Do you agree that most men "settle" when getting a girlfriend?

February 25, 2013

Ive posted on here before most men dont have the options to obtain their dream girl (looks and personality wise) so they settle for the best they can get.

All of my exes were average looking dudes but they were hot to me. I also really liked their personalities or the ones they displayed in the beginning before they changed months later down the line. I dont think Im always looking for the "best thing" objectively out there. With my last ex I had a cuter guy who I worked with who made constant moves on me and generally tried to get into my heart. He also had a better career than my ex but since I was happy with my ex, I didnt entertain the thought of dating him.

Im trying to not be cynical, but I have struggled with this notion that most men have to "settle." Its a huge reason why I think getting a boyfriend is a bit of a waste of time. Why should I tie myself to someone who feels they can always do better? Its pretty disappointing and disheartening to me to hear my average-guy friends the way they talk about their wives/girlfriends when they arent around and they can be completely honest. These guys arent jerks either, they are your typical average joes.

I think alot of the stuff woman post about their dates and boyfriends on this site boil down to the fact that their boyfriends arent completely satisfied with him and are with them for other motives (mostly that they like having a girlfriend, cant be alone, external validation sort of thing).

Just to clarify, by settling I mean you have a girlfriend but you are not completely happy with her. You would most likely leave her if someone slightly better came along and you were very sure that person felt the same way. I am not talking about falling madly in love with an average looking woman and any hotter woman who walks by isnt more appealing. (I have yet to meet a guy who has done that this by the way.)

So if I am being too cynical, please inform me so.

February 25, 2013

I think these days most people feel they settled. The key word being people.

February 25, 2013

I really think you're too cynical if your own experiences are enough of a reason to conclude that "most" men settle. Setting aside that there's clearly a problem when it comes to defining "settling" for individuals as it is not written in stone whether someone feels like they're settling or not even if they do by societal standards.

Would it be better to rephrase "are men averagely less happy with their relationship than women"?

February 25, 2013

I really think you're too cynical if your own experiences are enough of a reason to conclude that "most" men settle. Setting aside that there's clearly a problem when it comes to defining "settling" for individuals as it is not written in stone whether someone feels like they're settling or not even if they do by societal standards.

Would it be better to rephrase "are men averagely less happy with their relationship than women"?

You are so smart and please get out of my head.

Yes it would. Women settle too so I agree with Woggle but in my experience (and thus, enlighten me if this hasnt been your experience) women tend to be happier when they settle when compared to men.

Edited February 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 25, 2013

I really think you're too cynical if your own experiences are enough of a reason to conclude that "most" men settle. Setting aside that there's clearly a problem when it comes to defining "settling" for individuals as it is not written in stone whether someone feels like they're settling or not even if they do by societal standards.

Would it be better to rephrase "are men averagely less happy with their relationship than women"?

You are so smart and please get out of my head.
Yes it would. Women settle too so I agree with Woggle but in my experience (and thus, enlighten me if this hasnt been your experience) women tend to be happier when they settle when compared to men.

Where have you been? Look at all the unhappily married women these days who divorce their husbands because they fell out of love or cheat on them because of it. Just look at the divorce forum on here.

Edited February 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 25, 2013

You are going to find just as many threads around here about men who feel like women "settle for the best they can get" as from your point of view - and that's WAY too many.

Talking bad about a wife or girlfriend is a crappy thing to do. Your guy friends who do it may not be heinous jerks, but they are probably very immature and if they're basically good people, they will be horrified by this behavior when they grow up. Assuming they ever do.

I advocate the banishment of the concept of "settling" for other people. EVERY relationship includes compromise. No guy is really going to have his "dream girlfriend" and no girl her prince charming. If someone feels like they've "settled" they should do the other person a favor and move on.

In a good relationship, we might be well aware of the compromises we've made and of the flaws in our partner, but we are aware that it's worth it.

February 25, 2013

I think we all settle and the question just becomes how much you'll settle. No one is perfect and everyone can go off their best at times for times. I have two brothers who did the big settle and both are unhappy and never get any sex. I on the other hand bailed on the big marriage-bound relationship in my mid 30's when we were all thinking it's time rather than risk being legally bound to someone who I new would be trouble. I went reckless for quite a few years after that because my relationship was such a disappointment and then time just passed by. But I don't regret living without the weekly conflicts.

February 25, 2013

Answers from females in your last post:

"Seriously, you need a dose of reality. A LOT of women are not attracted to men they marry, just so they can get to have a family before it's too late. Just because you think all marriages and relationships are all about attraction and butterflies doesn't mean they really are."

