candie13 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 you know, when you don't really know your partner, when the testing takes place, when you're trying to see if you're compatible emotionally, when you have no idea if you're in it just for sex/fun or maybe willing to give it another shot... I HATE IT! It's been two years - going on my third, since I've been single and still don't have the hang of it. How it went so far? All good, until the first month, month and a half. Dating would go reasonably well, sometimes sex too soon, otherwise at the right moment. What made all my past experiences similar, is that after that month, the guys would do something that would totally piss me off. So I would break it and leave. Nothing really major, but it usually showed that my level of expectation was high and I was there, as opposed to their more relaxed / not that caring or thoughtful attitude. Turn off, I am taking all my toys and leaving. I realize that I may do this because I am unwilling to compromise.. or expose myself. I am a giver and I really don't mind offering - attention, I am generally responding texts on time, keeping my dates, I don't know, normal. And I do expect at least consideration for that treatment. Respect. Level up. Whatever, some guys feel that after a month, their only presence, keeping in touch and continuing to date should be enough. Ok, so level with me, what type of behavior is normal during those first three months? How does the dating evolve - does it evolve? At what point are you doing more than just spending the evening, concerts, making out and spending the nights together? At this point, I feel that I am the one to make more efforts. No, that's wrong, he is making efforts too. But I feel I am there, I am more emotional and he is more... rational. Not really getting involved. I am sure he cares, but I just don't feel that he does, via the way he behaves. I know he is into me, I can feel he is very attracted and he does treat me like I'm his gf. But... I don't know, I am sometimes turned off by him, because he seems very judgemental. He is right, most of the times. But he does not seem to be treating people with kindness. Or cutting them any slack. I don't think I want someone very lovey dovey, but I am a sensitive person and... yeah, zero there, from him. So far. So what I don't know if that's how guys behave - keeping it all together, not letting much show... I mean, I respect that, but I know for a fact that I will not be happy unless he shows me signs of affection - and I am NOT talking about the L word. Of course, I have no idea how legitimate is for me to feel this... but that is where I am. I fall rather fast. I completely understand that I cannot expect him to feel the same way, but I am feeling very tempted to act the same way as I usually do: think we are not on the same page, take my toys and leave. He is nice to me, didn't do anything seriously wrong - except for that St.V sh*t. so yeah, let me know your thoughts on behaviors and "dates", level of emotional involvement... how the radiography of a dating / relationship of 1-2- 3 months that goes well should look like... thanks a lot, guys, cheers
RedRobin Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 People show care and affection in different ways. It is 'normal' for you to want or expect to be valued in the ways you value others. It can take alot of effort to explain to someone what you need to feel valued. If you feel you are becoming resentful after you've 'given' and not feeling things reciprocated, I'd suggest you pull back a little and have a discussion. Also, I need to ask... if you are becoming resentful about the amount of giving, I should wonder if the amount of effort you are putting in is really sustainable in the long run. I agree with being open and giving... but no more than you would to anyone you are just getting to know. Do you do this with friends/acquaintances too? If you feel you aren't getting the guy's true self soon enough, then perhaps a go slow approach might work for you. It is kind of why I prefer dating people through my social circle too... fewer surprises... I dunno about the V-day thing. Holiday expectations are wierdness I avoid, especially with people I don't know well.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) you know, when you don't really know your partner, when the testing takes place, when you're trying to see if you're compatible emotionally, when you have no idea if you're in it just for sex/fun or maybe willing to give it another shot... I HATE IT! It's been two years - going on my third, since I've been single and still don't have the hang of it. How it went so far? All good, until the first month, month and a half. Dating would go reasonably well, sometimes sex too soon, otherwise at the right moment. What made all my past experiences similar, is that after that month, the guys would do something that would totally piss me off. So I would break it and leave. Nothing really major, but it usually showed that my level of expectation was high