Am I a narcissist?

[stevie_23]

I think I’m a narcissist

 

Hmm. This could be a problem. Is there any hope for narcissists or am I doomed to be an ass-hat forever more?

 

This was posted in a thread about narcissists and affairs in the Infidelity section of LS…the bolded parts are the parts I identify with…

 

Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming. They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an "emotional high" with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting. These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc. Literally - whatever the target "needs to hear" in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.

I don’t feel like I’m some kind of sociopath and I don’t feel my tendencies are malicious in intent, and I DO try to compromise and consider others in my actions, but my natural tendency is NOT to want to bother doing this.

 

Some examples, big or small…

 

• My partner always does all the cooking at home, since I don’t and can’t cook and don’t want to learn or bother doing it. She is a good cook. She doesn’t mind (sometimes) doing the cooking, but she also used to do all the washing up / dishes afterwards too and most of the housework in general because I didn’t want to do it. She never said anything to me about it, but it was obvious it wasn’t FAIR for me not to really ever do any chores. Especially as I only worked 5 hours a day and she worked 9. I had never had to do anything around the house when I lived with my parents, and I moved from that house to living with my partner when I was 24, so…I KNEW what was right, but I didn’t want to actually DO it so I just let her do it. I fooled myself into thinking she didn’t really mind or she’d have said something.
  

• When my partner moved to the same state as me, back in 2002, after meeting online in 2001 and being long distance for a while, I could have been more supportive. I forgot that she was moving to an unfamiliar place where she knew absolutely NOBODY except me. She spent Christmas alone that year because my parents didn’t know about her yet (I was worried about the 16 year age gap and how they’d perceive it, and the whole gay relationship thing too). I feel absolutely horrible about this now but at the time, I was too concerned with my own things. I wasn’t as supportive of her as I should have been. She packed up her whole life to move to be closer to me.
  

• A few times my ex-girlfriend (and best friend), after being so good as to drive me home after a day out together, would need to go to the bathroom and would ask if she could come into my parents’ house to go, but I said no because I didn’t want her to accidentally blab anything about our relationship. So she had to then drive all the way home needing to pee.
  

• My ex-MM used to say I only thought about myself sometimes. When I’d get angry at his restrictions and if he had to work or if he had to go away with his wife and her kids which he didn’t want to do in the first place, and I’d blab on about how it’d affect me and not consider how he felt. In particular, one example is his wife’s ex-husband’s mother died, and the 3 kids were upset (their grandma). He sent me a text about it and instead of saying I was sorry and I hoped they were ok, I said “Oh, so I guess that means no chat later, eh?” SUCH A NICE PERSON I AM! (I DID send the nicer supportive text after it though, once he assured me there WOULD be a chat for us later. But if he had said there would be NO chat and he was sorry but he couldn’t help it, I know I wouldn’t have been nice)
  

• I was looking back a couple of months ago on some old texts I sent to him, and so many times I would be verging on anger about whether he could chat / talk to me or not. I couldn’t remember the exact circumstances of each text, but just reading them now, a year later even, I could feel the tension rising in me at the time I wrote it, and I’d be waiting to hear his response. If he was sick and he couldn’t chat? I’d be angry. If he was sick and COULD chat, I’d be incredibly supportive and want nothing more than to make him feel better. If he had to work and he couldn’t chat? I’d be angry and accuse him of not loving me. Stuff like that.
  

• Several years ago, my partner’s step father had a stroke (they weren’t close, but it was still a shock) and then later that same week, her cat died (it was her cat, but he had lived with her mother for many years). I was there for her as best I could be, but I was also thinking that I really didn’t want her to be sad and in tears for too long because I wanted to do my normal things, watch TV, go out, etc. I didn’t want this to be a burden on me and my happiness.
  

• Also with my partner, obviously I was in an affair for almost 2 years, and would still be in it if he hadn’t ended it. I of course don’t want to hurt my partner, but I did want to be with my ex-MM as well. So I…did.
  

AM I a narcissist? I AM fairly self absorbed and very focused on my own self. I kind of feel like I can be very supportive and sympathetic and empathetic IF whatever’s happening to someone else doesn’t negatively affect me. If it DOES negatively affect me, I just get angry and unhappy and SOO incredibly selfish. What does this mean for me and my ability to be happy?

