Do you agree that most men "settle" when getting a girlfriend?

[xxoo]

Communication is your only method of fully understanding a man, and why do you think men avoid communicating? hmmmmm, you think they're just non-expressive? then why don't I have any problems?

 

I agree wholeheartedly with the communication part! That's something women can use. Be direct. Ask what you want to know. No dropping hints, and no searching for clues.

 

If he wants to be all-in, he will be. If he isn't all-in, he doesn't want to be.

 

But if he is all-in, and it is apparent in his action and word, for the love of god don't mistrust him because of some fear that he's settling!

[Weezy1973]

I'm a man and will admit that I've settled in the past - and by settled I just mean I had relationships with women that I wasn't crazy about. They were still amazing women, but they just weren't right for me. Now, I refuse to settle, and I've been pretty much single for the past three years. For some people that isn't an option.

 

For a lot of people settling means being single. For them, being single means settling on a life that they have no interest in. They are relationships and almost always family oriented. For them to "self-actualize" it means they are part of a couple and either have a family or are on their way to starting one. They would not settle for any other life.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ive posted on here before most men dont have the options to obtain their dream girl (looks and personality wise) so they settle for the best they can get.

 

All of my exes were average looking dudes but they were hot to me. I also really liked their personalities or the ones they displayed in the beginning before they changed months later down the line. I dont think Im always looking for the "best thing" objectively out there. With my last ex I had a cuter guy who I worked with who made constant moves on me and generally tried to get into my heart. He also had a better career than my ex but since I was happy with my ex, I didnt entertain the thought of dating him.

 

Im trying to not be cynical, but I have struggled with this notion that most men have to "settle." Its a huge reason why I think getting a boyfriend is a bit of a waste of time. Why should I tie myself to someone who feels they can always do better? Its pretty disappointing and disheartening to me to hear my average-guy friends the way they talk about their wives/girlfriends when they arent around and they can be completely honest. These guys arent jerks either, they are your typical average joes.

 

I think alot of the stuff woman post about their dates and boyfriends on this site boil down to the fact that their boyfriends arent completely satisfied with him and are with them for other motives (mostly that they like having a girlfriend, cant be alone, external validation sort of thing).

 

Just to clarify, by settling I mean you have a girlfriend but you are not completely happy with her. You would most likely leave her if someone slightly better came along and you were very sure that person felt the same way. I am not talking about falling madly in love with an average looking woman and any hotter woman who walks by isnt more appealing. (I have yet to meet a guy who has done that this by the way.)

 

So if I am being too cynical, please inform me so.

 

I completely agree with this. I am just not sure how I can ever be happy with a boyfriend knowing what I know now?

 

I grew up with a brother and he always had male friends. Many times I overheard their conversations and they made me which partly led to my mistrust of men.

 

They were all average/kind guys too and not players or anything. Even my brother who is a sweet guy, never cheated, always in LTRs - possibly the best you can hope for..First 6 months with his current gf he was bothered by the fact that she isn't that pretty. He liked her body but not her face and he went on and on about it. Wondering if he can do better. He confided in me at length. He was embarrassed to introduce her to his friends and he even didn't want to introduce her to me. Eventually, because he is inherently lazy and nothing better came along within those first 6 months, he committed. They have now been together for 3 years and he will most likely marry her. Yet I am sure if this girl knew his true thoughts about her, she would be pretty devastated. Luckily, she will never know. Sigh

[DarlinBelle]

Men aren't the only ones who settle, women do too. The grass only seems greener until you actually cross over.

[kimberlydoll]

Yeah I think alot of girls are denial about how men talk about them when theyre not around...that says alot about how they feel about you. Most men I have found to be conflict avoidant and often say what you want to hear. I agree- now that I know how the male mind works (and like EternalSunshine, these men arent players or womanizers) I dont know if when I get into a relationship, Ill ever fully trust

[joystickd]

Yeah I think alot of girls are denial about how men talk about them when theyre not around...that says alot about how they feel about you. Most men I have found to be conflict avoidant and often say what you want to hear. I agree- now that I know how the male mind works (and like EternalSunshine, these men arent players or womanizers) I dont know if when I get into a relationship, Ill ever fully trust

Then you don't need to be in a relationship if you can't fully trust someone. It's unfair to punish someone because it's perceived that most men cheat or what they say when you are not around.

