Do you agree that most men "settle" when getting a girlfriend?

[xxoo]

whoever I choose to be with, to me they are my dream guy just because they are themselves, I love them heaps, and I wouldn't want to change a single thing about them. I don't hold them up to an ideal, I look to see things that are prefect that are already there.

 

I don't hold my partner up to an ideal, either. There is no "dream person" in my mind at all. He has certain strengths and other weaknesses, as do I. Because I love him, his strengths seem more important than his weaknesses. If I were in love with another guy, my ideal would be different and more along the lines of his strengths and weaknesses.

[Leigh 87]

I completely agree with this. I am just not sure how I can ever be happy with a boyfriend knowing what I know now?

 

I grew up with a brother and he always had male friends. Many times I overheard their conversations and they made me which partly led to my mistrust of men.

 

They were all average/kind guys too and not players or anything. Even my brother who is a sweet guy, never cheated, always in LTRs - possibly the best you can hope for..First 6 months with his current gf he was bothered by the fact that she isn't that pretty. He liked her body but not her face and he went on and on about it. Wondering if he can do better. He confided in me at length. He was embarrassed to introduce her to his friends and he even didn't want to introduce her to me. Eventually, because he is inherently lazy and nothing better came along within those first 6 months, he committed. They have now been together for 3 years and he will most likely marry her. Yet I am sure if this girl knew his true thoughts about her, she would be pretty devastated. Luckily, she will never know. Sigh

 

 

 

But if he really fell in love with her, he would not care about her face by now.

 

How are most average looking men supposed to necessarly find super attractive girls? Who they look at and think wow they are pretty, I am so lucky?

 

Most people are not that attractive; please explain how some average looking people have very loving partners, who they would NOT trade, because they are seriously in love with them?

 

Average or unapplealing looking couples can be just as in love as attractive couples.

If given a magic wand, sure, some loved up couples may alter one or two bad/ugly features about their partner (very bad teeth, for instance) but it is not because they do not love them as much as a more attractive person.

 

Without the magic wand or money to change their ugly looks, these couples are still attracted enough to each other sexually, and they still are in love at the end of the day..

[Dusk1983]

If you are thinking about if you can do better, that's bad.

 

No, it's human nature.

[Eternal Sunshine]

And it is not beautiful and encouraging that your brother learned to love his girlfriend besides her lack of pretty face?

 

No, because I believe he is mostly with her due to inertia and habit rather than love. My brother is a serial monogamist that can't be alone for 2 seconds.

[Soxfaninfl]

No, it's human nature.

 

You don't think this way if your happy and in love with someone.

[xxoo]

You don't think this way if your happy and in love with someone.

 

The capacity to deeply love may separate the settlers from the non-settlers.

[ascendotum]

And it is not beautiful and encouraging that your brother learned to love his girlfriend besides her lack of pretty face?

 

Many here would like to think that's an admirable outcome. If he fell deeper in love with her personality over time and realized other aspects to the relationship counted more in the long run then her beauty and a deeper bond from shared experiences developed and he treated her like gold, that would be ideal outcome. Maybe he just got comfy having a gf, and hated being single and looking, and he treats her well, and she treats him well, and they are content. Still not such a bad outcome. Even if the old thoughts turned over in his mind every now and then I don't think that would be an evil thing as long as he never reflected any misgivings in the way he treats her. I don't think her brother's initial feelings over her looks are terrible, as long he treats her wonderfully. The bond is more than skin deep. If he takes her for granted or there is a sense of resentment still that he deserved better, then bit of a different story.

 

There has been some good posts here. Looking at my friends that got hitched post 30, I sense most have settled in a way. Guys I know who were not a smash hit with women, I know have, simply because I know the sort of women they fancied when we hung out. The thing is they seem happier in the relationships than their missus. I'm convinced most of them think they also have settled just from the vibe they give off. Despite both having settled I am sure, I sense the men are more contented about it and I think it comes from the fact that men are more depressed being single than women and women are less happy being in relationships then men.

 

I also have noticed over the years that women more so than men, benchmark their partner with the best of their friend's husbands/bfs (not in looks but in their accomplishments or relationship duties) than men do with their wives/gfs, and I think a level of I deserved better can seep in because of that. (just a generalization) That comes a little further along in the relationship. I am sure women will say the equivalent will happen to them over their figures.

Edited February 26, 2013 by ascendotum

[kimberlydoll]

I'm fully aware of how a lot of women speak about men when they aren't around. I know for a fact that in many cases it's just as harsh. And yet, the world keeps turning, doesn't it? The fact that women are more harshly critical of men when not in their presence doesn't make me distrust them. If they aren't fully happy with their relationships and not taking steps to either fix them or get out of them, it's their loss.

