Do you agree that most men "settle" when getting a girlfriend?

[Drseussgrrl]

Good question. Here is the thing:

 

I am attracted to a certain physical type. To some my ideal type might be average-looking, but to me she is very hot (dealing with looks here).

 

But it's not just looks. Some women just know how to dress and carry themselves in a way that gets a man to say "this is a WOMAN". They know how to make a guy feel sexy while challenging him in a way that gets him to step it up. Maybe I will write a thread about it.

 

And FYI Drseussgrrl: I am going on a third date with a woman whom I met in the grocery store--yes, when I met her she came from hot yoga, she was wearing her tights, and she looked...pretty good in them. Don't know whether you are happy to hear the news or disappointed that I actually met someone like that, but there you go.

 

Oh I'm happy for you. For sure. I love lululemon so she's already got those points in my book.

[Negative Nancy]

You know. I've been with one guy who was truly head over heels for me, and it was blatantly obvious in everything he did.

 

What did he do?

[CudLRoo]

I'm definitely a 'settler'. My last relationship was *almost* ideal. We loved each other VERY much, bar a few belief differences, and me having to work bad hours n lots of OT due to little work being available, we were perfect together, like Bonnie & Clyde or something. The smaller stuff split us in the end but a lot of that 5 years was very mutually pleasant and we both miss it, but it's over now, if I could get a "boo4life", I'd be over the moon, I like having a boo, I never stray (even if I get that post-argument temptation!), I guess I'm in a vast minority here!

[Sanitarium]

Kimberly you are very cute and you are probably a very nice person past beyond that cynical exterior

 

 

So many pretty ladies on this forum who have troubles dating. Where do you guys exist in real life?

[Sanitarium]

I don't get this world anymore, I just don't. I have tried to be the best I can be with others only to find that I am thrown over countless times for someone else. My mom's friends like to talk, I overheard them once a while back asking each other "why doesn't she have a boyfriend because she's so beautiful?" I have a good personality, a rockin body (and I can say that, I worked on it), and people tell me I have a pretty face but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone out there.

 

Guys have thrown me over for trashy women. My last serious bf threw me over after six months, saying that every woman he'd ever been with has broken it off over his bad behaviors. Barely four months later, he got another girlfriend. Weeks later, he moved in with her and is still with her as far as I know. He was looking to move out of his mom's house and when I wasn't offering he found someone who would. Others past, serious or not, have gone for women who throw tantrums, scream and fight with them when I want to make things as happy as possible, not to mention strippers. They will never learn until it comes and bites them in the ass. Through Facebook I looked up a few from the past and they said that they felt like they weren't good enough for me.

 

I have been burned so many times I am tired. Honestly, when I get my hopes up the man ends up leaving me for some stupid reason then takes up with someone else who will do the same again. I feel those who are "in my league" aren't interested, the ones under me aren't either. If there are those over me, I haven't met them knowingly. Is it so much to ask that a man not be intimidated or secure enough with themselves to be good to everyone including me? Many of them have patted me on the head more or less saying "you're a big girl, you can handle it."

 

Well, yes, I am a big girl. And this big girl has decided to hang it up. I have become rather bitter over the past few months/years on this, I hope it doesn't show on my face or attitude with others. I wanted to get that off my chest.

 

 

I don't have any doubt that you're attractive and probably a very nice person but perhaps you should investigate why you keep being drawn to men with questionable character?

 

 

There are lots and lots and lots of great guys out there that I personally know who wouldn't act the way you're talking about, why can't you find one of them?

[MrCastle]

It is rare that we get exactly who we want. Even when we do, it's usually not what we expected.

 

We usually end up with who we deserve.

[somedude81]

It is rare that we get exactly who we want. Even when we do, it's usually not what we expected.

 

We usually end up with who we deserve.

I was with you up until the end up with who we deserve part.

 

Many guys absolutely do not deserve the women they get and there are plenty of decent guys who end up with nobody.

 

When it comes to dating, karma is meaningless.

[charlietheginger]

Alot of times men or women meet someone and click. They

Both find each other attractive but yrs go by even decades.

The exposure the man and woman have to other people

Increases. Thus a man or women meets a new person.

Could be at work or some social event. Then that man or women

Might feel hey my hubby or wife doesn't do it for me anymore.

 

ALOT OF MARRIAGES END when a husband or wife starts

A new job and meets new people.

