j088 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I already typed out a really long thread took me almost an hour to type it out and then when I hit submit I had logged out and lost EVERYTHING... I am very upset now so I will give you the watered down version. So I am a MTF ts person although I am still living and presenting as male. I have been on hormone therapy for a year and a half. What this means is that emotionally and mentally I am more female than male (please do not be mean to me about this). This also means that I am having to relearn how to approach relationships and intimacy. Anyway recently I met the most wonderful girl I have ever met. I am new to this city (big city, I wont say which one). We met on an online dating site, she clearly says on her page that she is looking for someone to date... although I am not so sure now what it is she is looking for. We hit it off really well, she showed me the city and even helped me move into my new apartment (she only weighs like 90lbs so carrying boxes and helping me with furniture was not easy for her, but she did it anyway... thats just the type of person she is). When we hang out its usually for a really long time 7-9 hours its an all day affair (and for awhile we were hanging out like this for several days each week). We laugh and talk and laugh some more. We explore the city and talk and have a wonderful time. We both always have the biggest smiles on our faces when we are together. I have never experienced this with someone before... there is no awkwardness, no nervousness, no judgement... its just two people enjoying eachother's company. I have never experienced this before... ever. This girl is gender variant like I am, she is a super tom boy. She wears guys clothes and acts like a guy most of the time, she also doesnt groom herself like a girl (she doesnt shave her legs or pluck her eyebrows or anything like that). She told me that she dresses the way she does because its more comfortable to her and she doesn't like people checking her out or judging her on her looks. None of this bothers me, there is still something definitively feminine about her... she is actually quite endearing and like her a lot. So a couple weeks ago I finally told her that I really liked her but the reaction was not good. She was just quiet and said she didn't know what to say. I told her she didn't have to say anything and then she said that she hoped we could still be friends. I told her yes but then wanted to know what it was that kept us from being more. She told me she didnt really know, which was disconcerting I like to get feedback in case it was something I did or said (or didnt do or say)... if I didn't know what I did wrong how can I improve myself? Since she couldn't say I just assumed that she wasnt attracted to me for whatever reason (cant help but assume its a physical thing). I ended up talking to my guy friends about it (most of my friends are guys) and of course they were like "dude forget her, dont talk to her anymore and forget you ever met her". Standard guy > guy advice, and probably would have been good advice if it wasnt for the fact that I am not really a guy anymore. But I took their advice and told her we couldnt be friends and I broke off contact. Anyway a few weeks later I was feeling really crappy about the way I reacted so I apologized to her. She gave me hell about it, I really hurt her and disrespected her. We finally made up after she put me through the wringer over it (which I deserved). I figured I needed friends and she is a good person so I needed to do the right thing (its not like she put me in the friend zone to use me, she did more for me than I have done for her). So yesterday we hungout for the first time again. It was like nothing ever happened. We had an amazing day out in the city together, hung out all day. Smiled, laughed, giggled and laughed some more. Had a fantastic day! But something was a little different than before, we were both way more open with each other than before. We both told each other things we wouldnt have before. But some of it was contradictory and confusing. So she told me that she has never dated someone before and that she probably never will (she is 23 I am 24). But we both said that we were looking to make a connection with someone. So I am not sure if she said she may never date someone because she isnt open to it or because she is being a pessimist. I also confessed that I wasn't a very sexual person (which is true I have almost no sex drive). She said she was exactly the same way. Then I also told her that I was into dominant women, she laughed and said she was the opposite... she likes being the dominant one. Then she invites me to go with her and her best friend (who I found out later is one of her only friends) to an S&M club that she likes to go to. So even though she says she isnt sexual she is obviously into some kinky stuff, thats got me a bit confused too. On the friend issue she admits that she has had a lot of difficulty making and friends in the past and only has a few good friends and one best friend (mentioned above). I told her the same thing, I have trouble with making friends too. Anyway so here is where I am at. I need to understand these things about her. But I also need to find a way to turn my feelings toward her in a platonic direction. If I had another person in my life it would be easier to move on and then just be friends with her, but that isnt the case (even though I am looking of course). I am also curious if the reason she doesnt like me is physical or maybe I went too fast (or not fast enough) or maybe I didnt let her have the control over the relationship... Idk I am so confused here. This girl is so incredibly endearing, I love every min I spend with her and it seems she feels the same way. So I just dont know what is wrong. I wish I could be with her but I dont think that is in the cards. I am kind of afraid that I wont ever meet someone like her again and that somehow I just blew it before I even gave it a chance... idk.
Els Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 The main issue here isn't that she's a tomboy, it's that she doesn't like you. So you have two options: You either try to get her to like you, or you try to forget her by spending more time with other people and getting a new hobby or something. I'd recommend the latter.
Author j088 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) If you read my post all the way through I never said the issue was that she was a tom boy (why would you assume that?), I just used that for the title so people would read my post... anyway, I know she doesn't like me and I really doubt there is anything I could do to change that (from what she was telling me it seems like she has never met anyone she likes...why would I be any different). As far as finding new hobbies and stuff... actually I am a very busy person these days and have plenty of hobbies and things to do which in a way makes it more difficult to get out and find someone new. Like I said in my post I am actively looking and if I find someone that will make things easier. However I am not willing to just never see this person again, that seems so simple to you but it just doesn't work that way with me (I dont think its right to hurt someone else just to protect my own feelings). I am trying to find ways to force myself into seeing her as just another one of my friends. Over time I think that will happen naturally but right now its still hard. Edited February 25, 2013 by j088
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