Jb575 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I'm new here, joined to post about this issue and for some honest feedback. I'm in my mid 30's, consider myself to be an attractive woman. My husband is 10 years older; we've been together 4 years. He's a great man--hardworking, sweet, an amazing father, among many other qualities. I am not quick to trust men, but from the start I felt I could trust him. We've begun to build a great life together (a home, kids, etc). My main complaint is not enough sex. We have sex once, maybe twice a week and he says his drive isn't as high as mine. When I was 6 months pregnant with our son (who just turned 2) I discovered that he had been looking at a porn site online. I was crushed. If I wasn't pregnant I may have considered ending the relationship though I knew I loved him then as well as now. Ironically, I had just asked him 2 days prior what really turns him on, in an effort to increase our sex life. I asked if he looks at porn, he said no. I might have been able to get over the deep feeling of betrayal if the content of the porn was different. The links that he viewed were all teenage girls. Mostly anal sex, which I know is his preference. I hate anal sex and feel violated when we do, to the point of tears (he doesn't know that much) but I do it so he is satisfied and interested. He says he is satisfied otherwise and I don't have to, but I just can't get the images of these girls out of my head. I've looked at the site on my own, almost obsessively. He swears he doesn't prefer young girls and that they are all over 18 anyway for legal reasons. Well, at his age of 46 I don't give a crap is the girls are 15 or if they are 20. He was very embarrassed, remorseful, apologetic and explained that a coworker told him to check out the site. Promised never to do it again, and I believe him. I've also checked and more or less monitor his Internet use. I don't know how to move on. He says I haven't forgiven him, and I feel I have forgiven him, I'm just so depressed and anxious about feeling so betrayed. It was an incredible blow to my self esteem and 2 and a half years later I have not recovered. I look at young women when he's not around (and watch his eyes when he is around) and I wonder what he would be/is thinking. I'm driving myself crazy. If he seemed more interested in sex with me I likely would have been able to get over this. I obsess about it and have driven him crazy with my thoughts.
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 No, you haven't forgiven him. And if you have anal sex with him, when it makes you feel the way you do - but you haven't told him - then there is something seriously wrong "With this picture". I would suggest you both agree to Relationships Counselling, and that you yourself attend Individual Counselling because this matter between you two needs resolving, and your way of getting him to have sex with you - even if it's in a way you detest - is absolutely unhealthy for your own self-worth and integrity. You need to get past this porn issue of his. You need to stop agreeing to anal sex - RIGHT NOW. And you need to accept that your sexual desires are frankly, incompatible. So in IC, you need to re-establish your integrity and quit pleasing him in order to feel you have him. In RC you need to resolve this porn issue - and establish precisely where this marriage is going. Because it may even lead to separation. Which while it may seem terrifying and unthinkable right now, may actually, in the long run, be the better option for you both. One thing's for sure: Things cannot possibly continue as they are now. You know this. Why else would you post?
Realist3 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Yes, you are obsessed. It's been 2 years since he looked at a porn site and you are still thinking about it all the time? That just doesn't sound right. Asstated above you haven't forgiven him at all. Individual counseling might be able to help you to stop dwelling on something for this long.
LadyGrey Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Tara gave you some great advice. Also maybe your gut is talking to you and there is more to it than just a few times of looking at porn............an obsession/addiction maybe? He prefers fake/fantasy instead of real? Porn is a problem when it's sought out instead of a connection with the real life woman that he sleeps/lives with. You feel rejected because of his lack of interest in you, perfectly understandable.
dichotomy Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Once a week is in the normal range for many marriages with kids. If you extend that into maybe twice a week sometimes... you are doing okay. How much more would you like it? 46 is around my age, I could handle 3-4 times a week - depending on kids and work energy - but twice a week - would be fine if it was quality sex. You are a giving wife to offer occasional (anal sex) for his needs, even though it is not so good for you. I don't think you should do things that are painful or disgusting to you or make you feel bad about the sex with him - but giving when we don't feel like it - makes for a good marriage. it is also a part of your relationship now and taking it off the plate, might bring issues now. Many married men here have posted about "she used to give XXX when we first got together, now she won't" Porn....There is a long thread on it in the sexuality board. All I can say myself is it is the equivalent of a woman having a vibrator or phallic shaped toy hidden in her undies drawer for when she wants alone time. And yes a few men have accidentally discovered a rather extreme sized toy their wife or GF has hidden - or posted that their wives need the vibrator now to cum - and their feelings of self esteem afterwards. Also whether man or women - our fantasies are often things we would not want in real life - sometimes they are things we really hate if they happened - and would run from if they were offered. I understand some women fantasize about dangerous dark strangers overpowering them and taking them ..... It sounds as though you have work to do on yourself self image, and yes you need to forgive him. 1
KathyM Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I think you're doing some damage to your marriage when you won't let this go. It's been two years since he looked at porn. Men will always be attracted to women who are young and beautiful. You yourself probably can appreciate the look of a handsome man, but it doesn't mean anything to you. You are the woman he wants and loves. You are having sex once or twice a week. For a guy that is mid 40s, that's probably the norm. You are pleasing him in the way he wishes, with anal sex, even if that is not necessarily your preference. I think you're making way too much of this. If he were addicted to porn, or neglecting you, or had an obviously wandering eye, or flirted or showed other women too much attention, you would have reason to question him, but that is not the case. Your jealousy is what is creating a problem in the marriage, not your husband's actions, and you need to get that under control. Accept the fact that he will think young women are attractive, and he may sometimes shoot them a quick glance, but if he's a smart man, he'll be very discreet about it. It's a fact of life, not something to be alarmed about. I think we all take a quick glance at a very attractive person sometimes. If he's paying too much attention, then you might have a problem, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. It's time to let this go and stop being so hypervigilant about it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive.
moomin Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 You need to get over this, seriously it is just porn and dont think he loves you any more or less because of it. We can have the finest fruit at home and we will still go out and look (And only look) elsewhere sometimes its just to feel alive and sometimes and dont take this the wrong way but its the equivilant to a viagra tablet and may be helping his drive. In my experiences with porn, when I was younger I really loved the idea of an older woman, all experienced and well you get the jist, as I get older I actually do appreciate the younger models as well. Does not for a second mean I am not into my wife at all or wish she was younger etc. Move on and be grateful he isn't addicted to porn like a great deal of us.
Recommended Posts