"Yep, pretty much all my female friends latched on to the first guy willing to comitt when they turned 30. They openly say things like "We don't have great love" or "attraction fades anyway" or "I was looking for a good provider and good father".... Only one married out of genuine attraction and love.

Reality of most relationships is actually quite ugly. At best, most grow to feel lukewarm affection.

I dream of living in society where people didn't settle. It's better than it was 100 years ago"

Which is even worse dragging a man into marriage you dont love just for the sake of a fmaily

February 25, 2013

You are so smart and please get out of my head.
Yes it would. Women settle too so I agree with Woggle but in my experience (and thus, enlighten me if this hasnt been your experience) women tend to be happier when they settle when compared to men.

Not sure if you're trying to insult me but okay. I have witnessed the knife cutting on both edges in real life but I know this doesn't mean much on a larger scale. I'd simply assume there's not too much deviation in the amount of unhappy people in relationships of either gender. But perhaps I'm wrong - I just don't see any indication that it is the way you describe it.

February 25, 2013

Why should I tie myself to someone who feels they can always do better?

I think you are mistaken.

Settling is when they are with you because they feel they cannot do any better.

Still what is wrong with the idea that most men settle? When a guy gets rejected by the woman he really wants, do you expect him to be alone from then on and never try to date another woman?

February 25, 2013

Ive posted on here before most men dont have the options to obtain their dream girl (looks and personality wise) so they settle for the best they can get.

All of my exes were average looking dudes but they were hot to me. I also really liked their personalities or the ones they displayed in the beginning before they changed months later down the line. I dont think Im always looking for the "best thing" objectively out there. With my last ex I had a cuter guy who I worked with who made constant moves on me and generally tried to get into my heart. He also had a better career than my ex but since I was happy with my ex, I didnt entertain the thought of dating him.

Im trying to not be cynical, but I have struggled with this notion that most men have to "settle." Its a huge reason why I think getting a boyfriend is a bit of a waste of time. Why should I tie myself to someone who feels they can always do better? Its pretty disappointing and disheartening to me to hear my average-guy friends the way they talk about their wives/girlfriends when they arent around and they can be completely honest. These guys arent jerks either, they are your typical average joes.

I think alot of the stuff woman post about their dates and boyfriends on this site boil down to the fact that their boyfriends arent completely satisfied with him and are with them for other motives (mostly that they like having a girlfriend, cant be alone, external validation sort of thing).

Just to clarify, by settling I mean you have a girlfriend but you are not completely happy with her. You would most likely leave her if someone slightly better came along and you were very sure that person felt the same way. I am not talking about falling madly in love with an average looking woman and any hotter woman who walks by isnt more appealing. (I have yet to meet a guy who has done that this by the way.)

So if I am being too cynical, please inform me so.

So lets say you drive a car... a nice car, maybe it's a Camry. You know it's a lot better than most cars out there, its reliable, you got a good deal on it without having to go to a hundred shady car dealers.

It gets you to work and back, to go shopping, run errands, all the normal stuff you need to do.

Nothing wrong with it at all but maybe the CD player doesn't work, or you'd really like a car with a sunroof or a spoiler but who cares right...? It's more hassle to have to save for a new better car, pay more insurance, find someone to buy this one, go looking for a good deal on a better car... is it worth it? For most people.... meh, maybe.

But one day you write a spreadsheet and you realise, if you give up this car for 5 years, no insurance, gas, loans to pay. You buy a subway pass and that's all you have for 5 years. You can't go on weekend rides, can't get across town to see your friends or visit family in the next town often, basically you have to give up the comforts of having this OK car....

So you've sacrificed. You have up the comfort and easiness of what you already have. You have to go out and make new friends who are closer to you to hang out with, you need to meet and befriend some car dealers who can help you out on your next purchase... you have to get fitter so you can walk everywhere and carry your groceries 5 miles... you budget ridiculously hard giving up all those things you loved knowing one thing....

...after those 5 years, you can afford that Ferrari with all you've saved. Your dream car.

So there's the story.

Now have you ever seen someone who owns a Ferrari? Yes of course, we've all seen one wizz by every so often in the city. SOME guys out there go and get what they always wanted...

... but look down your average neighbourhood street.... how many Ferrari's do you see? None I bet... but a street full of Camry's, of course.

Is it that hard to understand why men settle? It's just a shame that they do.

February 25, 2013

I don't like to look at things as "settling"...but more "being realistic".

I have been out on dates with some very beautiful women, but found they're all still pining for some alpha/narcissist/bad guy that seemingly excites them more with drama and even the hope of a wild exciting life (versus my more laid-back not-partying-like-a-rockstar lifestyle).

I've noticed how many of these women are insecure, immature, and full of drama/baggage. Very big turnoffs.

