Should I wait around for my long distance boyfriend or move on?

[SalientPoint]

My bf and I have been together for about a year now and even though it's long distance (he lives in Europe) his job as a freelancer allowed him to come here for 4 months, during which time we lived together and things seemed to go really well. When he first came, we had BOTH agreed that before he left we'd come up with some kind of plan regarding whether we wanted to stay together and how we'd make it happen. Well, before he left I brought up the plan idea a few times, and he kept not wanting to discuss it or come up with one, so finally I let it go. He went back to Europe and after he'd been back for a bit, I asked if we had any future and if so how we'd make it happen. He said he wanted to stay together but he didn't want to move to the U.S. so I offered to move to where he was (he had suggested it several times in the past) even though I'd have way more to lose since I'd have to quit my job, give up my apartment, and I don't speak the language. At first he seemed into the plan, but every time I try and discuss it, while he does seem like he really wants to be with me, I know he probably isn't ready for the comitment, and it reflects in his attitude and reluctance. The problem is things at my job are in total flux right now, and rumor has it I may get laid off, so if I'm going to stay in the U.S. I need to find a new job asap, or at least start looking now. But he's told me if I have to stay here then it's over because he doesn't want to move here. So basically I'm feeling like I either need to accept that it's over because he's not ready for comitment and start looking for new jobs here, or I could wait awhile, hope I don't lose my job, and see if he changes his mind? I told him if he needs time on his own to think about it, that's totally ok, but it's pretty obvious he's trying to stay close to me without having to make any sort of decision/sacrifice. Should I wait around more? I was going to give him a week, but at this point I'm just really confused.

 

I'm totally NOT one of those pushy commitment type girls, which is why this is so ironic, but the job situation is what is putting a timeline on the whole thing. There's a ton of layoff's going on in my department right now, and we've pretty much been told that we either need to transition to a new department or look for another job. I HATE the department that I would be re-sent to, so I'd prefer to look for another job, but I told bf that if he was serious about the moving thing I would stick it out in the hated department for a couple of months so I could save up and then move, but if I need to start searching for a new job it's something that needs to happen now. I know that it puts unfair pressure on him, but it's still something that can't be helped since he said he doesn't want to move here and I can't control my current job situation.

Edited February 25, 2013 by SalientPoint

[CherryT]

My bf and I have been together for about a year now and even though it's long distance (he lives in Europe) his job as a freelancer allowed him to come here for 4 months, during which time we lived together and things seemed to go really well. When he first came, we had BOTH agreed that before he left we'd come up with some kind of plan regarding whether we wanted to stay together and how we'd make it happen. Well, before he left I brought up the plan idea a few times, and he kept not wanting to discuss it or come up with one, so finally I let it go. He went back to Europe and after he'd been back for a bit, I asked if we had any future and if so how we'd make it happen. He said he wanted to stay together but he didn't want to move to the U.S. so I offered to move to where he was (he had suggested it several times in the past) even though I'd have way more to lose since I'd have to quit my job, give up my apartment, and I don't speak the language. At first he seemed into the plan, but every time I try and discuss it, while he does seem like he really wants to be with me, I know he probably isn't ready for the comitment, and it reflects in his attitude and reluctance. The problem is things at my job are in total flux right now, and rumor has it I may get laid off, so if I'm going to stay in the U.S. I need to find a new job asap, or at least start looking now. But he's told me if I have to stay here then it's over because he doesn't want to move here. So basically I'm feeling like I either need to accept that it's over because he's not ready for comitment and start looking for new jobs here, or I could wait awhile, hope I don't lose my job, and see if he changes his mind? I told him if he needs time on his own to think about it, that's totally ok, but it's pretty obvious he's trying to stay close to me without having to make any sort of decision/sacrifice. Should I wait around more? I was going to give him a week, but at this point I'm just really confused.

 

I'm totally NOT one of those pushy commitment type girls, which is why this is so ironic, but the job situation is what is putting a timeline on the whole thing. There's a ton of layoff's going on in my department right now, and we've pretty much been told that we either need to transition to a new department or look for another job. I HATE the department that I would be re-sent to, so I'd prefer to look for another job, but I told bf that if he was serious about the moving thing I would stick it out in the hated department for a couple of months so I could save up and then move, but if I need to start searching for a new job it's something that needs to happen now. I know that it puts unfair pressure on him, but it's still something that can't be helped since he said he doesn't want to move here and I can't control my current job situation.

 

If you're willing to make this kind of sacrifice and move from the US to Europe to be with him, at the very least he should be able to communicate about it. For him to say "if you stay in the US, it's over" but not help you build a plan is unacceptable to me. It's not unfair for you to put that "pressure" on him if you're both in it together... it's unfair for him to put that on you and say "if you stay in the US, we're over." and then not help you build a plan. I hope that you two are talking serious commitment before you move/give up your life to be with him. Because it doesn't sound like he is sacrificing much... what if you decide to wait it out, get laid off, and move all the way over there and he decides it's not for him? That's not fair to you.

 

My BF and I are planning to close the gap too. But he is very upfront with me and I am with him that timeline wise we are not ready. He knows that with certain visa's that I may not be able to work so he wants to save up a little more and I do too, just in case. We created a 1-1.5 year plan and that's because we just need the time to build a safety net. If he is nervous about having to support you while your visa goes through etc, he needs to be up front with that. But if he's just wanting you to move there so you can be closer, but doesn't feel partially responsible, then it's a huge red flag.

[Yamaha]

I think he's using your job situation to end your relationship. He doesn't want to move here and, if you pushed him, I bet he doesn't really want you to move there. It doesn't look promising and I would just let it die. If he's really interested he will/would do wantever it takes to keep you together and I don't see that happening.