and I was there, as opposed to their more relaxed / not that caring or thoughtful attitude. Turn off, I am taking all my toys and leaving. I realize that I may do this because I am unwilling to compromise.. or expose myself. I am a giver and I really don't mind offering - attention, I am generally responding texts on time, keeping my dates, I don't know, normal. And I do expect at least consideration for that treatment. Respect. Level up. Whatever, some guys feel that after a month, their only presence, keeping in touch and continuing to date should be enough. Ok, so level with me, what type of behavior is normal during those first three months? How does the dating evolve - does it evolve? At what point are you doing more than just spending the evening, concerts, making out and spending the nights together? At this point, I feel that I am the one to make more efforts. No, that's wrong, he is making efforts too. But I feel I am there, I am more emotional and he is more... rational. Not really getting involved. I am sure he cares, but I just don't feel that he does, via the way he behaves. I know he is into me, I can feel he is very attracted and he does treat me like I'm his gf. But... I don't know, I am sometimes turned off by him, because he seems very judgemental. He is right, most of the times. But he does not seem to be treating people with kindness. Or cutting them any slack. I don't think I want someone very lovey dovey, but I am a sensitive person and... yeah, zero there, from him. So far. So what I don't know if that's how guys behave - keeping it all together, not letting much show... I mean, I respect that, but I know for a fact that I will not be happy unless he shows me signs of affection - and I am NOT talking about the L word. Of course, I have no idea how legitimate is for me to feel this... but that is where I am. I fall rather fast. I completely understand that I cannot expect him to feel the same way, but I am feeling very tempted to act the same way as I usually do: think we are not on the same page, take my toys and leave. He is nice to me, didn't do anything seriously wrong - except for that St.V sh*t. so yeah, let me know your thoughts on behaviors and "dates", level of emotional involvement... how the radiography of a dating / relationship of 1-2- 3 months that goes well should look like... thanks a lot, guys, cheers Really odd, but I have dated a total of 5 guys (including my current boyfriend) for 3 months or more since my divorce) and all have been pretty different. Some were awesome guys, others not so much. With 2 of them things progressed pretty slow emotiOnally, while with 2 others it went fast on their end. My current boyfriend is the only one where things actually just feel natural and where I am not constantly worrying about where we stand. I think there is no define way a relationship should be. With some guys it was seeing rather once a week, talking every day. For others it was spending every moment together. With my boyfriend now things moved ridiculously fast. We were crazy about each other from date 1 and we both have spent all our free time together since. For me, it is exactly what I want and since we are super open and on the se page when it comes to our relationship, we are doing great. Edited February 25, 2013 by miss_jaclynrae
Author candie13 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I am the same with my friends too - and those who are my friends do the same for me. I am not a crazy person, who falls in love with random guys, haha. In my case, the more we see eachother, the more I get attached. Since we are at the beginning, and we sort of see eachother often, you get my small issue. It's not just about my situation, I am wondering how things function in general, when u r not at date 5, but at date 15 or 20 . I cannot talk to the guy, I cannot talk to him about smth that he has built his walls around. I feel a bit stuck, so I'll just give it time. Lots of traveling soon, should do us both some good.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I do want to say that with the guys where things progressed more slowly... They were great! I actually keep in touch with them both. Really sweet, great guys to date, I guess there just came a point where things weren't going any farther (no talk of the future really, and it bothered me) so we just parted ways. Those relationships were great, even though we meet really made it to boyfriend/girlfriend and were just dating. With the other two, one I date for 3 mon this and then we had a talk of exclusiveness, made things official. I fell pretty hard on my end and we spent a lot of time together, he said I love you after a week of being boyfriend girlfriend and before I knew it he dumped me on his birthday after about 2 months. The other? Well he said I love you after 3 days and we were exclusive after 2 weeks dating. I didn't really feel it with him and I met my current boyfriend a month after and so I ended things with that guy. So many different paths a relationship can take in that time frame.
