EggyComics Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Hi there, new here. Just gone through a break-up and thought talking about it here might help. My ex girlfriend broke up with me back in December, 2 days after Christmas and only a week after our first year anniversary. I was quite devastated, but before I get to that, I want to first lay down the back story.I was with my ex for one year, but the actual time that we had spent together in person was barely half a year, sounds weird? let me explain (sorry, this could get long): I met my ex when I was studying oversea in Japan, she was in the same language school as I was. We had common friends but rarely hung out until chance happened to bring us together one day. We found out how happy we were to see each other every time we meet and in less than two weeks it was official. However, we only spent another week or so together as my school term had ended and I needed to return to my country. She's from the same country as I am, but she had to stay for one more term for 3 months. I asked her if she'd wait for me and she said yes, and I returned home. That 3 months apart really was sort of bittersweet. We couldn't see each other but we texted, exchanged photos, and called everyday. I thought we built a strong bond over that period of time. I worked hard and prepared to welcome her home, then something happened to me. My retina detached and I nearly went blind in my right eye. I had emergency surgery, had my vision saved, but at the cost of not being able to do much but sit around my house for 3 months. During this time, her school term ended in Japan, so she came back and took care of me. Applied my eyedrops, cleaned my wound, held my hand and took me on walks. Despite of my misfortune, I was so happy to be with her again, and I felt our bond grow stronger. And once I was finally able to do without my eyepatch, things went back to the way they were, we were happily together. Now here comes the tricky part... Even though she had finally come back, I was about to leave again. You see, before I had met her I was applying for a job in Japan. I got the job, that that means having to leave her again. I debated with myself over the job. I had invested so much and worked so hard at it, but now that I had finally gotten it, I felt like giving it up to stay with my ex. Then my ex expressed her wish to join me in Japan. I asked her if she was sure, and she said yes. So we agreed that we'll be temporarily separated for half a year, then we can be reunited in January of this year after she has gotten her working holiday visa. Now you'd probably be thinking, "bad idea, you were together for less than a year and you're already talking about LDR, it'll never work out." I know, I was stupid, but I thought we already had a 3 month experience before of being apart, so half a year would only be double that. Besides, I'm only a 2.5 hour flight away so I can visit once per two months. My romanticism also falsely led me to believe that if we could endure this, our bond will be even stronger. Plus, I also really thought we'd be separated for a year. But only a month after I landed in Japan, troubles began. I encountered some problems and wasn't able to acquire home internet for almost a month later than I had intended. During this period I e-mailed her detailing about my days and told her how I love her everyday, but she acted weird and always replied in less than 3 sentences or sometimes none at all. Finally my internet came, and I was excited to be doing calls and texting with her everyday again, but she seemed to be reluctant to text or receive my calls. I asked her what was the matter, and she said that she was starting to lose her feelings for me during my absence. So to salvage our relationship, I immediately took days off work and flew back to see her. She was happy, really happy to see me. We spent a few days together but I had to return to Japan to work again. I thought I had mended things for now but then she revealed to me that she wasn't going to join me in Japan anymore. I was disheartened, but also told her it'd probably be for the best since I thought it'd be better for her to stay and focus on her career rather than go to Japan to search for part time jobs. I only realized LATER that this meant our 6 months of separation had turned into an entire year of LDR. I was under contract for a year, I could break contract, I really would have for her, but that means being completely irresponsible and I considered that if I ran away at the first sight of trouble, I could never be good enough for her. So I promised that I'll come back to visit once every 2 months, and she agreed to keeping in contact more with skype, texts, and calls. After I went back to Japan, things were good again for a week or two. We skyped almost everyday. Then she stopped coming on skype altogether. After around 2 weeks of no show (we still texted) I asked her why she wouldn't skype with me, and she said that she find it hard to speak on skype because it seems unnatural and that, in fact, she doesn't really like texting or calling too. I was really dumbfounded about why she only told me about this after I had decided to come to Japan. Nevertheless, I had to settle for the fact that I probably would never skype with her again and never