 

Mr bob meets a woman in cubical 5 mr bob has lunch

And feels a spark suddenly he thinks he must have settled

Becuase his wife now 37 doesn't have a tight ass anymore

is now a size 8 instead of a size 2.

 

Ms sally is 42 been married for 12yrs to tom. Toms

Pushing 50 gained a belly lost some hair. One day

32yr old man walks into her office drops off a package

Ms sally looks at his full head of hair and tight stomach.

Suddenly tom sitting on the couch isn't so appealing.

Ms sally gets her panties all moist becuase the 32yr

Old man at work tells her how pretty her hair looks

Today. Ms sally feels "i still got it" next thing you know

tom comes home to find all the furniture is gone his

Checking and savings accounts wiped out and divorce

Papers on the kitchen counter.

 

 

I'm not making this stuff up "the grass is greener" syndrome

Is a very real thing. No matter how great a husband or wife

Thinks they are. You always run the chance of your spouse

coming across "greener pastures"

[bodhesatva]

This topic comes up quite a bit on this forum. My answer to the OP's question is yes: everyone settles to some degree. Not just men, but women too. And this isn't a bad thing.

 

Here, let me give you an example. I dated a girl for nearly three years who was obese and would not be considered conventionally attractive. However, she was also a Harvard trained Biochemist and had a great sense of humor.

 

Should I feel bad about dating her? Did I "settle?" In the same vein, if you date a totally hot guy who is not especially bright, are you settling? If you marry the funniest man in the entire world (who is sort of average looking and doesn't make a ton of money), are you settling?

 

The answer is yes, in a way, we would be. Obviously it's possible to settle too much, where you accept the first piece of meat to walk through the door and show even remote interest in you. But if you're waiting for a guy (or girl) who is simultaneously the funniest, smartest, most handsome, and nicest person you will ever meet, then you will die alone because no single person is the best at everything at once.

 

If you can find a person that makes you deeply happy for decades, then I wouldn't ask much more than that. Given the divorce rates in the US (upwards of 50%), most people don't even make it past this simple first hurdle -- let alone worrying about anything else.

Edited March 4, 2013 by bodhesatva

[man_in_the_box]

I repeat my idea that it becomes 'settling' when you obviously know, while entering the relationship, that it is not enough for you. Yet you still continue.

[123321]

Well most people want "the best they can get", so I suppose everyone can be said to have settled really.

[man_in_the_box]

I think there's a difference between realizing there probably is a better deal out there somewhere and being completely dissatisfied with the cards you've been dealt. I really don't think the former one has 'settled'.

[xxoo]

I'm not making this stuff up "the grass is greener" syndrome

Is a very real thing. No matter how great a husband or wife

Thinks they are. You always run the chance of your spouse

coming across "greener pastures"

 

Keep tending the garden at home!

[Ruby Slippers]

What did he do?

I've been thinking about this subject. A poster PMed me asking me to compare the behavior of the guy who was crazy about me versus the guy who gave me the impression he was settling.

 

But as soon as I started making the lists, I realized there were a lot of factors behind those simple facts that told more of the story.

 

I'm a deep thinker, and I've read a lot about human relationships, psychology, and so on. But I think the concept of settling versus not settling is a complex one that I don't have a great handle on yet. In reality, I think most people the world over could be classified as "settling", not just in love but in most things - work, home, friendships, health. Hell, most people are just trying to survive. I don't think there's ANYONE who doesn't settle on some things. Even royalty, people with massive financial power, world leaders, and die-hard humanitarians and idealists have to settle on some things.

 

Even the strongest married couples I know of have had their hard times and could be viewed as settling on some of their partners' qualities.

 

So I think I have a whole lot more to learn on this subject. I haven't even begun to "figure it out" - if that's possible.

[somedude81]

I've been thinking about this subject. A poster PMed me asking me to compare the behavior of the guy who was crazy about me versus the guy who gave me the impression he was settling.

 

But as soon as I started making the lists, I realized there were a lot of factors behind those simple facts that told more of the story.

 

I'm a deep thinker, and I've read a lot about human relationships, psychology, and so on. But I think the concept of settling versus not settling is a complex one that I don't have a great handle on yet. In reality, I think most people the world over could be classified as "settling", not just in love but in most things - work, home, friendships, health. Hell, most people are just trying to survive. I don't think there's ANYONE who doesn't settle on some things. Even royalty, people with massive financial power, world leaders, and die-hard humanitarians and idealists have to settle on some things.

