Do you agree that most men "settle" when getting a girlfriend?

[kimberlydoll]

3. I know a lot of guys who try to be confident when they approach girls for date but due to their looks they couldn't get far. I know in the past I was quite confident from time to time but my looks aren't appealing to girls so I couldn't do anything. And yes, men seem like they are willing to sleep with anyone but that's because of woman's shallowness. Both want sex just as much but since your average woman happens to be so shallow in looks, in order to ease their sexual frustration the men just end up sleeping with "hideous" and fat women.

QUOTE]

 

Men are more sex driven and dont have much standards when it comes to "just sex" Many women use sex as a way to get into a relationship. There are some women that act like men, but most women have sex and want more afterwards. It doesnt work because men separate sex from their emotions and (most) women have a hard time with it. I do and thats why I dont jump into bed with any man I meet.

 

Seriously, take a look around these forums and see the number of women afraid to jump into bed with a guy because he will lose interest in them or women who have been burned by doing that. For me, If I dont put out pretty early alot of men will stop talking to me

[IndianGuy87]

Men are more sex driven and dont have much standards when it comes to "just sex" Many women use sex as a way to get into a relationship. There are some women that act like men, but most women have sex and want more afterwards. It doesnt work because men separate sex from their emotions and (most) women have a hard time with it. I do and thats why I dont jump into bed with any man I meet.

 

Seriously, take a look around these forums and see the number of women afraid to jump into bed with a guy because he will lose interest in them or women who have been burned by doing that. For me, If I dont put out pretty early alot of men will stop talking to me

 

That's because women are just generally attracted to men who already have a lot of options. How about give the type of guys the option that don't have multiple women around them that are interested in them? There are a lot of average looking quite and shy guys out there who are quite nice and I highly doubt they would ever stop talking to women if they don't put out early. It's just women don't consider them as dating worthy. They aren't as good looking as the women desire plus they see them as weird, uncool and socially awkward due to their shyness.

[xxoo]

And also, how does a man who is sincere and not settling (or at least trying to be) deal with being lumped in with the rest?

 

If a woman is going to lump you, she's going to lump you. That's her issue.

 

Your job is to recognize it and dodge the bullet.

[123321]

Midlife crises involving going for younger women and divorcing their older wife. Yes, that does happen. I know 3 examples in my life where a guy did that.

 

There is a strong correlation and some evidence for causation between a wife entering menopause and the husband having what women like to call a mid-life crisis. If you look at it with an unbiased eye, it's probably a good reproductive strategy in some situations.

[123321]

Yeah I think alot of girls are denial about how men talk about them when theyre not around...

 

I'm sure there's plenty of that going around on both sides, don't you think?

[RogerWallace111]

I'd have to agree that there are plenty of men who treat the woman they are with like a 'dream girl.' I've had it happen to me a couple of times, including the relationship I am in now. I've never felt so secure in a situation as I do now because he totally focuses on me and only me.

 

I'm aware that most men -- even my own bf -- have ideas in their mind of an 'ideal woman' (physically and in other ways) and often that woman is a very hot one and maybe an off-the-charts intellect. But if you're lucky, you'll find a guy with whom you never actually perceive or feel any 'settling' on his part, because he won't show it, it won't be at the forefront of his consciousness, and it won't involuntarily 'leak out' in his behavior toward you, etc.

 

I think most people can feel it in their gut when they are being settled for. There are also tell tale signs in the behavior of their mate.

 

If you can't feel it or perceive it at all, don't think it's "just because he/she is good at hiding it" and torture yourself with the idea that his dream girl is someone else, or her dream guy is someone else, and that he/she is just being practical and taking what he/she can get.

 

In my opinion, humans aren't that great at hiding their dissatisfaction, annoyance, or lack of feeling.

 

So if you can't even perceive it in your partner, there's a good chance that the degree to which he/she is 'settling' is very, very small, or that he/she doesn't feel very strongly that he is settling in the first place.