[TheBigQuestion]

I completely agree with this. I am just not sure how I can ever be happy with a boyfriend knowing what I know now?

 

I grew up with a brother and he always had male friends. Many times I overheard their conversations and they made me which partly led to my mistrust of men.

 

They were all average/kind guys too and not players or anything. Even my brother who is a sweet guy, never cheated, always in LTRs - possibly the best you can hope for..First 6 months with his current gf he was bothered by the fact that she isn't that pretty. He liked her body but not her face and he went on and on about it. Wondering if he can do better. He confided in me at length. He was embarrassed to introduce her to his friends and he even didn't want to introduce her to me. Eventually, because he is inherently lazy and nothing better came along within those first 6 months, he committed. They have now been together for 3 years and he will most likely marry her. Yet I am sure if this girl knew his true thoughts about her, she would be pretty devastated. Luckily, she will never know. Sigh

 

I'm fully aware of how a lot of women speak about men when they aren't around. I know for a fact that in many cases it's just as harsh. And yet, the world keeps turning, doesn't it? The fact that women are more harshly critical of men when not in their presence doesn't make me distrust them. If they aren't fully happy with their relationships and not taking steps to either fix them or get out of them, it's their loss.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm fully aware of how a lot of women speak about men when they aren't around. I know for a fact that in many cases it's just as harsh. And yet, the world keeps turning, doesn't it? The fact that women are more harshly critical of men when not in their presence doesn't make me distrust them. If they aren't fully happy with their relationships and not taking steps to either fix them or get out of them, it's their loss.

Took the words out of my mouth .

 

I know that us as men can be f*cked up, but as Ninja also pointed out in his mammoth posts, women can be equally as f*cked up. Who can trust who?

 

Me personally, I'm not paranoid about it, I'm ballsy enough to take the risk of trusting people - even if it gets thrown in my face. I'll live.

[Woggle]

I hear how a lot of women talk about their husbands and you can easily flip this around. Why do people think this is so one sided?

[TheBigQuestion]

I hear how a lot of women talk about their husbands and you can easily flip this around. Why do people think this is so one sided?

 

I don't think most people think this is one sided. There has just been a recent increase in the amount of female "lovable losers" posting here.

[Woggle]

I don't think most people think this is one sided. There has just been a recent increase in the amount of female "lovable losers" posting here.

 

I don't think that is it. Like I said in the other thread these days and times are rough for relationship minded people and both gender are pointing the finger at each other when in reality many of us need to point the finger at ourselves.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Woogle, I still like men very much - I just don't trust them. At all.

 

I often wish I wasn't exposed so much to those ugly truths. Some things are better left hidden. I wish I could be like those people that still believe in unicorns.

[Woggle]

There was a time when I didn't trust women at all as I am sure most of you who have been here a whole know all too well. I know now that men and women are really not much different. I know I would not have settled for somebody I wasn't very much in love with and while there are obviously many attractive women I would not want to be with anybody else.

[Eternal Sunshine]

There was a time when I didn't trust women at all as I am sure most of you who have been here a whole know all too well. I know now that men and women are really not much different. I know I would not have settled for somebody I wasn't very much in love with and while there are obviously many attractive women I would not want to be with anybody else.

 

That's very sweet to hear. And I agree women can be just as bad.

 

One of the reasons I stayed with my extremely critical ex was that I felt at least he is honestly telling me how it is. Either a man will think it or he will say it. However, it ended up depressing me so much that it killed any feelings I had for him. It was a slow process but in the end it made me despise him.

[somedude81]

Everybody poops lies so why make a stink out of it?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I hear how a lot of women talk about their husbands and you can easily flip this around. Why do people think this is so one sided?

 

I don't think that.

[Jane2011]

You are going to find just as many threads around here about men who feel like women "settle for the best they can get" as from your point of view - and that's WAY too many.

 

Talking bad about a wife or girlfriend is a crappy thing to do. Your guy friends who do it may not be heinous jerks, but they are probably very immature and if they're basically good people, they will be horrified by this behavior when they grow up. Assuming they ever do.

