Seductive Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I just need an objective opinion. My friend says he's just being a typical guy, but it's making me uncomfortable. So, my friend told her husband that I was bi. I would have preferred her not to tell, but I can't stop her from telling. The minute he found out, I was badgered with questions. "I know you like girls better than guys. You refuse men's advances. You act like you don't even want to talk to me. Do you find me attractive? Seriously, what kind of guys do you like? Would you hook up with a girl? You're really pretty. Why are you still single? You obviously like women more than men, because you barely talk about guys or go on dates with them." I told him, "When I find the right person, I will let you know. I don't have an answer for you right now." He asked me if I like women better than men seven times during that night. Am I not the only one that thinks this is a bit strange to ask in front of your wife? I especially wasn't comfortable with being asked, "Do you find me attractive? Would you date me if I wasn't married to your friend?" I didn't want to answer that question, but I had to say no. He's not my type. I also feel like he's assuming I'm a lesbian, because I'm not interested in him. My friend says he's the flirtatious type, but I told her that I'm not into being asked all of those questions. She says that he just likes to push boundaries. She says I'm the only friend of hers that he likes. He hugs me a lot, he stares at me, and he keeps saying how beautiful I am right in front of her. I also told him that I'm not a touchy feely person. What do you all think? Would any of you husbands or wives be okay with this behavior? The plan now on is to only hang alone with her.
CarrieT Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I told him, "When I find the right person, I will let you know. Here is the problem. You left him with an open-ended answer. The correct response would have been: "I am not seeing anyone right now and my personal life is non of your concern." I told him, "When I find the right person, I will let you know. I don't have an answer for you right now." He asked me if I like women better than men seven times during that night. And: "Your questions are intrusive and rude - please stop badgering me. It is inappropriate." By not setting up boundaries with him, he will continue to push and push. You need to let him know that he has crossed a line and you will not let that continue. 6
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Look at your friend, get up and tell her, "When your ******* of a husband learns what overstepping the line means, I may come back, but until then, I really don't have to tolerate his company a second longer. Excuse me." Grab your coat, and leave. Your boundaries are for you to establish. But once you do, you need to make them clear and unequivocal. If he can't see that, he's a dick-headed jerk. And if she can't understand it - she's a dick-headed jerk's wife. And not the kind of friend I would feel comfortable with. 9
carhill Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 The plan now on is to only hang alone with her. Carhill likes this. IMO, that guy is going to end up in a ditch someday. All it will take is encountering someone with stronger measures with regards to boundary enforcement than yourself and your friend. Let's hope it's not your boyfriend or husband. 2
dichotomy Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 It sounds like he is confusing your bisexuality with a lack of boundaries in discretion and respect for yourself and others and their relationships. What an insensitive man. He is not flirting - he is disrespecting you, his wife, and his marriage. Next time he tries this - tell him this. 6
kimberlydoll Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 If hes being the "typical guy" like your friend says I dont ever want to get married 1
Author Seductive Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) Here is the problem. You left him with an open-ended answer. The correct response would have been: "I am not seeing anyone right now and my personal life is non of your concern." And: "Your questions are intrusive and rude - please stop badgering me. It is inappropriate." By not setting up boundaries with him, he will continue to push and push. You need to let him know that he has crossed a line and you will not let that continue. I felt like I was saying a lot of things to him, but some people just don't get it. I told him that I don't like to talk about my personal dating life,that I'm single and that I only see him as my friend's husband. Yet, he was so adamant to know the answer to "Do you like women more than men?" I also made it clear that I see his wife as a friend, and not someone to get involved with. He started to sulk saying "You must hate me. You don't like hanging around me." What's done is done, and the solution is to keep a distance from him. We usually don't invite him out, but he came out this one rare occasion. Honestly, those few dates that I went on with women were G-rated. Going on a date with a woman doesn't mean you're going to have wild crazy sex with them. Edited February 25, 2013 by Seductive
2sure Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I am livid for you. I had a very very similar situation in my own life. It was my friends husband. He learned I had had some experience with threesomes and made it his mission in life to have one. With me. He seemed to really feel he had every right to ask me questions of a private nature. His wife and I had no interest whatsoever in becoming involved. Eventually, his harassment increased if she so much as left the room. He became insulted at my rejection and eventually convinced her that I was hitting on him. I no longer speak to her. 1
Silly_Girl Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 What a nob! I definitely recommend cutting him dead. You have no I interest in his sex life, and he has no cause to be interested in yours. I know I wouldn't have been as assertive as I would like, in your shoes, but he definitely would have been told at least once that it's none of his business. I think your friend should have more respect for you, too, than to condone his behaviour. 2