 

I can honestly say Ive never said crap like that abou any of my exes, even when our relationship wasnt going well. When I complained it was minor things that every relationship has.

[Bristolius]

Thought experiment:

 

If you wanted an ordinary friend (not a lover or spouse) how would you get one?

Would you make a list of personality traits and red flags? Would you try to determine your value as a person and calculate what you are entitled to get? Would you spend time worrying about getting the best possible friend?

 

Or would you go out into the world and interact with people, as you find them, one at a time, and try to create connections and build up shared experiences?

[ascendotum]

I can honestly say Ive never said crap like that abou any of my exes, even when our relationship wasnt going well. When I complained it was minor things that every relationship has.

 

I have not heard that many women bag their current bfs. Long term married wives when it comes to their husbands, hmm then its a bit different then (but its usually not nasty).

More so they bag their exes or men in general (more so when single) or other single guys in their social network (more so when single). Usually when its not in a formal setting and they have had a couple of drinks, and there is not too many guys around and its mostly the gf committee.

[man_in_the_box]

I think it’s really off to state that one gender is more prone to feeling settled or otherwise feel the relationship is lacking. What you have your opposite friends heard discussing, either aware of your presence, is irrelevant. These things happen all the time or not between people and is more dependent on character and individual than gender.

 

Moreover if I really had to define a difference in aspects related to giving a partner a shot and feeling settled I’d have to say I believe it is easier for men to find a wider range of women attractive and feel they are compatible while women, while more critical initially, are more able to fall deeply in love with some average joe. I could be completely off but that is what convinces me.

 

Furthermore I think settling is more a gray area than it being divided between being completely infatuated by your partner and them feeling grossly inadequate to you. I suppose there’s people that feel they settled even if they got a pretty sweet deal and that there are people that do not think they settled with the opposite situation. And all sort of degrees and varieties in between. It’s possible to know what you have is good enough and be actually happy about it. Sure it is not the envisioned Nirvana, but hey. It’s something. We accept all sort of middle-ground solutions in our life, is it that out there to do the same for relationships? We cannot have it all – it is not that bad to live with what you have.

 

I think settling is subtituted for normal relationship interactions too much on this thread.

[Monm82]

As I've said before: Most guys love hot women, and would love to have hot women. Most are realistic, though. Most men don't have the same kind of options women do. Most men will just take what they can get.

[kimberlydoll]

As I've said before: Most guys love hot women, and would love to have hot women. Most are realistic, though. Most men don't have the same kind of options women do. Most men will just take what they can get.

 

Which is exactly why most feel they are settling...

[ltjg45]

Which is exactly why most feel they are settling...

 

The only way a guy is truly settling is when he is not loving you as if you are really his dream girl/dream wife.

 

I'm sure I will settle way before I turn 30. But you know what? I don't care because, as far as I'm concerned, she is my dream girl and I will treat her as such.

 

Besides, just because I want a female who is hotter and more successful than me doesn't mean that I can just go get them. This doesn't include what those women wants out of their mates, which could be completely different from the women that I'm "settling" with.

[kimberlydoll]

The only way a guy is truly settling is when he is not loving you as if you are really his dream girl/dream wife.

 

I'm sure I will settle way before I turn 30. But you know what? I don't care because, as far as I'm concerned, she is my dream girl and I will treat her as such.

 

Besides, just because I want a female who is hotter and more successful than me doesn't mean that I can just go get them. This doesn't include what those women wants out of their mates, which could be completely different from the women that I'm "settling" with.

 

You sound like a peach and a very lovely guy.

 

Very few men treat their gf like a dream girl...they do exist but they are so hard to find. If all the settling men did that this thread would never exist

[joystickd]

You sound like a peach and a very lovely guy.

 

Very few men treat their gf like a dream girl...they do exist but they are so hard to find. If all the settling men did that this thread would never exist

 

You believe its hard to find. The reality is different

[Negative Nancy]

Woogle, I still like men very much - I just don't trust them. At all.

 

I often wish I wasn't exposed so much to those ugly truths. Some things are better left hidden. I wish I could be like those people that still believe in unicorns.

 

 

It's not so much the "settling"-part itself...although that is already insulting enough.

 

It's the undeniable risk that if the "dream woman" comes along his way one day, the man who settled may very well leave the woman for his "real type", or at the very least cheat on her.

 

That's why you shouldn't be with someone who merely settled for you.

