Friend's husband hitting on me?

[Leigh 87]

100% agreed. That's a very kind and firm way to address his issue of disrespecting both his wife and you. He needs to know that what he is doing is 100% unacceptable.

 

 

 

Exactly. I have been in this position many times, and have taken a while to learn that you have to set boundaries, otherwise some guys are such bone heads that they do not GET it!

 

I only had myself to blame, because I never directly told guys " I am not interested in anything sexual, it is inappropriate"

 

I know it is hard to be blunt and direct, it does not come naturally utter such formal phrases as: stop doing this, it is inappropriate.

 

Especially if your very easy going like me, and never really get offended easily yourself... I find it hard to be stern with people and to tell them to back off!

[Leigh 87]

That is weird, that they invited you to Florida with them.

 

I am guessing that they want two try to have some sort of threesome with you?

 

His question regarding your sexuality, followed by their vacation invite, all sounds very suspect in my opinion...

 

Put it this way: if you had a boyfriend, I doubt they would have asked you.

[Seductive]

 

I only had myself to blame, because I never directly told guys " I am not interested in anything sexual, it is inappropriate"

 

 

I have said that to people before, and they just lash out at me. I even had an ex-boyfriend leave me threatening voicemails when I told him "Don't contact me again. This is inappropriate." His ego was bruised at me telling him "no," so he thought that getting revenge was a way to punish me for setting a boundary. People yell, they guilt, they sulk, they accuse you of being a b*tch for setting boundaries, or they try to get their way. That's why I believe that boundaries only work with reasonable people, but they don't work with people that think they can own you.

 

Her husband was the one that invited me to Florida and not her. It's frustrating how she doesn't see that he's outright hitting on me. When I told her my concerns of him being all over me, she said "he doesn't find you attractive either. He just likes to push people's buttons. He won't cheat on me again."

 

He cheated on her when they first got married, and given his behavior..I know he will do it again. He's probably hoping that I will be his sidegirl. How can you hit on your own wife's friend? If you're going to cheat, be smart about it and hit on someone that won't affect your wife's natural supports. The poor thing doesn't have many friends anyway.

Edited March 2, 2013 by Seductive

[tbf]

Y'all are taking this way too seriously. Asserting boundaries shouldn't cause dramatic responses if handled in a reasonable way. The more emotional you are when asserting boundaries, the greater the backlash.

 

One way to limit backlash is to use humour.

[Seductive]

Y'all are taking this way too seriously. Asserting boundaries shouldn't cause dramatic responses if handled in a reasonable way. The more emotional you are when asserting boundaries, the greater the backlash.

 

One way to limit backlash is to use humour.

 

 

Thank you. I agree wholheartedly that people get off on seeing you upset or angry. I'm not the only one that this man has intruded on. He has pissed off another friend of his wife, and he cheated my friend after only being married for 6 months. Geez. My friend complains that he does flirt with other women and forgets that she exists. She has called him out on all of this behavior, but he doesn't stop.

[Seductive]

I took everyone's advice and had a heart-to-heart conversation with this female friend. I told her that my dating life isn't any of her husband's business, and that I am not going to accept hugs from him. I also told her that I respect our friendship, but I can't be around a man that makes me uncomfortable. I also told her that"Your husband's behavior is disrespecting your marriage and you."

 

Guess what ? She said that she doesn't agree with me and that she's not sure of continuing our friendship if I feel that way. She also said her husband "harrassing me" is a strong word, and that I'm making things more than what they really are. This is exactly why I feel like confrontation and setting boundaries can make the other person defensive and dismissive. If a friend is going to side with their sleazy husband, then what can you do?

 

As far as hanging out alone, it sounds like she wants me to come to her house and be in situations where her husband is around. If we go out, she wants her husband to come.

 

I used to feel bad for her when she would complain about her husband cheating on her, but now I can see that she is enabling his behavior.

[carhill]

TBH, she sounds whacked.

 

Time to find another female friend, IMO.

[Seductive]

TBH, she sounds whacked.

 

Time to find another female friend, IMO.

 

We're apparently supposed to talk about it further, but I have enough female friends where I'm not worried if things DO end. Everything happens for a reason.

 

It just sucks when you try to warn your friend and protect her from getting hurt again. Who wants to bet that he will cheat on her again or that her next female friend will get angry at him?

[carhill]

I've met a few MW's like this and it was like they were completely under some 'spell' from their spouses. The guy could be a total polyamory and they (the MW) seem like a programmed robot. Whatever those guys have, wow, I guess it must be pretty interesting to be them. I'll pass though.

 

Another aspect is by asserting your boundaries now and cutting contact, you preserve your health and perspective regarding her and the situation and can perhaps approach her or be approached by her in the future in a more positive circumstance and re-kindle your friendship based upon the positive aspects which built its foundation in the first place. No bridges burnt.

[lovelyde]

It sounds like he really is hitting on you and wants to bed you.

 

 

He doesn't care if it's in front of his wife, he thinks he can bed you.

 

 

His wife doesn't care because she doesn't understand the dynamics of how men think. Yes, he basically is trying to bed you.

