pretty women in the past, and I've always deemed myself as not good enough for them, or thought along the lines "why on Earth would they want me?"

 

My talk again consisted today of trying to find out why I lack self esteem so massively. With her, as I said it felt like confirmation, and I guess I thought I was in her debt so to speak, because of her beauty and kindness she showed towards me as if I was undeserving. Everyone who knows me would assume I'm an extremely confident guy without a worry in the world, but I'm the exact opposite, and I'm not totally sure how to go about crumbling it. One thing I do know is that losing the girlfriend, definitely opened me up to something bigger and more important which is a problem with myself that I have to figure out.

 

 

Haha I've always played video games a lot, I don't play StarCraft much or any game anymore though. Lately I've realised that while at times, video games have helped me through some ****ty times and actually educated me a lot, in recent years I've definitely used them (along with light substance abuse and sleeping) as a means of avoiding problems with myself and my life. I'm cutting down a lot now, I'm not even finding it hard, I've kind of lost interest. I used to be ok though, it was fun I get too competetive though which is a downside when you're naff. Anyway rambling

 

 

I definitely relate to the self esteem stuff too. I think it's a problem a lot of guys have, especially with women. And it's so destructive, because it's unattractive for women to see you have little value in yourself, and so they reject you, so you devalue yourself more, and it becomes this vicious circle.

 

 

Being happy with someone should just be this mutual thing. I think a massive problem with the concept of a healthy relationship is that it's been "Hollywoodised". If that makes sense? Everything you see in romcoms or just romantic relationships in general in the media is all bull. It sells and people like to see it, but it's not what real life is like at all. But the fictional notion is something that easily supplements this damaging psychological state you can get into when you become really infatuated with a woman.

 

 

A woman shouldn't complete you, or make you happy, she should add to what's already there, and make you happier. When you have some damaged part of yourself, it can easily become this situation where she begins filling in parts of yourself you need to build yourself. But if you make the best of the situation when she leaves those holes blank again, it can make you realise that those parts need filling, and you start to really understand who you are and what you need to do in life. That's how you learn I think.

 

 

I do like to think there's such a thing as absolute true love though, but I think you need to be a complete person, or become a complete person as a product of being with someone, not because you need eachother, but because you love eachother.

 

 

You've got to be happy by yourself before you can be healthily happy with someone.

 

 

 

It sounds pretty zen, but I think being happy is all about learning to trick your brain into not being sad.

[adelia]

Just my thoughts and i could be wrong but it sounds like she masked a problem(the depression) before you met and you lost yourself in her. Like you lost sight of who you were aside from her? And the undealt depression. I'm only saying this because I've had similar situations.

You'll get through this but first you have to find out who you are again apart from anyone else. Good luck

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I don't think your ex cured you of your issues. I think she just made you push them under the rug for a while. So take this time to work on you and actually fix the issues instead of hoping that you'll meet another person so you can sweep them under the rug.

 

I'm sure you are a nice person, but I think you might have been so reluctant to deal with your own issues that you were willing to do anything for your ex to keep her around, to the point where she was leeching off of you for thousands of dollars. Your partner shouldn't be seen as a mask to your problems or the solution of them, they should be the positive result of you taking care of what you need to take care of.

[BarbecueMan666]

Yeah she certainly was a mask for my problems. It made me happy, but it wasn't specifically her making me happy. Could have been anyone to fit the role I suppose who I deemed attractive enough by others. Really weird that I found out I'm that insecure :S, That's not saying I do not miss her as I do, but wow, kind of weird what you find out about yourself during tough times.

[Granin]

You only ever find out the truth about yourself in the tough times, they peel everything irrelevent and leave you naked as a person

[magnoliasoutherly]

Barbecue and Granin... what the f**k were your women thinking?!

 

You two are just amazing and very astute. A trait any woman would be happy to have. I also don't think either of you need advice because you're both very stable and rational.

 

Hurt? Yes. Needing help? Not really. You both know what you need to do and how to fix it.

 

Congrats on that!

[Granin]

Barbecue and Granin... what the f**k were your women thinking?!