 

I doubt I'm my boyfriend's dream girl, honestly. But as I mentioned in my earlier post, that makes his loving me even all the more remarkable.

 

I actually don't want to be anybody's dream girl, anyway, at least not in that 'perfect goddess' way. I'm more comfortable with the idea of a guy being head over heels with me but seeing me as real, flawed, even unappealing in some strange ways.

 

Good post. EVERYONE has some flaws, so being anyone's "perfect" dream girl/guy, in every respect, all the time, is impossible. Assuming youre defining perfect as meaning as ideal as humanly possible.

 

The "perfection" I think of, though, is a real thing. It's a perfection of this natural world, thus there are always the poles of what we label "good" or "positive," the "flaws" and "downsides". But they are part of the balance within anything, that is perfection. So, just cause fish are sh*tting under the "perfect" blue water of the "perfect" beach I'm relaxing on, having my "perfect" vacation, it's still perfect. When it's out of balance is when I see it as imperfect. So if I'm in a relationship and my girl has days where she's irritable and emotional, that's fine, it's just one side of her being "perfect". If she is acting like that to a point that's beyond reasonable, the balance has been thrown off, I'm no longer seeing her as my "perfect" girl.

 

Anyway, I'm losing my train of thought, but I guess my point is mainly that perfection is in the eye of the beholder, and considering "perfect" to be something beyond the natural world is silly. Life is perfection. Even people with their f*cked up issues are perfect in their own way. Not perfect partners for any given person necessarily, but that's where the eye of the beholder comes in.

 

I'm tired

[ThaWholigan]

Good post. EVERYONE has some flaws, so being anyone's "perfect" dream girl/guy, in every respect, all the time, is impossible. Assuming youre defining perfect as meaning as ideal as humanly possible.

 

The "perfection" I think of, though, is a real thing. It's a perfection of this natural world, thus there are always the poles of what we label "good" or "positive," the "flaws" and "downsides". But they are part of the balance within anything, that is perfection. So, just cause fish are sh*tting under the "perfect" blue water of the "perfect" beach I'm relaxing on, having my "perfect" vacation, it's still perfect. When it's out of balance is when I see it as imperfect. So if I'm in a relationship and my girl has days where she's irritable and emotional, that's fine, it's just one side of her being "perfect". If she is acting like that to a point that's beyond reasonable, the balance has been thrown off, I'm no longer seeing her as my "perfect" girl.

 

Anyway, I'm losing my train of thought, but I guess my point is mainly that perfection is in the eye of the beholder, and considering "perfect" to be something beyond the natural world is silly. Life is perfection. Even people with their f*cked up issues are perfect in their own way. Not perfect partners for any given person necessarily, but that's where the eye of the beholder comes in.

 

I'm tired

Basically, the very imperfect nature of life itself is perfect . I hear you .

[Jane2011]

Okay, here's my little story.

 

My ex from a few years ago left me (four years older than him) for a girl ten years younger than him (she was 18; he was 28). I don't think I'm a knock-out or perfect, but it wasn't a case of my having blimped out or been unable to have children. I'm thin now and was thin then, too. I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty.

 

I don't think it happens with all men who go for really young girls, but he ended up getting dumped about seven months after they started dating, and he told me in the aftermath that she was cruel to him almost the whole time, calling him a pedophile and teasing him about being with her. (What kind of girlfriend calls her older boyfriend a 'pedophile?')

 

My ex readily admits that he likes younger women.

 

I've heard guys on here and elsewhere say that most men fantasize about having a 16 year old, that most men think 16 is the ideal age for a woman to be.

 

So...I am baffled by how my ex keeps dating older women even though he wants a young girl. He's actually a good friend of mine and I like him in many ways, but I think his pattern is problematic. He is currently dating a woman eight years older than he is, and he's already been flaky. He's told me that they've broken up and gotten back together (his doing) a few times, and they only just started two and a half months ago.

 

I just think he needs to stop getting together with women he can get, and just go for the ones he really wants. He really wants a young girl.

