mobman33 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I found out Friday that my wife has been talking to another man. I would never in a million years believe this could happen. If it did not come straight from her mouth I would not believe it. My wife is strong morally and we always told ourselves that we had that (trust/respect). Do we have problems yes! But nothing that would suggest something like this would happen. She swears nothing physically has happened and said they have just been talking. I respect the fact that she told me and hopefully told me before it became physical. The problem I am encountering now is that she still has feelings at least on some level for this man. I have taken the last few days and left town to gather my thoughts, and remove myself from the vicinity of this man. I want it to work I think, but am so lost and do not feel whole at this point. In my head a spur of the moment physical encounter would be easier to swallow. At least a mistake could have been made. This seems premeditated and she has feelings for this guy. She tells me she will let it go to save the marriage, but that reference always follows for the kids sake. I feel that if two people (husband/wife) are not in love that the children will ultimately be effected through proxy. I have told myself to give this time, but it is eating me inside. At times I am cool and collective ready to move on and better myself for my children. Other times I feel as if I do not have stomach, and wanting to work things out despite the possible feelings still for this man. I am confused and hurt right now! Has anyone encountered an issue similar to this that may have advice? The fact remains she still has feeling for this mans no matter how small. How could I possibly proceed to make things work with that doubt and trust factor removed from the equation.
Yasuandio Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 This is a really delicate situation. One I do not feel comfortable advising on. However, I want to tell you that I admire how cool, calm and collected you seem to be. And I want to emphasize how important it is for you to remain very even in your terprement. Don't show your cards of detress and emotion - continue to be cool - even if you need to leave. Until you hear from some other posters, please research the 180's - you can find them on the Divorce Buster's site, and many posters here discuss them. I am not tech savy enough to make a link. But they are basically some rules to stand by, like no begging, pleading, crying, reasoning, calling, emailin, no I Love You's, etc. There are reasons not to do these things that feel natural to so - cause you are afraid of losing someone you love. And by acting out on impulse - you diminish yourself in their eyes - so stay cool like you have been. Do not initiate conversation on this topic with her. Just listen to what she says. Await others responses to you. Yas 1
worldgonewrong Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 She's either IN the marriage or she's NOT. Period. My wife is strong morally Not if she's making time (even non-physical) with another man. I respect the fact that she told me You're speaking like a man in shock, and I understand that. But don't 'respect' that. She's disrespecting your marriage, your covenant. You have to take note, and quickly, whether she's 'in' or 'out' on this marriage. Don't let her grind you into the dirt with mixed feelings and heavy sighs and "well, I'll let him go, I guess, even though I have these feelings". Don't accept any prima donna nonsense from her. She swears nothing physically has happened [...] and hopefully told me before it became physical. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but something like 90% of the guys on here all harbor the hope that nothing physical happened, and then - whammo! - they discover that it did. Be prepared for the worst, is all I'm saying. 2
Darren Steez Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Maybe nothing physical has happened, but it's pretty bad news if she's admitting it to your face. Probably means on some level she's making her exit strategies, pieces of her have already left this marriage. To me it seems like a dare. There I told you I fancy another man, what are you going to do about it? Do you fight, feed her ego or do you let her walk straight into the arms of OM? Shouldn't she be fighting for you? 1
FrannyForty Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 mobmann - I just found out about my husband's 2nd emotional affair as well. He is confused and doesn't want to hurt the kids, and blah blah blah. I am coming slowly to the realization that he wants me to be the one to say it's over. Almost like if he makes the decision to divorce it will be on him, but if I say it and do it then it can aleviate some of his guilt. I hope that made a little sense. My H has had an emotional affair in the past and he left for a while but returned willing to go to counseling and work on things. Basically this was for the kids, but I was ok with that at that point. We did work on things and they were good for several years. The bottom line is he is going to continue to have these affairs until I cut the string and let him go. It is painful as hell and there are times that I basically wished he were actually having a physical affair because it seems that the decision would be easier. I would make the decision but clearly to the rest of the world he would be the one at fault. Emotional affairs tend to seem less like affairs. But they are. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. My counselor told me to be certain of my decision and not to have any second thoughts because this process will drag out beyond belief if you allow that to happen. If you want it to work then counseling is a MUST, but the hardest thing you will overcome is the trust. You will always be wondering who she is talking to and what they are talking about. Its natural! I also encourage you to take a look at what's missing in your marriage that may have lead to her seeking that desire elsewhere. Are you attentive enough? Is your relationship boring? Are you good at communicating with her? There is always the fact that she has her own set of baggage to deal with (as is my case) and no matter what you do it won't fix the marriage until she deals with her personal issues. Good Luck
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 How could I possibly proceed to make things work with that doubt and trust factor removed from the equation. The only way trust is rebuilt is through transparency. Which means she'd have to let you see any and all communication with him and go NC with him going forward. Is she willing to do this? How and when did she tell you? And have you asked her why she came forward st this time? Mr. Lucky
notbroken Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 She either wants to stay married or she does not. Tell her that. If she wants you, she has to tell the other guy to never speak to her again and go completely no contact. She must live up to her committment to you and your family. Also, she must disclose to you 100% everything that was said and any physical meetings. Anything less is 'trickle truthing' you and will doom the relationship in my opinion (been there / done that). If not you are only delaying the inevitable.
