richard9 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 to me the worst case scenario of NC is; if they haven't moved on either but they assume from NC that you have moved on and are happy without them, so they move on. but if the both of you knew that each other had not moved on then maybe that would be an initiate for starting a fresh. are there any thoughts on this? is it one of those 'what if's'? would be interested to know what plays on other peoples minds, i myself am struggling to get past this scenario in my head, could use a few words that might get me past this, thanks 1
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 NC IS a tool to help you move on. So, that's what you ARE doing. If she wanted a relationship with you, she would tell you or be there with you. NC should never be used as a way to get your Ex back. Because maybe 1 time out of 100 it actually happens. But, I've also seen that when some Ex's try to come back, we are so far ahead in our healing process, we're not interested in returning to the relationship. We become indifferent to it. 3
Author richard9 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 NC IS a tool to help you move on. So, that's what you ARE doing. If she wanted a relationship with you, she would tell you or be there with you. I understand that, but what if the reason that she is not telling you that she wants a relationship with you is because of NC? because she assumes you have moved on?? NC should never be used as a way to get your Ex back. Because maybe 1 time out of 100 it actually happens. But, I've also seen that when some Ex's try to come back, we are so far ahead in our healing process, we're not interested in returning to the relationship. We become indifferent to it. True, and i'm certainly not going NC to get her back, im doing it to help myself. I think what you are saying is, by using NC and by keeping moving forward I will one day be not asking the above question, something to think about, thankyou
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I understand that, but what if the reason that she is not telling you that she wants a relationship with you is because of NC? because she assumes you have moved on?? Well, that's the point, we ARE moving on. Look, if she was HEAD OVER HEELS in love with you, she would come back. She would be inquiring about you. Asking friends if your dating. If she found out that you're not, she WOULD reach out to you with hat in hand. Showing up at your place and saying, " I'm sorry. I was wrong. I need you back in my life and I will do anything in the world to prove that to you". Anything less than that is nothing more than breadcrumbs. 2
Sososad Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Got agree with the above .. If she wants you bad enough she will come Back it's as simple as that. Mind games and tricking her into missing you .. Trust me they use no contact to sort themselves out and will be way ahead by the the time you realise and it will hurt you more. If you want her and u think you should try talk to her at least give it a try . Don't play mind games they suck Believe me I've a fresh wound right now !
Author richard9 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 If you want her and u think you should try talk to her at least give it a try . Don't play mind games they suck i want her back so bad, but i just cant bring myself to do it, i cant put myself through that pain again. i still dwell in the love we had (or at least i had) and i long for it back so much. but even if the end result was that we were back together again - which would be a long shot at best - deep down i know it would not last because of the person she has become. and with that i feel i am moving on, i just cant help but wonder if she is missing me the same, but is not saying anything because of my NC. but she has text me to meet, but hasnt come close to saying she needs me back, but maybe she wont say that because she assumes i have moved on. its somewhat of a circle. i suppose it does not good to ask 'what if', in moments of weakness you need to focus on FACTS. the facts are she left, she wasnt bothered at the time, she hasnt expressed sorrow or sadness in losing me, she used me towards the end of the relationship, she is now influenced by new friends and media.. something i cannot come close to competing with in her world. thanks for the replies on this one, feel a bit better now
BUBS Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I get what you are saying wondering if your no contact makes them assume they should move on. I don't think it's as black and white as if they were madly in love with you they would be jumping through hoops, yes as a dumper they should take initiative, but we are on a board of thousands of people who are desperate for their ex boyfriends/girlfriends, madly in love... and we are doing the opposite of jumping through hoops, mainly to avoid rejection and maintain dignity, because we rationalize that if they wanted us since they broke it off, that they would knock down the doors if they changed their mind. This is not always true... however it IS what we deserve, and anything less after the pain they caused us is not acceptable. Fact of the matter is everyone handles things differently... my ex fiance broke up with me when we were teenagers, we were seperated for 5 years, talked once or twice a year casually... when we got back together I initiated contact and found out through all of his friends and him that he had been talking about regretting the break up for those 5 years, saying that i was "the one that got away" that he was "madly in love with me"... but that he thought I had moved on and didn't want to cause any further damage, and assumed I hated him. To go even further, I dumped one of my ex's of 3 years, and reconsidered a thousand times in my mind. I still love him to this day to a certain degree, but I never went through with putting myself out there... Like I said, we deserve 100% and dumpers probably can't provide that, but thats not to say that no contact doesn't necessarily push away a potentional reconciliation. The reason no contact is there is because its always up in the air. Wondering if no contact gets your ex over you is the same as wondering if being in contact is hindering your chances for getting your ex back... what will be, will be... there is no wrong or right way, you go the way that makes you feel best... and while no contact is awful, its a hell of a lot worse to continue being destroyed by the one person who holds the most impact on your heart at the moment. This is why we do the total opposite of what we really want to do, going against love and human nature to be loved and validated by playing the most logical card... the most logical card being, they broke it off, they don't want it back. Doesn't mean its true or false, just means it's the most likely scenario,so we go with that. 1
Sososad Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 If u decide to talk and make the contact in a moment of weakness.. Realise the potential hurt and possibly be back to square one.. If u doubt ur able for that maybe leave it for now .... It's not about her or u and her as "us" It's about you only now and u have to look out for you're well been ... The damage breakups do and continued pain is crazy ! 1