When I met my fiance, I first thought she was "ok looking", but I grew to see her as gorgeous mainly because of her personality, her lack of baggage/drama, and how she respected me. Her heart of gold also did much.

Now I see "very hot" women like I used to pursue, but I only see their flaws. The baby daddy who gives her flack, her inability to hold a solid job or make something of herself in life, how she can't hold a conversation outside of celebrities and gossip. How she has no hobbies other than shopping, drinking, and having sex.

I don't look at my fiancee as "settling", but more the ideal mix of physical and intellectual that I wanted in the ideal woman. She's someone who isn't fat and isn't butt ugly, but also isn't a teenager living in a 30something body. Yes she might not wear short little skirts with heels and sexy lingerie like a pornstar, but she also doesn't question the relationship when she has a bad day...and doesn't ignore when I had a bad day, but comforts and consoles me.

We all spend our youth looking for a shiny diamond in a pile of stones, but men and women tend to only look at the easier-to-see things. We men want the hot, slender, sexy, gorgeous woman who is amazing in bed and might also have an education and career. Women want the tall, handsome, educated successful male who does exciting things in his life.

We search and search and fail many times because we fail to see beyond those simple things...but then we finally get clarity, and then you meet Mr or Ms Right. I know I met my Ms Right when I finally gained clarity in my life.

"Settling" is when you want something more but take something less. Finding clarity is when you take something that you see as ideal for the long haul.

February 25, 2013

Just to clarify, by settling I mean you have a girlfriend but you are not completely happy with her. You would most likely leave her if someone slightly better came along and you were very sure that person felt the same way. I am not talking about falling madly in love with an average looking woman and any hotter woman who walks by isnt more appealing. (I have yet to meet a guy who has done that this by the way.)

So if I am being too cynical, please inform me so.

So are we going by looks only? Or both? The statement I bolded makes me wonder.

As far as "settling" goes, I think many many people "settle". By which I mean they figure it's not worth the time and effort to find someone who meets every single one of their laundry list of desired traits (if such a person even exists) and they find someone who is "good enough", but whom they still love.

Personally, I once fell in love with an average looking woman (I'm still in love with her I think, despite years of no contact and thousands of miles of distance). She wore hardly any makeup, never dressed up, owned only two pairs of shoes (by which I mean actual shoes not sandals or heels or any of that). Yet her personality, her way of carrying herself, etc. was just sexy. I don't know why. Despite the fact that she broke my heart I'd still pass up a stereotypical "hot" girl for a chance with her.

February 25, 2013

I think you are mistaken.

Settling is when they are with you because they feel they cannot do any better.

Still what is wrong with the idea that most men settle? When a guy gets rejected by the woman he really wants, do you expect him to be alone from then on and never try to date another woman?

I don't expect such a guy to be alone for the rest of his life - that's up to him. But I certainly expect any self-respecting woman to steer vastly clear of any guy who is dating her because he feels like he can't "do any better" than her!

:sick::sick:

February 25, 2013

Ive posted on here before most men dont have the options to obtain their dream girl (looks and personality wise) so they settle for the best they can get.

All of my exes were average looking dudes but they were hot to me. I also really liked their personalities or the ones they displayed in the beginning before they changed months later down the line. I dont think Im always looking for the "best thing" objectively out there. With my last ex I had a cuter guy who I worked with who made constant moves on me and generally tried to get into my heart. He also had a better career than my ex but since I was happy with my ex, I didnt entertain the thought of dating him.

Im trying to not be cynical, but I have struggled with this notion that most men have to "settle." Its a huge reason why I think getting a boyfriend is a bit of a waste of time. Why should I tie myself to someone who feels they can always do better? Its pretty disappointing and disheartening to me to hear my average-guy friends the way they talk about their wives/girlfriends when they arent around and they can be completely honest. These guys arent jerks either, they are your typical average joes.

I think alot of the stuff woman post about their dates and boyfriends on this site boil down to the fact that their boyfriends arent completely satisfied with him and are with them for other motives (mostly that they like having a girlfriend, cant be alone, external validation sort of thing).

Just to clarify, by settling I mean you have a girlfriend but you are not completely happy with her. You would most likely leave her if someone slightly better came along and you were very sure that person felt the same way. I am not talking about falling madly in love with an average looking woman and any hotter woman who walks by isnt more appealing. (I have yet to meet a guy who has done that this by the way.)

So if I am being too cynical, please inform me so.