[Lillyfree]

hi stevie...

 

i don't believe you're a narcissist - from what i've read a true narcissist would never ask themselves that.

 

you do sound like you're looking for a parental figure more than an equal spouse.

and your actions are those of a child.

 

and please don't take this the wrong way - but i feel really sorry for your SO.

[stevie_23]

Lilly, it’s ok. I feel sorry for her too. She’s a wonderful partner. I DO do the dishes nowadays and have done for years, and I do ALMOST my fair share of household chores too.

 

I feel sorry for her because I had that affair for so long. Otherwise, I am a good partner to her in most ways. It’s not quite a seeking-parental-figure relationship because although I DO feel like I can’t handle adult responsibilities a lot, I DO support her in other ways, and we are fairly equal.

 

Bent, yeah, I suppose so. I just asked here cause a lot of people seem to be able to define a narcissist from information provided on here.

[Pierre]

Stevie:

 

You are not a narcissist.

 

However, you show lack of empathy to your partner.

 

You are self centered in your relationship and crave attention. That MM was an oldie and you never met IRL was not an issue as long as you had attention.

 

You don't fit the narcissist profile.

I think you are very smart and have good insight, but then you start to talk about your MM and you lose me.

[wisernow]

Stevie:

 

You are not a narcissist.

 

However, you show lack of empathy to your partner.

 

You are self centered in your relationship and crave attention. That MM was an oldie and you never met IRL was not an issue as long as you had attention.

 

You don't fit the narcissist profile.

I think you are very smart and have good insight, but then you start to talk about your MM and you lose me.

 

Stevie, I agree with Pierre, and also Bent. Don't go putting yourself in a box because of all the armchair psych wannabes here. If you truly believe you have issues to deal with, please seek professional help. This forum isn't the place for any such diagnosis.

[stevie_23]

Hmm. You know…sometimes I wonder if my brain is screwed into my head correctly.

 

For many years, in my first 2 relationships (my first ex who is also my best friend, and my current partner), I would sometimes (often) get these anger outbursts, and have tantrums basically. Scream, shout, swear, obscene finger gestures, storming out of rooms, slamming doors, I broke a hair brush and a door hanger thing on 2 occasions. I’d throw things (never at anyone, always in the other direction), I’d recklessly walk out in the middle of the road (although I was always aware when cars were coming and wouldn’t just do it totally out of control) and it didn’t matter if this was in public or not. I’d say the most horrible, hurtful things because I was angry, hurt, upset, stressed or whatever. Both my ex and my current partner have said when I’m like that, it’s like I’m a totally different person to how I usually am.

 

At all other times, including afterwards, when I was “myself” again I would be my usual self aware, introspective and fairly intelligent self. I would almost provide therapy to them to help them deal with my own behaviour. I’d give insights and explanations (never excuses) and make sure they knew they were not at fault and it was nothing to do with them. And yet I’d then do the exact same stupid behaviour all over again a week, month or whatever later!

 

So anyway…my current partner once said it was like I was a therapist AND a crazy person in one package. Very strange. On here sometimes I feel like that too. Like I say certain things that make sense, that are pretty intelligent and wise and play the “therapist” role, but then…I don’t ACT on my own words, and when talking about the “irrationality” of being in love with my ex-MM, I’m the crazy person.

 

I haven’t done this sort of thing (tantrum behaviour) for several years, by the way. Interestingly (I guess), I DID do it at times with my ex-MM even though I stopped doing it years ago to my current partner. Hmm. Seems when I’m in love I lash out. OR it seems when I use someone ELSE for my validation and my happiness, they obviously can’t always provide this and THEN I lash out.

 

Actually, I think I’m a pathological liar instead. Maybe. I have always found it easy to lie and hard NOT to in certain situations. Whatever will make it easier for me and get me what I want. I don’t WANT to hurt others. I try NOT to, but I’m also very selfish and lazy too.

 

It’s not that I lack empathy for my partner. I truly do love her and it’s not just MY tiny capacity to love, it IS valid love. But because of my selfishness, if it comes down to her needs or my needs, I tend to instinctively go for my own needs to be met even at her detriment, which is terrible.

