Mme. Chaucer Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks for disregarding all logic that I had used Are you seriously being snarky? Your "logic" is not logical in the context of love and attraction, not to mention potential eternal sharing of lives. And a person who is IN a marriage where she does not even entertain the idea of someone "better" who might or might not exist (xxoo) is in the correct position to disregard any such stabs at bringing logic into this kind of discussion. If you would just be willing to throw all of your preconceived notions about women, girlfriends, relationships, all that, out the window and NEVER EVER look at them again you might be open minded enough to change your own status in those areas.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Although! There is no reason why I wouldn't be able to fall in love with her. There are thousands of reasons why I could fall for somebody after spending enough time with them. Actually, THAT part of your post is right on. But all the stuff leading up to spending time with a person and getting to know them and seeing how the two of you click probably can and will NEVER happen when one of them thinks that the other was their last resort. Very infertile ground there for love and trust to grow.
iris219 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Lets pretend there are 10 girls I want to ask out. The first girl I ask out is the one I'm interested in the most, the second the second most and so on. Girls 1-9 all reject me and I'm down to number 10 whom I'm barely attracted to. Hell, lets say she comes on to me and I'd rather be with her then be alone. That is how I'd see settling for somebody. Although! There is no reason why I wouldn't be able to fall in love with her. There are thousands of reasons why I could fall for somebody after spending enough time with them. So it's possible to be in love with somebody one feels they settled for. I don't understand your mindset. Most of us don't view dating as a hierarchy like that. Girl #1 isn't necessarily better than Girl #2 or #3. They are all different and unique in their own way. Just because things didn't work out with Girl #1 (who you thought was awesome at the time) doesn't mean you should like or think any less of Girl #2 or #3 or #4. If you do think less of these women, that's a problem.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 SD, the problem with your theory is that most people don't have a list of 10 others that they will date, in order of preference, at any given time. For me, it works this way: I like a guy. If he doesn't like me back or things don't work out....some time later I like another guy. And so on. I don't go through ordered lists.
somedude81 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Actually, THAT part of your post is right on. Thanks for at least acknowledging that part, because that was the main point of my post. But all the stuff leading up to spending time with a person and getting to know them and seeing how the two of you click probably can and will NEVER happen when one of them thinks that the other was their last resort. Very infertile ground there for love and trust to grow.I don't understand your mindset. Most of us don't view dating as a hierarchy like that. Girl #1 isn't necessarily better than Girl #2 or #3. They are all different and unique in their own way. Just because things didn't work out with Girl #1 (who you thought was awesome at the time) doesn't mean you should like or think any less of Girl #2 or #3 or #4. If you do think less of these women, that's a problem. SD, the problem with your theory is that most people don't have a list of 10 others that they will date, in order of preference, at any given time. For me, it works this way: I like a guy. If he doesn't like me back or things don't work out....some time later I like another guy. And so on. I don't go through ordered lists. As for the other point of my post that none of you were able to understand. Want to know why none of you understood it? It's because you're all women and experience dating differently from how men do. It may be a shocker, but most men do actually prefer one woman over another. If the woman they want the most turns him down, he will go to the next one and so on. Men hardly ever get their first choice and it's silly to expect the man to give up with women entirely because of that. No, he goes to the next girl, then the next...
iris219 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Men hardly ever get their first choice and it's silly to expect the man to give up with women entirely because of that. No, he goes to the next girl, then the next... Yes, exactly. Stable people don't pine away for some "perfect" person in their past. When they date someone they are into, they are in the moment with that specific person. I don't get why you think your "first" choice is the best choice. It's like ES said: you meet someone, it doesn't work out, you move on, meet someone else, and so on. It doesn't mean the next person is less than the person before them. If I felt like I was negatively comparing a new guy to the one before him, it would mean I wasn't into him and I wouldn't date him. 1
somedude81 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Yes, exactly. Stable people don't pine away for some "perfect" person in their past. When they date someone they are into, they are in the moment with that specific person. I don't get why you think your "first" choice is the best choice. It's like ES said: you meet someone, it doesn't work out, you move on, meet someone else, and so on. It doesn't mean the next person is less than the person before them. If I felt like I was negatively comparing a new guy to the one before him, it would mean I wasn't into him and I wouldn't date him. You keep missing the point that I'm talking about asking out girls. For some reason you aren't understanding that men have to ask out a girl first before he can date her. Also, asking out a girl may have around a 20% chance of success. Based on a combination of factors a man can prefer one girl over another. For example in my salsa dance class, there is one girl that I'm more interested in than the others. If she rejects me, which is very likely, I'll ask out the next girl I'm thinking of. I can't make it any more simple than that.