 

So, I think he does settle. But I think he's also very overt about it, so one can't really say he's tricking anyone.

[hppr]

Short, fat, skinny, ugly, serious, and dorky guys have women "falling in love" with them because of how much money they make.

 

Yeah or they go for "short, fat, skinny, ugly, dorky" women. There are tons and tons of average, ordinary people out there in relationships.

 

You sound really down on yourself which I can guarantee is your biggest problem with women.

 

Also, I bet you are focusing a lot on this rather than other things in your life that make a bigger difference.

 

I think men and women do it equally.

 

I just had a friend encouraging me the other day to just go on dates with guys I don't even like that much, just to have something to do.

 

Nothing wrong with that, who knows one of those guys you 'aren't interested in' might turn out to be a really fun guy to be with...but you'll never know if you just sit around waiting for the 'guy you want' to come your way...

[hppr]

My ex readily admits that he likes younger women.

 

Youth is attractive to everyone.

 

As for your ex he obviously has something else going on.

[Shardish]

and make an honest shot at trying to be happy.

 

What happens if you are already happy? Do you become a happier person?

[Phoe]

Short, fat, skinny, ugly, serious, and dorky guys have women "falling in love" with them because of how much money they make. These guys just happened to be the richest men that those women could find.

 

oh good grief, ignorant stuff like this just pisses me off...

 

Guess what? Years ago I fell in love with a guy who was significantly shorter than me, skinnier than me, dorky, huge glasses, not very good looking, very shy and did not have a job. aka HE HAD NO MONEY. He never bought me anything, and that is just fine, because guess what? PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE. I loved him for who he was.

 

And I didn't break up with him because I "found someone with more money" or anything else nonsensical. He broke up with ME after admitting he'd been cheating on me with another girl. HE'S the one who found something better.

 

Give it up with the women only want money nonsense.

[kimberlydoll]

Since I am the OP. I just want to state to me settling does not mean dating someone less than your ideal and being happy about it. I mean more people who date less than their ideal since they cannot get another person, and are somewhat happy (at least enough to continue the relationship) but not really.

I agree with maninthebox, alot of normal behaviors (such as dating someone who doesnt meet every single requirement) is seen as settling. My definition is different. Usually someone who settles, it shows at some point in their behavior and attitude towards their partner (except for the really good actors)

[Shardish]

I don't know how anyone could settle for someone they're not really mad about. A passionless relationship is a relationship not worth having, I'd rather spend the rest of my life as a singleton (which isn't a bad life at all, it's a very good one, at least for me) than settle for someone who I am not attracted to.

[Ruby Slippers]

Nothing wrong with that, who knows one of those guys you 'aren't interested in' might turn out to be a really fun guy to be with...but you'll never know if you just sit around waiting for the 'guy you want' to come your way...

You make a good point.

 

But I've been on 3 dates with this guy I'm just not feeling it for, who I can tell is feeling it for me, and it feels cruel to keep "dating" him knowing I'm not feeling it.

 

My friends tell me to just keep going out with him, have fun, see if something develops, or be fine with nothing developing - but I cannot do it if my heart's not in it.

 

I would actually like to be friends with him, but I know how men love the friend zone.

 

But I will keep dating and giving things a shot

[Lonely Ronin]

You make a good point.

But I will keep dating and giving things a shot

 

Your not in your late 20's and have a date tonight do you? :eek:

[JuneJulySeptember]

I've just read the title of the thread and not a single post in it.

 

It's only settling if you give a sh@t what other nosey and idiotic people in this world think of you personal affairs.

 

[Kingtut380]

Okay, here's my little story.

 

My ex from a few years ago left me (four years older than him) for a girl ten years younger than him (she was 18; he was 28). I don't think I'm a knock-out or perfect, but it wasn't a case of my having blimped out or been unable to have children. I'm thin now and was thin then, too. I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty.