 

I advocate the banishment of the concept of "settling" for other people. EVERY relationship includes compromise. No guy is really going to have his "dream girlfriend" and no girl her prince charming. If someone feels like they've "settled" they should do the other person a favor and move on.

 

In a good relationship, we might be well aware of the compromises we've made and of the flaws in our partner, but we are aware that it's worth it.

 

I agree with the above.

 

You're supposed to respect and cherish your partner even if they are not your "dream guy" or "dream girl."

 

The way it works, in my experience and estimation, is that, as stated above, people really don't get their "dream person." For those who are looking at other couples and thinking "well, she/he [person in the couple] is MY dream person, so he/she must be the 'dream person' to the other person in the couple."

 

The irony is...probably not.

 

There was this woman in a couple who *I* thought was a goddess and so perfect in every way. I figured she was probably a 'dream person' to her boyfriend. But he actually had a different idea of a 'dream girl.' (I know because I had the inside track on him via a mutual friend).

 

The point is, when you're in a happy relationship, the person doesn't necessarily have to be your "dream person" for you to be very happy. Usually they are not 100% your "dream person," but the great things about them (and how loving they are to you) overwhelm you with joy, appreciation, affection, etc., that them not being your dream person seems kind of insignificant.

 

The guy I am with now is not my dream guy. He fulfills a lot of the "criteria," if you will, of what I like in a partner, but he's still not my dream guy. I'd even say far from it.

 

But he is really loving and caring and fantastic. I feel like I love him more than I love my theoretical dream guy because he (the bf) deserves it, and the dream guy has never shown up and proven himself, nor does he deserve it.

 

I think, really, that the lack of perfection/dream-guyness is what makes it love. You love the person despite that they are not perfect and not your dream person, not *because* they are perfect/your dream person. If they actually were your "dream person," it really wouldn't take any work or actual feeling to love them. Loving them would be too effortless and hence it'd be less meaningful.

 

Kind of the way my mother's love for me is one of the truest loves there is. She loves me "despite" and "even though"; her love is deep that way.

 

I think, cosmically, that we don't get our "dream person" not because life sucks but because we're not supposed to get our "dream person." True Love could never actually happen if we did.

Edited February 26, 2013 by Jane2011

[RogerWallace111]

Woogle, I still like men very much - I just don't trust them. At all.

 

I often wish I wasn't exposed so much to those ugly truths. Some things are better left hidden. I wish I could be like those people that still believe in unicorns.

 

I know I'm the twentieth person to say it, but no gender is, on a whole, inherently more or less trustworthy.

 

Men tend to play the role of the "in control" shot-caller in relationships. I think it's that dynamic that makes women feel particularly used & taken advantage of when a man betrays their trust (or talks badly about her behind her back, whatever it is). And I think it's also that dynamic that often leads women to cheat on their significant other; feeling like they're just victims at the hand of these men who think they can do whatever they want.

 

Thus the woman justifies her dirt by playing the victim, convincing herself that "if he isn't already, he will be doing me wrong", while the man stands by the played out "I'm a man, what do you expect ?" excuse.

 

It's pretty f*ckin lame. If only people could just be a little more secure and honest. And have the balls to leave relationships they aren't happy in, before they start talking sh*t about their partner or f*cking someone else.

 

Anyway, of course with the original "settling" issue, it's also arbitrary of gender. Once again, with the guy being traditionally seen as more "in control", there might be a tendency to think they're the ones doing the so-called settling more often. But, women know they are a commodity. Many times I've heard female friends/acquaintances feeling neglected or mistreated by their boyfriends bust out the "he thinks he's the only guy who wants me ??" card (often times before fishing for a confidence boost via text to some other guy who's shown interest).

 

So basically, it's people who "settle". I don't know what it's like to be "official" with a girl who I wasn't legitimately in love with, but I definitely have friends of both genders who have. The ones who, when asked about their bf/gf say some sh*t like "yeaaah, he/she's really cool, buuut, i don't know".