iris219 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Based on a combination of factors a man can prefer one girl over another. For example in my salsa dance class, there is one girl that I'm more interested in than the others. If she rejects me, which is very likely, I'll ask out the next girl I'm thinking of. Ok. That's not settling. That's how dating works--for everyone.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 You keep missing the point that I'm talking about asking out girls. For some reason you aren't understanding that men have to ask out a girl first before he can date her. Also, asking out a girl may have around a 20% chance of success. Based on a combination of factors a man can prefer one girl over another. For example in my salsa dance class, there is one girl that I'm more interested in than the others. If she rejects me, which is very likely, I'll ask out the next girl I'm thinking of. I can't make it any more simple than that. That's the thought process of a desparate man (no offense). Love is a feeling, not some logical process of elimination.
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Lets pretend there are 10 girls I want to ask out. The first girl I ask out is the one I'm interested in the most, the second the second most and so on. Girls 1-9 all reject me and I'm down to number 10 whom I'm barely attracted to. Hell, lets say she comes on to me and I'd rather be with her then be alone. That is how I'd see settling for somebody. Although! There is no reason why I wouldn't be able to fall in love with her. There are thousands of reasons why I could fall for somebody after spending enough time with them. So it's possible to be in love with somebody one feels they settled for. What you can do is adjust what you value and what you are attracted to. Everybody does it. Also, remember you are on a dating site. Of course, regular posters here are going to have wildly romantic and emotional ideas of love. A lot of people live life logically and treat romantic relationships logically. Nobody can tell you what makes you happy.
somedude81 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Ok. That's not settling. That's how dating works--for everyone. Though not everybody thinks that way. Case in point | v That's the thought process of a desparate man (no offense). Love is a feeling, not some logical process of elimination. And what do you suggest I do? What you can do is adjust what you value and what you are attracted to. Everybody does it. What gave you the impression that I didn't do that already? Also, remember you are on a dating site. Of course, regular posters here are going to have wildly romantic and emotional ideas of love. A lot of people live life logically and treat romantic relationships logically. Nobody can tell you what makes you happy. A dating site with female members no less.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 And what do you suggest I do? Forget about girls and finish college It will also take an edge off your desperation. Desperate guys give off creepy vibes.
somedude81 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Forget about girls and finish college It will also take an edge off your desperation. Desperate guys give off creepy vibes. How the heck does any of that have to do with love or settling or whatever?
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 How the heck does any of that have to do with love or settling or whatever? You ask me what do I suggest you do. I gave you my opinion 2
man_in_the_box Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) If you want to bring love into this, here's how I'd see it. Lets pretend there are 10 girls I want to ask out. The first girl I ask out is the one I'm interested in the most, the second the second most and so on. Girls 1-9 all reject me and I'm down to number 10 whom I'm barely attracted to. Hell, lets say she comes on to me and I'd rather be with her then be alone. That is how I'd see settling for somebody. Although! There is no reason why I wouldn't be able to fall in love with her. There are thousands of reasons why I could fall for somebody after spending enough time with them. So it's possible to be in love with somebody one feels they settled for. Personally I think you're getting perspectives on dating mechanics and (LT)relationship flows mixed up. That analogy about moving on to the next girl if the first one rejects you is pretty realistic but it cannot be equated with what a relationship can do to significantly alter these trends. To illustrate that with a quick example. If my own version 5 years ago would have to select a girlfriend (or a date to have it make sense) from a sample of 10 girls (like your own example) with my girlfriend (whom I was not with in a relationship at that point) and I could pick any, there's a good chance I wouldn't have picked my gf. Sounds harsh? Perhaps, but there was no magic 'click', no sudden realization that this is the 'one', no deep falling in love all any of that over the top perfect romance. If I had to make the choice now, even when the other girls were all incredibly hot, succesfull, charming, funny, compatible, young, sexually adventurous women that like rock, videogames, history, music and casual pot smoking I'd still pick my girlfriend as my number one choice. Good relationships alter your perspectives on what you want as they become such an integrated part of your life. What made sense for me 5 years ago isn't applicable at all anymore today. Edited March 5, 2013 by man_in_the_box 2
xxoo Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Well said, man_in_a_box. Once in love, that person becomes the top choice. It doesn't mean that person was your top choice at first impression. First impressions don't matter at all at that point. Just loving a person is not enough (caring deeply). Being in love is like looking through foggy love glasses, and makes this person seem more ideal than they probably really are.