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Another thing to consider is that when a dumper dumps us, they've already moved on. They've mourned the loss of the relationship WHILE they were still with us. They just didn't pull the trigger until they were good and ready to do so. Until THEY were ready to walk away. They've already formulate a game plan post you. They never leave untill they have something put together and set up for themselves, another person, another place to stay or a good support network. When they leave, they are well into the healing process and we are still in shock and nowhere near the healing process. Then, sometimes they reach out to us when they are futher along and want to friend zone us for many reasons. They don't miss us romantically, but they miss our friendship. They know they ripped us apart and they finally start to feel guilty about it. So they try to friend zone us to ease their guilt, they're in a new relationship but they're unsure if it's going to work out, so they want you as a back up plan......a number of reasons, take your pick. 2
ScienceGal Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 During NC, I'm waiting for Jake Gyllenhaal, aka my next boyfriend Basically, I'm staying hopeful for the future. Trying to accept being alone for a while. Sometimes I get a little excited when thinking about meeting someone new, someone who will treat me better than ex, and who is more compatible with me. Once you really let go of your ex, your world will expand and you will feel much better 1
Author richard9 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I get what you are saying wondering if your no contact makes them assume they should move on. I don't think it's as black and white as if they were madly in love with you they would be jumping through hoops, yes as a dumper they should take initiative, but we are on a board of thousands of people who are desperate for their ex boyfriends/girlfriends, madly in love... and we are doing the opposite of jumping through hoops, mainly to avoid rejection and maintain dignity, because we rationalize that if they wanted us since they broke it off, that they would knock down the doors if they changed their mind. This is not always true... however it IS what we deserve, and anything less after the pain they caused us is not acceptable. Fact of the matter is everyone handles things differently... my ex fiance broke up with me when we were teenagers, we were seperated for 5 years, talked once or twice a year casually... when we got back together I initiated contact and found out through all of his friends and him that he had been talking about regretting the break up for those 5 years, saying that i was "the one that got away" that he was "madly in love with me"... but that he thought I had moved on and didn't want to cause any further damage, and assumed I hated him. To go even further, I dumped one of my ex's of 3 years, and reconsidered a thousand times in my mind. I still love him to this day to a certain degree, but I never went through with putting myself out there... Like I said, we deserve 100% and dumpers probably can't provide that, but thats not to say that no contact doesn't necessarily push away a potentional reconciliation. The reason no contact is there is because its always up in the air. Wondering if no contact gets your ex over you is the same as wondering if being in contact is hindering your chances for getting your ex back... what will be, will be... there is no wrong or right way, you go the way that makes you feel best... and while no contact is awful, its a hell of a lot worse to continue being destroyed by the one person who holds the most impact on your heart at the moment. This is why we do the total opposite of what we really want to do, going against love and human nature to be loved and validated by playing the most logical card... the most logical card being, they broke it off, they don't want it back. Doesn't mean its true or false, just means it's the most likely scenario,so we go with that. VERY well written and addressed my point precisely, thank you!!! Another thing to consider is that when a dumper dumps us, they've already moved on. They've mourned the loss of the relationship WHILE they were still with us. They just didn't pull the trigger until they were good and ready to do so. Until THEY were ready to walk away. They've already formulate a game plan post you. They never leave untill they have something put together and set up for themselves, another person, another place to stay or a good support network. yes, she did, she knew exactly what she wanted to do and knew where exactly she wanted to go with her new friends and new found 'freedom'. When they leave, they are well into the healing process and we are still in shock and nowhere near the healing process. Then, sometimes they reach out to us when they are futher along and want to friend zone us for many reasons. They don't miss us romantically, but they miss our friendship. They know they ripped us apart and they finally start to feel guilty about it. So they try to friend zone us to ease their guilt, they're in a new relationship but they're unsure if it's going to work out, so they want you as a back up plan......a number of reasons, take your pick. very good words! and i totally agree, i feel she misses the friendship, and she does feel somewhat guilty. makes sense. thankyou!! funnily enough she just tried to ring me, it took everything out of me not to answer, then i went through the, should i text her and say im not happy on the off chance she feels the same, even writing the last sentence makes me want to do it! but i am glad i did not text and tomorrow i feel is a new day and one which i will struggle with less :)
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 by chasing friendship and lobbing "I miss you's" at me left, right and centre, I wouldn't have spent most of today crying.......... it's not good enough to be offered friendship when you love someone. NC is better than this. By a country mile. Or should I say a cuntry mile. That is all! 1
spiritofjosh Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Another thing to consider is that when a dumper dumps us, they've already moved on. They've mourned the loss of the relationship WHILE they were still with us. They just didn't pull the trigger until they were good and ready to do so. Until THEY were ready to walk away. They've already formulate a game plan post you. They never leave untill they have something put together and set up for themselves, another person, another place to stay or a good support network. When they leave, they are well into the healing process and we are still in shock and nowhere near the healing process. Then, sometimes they reach out to us when they are futher along and want to friend zone us for many reasons. They don't miss us romantically, but they miss our friendship. They know they ripped us apart and they finally start to feel guilty about it. So they try to friend zone us to ease their guilt, they're in a new relationship but they're unsure if it's going to work out, so they want you as a back up plan......a number of reasons, take your pick. Not always true, more often than not yes, but certainly not always. For example my current break up; my ex girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago. She has yet to move on, has yet to even hook up with anybody new and still texts me saying she's still confused about what she wants..reasons why is another story. Her support group are also friends of mine, not close where I speak to them, but friends indeed. My point is she genuinely wanted to be alone, be on her own and see if she would be happier with out me bringing her down (again, another story). I'm not saying she's coming back, but not every relationship ends because there is a third party involved. Every person in every couple is different. There are common circumstances to break ups that happen more than others but it's not so black and white. A quick example is me and one ex dated for 8 months, broke up mutually than two months later dated for 5 years. It obviously wasn't over after 8 months like everybody said it was, because of "relationship facts" that are littered on every forum.
