Don't know if I should break up with girlfriend

[can't figure it out]

I've been seeing my girlfriend for a few months now but have serious doubts about the long term potential of the relationship. But at the same time I'm very much in love with her and feel that if I break up with her, I could really regret it.

 

The pettiest of my issues is that I'm 30 and she's 23 but she looks much younger. She could make herself look older but she dresses like a teenage girl and baggy clothes and not only do I find it unattractive, it makes me very self conscious as it looks like I'm out in public with a 14 or 15 year old. This is fact and she is Asian too so it's really hard to tell. I've seen people giving me extremely judgemental looks and it's very unnerving. Also I'm embarassed to go out with friends as she will always be the most underdressed person on a night out. Is it completely unacceptable to ask her change her style and dress more ladylike?

 

Secondly we are from opposite sides of the world,and really quite different people. I feel like long term I'll have to really work very hard and expose myself to real heartache and even then the odds are going to be massively against us.

 

Finally, and this is the part I am most ashamed of. While I was having my doubts already, the following is definitely contributing to my dilemma. A very close friend whom I havef had feelings for for a couple of years is coming to visit me soon. She will only be here for a few days and the likelihood of anything happening is slim but if it did, I can't help feeling that it could be huge. But let's face it, I'm being a slimeball who wants to explore something else for a few days but still have my girlfriend when this other person leaves again if it doesn't work out.

 

Those are my issues. I know the first two are petty and shouldnt matter and the last one is despicable and I should be shot for. But I do love my girlfriend and care about her immensely. If I broke up with her I'd be devastated to lose her from my life. Also she loves me so much and I know it will really really hurt her. I don't know what to do. Am I to throw away a beautiful intelligent girl over some petty issues and a shot in the dark with the girl who I always thought might be my soulmate, breaking a pretty fragile heart in the process? Or do I commit to something that could be amazing but will ultimately probably fail and devastate me? For the record I realize that it sounds arrogant the way I said a fragile heart but it is a delicate situation as she is a long way from home, stuck working for a tyrant who makes her life hell, and really only has me in her life. This is partly why I think she doesn't see our compatability issues and is possibly so needy that she may be pushing me away. I know I should be thinking about myself but I kind of feel like I owe it to her to try harder to make it work. And it's not like it couldn't be good either because she is great.

 

For the hundred and one reasons I love this girl, I just don't know if I should cut and run or stay and commit and try to make it work??

Edited February 25, 2013 by can't figure it out

[Princess.Peach.]

I think you sort of answered your own question. If you are having thoughts about even attempting or giving in to being unfaithfull or "being a slimeball" as you said then maybe you don't really love her as much as you think. Maybe the fact that she embarasses you and that she is so different from you has changed how you once felt about her. And yes, you will both be sad for a while, but think about how you're both going to feel if something does happen with that friend of yours while she's down and she finds out?

 

But if you do stay together:

 

No you can't really ask her to dress differently without hurting her feelings, but if you want to try why dont you buy her a nice dress (that suits the evening) and ask her to wear it for you. Then its a gift and maybe she will like it and want to dress like that more often.

[Chi townD]

REALLY!?!? You're considering dumping your girlfriend for a person that's coming in town that isn't a sure thing? Yep! That's kind of a slimeball thing to do. You called it. And it shouldn't come as a shocker that your girlfriend dresses the way that she does, what exactlly was she wearing when you met her?

 

Have you even talked to her about this? Maybe she'd be open to dressing more conservatively if you asked her.

[veggirl]

Only a few months in and you are finding yourself unattracted to her...what drew you to her in the first place then? I assume she has dressed/looked the same all throughout these few months so what did you think at first? I think if you are questioning things just a few months in, you should leave.

[MushyPeas]

You don't want to hurt her, but wouldn't it be more painful to her if in a few months time it all blows up and you confess how you feel about the way she dresses or this other woman?

 

Which is a huge sign you're not meant to be together, you haven't so far done anything with this woman to feel gulity of? But seriously, there's clearly a doubt in your mind or you wouldn't be thinking of doing anything with this other woman. I think if it comes down to it, you could end up using the other problems as an excuse to justify you cheating on her.

 

Decide what you want, which is quite clear already, and if you're going to leave then do it with as little hurt as possible because what i get from this is that your girlfriend doesn't deserve to be hurt for something she is unaware of....not that anyone deserves to be hurt but y'know.