 

You two are just amazing and very astute. A trait any woman would be happy to have. I also don't think either of you need advice because you're both very stable and rational.

 

Hurt? Yes. Needing help? Not really. You both know what you need to do and how to fix it.

 

Congrats on that!

 

 

Haha thanks, that does cheer me up a bit

 

 

It's always good to just be able to just pour out what you're feeling and what you think somewhere and just get people's thoughts. It's a lonely place to be when you've been hurt, and often it can be awkward talking to people you know because they know the other person, or they won't be comfortable hearing your problems. Especially with guys, it's kind of ingrained in us not to talk about problems like this to eachother, a lot of my friends will just come out with

 

 

"B****es be crazy"

 

 

Which doesn't really mean anything

 

 

Or they could interfere, which is a lot worse

[BarbecueMan666]

Barbecue and Granin... what the f**k were your women thinking?!

 

You two are just amazing and very astute. A trait any woman would be happy to have. I also don't think either of you need advice because you're both very stable and rational.

 

Hurt? Yes. Needing help? Not really. You both know what you need to do and how to fix it.

 

Congrats on that!

 

Wow, thank you

 

I know this is just an anonymous forum but, that was lovely ^^.

 

My ex, I'm not sure what she was thinking to be honest - I've kind of narrowed it down to she really wants to be famous, be it through youtube on her own account, picked up by some director or something and I guess being single makes her much more attractive to the masses, and possibly the few that can get her places she wants to be.

It's obviously tough to get my head around, and to be honest, I thought those kind of women only existed in movies, (obviously guys can be it too but for now!! Talking about her .) -

[Granin]

Wow, thank you

 

I know this is just an anonymous forum but, that was lovely ^^.

 

My ex, I'm not sure what she was thinking to be honest - I've kind of narrowed it down to she really wants to be famous, be it through youtube on her own account, picked up by some director or something and I guess being single makes her much more attractive to the masses, and possibly the few that can get her places she wants to be.

It's obviously tough to get my head around, and to be honest, I thought those kind of women only existed in movies, (obviously guys can be it too but for now!! Talking about her .) -

 

 

I think that's the main fault with your ex and something to me (and I know I don't know her, or you, but from what you've posted this is what I've garnered) that seems such a bad quality in a person to the point where it can eclipse anything good - this obsession with fame. It's nauseatingly vain to me. I don't want to slag her off or anything, but the way you've described her, I can't imagine what's good about her at all.

 

 

To think the biggest mistake you've made was passing up a chance at "YouTube fame" to me screeeeaaaams a deep problem with vanity. She sounds like someone who wants to be famous and popular, and that just means she has absolutely no character, or at least very little. If she wanted to be a Doctor, or a Writer, or a Teacher, or just had a passion that had more to it than getting attention, then it would add so much more to her personality. The whole pageant thing too, I don't get that either. What are those things even for other than just getting attention and recognition for basically being good at getting attention? I'm kind of naive to them, they're not really a thing in the UK, but to me they just seem absolutely ridiculous.

 

 

She seems materialistic, selfish, vain, conceited, temperamental, juvenile and in general just seems to have a big lack of character. Obsessed with her own image and seeks people who could supplement that to her own advantage. I'm sure she's not this COMPLETELY evil thing I'm interpretting her to be, no one is purely rotten, but man, not only was she not perfect (which is the hard realisation to get to grips with after you take off them love goggles) but she wasn't even a good person.

 

 

It's a cliche, but I say this sincerely, you can do a million times better. Everything you need to work on doesn't detract from you being a good person at your core, and will just take time, natural development and mistakes made through living life. You're a decent, normal, healthy man with the right mindset to turn a negative situation into something productive, even if it does suck. You're generous and caring and have an open heart, even when it would be better not to. She has some deep issues that she may never come to solve or get past and I hate to think how hard she's going to find getting old, or reaching 40 and not getting the fame she's so obsessed with. I pity her, and I admire you.

 

 

You'll appreciate someone with actual character a million times more now. Cherish that.