turned it on again. But the troubles kept coming, she began asking me questions that put our relationship on doubt such as "are we really right for each other?" or "maybe there is a better girl for you" on a weekly basis. That put me under a lot of strain as I had to painstakingly comfort her every time she becomes like this. And while she feels better afterwards (probably) I felt very stressed and depressed having to ride the emotional roller coaster every week. Anyway, I knew our relationship was in trouble, and she was starting to care less and less. I cried a lot during this time out of hopelessness. I tried so hard to save our relationship, only to see her let go more and more. Finally, I came to term with the fact that when I next visit her last December, it is very likely that we would break up. However, since it was nearing Christmas and our one year anniversary, I decided to still do something for her. She liked Christmas songs, so I recorded 12 tracks myself, burnt them on a CD, and designed and hand-drew a case cover. I also sent her flowers for our anniversary a few days before Christmas. I flew back, dished out $200 on a Christmas dinner, and gave her the CD as the Christmas present. That Christmas eve, and the Christmas day after that, was the happiest and the most confusing day of my life. We were just like before, laughing and hugging and just being happy being with each other again. There was no awkwardness, no sign of any of the troubles before. Having before predicted that we might break up, I had recorded one additional track that I did not burn onto the CD but uploaded it on the web. It was Audrey Hepburn's "Moon River" and she had told me before that she'd marry anyone who sings her that song. I had never sang her that song because I was going to save it for a special occasion, but since I thought I'd no longer get the chance to after this Christmas, I recorded it and added a message at the end telling her how happy I was to have met her and that I will never forget her. I had written that song's download link on a slip and stuck it behind the CD cover, but when I realized I was so happy being with her again, I thought that maybe things will still be alright, so when she went to the toilet, I tore up that slip of paper. So Christmas eve was great, and Christmas day a day later was too. The day after that, though, after having dinner with her and returning though, I received a text message from her saying that she wants to break up with me. People have told me that I really got screwed since she ended things with me using text. But when I got her message I didn't even think that much into it. I must have seen this coming already because while my eyes teared up a bit, I didn't cry, I didn't fight, I didn't do or felt much of everything at the time. I simply sent her the download link of the secret track I had recorded, went home and cried myself to sleep. I thought I had taken the break up pretty up, but I was only fooling myself. I distracted myself with company for a few days, but then the sorrow hit, and I tried to win her back with no success. The day before I had to return to Japan, however, she agree to meet me one more time. It was awkward, at first, but then it returned like before. We still had fun talking and being around each other, just without the hugging and kissing and holding hands. After chatting awhile, I got down to business and told her that I do not feel that she had lost all her feeling for me. I told her that I refuse to believe that what had happened on Christmas eve and day was fake, and that we still love and enjoy being with each other. The only problem, I pointed out, was the LDR. I said that as long as it's LDR, it'll never work out, and proposed that when I come home half a year later and if we are both available, to give us a second chance. She told me she'd give me an answer later, and on the second day before I boarded the flight, I received a text from her saying that she'd wait for me... Happy ending waiting to develop, right? Unfortunately, not so. Her text gave me so much hope...too much hope, that I disregarded the no contact rule completely. I had planned to reduce contact with her as much as possible, but somehow thought that I'd remain close to her, as more of a considerate friend than a lover. That...didn't work so well. I found out just how difficult a one-way love is. I still love and care about her tremendously, but she isn't on the same level as me. Soon, spite, jealousy, discontent settles in, but, more than any, an overwhelming sense of sorrow. It got so bad to the point that I began having suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. While she had given me a second chance, I have great difficulty waiting that long. I only hoped that things would be the way they were, that I'd text her and tell her how much I love her everyday when I wake up and before I go to sleep, and that she'd reply and say the same. But things weren't the same anymore, and I was getting extremely depressed. And because I'm sad, I sought her out for comfort, but found that she doesn't care about me on the same level as she did before. And that got me angry. Why doesn't she care? Didn't I mean something to her before? So I went on a vicious cycle, getting depressed, telling her about it, not getting