KathyM Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Sounds to me like he was sizing you up for a threesome with them, since he found out you were bisexual. You should have set a firm boundary with him from the start and not listen to him interrogate you like that. The thing to say would have been "I'm not interested in discussing my sex life." When he asked if you found him attractive, the thing to say would have been "No, you're my friend's husband. That kills it for me right there." You need to set firm boundaries with people like this. 4
CC12 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 The plan now on is to only hang alone with her. That would be a good plan, except that she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with how he speaks to you, and she makes excuses for him, even after you told her you didn't like his questions. If a friend told me that my husband was asking too many questions of her, I wouldn't be like, "lol, He's just the flirtatious type and he likes to push boundaries. He doesn't like my other friends as much as he likes you." Ugh, I felt so creepy even typing that out. Your friend should be checking her husband, not encouraging you to accept his awkward, intrusive, personal questions. The previous poster mentioned him sizing you up for a threesome. I think they are both sizing you up for a threesome. I know that's a weird accusation, but that's the vibe I got from your very first post. 1
Author Seductive Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Sounds to me like he was sizing you up for a threesome with them, since he found out you were bisexual. You should have set a firm boundary with him from the start and not listen to him interrogate you like that. The thing to say would have been "I'm not interested in discussing my sex life." When he asked if you found him attractive, the thing to say would have been "No, you're my friend's husband. That kills it for me right there." You need to set firm boundaries with people like this. that's what I said initially to him. He then said,"what if I wasn't married, would you still find me attractive?". I told him, "I don't like answering these questions.". His wife said, "just tell him. He won't mind.". I said"no, I don't find you attractive.". His wife is straight and not interested in a threesome. When I told her about me going on a few dates with women, I hoped that she wouldnt babble off to her husband. They are both convinced that I'm a lesbian, which put me on the defense. Their reasoning is "you never talk about guys and you're not dating anyone. "
CC12 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 that's what I said initially to him. He then said,"what if I wasn't married, would you still find me attractive?". I told him, "I don't like answering these questions.". His wife said, "just tell him. He won't mind.". I said"no, I don't find you attractive.". His wife is straight and not interested in a threesome. When I told her about me going on a few dates with women, I hoped that she wouldnt babble off to her husband. They are both convinced that I'm a lesbian, which put me on the defense. Their reasoning is "you never talk about guys and you're not dating anyone. " They're both creeps. 2
ToGuy Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 he sounds like a goof, have some fun with him. Tease the crap out him, tell the type of women you like. Tell him the guys you like (and make sure they are NOT like him, so he will fell like crap) Don't "grag your coat and leave" Grag a drink, and have some fun! Ask him what kind of guys HE likes (that'll get him going)
Author Seductive Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 he sounds like a goof, have some fun with him. Tease the crap out him, tell the type of women you like. Tell him the guys you like (and make sure they are NOT like him, so he will fell like crap) Don't "grag your coat and leave" Grag a drink, and have some fun! Ask him what kind of guys HE likes (that'll get him going) I did that. I told him that the men I like are the opposite of him, and described what they looked like. He still said "you like men with long hair? Come on, that's so lesbian." He also asked to see photos of the guy that I've been with. Most guys I know have no interest in seeing the photos of guys that I've with. My friend said, "honey, you're not her type. But, you're my type!". It was definitely laughable, and it's hilarious.
Author Seductive Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 I wanted to add that reinforcing boundaries and using your mouth to fight doesn't always work. Some people either get off on you getting defensive, or they try to overpower you when you set the boundary. I think walking away or being a silent observer can be much more powerful, because people like this man end up looking like idiots in the end falling flat on their face. As another poster said, he ended up being pathetically entertaining. Now, he's probably miserable that I'm not interested in him and he's probably going to feel salty when he finds out about my future husband. 1
freestyle Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Just because someone demands an explanation from you, you don't have to give one. ESPECIALLY about your personal romantic life. He was way out of line....don't allow it next time. And your friend was a jerk for divulging your deeply personal information to him, without your permission. It might be a good idea to be careful what you share with her in the future. 1
KathyM Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 that's what I said initially to him. He then said,"what if I wasn't married, would you still find me attractive?". I told him, "I don't like answering these questions.". His wife said, "just tell him. He won't mind.". I said"no, I don't find you attractive.". His wife is straight and not interested in a threesome. When I told her about me going on a few dates with women, I hoped that she wouldnt babble off to her husband. They are both convinced that I'm a lesbian, which put me on the defense. Their reasoning is "you never talk about guys and you're not dating anyone. " You need to set boundaries with these people and not feel compelled to answer any of their questions about your sex life. They have no right to know, and you have no obligation to tell them anything, no matter how many times or how many ways they ask you for information.