Author richard9 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 damn, rereading, im stuck between two statements; my ex fiance broke up with me when we were teenagers, we were seperated for 5 years, talked once or twice a year casually... when we got back together I initiated contact and found out through all of his friends and him that he had been talking about regretting the break up for those 5 years, saying that i was "the one that got away" that he was "madly in love with me"... but that he thought I had moved on and didn't want to cause any further damage, and assumed I hated him. what if this is the case, she assumes i have moved on and hate her?!? she has said nothing of wanting me back, or that she misses me in the texts she sends, but if she assumes i hate her why would she?? Wondering if no contact gets your ex over you is the same as wondering if being in contact is hindering your chances for getting your ex back... what will be, will be... there is no wrong or right way, you go the way that makes you feel best... i would have to text back in order to assess this ive been NC for 3 months now, but i would hate that she may still want to be with me having had her taste of freedom and guys who while she acts that way are only after one thing, and certainly would not care for her. what if she has a boyfriend now though, what if she just wants friendship my gut instinct is to wait just a little longer (even though this may be her last outreach to me) and wait for something which shows that she still cares. just a few last words would really help me here.
cavalier99 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 You are tricking yourself. She is gone and hasn't come back end of story. Stay NC and recover until your indifferent. Your mind will come up all sorts of reasons to break NC. None are good. Cav 2
Author richard9 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 You are tricking yourself. She is gone and hasn't come back end of story. Stay NC and recover until your indifferent. Your mind will come up all sorts of reasons to break NC. None are good. Cav thanks Cav, good reply as ever!! thankyou! 1
cavalier99 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 thanks Cav, good reply as ever!! thankyou! Ha no problem. Listen i know this is tough. I remember the text you got form your other thread. So i can see that you thinking...wow the clock is ticking..i better respond..its now or never. Well it isn't true. Let the clock run out on this text and get back some serenity. Right now your all riled up about it. That is why any contact with them sucks. Even if we don't respond it f*ck us up for days or weeks. We just aren't in a mental state to deal with it and the prospect of rejection again. INDIFFERENCE IS THE GOAL NOW. Stay the course man your doing great. Don't mess up your great progress chasing after a pipe dream. She doesn't deserve you. 1
iouaname Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I think about all sorts of things. "Is he thinking about me?" "What is he thinking about when he thinks about me?" "What is he doing?" but lately, I've been really focusing a lot more on myself and I've been feeling much better. I like the fact that he no longer knows what is going on with me, because it makes me feel that I can live my life without feeling pressure about the situation... 1
cavalier99 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) I think about all sorts of things. "Is he thinking about me?" "What is he thinking about when he thinks about me?" "What is he doing?" but lately, I've been really focusing a lot more on myself and I've been feeling much better. I like the fact that he no longer knows what is going on with me, because it makes me feel that I can live my life without feeling pressure about the situation... I think all of us have done this. I still do on occasion. But I got to say it is really diminishing at close to 5 months NC. Things seem soooo over at this point and so much time has past it becomes such a futile exercise. I'm mean i have no clue what she is doing or thinking. I mean basically it was always futile thinking about this from day 1. But now i KNOW it is futile.. Also with time we just get tired I think of playing these thoughts out. It is hard to think about the same thing day after day month after month. I think out brains just eventually give up with no new stimulti (NC) and the obsessive thinking lessons significantly Edited February 25, 2013 by cavalier99 1
iouaname Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I think that that's the way the human brain works. You're in pain and so you replay these thoughts over and over, but eventually your brain realizes that these thoughts are having a negative affect and so you stop having them as much. I think that's why taking space from your ex is more important than people realize - it allows your brain to process the situation and break the addiction to this person and his or her grasp on you. 2
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