Brunettie Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I was with my bf of nearly 9 months yesterday when he said he thinks we should break up. It was so unexpected, I literally thought he was joking. *(FYI We didn't break up. We are together. We talked it through and are still bf/gf)* He said I'm not "challenging" to him. He means that I don't like have super in depth conversations with him about stuff. Stuff I'm passionate about. He wants to know what I like and why. An example he gave: I like to read. What do I think makes a good book? What types do I like and why? That one is especially hard because I don't know what I think makes a good book. I'm drawn to so different types and as long as they keep me interested, I like it. And another thing: he said I hang out with his friends, but I'm not super chatty. We've hung out with his friends like 4 times. I am more on the shy side til I get to know the person kind of. And when he and his friend are together..it is them going back and forth almost nonstop. If I wanted to say something I'd probably have to cut one of them off. And that is the part of the reason I don't talk much. It's not an excuse, but still. So: I need help on being more challenging and assertive. One other thing he said was that by 9 months he should have at least some clue as to whether or not I am the one, and right now he has no clue. That really, really hurt..because I had just started thinking about that a few days ago and I can really see him in the long haul.
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Unfortunately that would require reworking of your persona. That is hard to do. True, you should share more of yourself. It's understandable that you are shy. Also, he pointed out all of your flaws. What about his? Also, if someone truly loves you. They will love you for who you are; not for what they envision of you. He should adore your shyness; and you should be more open with your interests. Just not compatible....I guess.
jma500 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I was with my bf of nearly 9 months yesterday when he said he thinks we should break up. It was so unexpected, I literally thought he was joking. *(FYI We didn't break up. We are together. We talked it through and are still bf/gf)* He said I'm not "challenging" to him. He means that I don't like have super in depth conversations with him about stuff. Stuff I'm passionate about. He wants to know what I like and why. An example he gave: I like to read. What do I think makes a good book? What types do I like and why? That one is especially hard because I don't know what I think makes a good book. I'm drawn to so different types and as long as they keep me interested, I like it. And another thing: he said I hang out with his friends, but I'm not super chatty. We've hung out with his friends like 4 times. I am more on the shy side til I get to know the person kind of. And when he and his friend are together..it is them going back and forth almost nonstop. If I wanted to say something I'd probably have to cut one of them off. And that is the part of the reason I don't talk much. It's not an excuse, but still. So: I need help on being more challenging and assertive. One other thing he said was that by 9 months he should have at least some clue as to whether or not I am the one, and right now he has no clue. That really, really hurt..because I had just started thinking about that a few days ago and I can really see him in the long haul. Sounds like there is someone else and he is trying to find an excuse to dump you.
StanMusial Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Sounds like there is someone else and he is trying to find an excuse to dump you. Yeah, the reasons he has given seem sort of shaky and contrived... for whatever reason he is not feeling it though so you should try to get to the bottom of why.
Author Brunettie Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 There isn't someone else. He's not like that, and I even asked. I don't need people to say we're not compatible or whatever, I just would like help on becoming more aggressive and "challenging" I need to be more aggressive in my profession too, I have been told by my mentors that that is holding me back, so it is something I needed to work on regardless. And I've never liked being shy. I don't want to be shy. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but it'd be great if I could be completely..not shy.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Honey you're with someone who wants to change who you are. As a result you're going to be left feeling insecure and second guessing yourself, and constantly worried that you'll find yourself dumped. Your boyfriend is supposed to be supportive and lift you up. He's trying to break up with you. 2
silvermercy Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I don't need people to say we're not compatible or whatever, I just would like help on becoming more aggressive and "challenging" I am JUST like you, extremely shy and not very talkative depending on the person. But this is a case of incompatibility. Sure, you can change, but that's not the point here. Change like this is not easy at all (I know from myself) and none here can help you to that level. The least you could do is find a specialised councillor and read some self-help books for a start. But again, the point remains, you shouldn't have to change for your bf or anyone else. These changes take years to happen, there's no magic pill that will instantly make your bf find you "challenging" enough to be with you... Don't you see anything wrong at all with this picture??
Emilia Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 There isn't someone else. He's not like that, and I even asked. I don't need people to say we're not compatible or whatever, I just would like help on becoming more aggressive and "challenging" I need to be more aggressive in my profession too, I have been told by my mentors that that is holding me back, so it is something I needed to work on regardless. And I've never liked being shy. I don't want to be shy. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but it'd be great if I could be completely..not shy. You should never change yourself for anyone but if you want to seek changes for yourself, that's different. There are lots of assertiveness courses available, ask your mentor to recommend you one.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) You are fighting the inevitable. If someone wants to break up with you, just accept it. Asking for reasons (he'll almost never give you truly honest answers since he doesn't want to hurt you anymore than necessary with blunt criticism), fighting it, crying, promising to change, or otherwise clinging, is just a complete exercise in futility. Not necessarily saying you did all these things BTW. Bottom line: the person has made up his mind, and all you are really doing is prolonging the agony for you. Dating and being in a relationship are about getting to know each other. In the overwhelming majority of cases, one or both of you will decide that the other person is not right. Things end. Life goes on. Doesn't necessarily mean you or your partner is a bad person. It just means you're not good together. You are now one step closer to meeting the right person for you. See it as a positive, not a loss. Breaking up with someone is difficult for dumpers too. No one wants to hurt another person. Be thankful he was somewhat direct. Unfortunately, after a few experiences where the person being dumped fights it and makes it more difficult, some start to choose the indirect approach of disengaging, fading, and disappearing into oblivion without a word. It's in your best interest to accept graciously that he wants to end it rather than dragging this out for weeks or months. In the end, you'll have suffered through uncertainty, negated the real you in your effort to keep him, poured tremendous effort into salvaging something that is already dead, and will still endure the trauma and heartache of a breakup, albeit with a delay of weeks or months . It takes two to have a relationship, but only one to end things. Learn to accept it when things end. You'll heal more quickly, move along to your next experience more easily, and spend more time being happy. The route you have chosen will be very hard on your ego, self-esteem, and heart. I hope you reconsider. Edited February 25, 2013 by Cutiepie1976 2
TouchedByViolet Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I am similar OP. Being a guy I feel like it is even more paramount for me to show those qualities. Some of the things you want can be learned or developed with practice over time but it sure as hell won't happen over night. You are trying to change your personality in a big way. One way to start is by making a list of things you really enjoy to do or are passionate about. Then select one to have a conversation about the next time your bf and you get together. For example lets say you like cooking. Talk about something you want to make for dinner and see what he thinks. Then go into details and talk about what ingredients you like, spices, cooking techniques, flavors, etc. Practice elaborating on conversation topics too. This guy seems like he has already checked out of your relationship though. I am sorry.
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