Author Seductive Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 If someone keeps asking you questions when you first set the boundary, what do you do? Keep saying "None of your business"? I admit I tend to break down under pressure. When it comes to myself, I don't pester people to reveal personal information. If they say no, I respect their no. I don't understand why other people have to keep badgering someone. As much as I love this friend, it looks like you all are right. There's something deeper going on in there. I was referring to this friend when I made a topic about "Should I tell my friend that my ex raped me?"in the abuse section. Looks like the answer is no. My friend and her husband also invited me to Florida, but I'm going to pass.
KathyM Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 If someone keeps asking you questions when you first set the boundary, what do you do? Keep saying "None of your business"? I admit I tend to break down under pressure. When it comes to myself, I don't pester people to reveal personal information. If they say no, I respect their no. I don't understand why other people have to keep badgering someone. As much as I love this friend, it looks like you all are right. There's something deeper going on in there. I was referring to this friend when I made a topic about "Should I tell my friend that my ex raped me?"in the abuse section. Looks like the answer is no. My friend and her husband also invited me to Florida, but I'm going to pass. You need to keep setting the boundary using as many phrases as necessary until they get the message. "My sex life is not up for discussion", "I'm not willing to discuss that", "You need to give this topic a rest", "I don't consider my friend's husband a sexual being" (lol). Say anything and everything that gets the message across that you are not interested in that topic with them. And I think it's a good idea you are going to pass on that trip to Florida. It sounds like they are trying to groom you for a threesome.
tbf Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Guys like that are easy to play. Just tell him you want his wife, not him. 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Geez. My boyriend is turned on by lez porn, but he would never have the audacity to ASK a girl if she liked girls.. not unless he was very good friends with them first!!! From my experience (and I have A LOT Of it, sadly), I would stay away from him, and any guy who makes sexual remarks. Ignoring them or not talking to them unless you have to is the only thing that works in my expereince. Sadly, being pleasant and wanting to go out of your way to tal to such men, can give them the wrong impression about you... (they think you want to talk to them and discuss personal issues, or god forbid, even have sex with you!). Once the lines have beeb crosses in regards to sexual conversation, I just ignore the guys. Nothing else works, unless your willing to literally tell him that " look, this is inappropriate, I will not be talking to you about anything sexual again" I pesonally prefer to just not talk to those types of people. I hate confrontation and having to be direct about telling a person to go away! 1
BetheButterfly Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Here is the problem. You left him with an open-ended answer. The correct response would have been: "I am not seeing anyone right now and my personal life is non of your concern." And: "Your questions are intrusive and rude - please stop badgering me. It is inappropriate." By not setting up boundaries with him, he will continue to push and push. You need to let him know that he has crossed a line and you will not let that continue. 100% agreed. That's a very kind and firm way to address his issue of disrespecting both his wife and you. He needs to know that what he is doing is 100% unacceptable. 1
Author Seductive Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 The problem is that his wife doesn't see it as disrespectful. If she does, she's trying to make it seem like it doesn't bother her on the outside. She thinks that all men are sex-crazed pigs that can't control themselves. So, it's easier for her to think of her husband as a typical guy. I disagree with her, because I've seen a lot of men that are terrified as coming off as creeps.
BetheButterfly Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 If someone keeps asking you questions when you first set the boundary, what do you do? Keep saying "None of your business"? I admit I tend to break down under pressure. When it comes to myself, I don't pester people to reveal personal information. If they say no, I respect their no. I don't understand why other people have to keep badgering someone. I think there needs to be a reasonable and kind consequence if a person doesn't respect you. If they continue to harrass you, then I think it'd be good to simply not hang around that person/people if possible. As much as I love this friend, it looks like you all are right. There's something deeper going on in there. I was referring to this friend when I made a topic about "Should I tell my friend that my ex raped me?"in the abuse section. Looks like the answer is no. Oh. I agree that it's best to not tell this friend in particular because it does seem like her husband is interested in you as more than a friend. My friend and her husband also invited me to Florida, but I'm going to pass. Are they going for vacation? I think that's a good idea to pass. Something does seem to be up...
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