 

I sometimes wonder what I’d do if it came down to having to save her life or my mum’s life for instance, and I honestly don’t know. Like if I had to press a button and then the one I didn’t press would fall down a cliff or something horrible like that, what would I do? And if I had the choice of pressing NO buttons and then I myself would fall down the cliff, I may end up doing that. I don’t know. Ugh.

Edited February 25, 2013 by stevie_23

[spice4life]

I agree with the others in saying that it's best to seek professional assistance to answer that question.

[stevie_23]

Does everyone around here think I’m mentally ill? I have wondered this before.

[wisernow]

Does everyone around here think I’m mentally ill? I have wondered this before.

 

I certainly don't. I think you are very self aware. You may have some issues, but girl please, you're not mentally ill. Are you having a bad day? What's brought all this on?

[stevie_23]

Oh, I don’t know. I’m just…lost. And scared. Always very scared. Everything scares me. And I feel like a lot of people around here think I’m stupid and crazy and they don’t like me. And I don’t blame them either.

 

I kind of feel like often the more I reveal of myself, the less I’m liked by others.

Edited February 25, 2013 by stevie_23

[wisernow]

Oh, I don’t know. I’m just…lost. And scared. Always very scared. Everything scares me. And I feel like a lot of people around here think I’m stupid and crazy and they don’t like me. And I don’t blame them either.

 

I kind of feel like often the more I reveal of myself, the less I’m liked by

 

Stop. It's late, and I gotta go to bed. Will PM you tomorrow.

[stevie_23]

Thank you. Sleep well.

[spice4life]

Gosh stevie, why do you feel that way? I haven't noticed any evidence of that at all. A close friend who is a therapist once told me that if you are asking if you're crazy then your not. Crazy people aren't aware they are crazy and therefore don't ask. Does that help?

 

You are very self aware.

[stevie_23]

But how come if I’m so self aware, I get myself into such unhappy situations?

[LadyGrey]

Stevie........stop! Hell o.........we've all got a bit of crazy in us.

 

I like you girl........and for some reason, I've felt this draw to your posts, I relate on some levels.........except when you start talking about your xmm, you lose me there and you don't seem to get the reality of that and I admit, I can't fathom how cold you are toward your SO and the mm's wife but perhaps it's in there, you just repress it. On the other hand you obviously are very intelligent, and sometimes very insightful.

 

You've told me more than once, that you don't know who you are, I think your background has screwed you up a bit, (whose hasn't) and I think it would be wise to explore this with a professional. It's my hope to see you grow in honesty and to find out who you are and be at peace with yourself. Clearly you don't much like yourself.......and hey I've btdt too.

 

There is always hope Stevie and there are some wise wonderful women here who will support you. Some of my fav's are the same ones who tended to piss me off a bit at first and shocker..........I call her one of my best friends on here. (Love ya Bent)

 

 

Oh, I don’t know. I’m just…lost. And scared. Always very scared. Everything scares me. And I feel like a lot of people around here think I’m stupid and crazy and they don’t like me. And I don’t blame them either.

 

I kind of feel like often the more I reveal of myself, the less I’m liked by others.

[todreaminblue]

Oh, I don’t know. I’m just…lost. And scared. Always very scared. Everything scares me. And I feel like a lot of people around here think I’m stupid and crazy and they don’t like me. And I don’t blame them either.

 

I kind of feel like often the more I reveal of myself, the less I’m liked by others.

 

 

 

have you ever held out your hand before in a the middle of a group and had it not taken? Laughed at or ridiculed because you extended that hand....when i stick my hand out for someone to shake its an effort full of fear and trust.......have you said or done something and had people say ....who does that? thats not normal what a freak ?