 

 

 

-

[Chris516]

Look at your friend, get up and tell her,

 

"When your ******* of a husband learns what overstepping the line means, I may come back, but until then, I really don't have to tolerate his company a second longer.

Excuse me."

 

Grab your coat, and leave.

 

Your boundaries are for you to establish.

But once you do, you need to make them clear and unequivocal.

 

If he can't see that, he's a dick-headed jerk.

And if she can't understand it - she's a dick-headed jerk's wife.

 

And not the kind of friend I would feel comfortable with.

DITTO!!!! He is out of line!!

[CC12]

She said that she doesn't agree with me and that she's not sure of continuing our friendship if I feel that way.

 

Well, that sucks. I hope once she's had some time to think about it, she'll come around and accept it. It had to be hard for her to hear that, and I can understand her initial response. It wasn't right, but maybe she'll change her mind.

 

You did the right thing. Don't let her make you feel like you're wrong for being uncomfortable by his comments. She can tell herself that what he does isn't that bad or whatever, but she has no right telling you how to feel about it.

[Seductive]

Cc12-Thank you for understanding, but I have another female friend telling me that I shouldn't ditch this particular woman and that maybe I hurt her feelings. It's ironic how my male friends are like "This man needs to be put in check," but women themselves don't see what's wrong here? My other female friend said, "You're confronting her on how her husband is an a-hole and how he wants to sleep with you, and that's probably pissing her off. Maybe you should have lunch with her and explain things." I don't see the need to chase after someone, if they're not responding to me. My other friend also feels that I don't value the friendship. Why value a friendship that isn't based on mutual integrity and respect? I don't know about others, but I don't feel like good friends act like how this woman does. I've had friends not like my boyfriend and not want to see him, and I have respected that. There are plenty of good people in this world, and I have the choice to not limit myself to just one person and her husband. I have also only known this person for just one year. It's not like we were long-time childhood friends. My other female friend thinks I'm throwing away a lot of good things. What good things?

 

I feel like it's a no-win situation when you're assertive and when you're not assertive. You have people telling you, "You need to have better boundaries," and then you have other saying, "Maybe you were too harsh."

[Seductive]

Let's be logical here.

 

There are four opinions of people on the scene--OP, the friend, the husband, and the OP's other friend.

 

3 out of the 4--the friend, the husband, and the other friend--ALL disagree with seductive's take on the situation and that she has way overreacted to whatever is actually going on.

 

Given the chosen screen name, my guess is that the OP is probably extremely flirtatious and has an overtly sexual manner in her real, social life, and this is obvious and apparent to all around her esp. her friends. While her writing style is very moderate so that might not be apparent by her posting.

 

Most likely the husband and wife, and the other friend, perceive OP as a crazy flirt who constantly gives off a "sexual vibe" to everyone around her. But now when people respond in kind she pretends like she doesn't know where it's coming from.

 

The call out is based not just on the friend and the husband disagreeing with the OP, but the other friend as well, who isn't involved in the triangle.

 

 

 

 

So why would your other friend say these things unless she perceived it was you who was mispercieving the situation?

 

Are you one of those girls who perhaps acts like a huge flirtatious tease, evident to everyone around you, but likes to pretend otherwise?

 

Maybe what others are perceiving is that YOU are hitting on the husband? Then when he responds to it--and most likely since his own wife isn't the littlest bit concerned, he is probably just teasing you back in an unserious manner--you get all offended?

 

Please.

 

 

I can see why you might misinterpret my screen name, but my friend's husband did say "You act like you don't want to even talk to me. You hate me, don't you?" If I was flirting with the husband, why would he question my aloofness towards him? If you knew what my friends actually said about me, you would know that they tell me that I'm shy, guarded and slow to warm-up. You would also know that I showed up at my female friend's house to chat about my new job. She invited her husband to come with us, and he started the bisexuality questions out of nowhere. How is talking about your new job flirting with your friend's husband?

 

If you read the original post, I told the husband that I didn't find him attractive, and his wife echoed saying, "Sweetie, you're not her type. She just likes a different kind of guy" How is telling someone to their face that "You are not my type. I don't see my friends and their husbands in a sexual way" flirting?

 

So why would your other friend say these things unless she perceived it was you who was mispercieving the situation?

 

Maybe because this female friend is the type that's okay with dating men that cheat on her? You do realize that I have friends that do agree with me. Everyone's standards are different. If a woman thinks it's okay for a man to act a certain way, she's not going to understand another woman that won't put up with such behavior.

 

I don't appreciate wrongful assumptions based on what you don't know. In fact, I wish you all the best in whatever is disturbing you in your personal life. Something is bothering YOU where you feel the need to accuse me of being a crazy flirt. Were you personally hurt by some woman that was an outrageous flirt, and now you're projecting that onto someone else?

 

Please.

Edited April 5, 2013 by Seductive

[Seductive]

Babble, one of my friends just texted me saying that she doesn't think I was over-reacting to the husband's behavior. Her point was that maybe talking to my female friend about her husband could have been handled differently. My friend agrees that my other friend's husband is a creep. What do you have to say about that?

 

You were completely wrong in assuming that every single person was thinking that I was over-reacting to this man's behavior.

[Sparty97]

Typical guy? No. Typical douchebag? Yes. First class in fact.