 

People often feel lonely, they often feel insecure, maybe even feel societal pressure. It's not surprising that so many opt for a lackluster relationship vs non, but that doesn't make it admirable. I take pride in my honesty with the girls I end up "involved" with in any way. Besides being simply the right thing to do, giving reasonably full disclosure of my intentions just seems like the easiest, most hassle-free way to operate (I say reasonably as, yes, some sugarcoating can be necessary).

[RogerWallace111]

Very well-said, Jane.

[dpc1192]

this is so true

[sillyanswer]

Just to summarise from what I've read so far:

 

 

• If I think I can't do better then that's bad.
  
• If I think I can do better then that's bad.
  

 

 

I'm glad we got that cleared up!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I know I'm the twentieth person to say it, but no gender is, on a whole, inherently more or less trustworthy.

 

Men tend to play the role of the "in control" shot-caller in relationships. I think it's that dynamic that makes women feel particularly used & taken advantage of when a man betrays their trust (or talks badly about her behind her back, whatever it is). And I think it's also that dynamic that often leads women to cheat on their significant other; feeling like they're just victims at the hand of these men who think they can do whatever they want.

 

Thus the woman justifies her dirt by playing the victim, convincing herself that "if he isn't already, he will be doing me wrong", while the man stands by the played out "I'm a man, what do you expect ?" excuse.

 

It's pretty f*ckin lame. If only people could just be a little more secure and honest. And have the balls to leave relationships they aren't happy in, before they start talking sh*t about their partner or f*cking someone else.

 

Anyway, of course with the original "settling" issue, it's also arbitrary of gender. Once again, with the guy being traditionally seen as more "in control", there might be a tendency to think they're the ones doing the so-called settling more often. But, women know they are a commodity. Many times I've heard female friends/acquaintances feeling neglected or mistreated by their boyfriends bust out the "he thinks he's the only guy who wants me ??" card (often times before fishing for a confidence boost via text to some other guy who's shown interest).

 

So basically, it's people who "settle". I don't know what it's like to be "official" with a girl who I wasn't legitimately in love with, but I definitely have friends of both genders who have. The ones who, when asked about their bf/gf say some sh*t like "yeaaah, he/she's really cool, buuut, i don't know".

 

People often feel lonely, they often feel insecure, maybe even feel societal pressure. It's not surprising that so many opt for a lackluster relationship vs non, but that doesn't make it admirable. I take pride in my honesty with the girls I end up "involved" with in any way. Besides being simply the right thing to do, giving reasonably full disclosure of my intentions just seems like the easiest, most hassle-free way to operate (I say reasonably as, yes, some sugarcoating can be necessary).

 

Good post, thank you.

 

I agree that men and women tend to be dishonest for different reasons. As mes pointed out earlier, women don't do it because of sex but it doesn't make it any better. I think I am just less focused on women because they interest me less

 

I am also somehow surrounded by relationships where people settled and openly admit it (well openly to me but behind their partner's back). For such a romantic like me, it's pretty depressing.

 

I know that I made some big mistakes in my relationships as well. I didn't handle things well and often in ways I am not proud of. Ultimately, while I wish that I handled situations differently, I don't regret that those relationships ended.

 

I am in a bit of self reflection phase at the moment, staying away from romance.

[Leigh 87]

If you are really in love, you have not settled.

 

You will not feel like you have settled if your in love.

 

You will objestively be able to see that your partner is not the most prettiest person, out of the 7 billion people on earth, to them!

 

If your in love, you will not want to change your partner or trade up up your partner.

 

....People who feel like they have settled, are with the wrong person.

 

NO ONE ( okay, maybe super models and celebs and rock stars who are good looking and/or tend to date super models) NO ONE besides these people, go out with people who are renmarkably good looking.............

 

Plenty of people get together with people who they do not think are the prettiest people in the world; yet they fall in love, and would not want to trade them for a better looking person.

[zanzi]

whoever I choose to be with, to me they are my dream guy just because they are themselves, I love them heaps, and I wouldn't want to change a single thing about them. I don't hold them up to an ideal, I look to see things that are prefect that are already there.

[xxoo]

Just to summarise from what I've read so far:

 

 

• If I think I can't do better then that's bad.
  
• If I think I can do better then that's bad.
  

 

 

I'm glad we got that cleared up!

 

If you are thinking about if you can do better, that's bad.