 

 

told someone something personal and have them use it against you to sway others into ignoring you into making you a social outcast and smile your way through the day liek its ok...yoru ok....they just dont understand and have to give them that understanding back even though they hold you in contempt...... relying on older people who have experienced life a bit more to understand you on a deeper level....fear of rejection from peers.....is not a mental illness....its a fear....fear is not mental illness...it happens.... there are reasons why you fear rejection there always are...acceptance of who you are by you and you alone .......is key...it takes a long tiem to get over situations that involve founded fears i dont know if i ever will....i say i deal with rejection because i do ...and i try again....kamikaze all the way..it isnt something that i have been able to brush off...i have faith though.....in the fact there are many more people that would shake my hand than not,theres a positive, unfortunately it doesnt make it easier to handle...if you didnt care who didnt shake your hand, if you didnt care who liked you and who didnt .....it would mean you were a narcissist....i dont think you are that way....and i dont think you have a mental illness, you just made some mistakes you are sorry for and you are sane because you have a justified guilt response......hugs ...good luck stevie...fear is good......keeps you grounded.you just cant let it control you............deb

[stevie_23]

LadyG, I am actually SO not cold to my partner at all in real life. If I come across as that on here, it doesn’t translate to reality at ALL. If I cared so little, why would I still be with her? I’m not THAT scared to be alone.

 

In terms of my ex-MM’s wife, I’m not cold to her either. I just don’t KNOW her and due to my selfishness and how I felt I needed him in my life, to be with me, those needs overrode (and still do because I’m still trying to survive and adapt without him) any real ability to genuinely feel the full impact on HER.

 

Todreaminblue, yes. I’ve had all of that happen at some stage. It feels very bad. I used to be SOOO self conscious at school as for 2 years right at the beginning of high school I had NO friends at all. I had quite a few before that, but the class structure was re-organised and none of them were in any of my classes, so…I was alone and I’d eat lunch in the library or the computer room by myself, and whenever I walked anywhere I’d be constantly and painfully aware of all eyes on me. Anything I did, I’d expect laughter or ridicule, even if nothing happened most of the time. And when they DID laugh or be rude to me or whatever, I just smiled and never reacted, ever.

 

Hmm…that’s very true. I will come back to this thread tomorrow and re-read those words, that fear is good but you can’t let it control you.

[LadyGrey]

LadyG, I am actually SO not cold to my partner at all in real life. If I come across as that on here, it doesn’t translate to reality at ALL. If I cared so little, why would I still be with her? I’m not THAT scared to be alone.

 

Empathy stevie, empathy, that is what I meant by cold. wrong choice of words on my part.

 

Do you feel any guilt, and take a while to answer that?

 

Also did you read the rest of what I posted? Just like me you have characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic. Go read that stuff again.

 

In terms of my ex-MM’s wife, I’m not cold to her either. I just don’t KNOW her and due to my selfishness and how I felt I needed him in my life, to be with me, those needs overrode (and still do because I’m still trying to survive and adapt without him) any real ability to genuinely feel the full impact on HER.

 

Todreaminblue, yes. I’ve had all of that happen at some stage. It feels very bad. I used to be SOOO self conscious at school as for 2 years right at the beginning of high school I had NO friends at all. I had quite a few before that, but the class structure was re-organised and none of them were in any of my classes, so…I was alone and I’d eat lunch in the library or the computer room by myself, and whenever I walked anywhere I’d be constantly and painfully aware of all eyes on me. Anything I did, I’d expect laughter or ridicule, even if nothing happened most of the time. And when they DID laugh or be rude to me or whatever, I just smiled and never reacted, ever.

 

Hmm…that’s very true. I will come back to this thread tomorrow and re-read those words, that fear is good but you can’t let it control you.

 

 

I also relate to you about school, I had so much turmoil going on at home and then I had one girl especially who bullied me. I learned to hide my tears and my pain. After I got out of school, out of curiosity I went and picked up my records, my 6th grade teacher had described me as a diva. :laugh: I still can't believe that.......all it was, was I was trying to survive with bully girls and the crap going on at my house.

[stevie_23]

OMG, your teacher described you as a diva!? How old were you, like 12? Lol. Wowy. Teachers shouldn’t label kids like that. My best friend is a teacher and says it’s abysmal the amount of internal politics and immature bitchiness that goes on amongst the teachers and towards the students.

 

Anyway, yes, I did indeed read the rest of your post, and I have been thinking more about the child of an alcoholic symptoms. I don’t really BLAME myself for my behavioural shortcomings, somewhat defective thought processes, and whatever else, but I also don’t blame anyone else either. It just is what it is, I guess.