Ordinaryday Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Well I don't know about other guys but I certainly have Realised I am going to have to. I realized a long time ago that beautiful 10/10 physically attractive girl were never going to want me and that I would have to 'lower my standarsa' in order to hook up. Sounds horrible, but it is just a fact of life.
IndianGuy87 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 How the heck does any of that have to do with love or settling or whatever? Women are already 10 times more shallow than men, and this type of hostility towards them isn't gonna help you any better.
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Well said, man_in_a_box. Once in love, that person becomes the top choice. It doesn't mean that person was your top choice at first impression. First impressions don't matter at all at that point. Just loving a person is not enough (caring deeply). Being in love is like looking through foggy love glasses, and makes this person seem more ideal than they probably really are. I'm sure he's had that and been flat out rejected. I know I have, multiple times. I think what he (Somedude 81) is trying to say is that some people have a much better chance of finding what you describe than other people. Good looking people have a much better chance of finding love as you describe it.
man_in_the_box Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Well the essence of what I tried to say, which xxoo replied to, was that I (and likely many others) didn't start out in that state. I more the less grew into it. I'll have to say it is not as sparkly and shiny as xxoo described it but it is pretty good. But it didn't start out like I usually thought it should: meet pretty girl - fall in love - pursue - conquer - sex! But all in all the outcome is similar. LTR.
somedude81 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 This whole topic of love is complete nonsense to me. I've never been in love and it would have been foolish for me to be in love with somebody I was not in a relationship with. When I talk about dating and relationships, love is simply not on my mind. Right now I'm focused on the dating and rejection side of things. Personally I think you're getting perspectives on dating mechanics and (LT)relationship flows mixed up. That analogy about moving on to the next girl if the first one rejects you is pretty realistic but it cannot be equated with what a relationship can do to significantly alter these trends. To illustrate that with a quick example. If my own version 5 years ago would have to select a girlfriend (or a date to have it make sense) from a sample of 10 girls (like your own example) with my girlfriend (whom I was not with in a relationship at that point) and I could pick any, there's a good chance I wouldn't have picked my gf. Where you in love with her before the first date? And what if she had rejected you? Would you still think she's better than all the other girls?
man_in_the_box Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) Nope I wasn't and ad I said in first post, I didn't necessarily thought she was the "best thing out there. I thought she matcched me well, we were good friends and she got drunk and confessed wanting more. I guess I got lucky there but all in all it turned out into something good without all the worrying about finding a girl that I think would be the best I can get and simultaneously worrying about whether she likes me or not. I basically went in to see how it would work out... And it did. Its not as much about getting dates but more about whether its settling or not. At least I don't experience it that way. Its not an argument to proof that getting a gf is easy as that isnt necessarily true IMO. Edited March 5, 2013 by man_in_the_box
xxoo Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Somedude, it is common for a woman to begin dating a man thinking "he's kind of cute, and kind of funny....sure, I'll go out with him" and within a month have much deeper feelings for him and be very attracted. Now he's amazing and wonderful and all that sappy stuff. That's not settling--at all!
iKING Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Somedude, it is common for a woman to begin dating a man thinking "he's kind of cute, and kind of funny....sure, I'll go out with him" and within a month have much deeper feelings for him and be very attracted. Now he's amazing and wonderful and all that sappy stuff. That's not settling--at all! Very true. Deep bonds tend to develop with time, in both friendships and lovers. And friend/lovers (one of the best kinds). This reminds me of a quote. Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' 3
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Lets pretend there are 10 girls I want to ask out. The first girl I ask out is the one I'm interested in the most, the second the second most and so on. Girls 1-9 all reject me and I'm down to number 10 whom I'm barely attracted to. Hell, lets say she comes on to me and I'd rather be with her then be alone. That is how I'd see settling for somebody. Although! There is no reason why I wouldn't be able to fall in love with her. There are thousands of reasons why I could fall for somebody after spending enough time with them. So it's possible to be in love with somebody one feels they settled for. The problem is your scenario isn't "settling". Just because you didn't take someone who was originally your first, second or even 100th choice doesn't mean you are settling. The key is your attitude and feelings afterwards. Initial attraction is generally meaningless and shallow. Heck, I've been initially attracted to some women at bars that I found hideous in the daylight, sober, with normal makeup. What really makes the difference is if you hit that point in a relationship where you should be in love but are still not 'feeling it'. Settling is essentially about a lack of love and often a feeling of superiority to your partner. 1
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