much sympathy or response from her, getting more depressed about that, rinse and repeat. I was also getting scared about my suicidal thoughts too. I never considered myself as one who would ever hurt myself. But I wanted to escape from this pain and reality so much. I... knew that I could never tell my ex about suicide. It would not win her back, but instead do the opposite and make her more distanced, or even fear me. I knew that this is something that I could never say. But I was so angry and sad. Angry that while I suffer she seems to have already moved on, sad that she doesn't even know or care how much I'm suffering. Two days ago, in a fit of depression and rage, I babbled out how I wanted to commit suicide. I knew I had crossed a line. She probably will never look at me the same way again. She had given me a chance and I felt that I had destroyed it. My depression reached a new height. I cried everyday out of just pure misery and regret. (I actually bawled a bit in the middle of writing this). I know I'm unwell and that I need help. I've read up a lot of advices and talked to many of my friends, but there doesn't seem to be an end to the sorrow. I could not understand why, after trying so hard and meaning to do well, that I would end up in this situation. Sorry this turned out to be such a long read, I had a lot of thing to get out : ( I don't know if I'm seeking advice, or just letting some things off my chest. But well, here it is. If anyone would like to comment or offer something, I'll be very much grateful.
richard9 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Hi, im sorry to hear of the pain you went through and are going through. i read your story and one phrase jumped out at me, one-way love unfortunately, it seems she just didnt love you as much as you loved her. you made so much effort to keep the relationship together through your love for her. unfortunately it wasnt enough. i feel you did everything you could and i hope you see that aswell. i myself was in a very much one sided relationship, unfortunately love blinds us to the possibility that they do not love us as much as we love them. we kind of assume they do and the slightest hint from them such as an 'i love you', we blow up in our own minds to convince ourselves that they love us just as much as we love them. there is of course the distance which didnt help develop the relationship, however dont blame yourself!!! if she truly loved you she would have been willing to go through this to keep the relationship with you. you did everything you could, i hope that fact gives you some peace. god bless and please dont ever think of suicide, there is always hope and people around you who it would hurt, just my thoughts
Author EggyComics Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 you did everything you could, i hope that fact gives you some peace. Thanks for the encouragement, Richard. I do understand that I did everything that I possibly could to try and save this relationship. Though often the questions of 'what if?' still haunts me. What if I never left her? What if I had decided to give up on coming here? I know it's futile to think about these kind of questions. The past is the past, you can't change that. Fate had brought me to where I am now, and it's useless to question it. But despite of knowing this, I'm still haunted by it. I also only recently learned that the reason why she decided not to come join me was because she did not have enough money. While I can't be certain the authenticity of this reason, I kept asking myself that if only I had asked her the reason myself (I never did, I just assumed she thought her career was more important to her at that point), I would have offered to pay for her expenses of coming here and settle in with me. I would have, I have the financial capabilities...I just didn't ask, I didn't know. And now it pains me greatly when I wonder if things would be different if I had just asked her.
richard9 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I also only recently learned that the reason why she decided not to come join me was because she did not have enough money. While I can't be certain the authenticity of this reason, I kept asking myself that if only I had asked her the reason myself (I never did, I just assumed she thought her career was more important to her at that point), I would have offered to pay for her expenses of coming here and settle in with me. I would have, I have the financial capabilities...I just didn't ask, I didn't know. And now it pains me greatly when I wonder if things would be different if I had just asked her. hindsight is a wonderful thing, unfortunately at the time you weren't to know, you really cant blame yourself for that, we are not psychic. try not to dwell on these things they will only bring you more pain. i myself have quite a few 'what if's' running around my head at the moment, i only hope that my mind gets tired of running through the same scenarios over and over again. im sure with time it will. good luck my friend and keep looking forward, whenever a thought looking back on to the relationship comes into your head say to yourself STOP. and go do something productive. just something i do every now and again and find it helps.
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