 

And I agree that overhearing the typical male talk is disheartening and sickening. From what I have heard by eavesdropping, most men bitch about their average partners (of course they appreciate someone to wash their dirty socks and cook and clean for them), but would love to bang porn star lookalikes, hookers and "hot" women in general on the side.

 

I guess seeing men as walking ATM machines and height objects has its justifications when you know that men don't appreciate your human qualities either.

[Jane2011]

I'd have to agree that there are plenty of men who treat the woman they are with like a 'dream girl.' I've had it happen to me a couple of times, including the relationship I am in now. I've never felt so secure in a situation as I do now because he totally focuses on me and only me.

 

I'm aware that most men -- even my own bf -- have ideas in their mind of an 'ideal woman' (physically and in other ways) and often that woman is a very hot one and maybe an off-the-charts intellect. But if you're lucky, you'll find a guy with whom you never actually perceive or feel any 'settling' on his part, because he won't show it, it won't be at the forefront of his consciousness, and it won't involuntarily 'leak out' in his behavior toward you, etc.

 

I think most people can feel it in their gut when they are being settled for. There are also tell tale signs in the behavior of their mate.

 

If you can't feel it or perceive it at all, don't think it's "just because he/she is good at hiding it" and torture yourself with the idea that his dream girl is someone else, or her dream guy is someone else, and that he/she is just being practical and taking what he/she can get.

 

In my opinion, humans aren't that great at hiding their dissatisfaction, annoyance, or lack of feeling.

 

So if you can't even perceive it in your partner, there's a good chance that the degree to which he/she is 'settling' is very, very small, or that he/she doesn't feel very strongly that he is settling in the first place.

 

I doubt I'm my boyfriend's dream girl, honestly. But as I mentioned in my earlier post, that makes his loving me even all the more remarkable.

 

I actually don't want to be anybody's dream girl, anyway, at least not in that 'perfect goddess' way. I'm more comfortable with the idea of a guy being head over heels with me but seeing me as real, flawed, even unappealing in some strange ways.

[Ruby Slippers]

I left my last boyfriend because it felt like he was trying to settle for me.

 

We did have a fair number of differences (he's pretty conservative, and I'm more free-spirited), and I was able to explain away the things bothering me for a while with evidence related to that: he's not expressive (true), he's practical and not romantic (true), he's realistic and has an old man soul (true).

 

But I rarely felt totally comfortable in the relationship, because I felt like he wasn't crazy about me, whereas I was totally crazy about him. I felt like I'd be the luckiest girl in the world to live a long, happy life with him. I felt that he inspired my greatness like no one I've ever met. He's gorgeous, brilliant, caring, good-hearted, tall and masculine, cultured, hard-working, sexy, sweet, a capable handyman, good cook, good with kids, a high earner with impressive career, strong leader - everything that women want. Wherever he goes, people respond to him as the leader, and he handles that calling with relative humility and grace. He gave strong signals that he was ready to make a big commitment with me, and due to conservative religious upbringing and lack of experience, I doubt he'd ever go back on a commitment like that, given his conservative nature.

 

Jackpot, right?

 

But not quite. I've never been about "the money". I'm all about the love.

 

My theory is that he went for a few girls he really liked early on, but when he was rejected, dialed it back to girls he liked enough, but wasn't crazy about.

 

I told him I'd be friends with him after a period of no contact, and he just got in touch with me again the other day. So far, the tone is friendly.

 

If we ever have another serious talk, I'm going to tell him explicitly what I think. I pretty much told him during the breakup process, but I came at everything a bit sideways because it was so painfully honest and uncomfortable.

 

I'm going to tell him that he CAN get a girl he's crazy about, and I think he'll be better off going for that. I'm going to encourage him to be brave in going for what he wants, instead of being timid and making the relationship and the girl bear the burden of his halfheartedness. That's really not fair to himself or his partner.

 

I understand that rejection hurts - but a lot of things in life hurt.

 

Personally, no matter how much I stood to benefit, I wouldn't have been happy seeing this amazing guy who can do anything settle into a complacent life that wasn't really firing him up. That would just kill me.

[kimberlydoll]

I'd have to agree that there are plenty of men who treat the woman they are with like a 'dream girl.' I've had it happen to me a couple of times, including the relationship I am in now. I've never felt so secure in a situation as I do now because he totally focuses on me and only me.

