mwhitneyvi Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I am to that point where I see only my flaws. I honestly feel like most of this is my fault... I always got mad at him, he just got on my nerves so much. I didn't love him any less, we just needed SPACE. He checked out of the relationship without ever really communicating what was wrong, so we couldn't work on it. Still, I knew I wasn't anywhere near perfect. I know he regrets being with me and sees me as a crazy ex after the begging I did. Also as a bitch for always getting mad at him. The fact that he has a new girlfriend that he treats so well and gets along perfectly with tears me apart. I just keep thinking if I didn't do this, or act like this... I don't know why I even acted like I did toward him. I think the most painful thing he's ever said to me was 'I can't believe I thought you were perfect.' Because he really did at one point...
New2Love4Now Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I know exactly how you feel She used to call me perfect all the time, how she was scared that I was going to leave her, always asking me to promise to love her forever. And hey, maybe I would have had some chance with her again, but unfortunately she was my first love and I knew nothing. Now I drove her away forever. Makes me wonder how you can trust anyone that you give your heart to.
Author mwhitneyvi Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I know exactly how you feel She used to call me perfect all the time, how she was scared that I was going to leave her, always asking me to promise to love her forever. And hey, maybe I would have had some chance with her again, but unfortunately she was my first love and I knew nothing. Now I drove her away forever. Makes me wonder how you can trust anyone that you give your heart to. If it helps any, you definitely can trust and love again. Just make sure you give yourself time to heal and be okay first before you even try. It always seems like the end of everything when your heart breaks, but you'll find another person that will make you thankful for the experience. This is part of the process, part of learning. 1
KansasChica Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 It is a long, difficult process to get through the shame and blaming. I'm a year out of my relationship and I still struggle at times, especially after he blamed me for everything, broke up with me and never looked back. He then painted me black to all of his friends (our mutual friends). Even months later, he was still playing the pity party blaming me. Now, a year later, I look back and think "yes, there are things I could have done better". I let my anxiety get the best of me many times and took him for granted, but NO ONE is perfect. And I did the best that I could at the time. I've seen what I did wrong and will be better with the next guy who is willing to accept me and make me want to be a better person. If my ex had ever communicated any of his issues to me then we could have worked on things together and had a much more successful and happy relationship, but he didn't. He grew to resent me. He pushed me away. And as far as your ex's new relationship goes, he's in the honeymoon stage now so of course he's going to treat her great. But do you think he's suddenly going to change without self-reflection? He'll find things about this new girl that upset him and the same thing is likely to happen. It's completely normal to blame yourself (especially when you are blamed by someone you love), but realize that it takes two to make a relationship work. His lack of communication didn't help matters. Hang in there.
Sav Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I can share your feelings. It's perfectly normal but always remember, the blame DOES NOT lie with you and you alone. It takes two to clap. Maybe your fault is larger but it will never be solely your fault. Don't be so hard on yourself, learn from this. It's the most important thing you have to take from this failed relationship
Author mwhitneyvi Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 It sounds like you did it to yourself. You drove away a perfectly ok guy because of your emotional issues. You should get counselling, and try not to be with anybody until your issues are resolved. There's no point in beating yourself up forever, but it certainly is your fault, and it's important to hold yourself accountable. However, with counselling, and time, it can be sorted. Maybe he was 'perfectly okay' before he told me he got called into work so he could go sleep with his ex. Which happened before the fights started, and I also didn't know about it until after we split, when he called and told me, laughing. I just happen to be the kind of person who takes my blame along with everyone else's. Yeah, that I DO need counselling for.
KS11 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I completely relate to this. In my head I did everything I could to make the relationship work, tried to offer support when things were hard, took interest in her work/interests, tried to keep things interesting by taking her to places I knew she'd like, surprised her with flowers etc..and to be told theres no chemistry just kills. I understand that can't be helped..but by her own admission the 'friendship' connection we had was perfect...and so it only leads me to think that physically im not good enough. I've never been happy with the way I look, I got my nose broken years ago and stupidly never got it fixed, and its massive confidence thing which i cant do anything about. I just cant help but think thats the reason there was no chemistry because she didnt find me 'attractive'. It hurts so much because i've always felt that the reason that has seen me 'friendzoned' so often. I guess its just really hard after a BU to not think you are so how responsible.
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Maybe he was 'perfectly okay' before he told me he got called into work so he could go sleep with his ex. Which happened before the fights started, and I also didn't know about it until after we split, when he called and told me, laughing. I just happen to be the kind of person who takes my blame along with everyone else's. Yeah, that I DO need counselling for. Ouch....yeah, After he told you that, I hope that the begging and pleading stopped. Look, stop blaming yourself. You can do the woulda, coulda, shoulda all day long and it's not going to change anything. BUT! What you CAN do is realize where you might have done some things you could have done differently. Learn from them and apply what you learned to your next relationship. This guy messed your world up. Especially laughing at you while confessing that he was cheating on you during the relationship. Perhaps indivdual counseling might do you some good. Nothing wrong with it. Sometimes it helps to talk with someone that will help you sort some things out. Start making positive changes in your life. Buy a new wardrobe and get a new hairstyle. Get a membership to the gym. Run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. Do a spin class. Or zumba class. This helps you burn off the stress and frustrations and, all the while, getting that sexy hot bod! Get new hobbies. Join a cyclig club, or a running club, or community theather. Something to keep you busy and interacting with people. Then, travel! Go see the world! Get out of the norm, get out of your comfort zone. Go somewhere nice and warm and decompress and release the stress. Time to start healing.
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