 

If you're already letting these negative thoughts affect your judgement of the relationship so much, what will it take for this girl who has no idea how you are feeling, to do to make you feel relaxed and content?

[Dark Phoenix]

You could date them both and see which one you like, want to be with, more

[stevie_23]

Ok…with regard to her appearance, if people think you’re walking around with a 14-15 year old, so be it. Who cares. If you find her appearance ok for YOU then nobody else’s opinion matters. My partner gets mistaken for my mother at times because I’m 34 and she’s 51, and this can be annoying, but we don’t care because WE know the truth. So if someone mistakes your girlfriend for a teenager, oh well. Too bad for them, eh? You know the truth.

 

I would steer away from asking her to change her appearance. If she’s happy with it, that’s her choice and it’s part of her. If you don’t like it? Well…it’s not really up to you. If it makes you uncomfortable in public? Then this is your responsibility to change YOUR attitudes and self consciousness.

 

With regard to being from opposite sides of the world, this doesn’t have to mean anything. My ex and I were from opposite sides of the world too (America & Australia), but very similar and this wasn’t the reason things didn’t work out. But I know what you mean about being very different to each other and having to try extra hard and expose yourself to potential heartbreak.

 

So…look, you can fall for a wide range of people in this world. Some of them will be easier to be with long term, some will be harder. On a purely objective and cognitive basis, you’d be wise to let her go and find someone who is easier and who you also then fall in love with. But the fact you’ve already fallen for this girl complicates things because strong emotions are now involved and now you’re doubting the potential of this relationship long term and you’re foreseeing some difficulties and heartbreak early on, and you may be right. It may NOT last. I guess you have to ask…is it worth the pain later to experience the joys in the meantime. Or would it be better to end it now, still be heartbroken because you’re already in love with her, and find someone else eventually who is “easier”. (and that’s not to say you won’t be as in love with them either).

 

Ok, so. That friend you’ve had feelings for is coming to visit, and IF something happened it could be huge. So…you are OPEN to something happening? You say the possibility is slim, but if it happened (if she wanted it to), would you let her? I get the impression this possibility excites you, but also makes you feel stressed because of your existing relationship. If something did happen with this friend, would you feel more inclined to end things with your girlfriend? Because you’d KNOW you wanted to be with this other friend? So it’d be easier to end it? Do you think that the fact you have any sort of feelings for this friend might show you that maybe you SHOULD end things with your girlfriend?

 

PS. Why do so many posters in this thread have food-related names!? Princess PEACH, VEGgirl, Mushy PEAS? What's going on here? I'm hungry now. lol

[can't figure it out]

First I want to say that I would never cheat on her. I've been cheated on before and then cheated back for revenge. Let's just say it didn't make me feel better and the lesson was learnt a long time ago. My choice is either break up now and maybe do something when my friend comes to visit but ultimately end up back at the drawing board after my friend leaves. Or else I stay and give my girlfriend a proper chance and when my friend comes to visit we'll just have a good time and nothing will happen. My friend is definitely not the type who will do anything if I have a girlfriend either. She has way too much class for that.

 

Honestly it's an incredibly tough call. I'm in love with my girlfriend and am terrified of losing her but still have these doubts that are hard to shake off. Even though after a very sleepless night last night I am kind of leaning towards staying and trying harder.

 

However this girl who is coming is undeniably something special. For years our friends have predicted we might end up together. We are extremely compatible, we both love wine, cooking, travel, we have the same friends, we've even lived together and gotten on amazingly well. Also she is beautiful, intelligent, independant, successful, cultured and extremely well travelled (My girlfriend hates drinking and hates me drinking, also she is stick thin and eats basically nothing). But until about 2 years ago she was one of my best friends and really I considered her more like a sister. But since I moved away we have grown much closer albeit from a distance and I think she may have feelings for me and the fact that she is coming all the way here to see me could mean a lot. What's more is my mother loves her and always says it to me that I need to marry this girl.

 

So there is a convincing argument there. However what's not going to change is that for thw forseeable future we are both committed to living on opposite sides of the world. So if something does happen we still both go back to our regular lives and wait for each other?? At our age that is big ask. Then here I have a beautiful intelligent girl who I care about and love so much. How can I throw that away? Shouldn't I be happy with the girl who is here, and loves me? Is it not a better decision to commit to her and get over my petty complaints and accept that I do love her and probably can be happy with her if I stay and work at it as oppised to cutting and running?

Edited February 26, 2013 by can't figure it out