Temporarily living with ex

[gypsysoul28]

Hi:

 

I apologize ahead for the long post:

 

I filed for divorce last year 2/2012. My ex travels to China on business and lives there with his girlfriend for 8 weeks at a time and returns here for 4-6 weeks. Due to laws in this state he has the right to return and live in the condo--while he continually delayed divorce proceedings--long story short we have finally settled last week and hes is out of the house. My issue is just prior to this I met a great guy who lives about an hour away. Things started to progress and I felt I needed to let him know my situation with my ex. At first he responded that it was not a big deal--then he just stopped contacting me. Due to my settlement coming up and maybe part of me wanting to get in contact w/him--I asked him his opinion on something he has buisness expertise on --but made it clear there was no need for an explanation as to why he dropped off. Needless to say he did give one--slightly abridged: "if you lived 15 mins away I would be asking you out even though you live with your ex. Due to the fact we do live apart and your current situation it was the turning point as it takes a lot of time and energy to pursue something new w that geography unless “all the stars align”

I really like you and am attracted to you…so perhaps time will tell ( At least that’s my side of things) "

 

 

 

Obviously I would like to see him again and my ex does no longer live with me--but I think it probably is pointless to mention. However I do need to write him back and thank him for his expertise--what to do? I do not want to misjudge the above as interest where he might have felt obligated to give a reason--although I asked for none. Any advice greatly appreciated--

[gypsysoul28]

living with the ex

-going true a divorce (that means still married!)

-just got out of a divorce.

Totally Agree with the above, however my ex was only here every other 6 weeks.

those are all red flags for someone that want to date you.

cause you still have a lot of drama and baggage to deal with and you are single when you are divorce.

 

Actually this had been going on for more than a year due to my ex delaying and being out of the country. I had been in therapy and do not have the drama anymore with the exception of settling and moving on with my life

and living with ex make no sense, someone have to make themselves stupid or naive to accept that and think noting is going on between the 2 of you in that house.

doesn't matter if you really dont mess with your ex. no one can check that.

 

Welcome to the great state of CA (community property)--we both equally own the property and we have animals that required care. Since he was in China mostly this fell to me I live and work near my place and was told explicitly by my atty not to move out.

 

after the divorce you go true the real healing process. so

you will put a stranger in all of that drama.

 

i think he did a very good thing to stop this before he got involved in your drama.

maybe you should move on.

and next time dont date till you are really single and healed from your divorce/break up.

 

I was in the process of a divorce--signing the final settlement which was done last week. I do not agree with the no dating, but to each his own. I do understand the other side. And I probably will move on --I just still need to say Thank you for his help

[grkBoy]

I don't think it was one thing, but the combination of things.

 

Let's be brutally honest, when I was single (and finally stopped being desperate for a woman), I got to the point that 30-45 minutes was my limit of distance.

 

I had women who lived 1-4 hours away who showed me interest. I was flattered, but I found I'd rather be single and alone than suffer hours on the road and unable to do "spur of the moment" stuff with women. Even bigger turnoffs was when the woman had a flimsy life with drama, kids, etc.

 

Part of dating now is about convenience and comfort. If a man meets a woman who lives an hour away, she'll be in the "maybe" column. However, you add in that she's still involved with her ex in some way and going through a divorce, it just becomes too many red marks and thus the guy thinks she's more trouble than fun. Plus I'd personally be worried she would be making me a rebound.

 

This is like when guys come here complaining how women pass them up because they're bald or not Caucasian or shorter. It's usually not just the one thing. It's more that he might be bald, unemployed, living in his parents basement, and unable to hold a conversation. Too many red marks.

 

When I was boomeranging at home saving up a down payment, a female friend told me the hard truth that women will see my average looks and living at home as one big "eh" compared to all the more handsome men who own condos, make more money, and have more outgoing lifestyles. I know it sounds mean, but I do believe good friends won't pull punches. It did push me to self-improve.

 

 

In your case, leave him alone for now. Maybe stay in touch if it happens. Get through your divorce and such, and make yourself 100% free to meet new men.

[gypsysoul28]

Thank you for your honest response. I agree--fortunately I do not have kids, have a good career and I am just now free from my bi-polar ex. The bi-polar ex was definitely not drama free.

 

I did exactly that--I wrote him and said Thank you for the help. I also said that his reasons were more than sound and I would have done the same given the situation--so I set myself free.