 

I don't think it happens with all men who go for really young girls, but he ended up getting dumped about seven months after they started dating, and he told me in the aftermath that she was cruel to him almost the whole time, calling him a pedophile and teasing him about being with her. (What kind of girlfriend calls her older boyfriend a 'pedophile?')

 

My ex readily admits that he likes younger women.

 

I've heard guys on here and elsewhere say that most men fantasize about having a 16 year old, that most men think 16 is the ideal age for a woman to be.

 

So...I am baffled by how my ex keeps dating older women even though he wants a young girl. He's actually a good friend of mine and I like him in many ways, but I think his pattern is problematic. He is currently dating a woman eight years older than he is, and he's already been flaky. He's told me that they've broken up and gotten back together (his doing) a few times, and they only just started two and a half months ago.

 

I just think he needs to stop getting together with women he can get, and just go for the ones he really wants. He really wants a young girl.

 

So, I think he does settle. But I think he's also very overt about it, so one can't really say he's tricking anyone.

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Perhaps he has a case of cognitive dissonance. Most men, IMHO , usually prefer younger girls when looks are involved but older girls when personality or intelligence is involved. He might be fighting against his biological tendencies. To me this is a sign of maturity.

[thecrucible]

I did settle for a guy but was in complete denial about it. It was only when, during the relationship, I experienced more personal growth and confident knowledge about myself, that I realised it was sliding away with him. It sounds crappy but as I said, I did not have proper self-awareness at the time. Now I tend to end dating scenarios early if I feel like it's not going anywhere in my mind.

 

While I think people settle to some degree, I don't think people should willingly settle. I feel like I owe it to whoever I'm dating to be fully into him because it isn't fair to him otherwise. You can tell by a man's actions, how much he is into you. If one of you is settling, then you are both settling for each other. Nobody wants to be second-best.

 

Most people who settle are either extreme pragmatists who probably place romance at a lesser degree of importance (I don't have a problem with that as long as they aren't dishonest about it) or people who are "in love with love" rather than the person they're with and will get into relationships easily. Or like me, they were clutching at straws trying to make something work to the detriment of their true characters.

[thecrucible]

Men are more sex driven and dont have much standards when it comes to "just sex" Many women use sex as a way to get into a relationship. There are some women that act like men, but most women have sex and want more afterwards. It doesnt work because men separate sex from their emotions and (most) women have a hard time with it. I do and thats why I dont jump into bed with any man I meet.

 

Seriously, take a look around these forums and see the number of women afraid to jump into bed with a guy because he will lose interest in them or women who have been burned by doing that. For me, If I dont put out pretty early alot of men will stop talking to me

 

Your post is so gender-normative, I can't take it seriously. There are men out there who don't like sex. Trust me. I dated one. I have had sex without commitment but that doesn't make me "like a man". Again there are men who only have sex within stable relationships and that doesn't mean that they are betraying their natural inclinations. Men aren't wired machines for sex.

 

As for not putting out turning men off, you're talking about one sub-group of men, and not all men in general.

 

That's because women are just generally attracted to men who already have a lot of options.

 

Not necessarily "lots of the options" but at least the illusion of having something going in their life other than the pursuit of pussy.

 

They aren't as good looking as the women desire plus they see them as weird, uncool and socially awkward due to their shyness.

 

Have you approached "weird, uncool and socially awkward" women who are "average looking" or are you making that judgement call based on the women who've rejected you?

 

Some women are turned on by shyness; some aren't. It's a non-issue. Many men make the same call. I'm a bit shy, not all guys like that and I don't expect them to. I'm happy to admit that shy men do not turn me on at all. I like what I like and can't change that. Why do expect these women to like you?

Edited February 27, 2013 by thecrucible

[mortensorchid]

I know how you feel about this. I have encountered quite a few in my life who I think settle. They are intimidated by women who take risks, who are independant, who have more charisma than they do. Instead of having a woman who is their equal or can hold their own with them, they go for trashy girls so that they feel superior to them. They also want someone who is going to take care of them, replace their mothers essentially. They want someone who is going to do their laundry, clean up after them, cook their food, etc., but not challenge them intellectually or be liked by others better than them. And looks? They say they want beautiful women, but they pick the less attractive ones because it's back to that charisma thing.