 

In terms of empathy for my partner. Ah yes. I see. I don’t really know if I’m 100% certain what empathy really IS. I know what it means of course, but…empathy…yes, I DO have empathy. (I’m thinking out loud here as I type) I have a LOT of empathy. The ability to put yourself in another’s position? Feel at least partly how they feel and to be interested in doing that? Yes. I do that with her. I’m not a completely callous, careless partner or person. But it’s not my NATURAL state IF there is a need for myself that I want that would go above her needs, or anyone else’s needs.

 

And guilt? Oh my god. I don’t HAVE to think for a long time about whether I feel guilt or not. I DID think it through though, but yes. Apart from this specific situation, I’ve had almost CONSTANT guilt in my life. I tell others I consider guilt a fairly pointless and counter-productive emotion (remorse is better, or regret), but I can’t change my feelings. I was guilty for being in a relationship with my best friend because I knew my parents wouldn’t be happy about it. I felt guilt over my relationship with my current partner for the same reason. I did something when I was 19 or so that is abhorrent to me and would be to anyone, and nobody knows apart from 3 people in the world. I will NEVER stop feeling guilty about that.

 

Then there’s my partner. Every night I’d come to bed after chatting with my ex-MM and I’d look at her and either cry while I brushed my teeth a few minutes later in the bathroom, or I just would block out those feelings because they were too painful.

 

So yes. There is guilt. I don’t remember a time I haven’t been guilty since I was about 17.

[TheOW]

I think you are a lot like me and I don't mean to be hurtful when I say this but I think you are an attention seeker I think this because I have come to realise I am one as well, also have a look at (attention deficit disorder) I have recently been diagnosed with this - explains a lot in the way I feel about things .. Or don't.

[BetrayedH]

I think I’m a narcissist

 

Hmm. This could be a problem. Is there any hope for narcissists or am I doomed to be an ass-hat forever more?

 

This was posted in a thread about narcissists and affairs in the Infidelity section of LS…the bolded parts are the parts I identify with…

 

Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming. They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an "emotional high" with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting. These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc. Literally - whatever the target "needs to hear" in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.

I don’t feel like I’m some kind of sociopath and I don’t feel my tendencies are malicious in intent, and I DO try to compromise and consider others in my actions, but my natural tendency is NOT to want to bother doing this.

 

Some examples, big or small…

 

• My partner always does all the cooking at home, since I don’t and can’t cook and don’t want to learn or bother doing it. She is a good cook. She doesn’t mind (sometimes) doing the cooking, but she also used to do all the washing up / dishes afterwards too and most of the housework in general because I didn’t want to do it. She never said anything to me about it, but it was obvious it wasn’t FAIR for me not to really ever do any chores. Especially as I only worked 5 hours a day and she worked 9. I had never had to do anything around the house when I lived with my parents, and I moved from that house to living with my partner when I was 24, so…I KNEW what was right, but I didn’t want to actually DO it so I just let her do it. I fooled myself into thinking she didn’t really mind or she’d have said something.
  

• When my partner moved to the same state as me, back in 2002, after meeting online in 2001 and being long distance for a while, I could have been more supportive. I forgot that she was moving to an unfamiliar place where she knew absolutely NOBODY except me. She spent Christmas alone that year because my parents didn’t know about her yet (I was worried about the 16 year age gap and how they’d perceive it, and the whole gay relationship thing too). I feel absolutely horrible about this now but at the time, I was too concerned with my own things. I wasn’t as supportive of her as I should have been. She packed up her whole life to move to be closer to me.
  

• A few times my ex-girlfriend (and best friend), after being so good as to drive me home after a day out together, would need to go to the bathroom and would ask if she could come into my parents’ house to go, but I said no because I didn’t want her to accidentally blab anything about our relationship. So she had to then drive all the way home needing to pee.
  