2sure Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I strongly believe marriages can successfully reconcile after infidelity when both spouses really want it to work. If my spouse were to come to me and say, cheating or not, that they would stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids... I would treat it as though they had a full on affair . I would show them that we old divorce and still be good parents, in fact I would insist on a seperation. Go if you want to, but don't make me your ball and chain. Tell her you are undecided and ask her what she is willing to do for you and the marriage to convince you to stay.
Author mobman33 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 I would first like to Thank everyone for taking the time out of their day to view and respond to this post. The feedback has been very useful! This week has without a doubt been the hardest thing I have gone through. The love of my life and the person I have been with for 12yrs has broken my heart. She wants to work things out and says she will move on and end all ties to this man. Yet, I have had to pressure and push too hard to get details as to what happened, etc. The relationship was and possibly still is worse than originally told. She has met this guy several times 5-6 times at a park to talk,etc in the last 12 days. One of which was after our daughters bday party(Crazy right!). I know kissing was involved but told nothing else happened (yeah right). I told her today that I cannot fight for something that is not there anymore. She wants to work it out... I do not want to at this point. I am isolating myself at this point and do not want to talk to her. She keeps calling and texting me... I have come to terms with myself and really did want it to work but that is not going to happen. The trust is gone its hard to believe that it will end. I am looking into how to file papers. This is hard we have 3 children the youngest 14mo . I am focusing on the kids right now and using them as motivation to get through this. I am 33 so I guess it is not to late, but that really is the last thing on my mind at this point. Again thx for the support/comments they meant a lot and in a weird way helped me overcome this up to this point.
Darren Steez Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Trickle truth. You had to fight to get details, I still don't believe you have all the details yet. They met 5-6 times in 12 days?! They only "kissed"? You know when they only kiss means they probably had sex. She knows thats a dealbreaker for you hence she's not so forthcoming with the truth. If you can schedule a polygraph then do it. See what her reaction is, resistance probably means she knows she's about to get busted
Mr. Lucky Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 They met 5-6 times in 12 days?! They only "kissed"? You know when they only kiss means they probably had sex. She knows thats a dealbreaker for you hence she's not so forthcoming with the truth. Unfortunately, this seems to be a nearly universal truth as affairs - including my exW's - are disclosed. Your spouse, who really does care about you and your feelings, thinks in some misguided way that they're protecting you (and themselves) by not coming clean as to the physical details. Were she and her affair partner in 8th grade, you might think they met 6 times and only kissed. But adults in "love" have sex. At some point, you'll have to deal with that. I didn't divorce my exW because she cheated on me as hard as that was to accept. I divorced her because she wouldn't be honest with me about the infidelity. From that point on, no trust and without trust, no marriage... Mr. Lucky
2.50 a gallon Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I totally understand your heatbreak. D-Day and the days that followed were horrible, but not even close to as being as bad when she came back and with crockodile tears truly wanted to reconcile and make our marriage work. At that point the trust was gone, we could never have what we had had before, and I had to bite my lip in determination to walk away. Knowing that the pain of my emptiness could be instantly filled with me just saying "We can make another try at it", doubled the original pain. Please keep posting with updates, and if you feel the need rant and rave away. That is what we are here for
TailSpin75 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Mobb - I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I have had a similar experience you can read my story (the 'How to Let go?' post). Key word being similar. Each situation is different and I wholeheartedly agree with Yaz - yours is a very delicate situation. I can tell you from my experience - that time apart (minimal if not completely no contact) does help to gain perspective. I remained too close for too long and it damn near killed me. I could only appreciate the benefit of time and space once I removed myself from the situation. This experience has been a collection of 'the hardest things I've ever had to do'. One of them was not reaching out to her or responding to her initiations. Sometimes we have to do what we think it best regardless of the input we receive. Looking back at how things unfolded in the first couple of months - I would probably have played my hand differently. At the same, I'm in a position now (struggling and recovering) where I know I did all I could to pursue the outcome that I thought was best. Had I not done or said the things I did at the time, I'd probably be struggling and recovering while wondering what if. This is a great forum Mobb - I do hope the best for you mate.
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