 

Even the strongest married couples I know of have had their hard times and could be viewed as settling on some of their partners' qualities.

 

So I think I have a whole lot more to learn on this subject. I haven't even begun to "figure it out" - if that's possible.

That's why I said that there is nothing wrong with men settling way back on the first page.

 

People have to settle with many things in life, or they would have nothing.

[iris219]

I think it all depends on how you define "settling." I define it as being with someone you don't really want to be with, either because you aren't attracted to them or you don't like/respect them. I think that's wrong, and it's something that will slowly kill you (in a soul sucking sort of way). Seriously.

 

It's true that we all end up with people who are flawed, but these flaws won't be deal breakers when we genuinely want to be with someone. Being with someone flawed isn't not settling; it's life.

 

I would say men are slightly less likely to settle than women are. How men start relationships with women who they can barely get it up for or who they find incredibly annoying? The women I know do this all the time. I have female friends who are shocked and annoyed that I'm so happy with my BF because they all settled in order to have stability and a family.

[Imajerk17]

How we know someone is settling for us... This is my theory:

 

Actually we as human beings have a very tough time masking our emotions. In fact (to put it in scientific terms) we exchange information with our bodies at rates far too high for our conscious minds, both to control AND to pick up. We are doing a lot of communication via our subconscious minds and bodies.

 

We don't think "well I see that his shoulders are tilted like 10 degrees relative to the horizontal plane and his jaw muscles look partially clenched and his rate of speaking is 25% faster than the median and his hands are clasped in front of him so I think he's nervous". We instead just get the impression someone is nervous without being able to rattle off the specific details that cued us in.

 

Here's another example. We can type at a decent pace right? Well close your eyes and tell me the layout of your keyboard. Tough huh. So how are we able to type so fast?

 

I think the same thing is going on as to how someone feels about you. You just pick it up, not via your conscious mind but instead via your subconscious and your body.

Edited March 5, 2013 by Imajerk17

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't define settling in the same way others do. It's not about getting someone else who is hotter or makes more money or whatever.

 

Settling is having a relationship with someone you are not in love with.

 

It's about what you feel, rather than lists of qualities and assets.

[somedude81]

To me, settling is being OK with something that isn't your number one choice.

 

Some people are perfectly fine with that. Others won't be happy till they get their number one.

[iris219]

To me, settling is being OK with something that isn't your number one choice.

 

Some people are perfectly fine with that. Others won't be happy till they get their number one.

 

When you love someone, and I mean really love them, they are your number one choice.

 

If they aren't, well, that's just sad. I understand that there are better looking, smarter, richer, funnier people than who we end up with. When you're in love, you won't want the better looking, smarter, richer, funnier people, and if you do, then you need to evaluate whether or not you need to be with the person you're with. I'd say you don't need to be with them if you're constantly lusting for a girl whose "better."

[Eternal Sunshine]

What iris said.

 

To me, being in love with someone and at the same time feeling that someone else would be your no 1 choice is not possible.

 

So when people start going on to me about being too picky and how everybody settles to some extent, I just tune out...

[somedude81]

When you love someone, and I mean really love them, they are your number one choice.

 

If they aren't, well, that's just sad. I understand that there are better looking, smarter, richer, funnier people than who we end up with. When you're in love, you won't want the better looking, smarter, richer, funnier people, and if you do, then you need to evaluate whether or not you need to be with the person you're with. I'd say you don't need to be with them if you're constantly lusting for a girl whose "better."

I'm not talking about love at all.

 

I'm pretty sure the OP wasn't either.

Ive posted on here before most men dont have the options to obtain their dream girl (looks and personality wise) so they settle for the best they can get.

 

If you want to bring love into this, here's how I'd see it.

 

Lets pretend there are 10 girls I want to ask out. The first girl I ask out is the one I'm interested in the most, the second the second most and so on. Girls 1-9 all reject me and I'm down to number 10 whom I'm barely attracted to. Hell, lets say she comes on to me and I'd rather be with her then be alone. That is how I'd see settling for somebody.

 

Although! There is no reason why I wouldn't be able to fall in love with her. There are thousands of reasons why I could fall for somebody after spending enough time with them.

 

So it's possible to be in love with somebody one feels they settled for.

[xxoo]

So it's possible to be in love with somebody one feels they settled for.

 

Not the way I love!

[somedude81]

Not the way I love!

Thanks for disregarding all logic that I had used

[iKING]

Thanks for disregarding all logic that I had used

 

There's hardly anything logical about love