 

I'm aware that most men -- even my own bf -- have ideas in their mind of an 'ideal woman' (physically and in other ways) and often that woman is a very hot one and maybe an off-the-charts intellect. But if you're lucky, you'll find a guy with whom you never actually perceive or feel any 'settling' on his part, because he won't show it, it won't be at the forefront of his consciousness, and it won't involuntarily 'leak out' in his behavior toward you, etc.

 

I think most people can feel it in their gut when they are being settled for. There are also tell tale signs in the behavior of their mate.

 

If you can't feel it or perceive it at all, don't think it's "just because he/she is good at hiding it" and torture yourself with the idea that his dream girl is someone else, or her dream guy is someone else, and that he/she is just being practical and taking what he/she can get.

 

In my opinion, humans aren't that great at hiding their dissatisfaction, annoyance, or lack of feeling.

 

So if you can't even perceive it in your partner, there's a good chance that the degree to which he/she is 'settling' is very, very small, or that he/she doesn't feel very strongly that he is settling in the first place.

 

I doubt I'm my boyfriend's dream girl, honestly. But as I mentioned in my earlier post, that makes his loving me even all the more remarkable.

 

I actually don't want to be anybody's dream girl, anyway, at least not in that 'perfect goddess' way. I'm more comfortable with the idea of a guy being head over heels with me but seeing me as real, flawed, even unappealing in some strange ways.

 

1) I have never had a relationship like that. I dont pick obvious jerks to date either. All of them were nice in the beginning then treated me like crap after we became boyfriend/girlfriend

2) Most of the men around me also "leak it out" like you say

3) Totally agree but guys on here say most women are clueless

4) Agree 100% but the men I meet and have near me do not.

[Negative Nancy]

the things a man says to your face is not what he says behind your back or to his friends, never assume you always know how a many feels and thinks, always take things with a grain of salt. Until a man is consistent and proves he is trustworthy never give him your whole heart and trust, never expect a man to love you the way you love him just because you feel like it's there and something special. I know plenty of guys who would take advantage of that if they have the ability to, so imagine that guys who do have it.

 

This is also shown with the "nice guys", once they get to know you, and you give them that confidence boost...sometimes you create a monster, now this guy thinks he can go out and "play the field" because he thinks he's hot stuff now.

 

I'm sorry ladies, but you just can't trust men....they'd rather avoid conflict, tell you what you want to hear, or only be honest about some things. They're not completely honest and open emotionally and they'll just lead you walk the red carpet of love you so readily and willingly lay out, they basically just have to hold your hand.

 

Communication is your only method of fully understanding a man, and why do you think men avoid communicating? hmmmmm, you think they're just non-expressive? then why don't I have any problems?

 

 

So how does a woman know that a man is sincere and not settling?

[ThaWholigan]

So how does a woman know that a man is sincere and not settling?

And also, how does a man who is sincere and not settling (or at least trying to be) deal with being lumped in with the rest?

[Ruby Slippers]

So how does a woman know that a man is sincere and not settling?

You know. I've been with one guy who was truly head over heels for me, and it was blatantly obvious in everything he did. (It didn't work out because his family was crazy and interfering - but we are still good friends, and if anything major happened, we'd have each other's backs.) If I hadn't experienced real love before, I might still be with the last guy. But now I know.

 

And also, how does a man who is sincere and not settling (or at least trying to be) deal with being lumped in with the rest?

If you really are crazy about a girl and show it, that's all you need to do.

 

And I think Ninja's portrayal of men is a bit doomsday. I personally know of a few men who are over the moon in love with their spouses of 10+ years. Those spouses aren't perfect, but they are perfect for their partner. Those couples sometimes have this glow around them. You can't hide real love.

[IndianGuy87]

Aren't women more likely to do that? In younger years they go for the most attractive or tall guys they can get to fulfill their sexual needs and then when they get older they end up going for the ones with the most money they can get regardless of his average looks due to lack of attractive or tall men available for all women to fulfill their financial needs.

[Ruby Slippers]

Aren't women more likely to do that? In younger years they go for the most attractive or tall guys they can get to fulfill their sexual needs and then when they get older they end up going for the ones with the most money they can get regardless of his average looks due to lack of attractive or tall men available for all women to fulfill their financial needs.

I think men and women do it equally.

 

I just had a friend encouraging me the other day to just go on dates with guys I don't even like that much, just to have something to do. She told me she dated this one guy she had no interest in for quite a while, until he just quit calling her.

 

I was just laughing like a loon at this - I mean, it's so far from my nature to behave this way, I can hardly fathom it.

 

But if my friends (relatively sweet girls) are any indication, I'm definitely in the minority. Plenty of people seem pretty OK with just filling dead time and space with something, anything.