I'm sorry that the men you've met have given you the impression that men are this way, but we're not all that way. I personally want to fall in love again, and get married. I want to be with one women for the rest of my life. I would give anything for this. I thought I had that, but my wife left me after 11 years of marriage for another man. I'm tired of dating to be honest. I prefer girls in my league. I like average girls with good personalities and are out going. I never thought about leaving my wife even during the bad times. My love for her never dwindled even when she threw me away. If I'm not happy then I would just end the relationship. I don't hang around just to be with someone. Believe me I don't want to be alone, but it's not worth being with someone your not compatible with.

February 25, 2013

I don't expect such a guy to be alone for the rest of his life - that's up to him. But I certainly expect any self-respecting woman to steer vastly clear of any guy who is dating her because he feels like he can't "do any better" than her!

:sick::sick:

I assume an intelligent guy would keep that fact a secret. That's usually the smart way to go...

February 25, 2013

Settling to me is being with someone youre not in love with just for the sake of being in a relationship..

Too many people look at settling as not having a 10

February 25, 2013

Thread and others like it hinge on a semantic split hair. Of course, I would like to travel through time and space in the blink of an eye, am I then -settling- when I drive a car or even fly on a plane?

Most people's expectations and choices in life, including dating and mating, are tempered by what is reasonable. Tending to apply the term "settling" to that natural, normal process may indicate Cinderella thinking. So no I don't agree with OP statement.

February 25, 2013

Answers from females in your last post:

"Seriously, you need a dose of reality. A LOT of women are not attracted to men they marry, just so they can get to have a family before it's too late. Just because you think all marriages and relationships are all about attraction and butterflies doesn't mean they really are."

"Yep, pretty much all my female friends latched on to the first guy willing to comitt when they turned 30. They openly say things like "We don't have great love" or "attraction fades anyway" or "I was looking for a good provider and good father".... Only one married out of genuine attraction and love.

Reality of most relationships is actually quite ugly. At best, most grow to feel lukewarm affection.

I dream of living in society where people didn't settle. It's better than it was 100 years ago"

Which is even worse dragging a man into marriage you dont love just for the sake of a fmaily

Yeah that is insane. I cant imagine being married to someone Im not attracted to. I once tried to date a guy I wasnt attracted to when I was young and after 3 months I felt I was going insane. I dont think Ill end up that way- I actually like being single so if I never got married it wouldnt make me desperate in that way.

Maninthebox, I wasnt insulting you. You just put into words better what I was thinking

February 25, 2013

I assume an intelligent guy would keep that fact a secret. That's usually the smart way to go...

Statements like this is the reason why Im posting this thread. I feel most men do feel they are settling, a lot of them wont admit it though. I am less trusting of men now and prob if I get into a relationship, will never feel he is really all that into me.

I overheard these guys saying things and they had no idea I was in the next room. I feel sorry for their wives/girlfriends

February 25, 2013

Men tend to never be satisfied. Ive never gotten why women get the bad reputation for that. Men just arent as vocal and communicative about this topic

February 25, 2013

Statements like this is the reason why Im posting this thread. I feel most men do feel they are settling, a lot of them wont admit it though. I am less trusting of men now and prob if I get into a relationship, will never feel he is really all that into me.

I overheard these guys saying things and they had no idea I was in the next room. I feel sorry for their wives/girlfriends

I assume it goes the same the other way too though. How many guys have wives who wouldn't leave them for Channing Tatum or Tom Brady or whatever celebrity or otherwise great looking guy?

It's a catch-22.

February 25, 2013

That is suh a negative way to look at things. If that is your logic then technically everyone is always settling. How many people do you know that have thurr dream house, or their dream job, or their dream car? More likely than not, life would just be one big sucky settle.

You can look at life like you said, or you can do what most normal people do and feel lucky and blessed to have such things in general, even of thy aren't heir "dream".

People aren't settling... People are just living.

February 25, 2013

That is suh a negative way to look at things. If that is your logic then technically everyone is always settling. How many people do you know that have thurr dream house, or their dream job, or their dream car? More likely than not, life would just be one big sucky settle.

You can look at life like you said, or you can do what most normal people do and feel lucky and blessed to have such things in general, even of thy aren't heir "dream".

People aren't settling... People are just living.

Ok, but I dont sit around and lament how I dont have my dream car or my dream house...Im satisfied with what I have...but men seem to do that with women.

February 25, 2013

That is suh a negative way to look at things. If that is your logic then technically everyone is always settling. How many people do you know that have thurr dream house, or their dream job, or their dream car? More likely than not, life would just be one big sucky settle.

You can look at life like you said, or you can do what most normal people do and feel lucky and blessed to have such things in general, even of thy aren't heir "dream".

People aren't settling... People are just living.

Ugh all the typos make me look like an idiot. Stupid phone.

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