Author candie13 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 Really odd, but I have dated a total of 5 guys (including my current boyfriend) for 3 months or more since my divorce) and all have been pretty different. Some were awesome guys, others not so much. With 2 of them things progressed pretty slow emotiOnally, while with 2 others it went fast on their end. My current boyfriend is the only one where things actually just feel natural and where I am not constantly worrying about where we stand. I think there is no define way a relationship should be. With some guys it was seeing rather once a week, talking every day. For others it was spending every moment together. With my boyfriend now things moved ridiculously fast. We were crazy about each other from date 1 and we both have spent all our free time together since. For me, it is exactly what I want and since we are super open and on the se page when it comes to our relationship, we are doing great. That's what I fear. I am super open, but if it turns out to be too frustrating for me... not sure it's worth it. I like his character a lot, very brainy, very sensual, attentive to me. But like a wall, emotionally. He wants to have me around quite often, but I am smart enough to know the difference between spending time with someone and give them some room in your heart, unfortunately. I know I am fun to date and I can have plenty of sex, too, all my previous guys wanted / were offering me these. I want a little bit more. I am a bit upset, today.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I am the same with my friends too - and those who are my friends do the same for me. I am not a crazy person, who falls in love with random guys, haha. In my case, the more we see eachother, the more I get attached. Since we are at the beginning, and we sort of see eachother often, you get my small issue. It's not just about my situation, I am wondering how things function in general, when u r not at date 5, but at date 15 or 20 . I cannot talk to the guy, I cannot talk to him about smth that he has built his walls around. I feel a bit stuck, so I'll just give it time. Lots of traveling soon, should do us both some good. For me, if by the 15/20th date one of us still doesn't know where things are going.... That would be a problem for me. I would hope to be bf/gf by that point.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 That's what I fear. I am super open, but if it turns out to be too frustrating for me... not sure it's worth it. I like his character a lot, very brainy, very sensual, attentive to me. But like a wall, emotionally. He wants to have me around quite often, but I am smart enough to know the difference between spending time with someone and give them some room in your heart, unfortunately. I know I am fun to date and I can have plenty of sex, too, all my previous guys wanted / were offering me these. I want a little bit more. I am a bit upset, today. What do you mean by have you around but you know the difference?
Author candie13 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 We are bf/gf. Also we spend time together, I feel I am the one putting in more effort. I can stop - as in not do it, and he is smart, he will eventually do smth to make a nice comeback. As you correctly put it, miss J, it's not about me doing less, it's about him doing more. Also we spend time, his spending time with me does not excuse or make up for his being less emotionally available. I really should be less available for him to get it, but I don't feel like playing games. A guy, if he likes a gal, should want to do nice things for her. I don't want to force then out from him. I am seriously thinking about seeing other people. Very seriously.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 We are bf/gf. Also we spend time together, I feel I am the one putting in more effort. I can stop - as in not do it, and he is smart, he will eventually do smth to make a nice comeback. As you correctly put it, miss J, it's not about me doing less, it's about him doing more. Also we spend time, his spending time with me does not excuse or make up for his being less emotionally available. I really should be less available for him to get it, but I don't feel like playing games. A guy, if he likes a gal, should want to do nice things for her. I don't want to force then out from him. I am seriously thinking about seeing other people. Very seriously. Follow your heart. If you feel this way already into the relationship... It probably isn't the right relationship. I have NEVER felt like my boyfriend isn't as invested as I am in this relationship. He does so much for me and is always thinking of my happiness just like I do with him.
Author candie13 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I have a hard time letting go, as usual. Well, at least, this time, it didn't take me 7 years to figure it out. Funny how some people only take. And then take some more. It is not him, it is me, for letting this happen. But I am happy it did, he was himself, true to his own feelings. This way I got to learn about how he is.
Author candie13 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 Follow your heart. If you feel this way already into the relationship... It probably isn't the right relationship. I have NEVER felt like my boyfriend isn't as invested as I am in this relationship. He does so much for me and is always thinking of my happiness just like I do with him. and you, miss J, have spoken like a truly wise old man. thank you.
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