 

Why? Low self esteem, they don't want to admit it. And then they have the gaul to call you crazy or weird. I'm fed up with it myself. And I'm on the same boat with you. I don't bother with them anymore.

[TheBigQuestion]

I know how you feel about this. I have encountered quite a few in my life who I think settle. They are intimidated by women who take risks, who are independant, who have more charisma than they do. Instead of having a woman who is their equal or can hold their own with them, they go for trashy girls so that they feel superior to them. They also want someone who is going to take care of them, replace their mothers essentially. They want someone who is going to do their laundry, clean up after them, cook their food, etc., but not challenge them intellectually or be liked by others better than them. And looks? They say they want beautiful women, but they pick the less attractive ones because it's back to that charisma thing.

 

Why? Low self esteem, they don't want to admit it. And then they have the gaul to call you crazy or weird. I'm fed up with it myself. And I'm on the same boat with you. I don't bother with them anymore.

 

Or they're just not into you. Ever look at it that way?

[mortensorchid]

I don't get this world anymore, I just don't. I have tried to be the best I can be with others only to find that I am thrown over countless times for someone else. My mom's friends like to talk, I overheard them once a while back asking each other "why doesn't she have a boyfriend because she's so beautiful?" I have a good personality, a rockin body (and I can say that, I worked on it), and people tell me I have a pretty face but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone out there.

 

Guys have thrown me over for trashy women. My last serious bf threw me over after six months, saying that every woman he'd ever been with has broken it off over his bad behaviors. Barely four months later, he got another girlfriend. Weeks later, he moved in with her and is still with her as far as I know. He was looking to move out of his mom's house and when I wasn't offering he found someone who would. Others past, serious or not, have gone for women who throw tantrums, scream and fight with them when I want to make things as happy as possible, not to mention strippers. They will never learn until it comes and bites them in the ass. Through Facebook I looked up a few from the past and they said that they felt like they weren't good enough for me.

 

I have been burned so many times I am tired. Honestly, when I get my hopes up the man ends up leaving me for some stupid reason then takes up with someone else who will do the same again. I feel those who are "in my league" aren't interested, the ones under me aren't either. If there are those over me, I haven't met them knowingly. Is it so much to ask that a man not be intimidated or secure enough with themselves to be good to everyone including me? Many of them have patted me on the head more or less saying "you're a big girl, you can handle it."

 

Well, yes, I am a big girl. And this big girl has decided to hang it up. I have become rather bitter over the past few months/years on this, I hope it doesn't show on my face or attitude with others. I wanted to get that off my chest.

[TheGuard13]

What part of Northeast Ohio are you in?

 

That might be part of the problem.

[man_in_the_box]

Personally I think settling has to to with what standards people have established for themselves. And I don't mean the highest standard that entails everything you ever could wish for but the standard that would qualify a relationship as good enough for you. I know formulating it that way might give the wrong response but I mean it in a different way. For some of us 'good enough' is the top of what they can get and no less. On the other side of the spectrum there's people that define 'good enough' as anything that moves. And for most of us I'd assume it lies somewhere to what we can provide ourselves. Don't make the mistake of confusing 'good enough' with 'barely passable' - in this context they're not the same.

 

Now that everyone has a certain standard from which they honestly can know form themselves is required to keep them satisfied and fullfilled in a relationship. The standard could be anything, looks, income, work, character, religion, age, compatiblity, friendship, superficial stuff, combinations of the aforementioned, etc. I'd say people settle when they willingly and knowingly throw themselves at a relationship that does not attain that standard subsequently making them unhappy and consequently making their partner unhappy as nobody wants to be the one which has been really settled for.

 

I think most of this discussion is the result of trying to impose our own standards we established for ourselves and use them to measure other people's relationship choices.