• My ex-MM used to say I only thought about myself sometimes. When I’d get angry at his restrictions and if he had to work or if he had to go away with his wife and her kids which he didn’t want to do in the first place, and I’d blab on about how it’d affect me and not consider how he felt. In particular, one example is his wife’s ex-husband’s mother died, and the 3 kids were upset (their grandma). He sent me a text about it and instead of saying I was sorry and I hoped they were ok, I said “Oh, so I guess that means no chat later, eh?” SUCH A NICE PERSON I AM! (I DID send the nicer supportive text after it though, once he assured me there WOULD be a chat for us later. But if he had said there would be NO chat and he was sorry but he couldn’t help it, I know I wouldn’t have been nice)
  

• I was looking back a couple of months ago on some old texts I sent to him, and so many times I would be verging on anger about whether he could chat / talk to me or not. I couldn’t remember the exact circumstances of each text, but just reading them now, a year later even, I could feel the tension rising in me at the time I wrote it, and I’d be waiting to hear his response. If he was sick and he couldn’t chat? I’d be angry. If he was sick and COULD chat, I’d be incredibly supportive and want nothing more than to make him feel better. If he had to work and he couldn’t chat? I’d be angry and accuse him of not loving me. Stuff like that.
  

• Several years ago, my partner’s step father had a stroke (they weren’t close, but it was still a shock) and then later that same week, her cat died (it was her cat, but he had lived with her mother for many years). I was there for her as best I could be, but I was also thinking that I really didn’t want her to be sad and in tears for too long because I wanted to do my normal things, watch TV, go out, etc. I didn’t want this to be a burden on me and my happiness.
  

• Also with my partner, obviously I was in an affair for almost 2 years, and would still be in it if he hadn’t ended it. I of course don’t want to hurt my partner, but I did want to be with my ex-MM as well. So I…did.
  

AM I a narcissist? I AM fairly self absorbed and very focused on my own self. I kind of feel like I can be very supportive and sympathetic and empathetic IF whatever’s happening to someone else doesn’t negatively affect me. If it DOES negatively affect me, I just get angry and unhappy and SOO incredibly selfish. What does this mean for me and my ability to be happy?

 

Stevie, forgive me if I duplicate some thoughts of others as I haven't read the whole thread.

 

While I wouldn't remotely deem myself qualified to make any kind of diagnosis, I will say that your posts have given me a lot of pause, to the point that I'm not sure I've ever even commented on your situation before. Please knows that my comments are meant gently. Two examples come to mind:

 

(1) You seemed to have little concern about your MM being busted not just once but FOUR times. The damage to their marriage and his wife must be extraordinary yet none of those Ddays slowed you down. I was astonished that someone would keep continuing with such disregard for the impact on someone else. But what compounds it for me is the fact that you have said repeatedly how devastated YOU would be if YOUR partner were to find out. You clearly understand how devastating a Dday would be for you but it creates no empathy for what you are doing to others.

 

(2). In one thread you were described (and self-described, as I recall) as whimsically analytical. Again, you have created four Ddays in another person's marriage and have a clueless betrayed partner at home who sounds quite dedicated to you and yet, you are whimsical.

 

I am actually glad to see this most recent post from you because it seems like you may finally try to be introspective which can give some hope of you developing empathy for your betrayed partner. That woman has dedicated her life to you (you do realize that we only get one of those, right?) and you haven't remotely seemed concerned that she is wasting it on someone that couldn't seem to care less about crapping all over it. There are so many times that I have read your posts and felt, "OMG, she just doesn't even care at all what impact this has had on other people; she only cares about it impacting her!"

 

Are you a narcissist? I honestly don't know but I somewhat desperately hope you start seeing an individual counselor to look into it further. There is a lot of hurt being left in your wake and it's very concerning that you haven't seemed to care.

[egalew]

Stevie - Pardon me, but I don't seem to know your story as intimately as the others, though I do read your posts. I can't tell if I am reading your posts wrong, or you are using the he/she interchangeably. But you're a woman and your partner is a woman? And you had an EA affair with a man online?

[BetrayedH]

Now that I've read the rest of the thread, I would say that Frozen kinda hit the nail on the head. You may care and feel guilt/empathize/be introspective but none of it stops you from continuing the bahaviors. That is what has been so remarkable to me. I think to truly empathize with the people around you, there needs to be some application to those feelings. It would give most people some pause to see what they're doing to others; their conscience would guide their actions. You seem analytical about it but the whimsical part mystifies me.

 

Again, I don't mean to be unkind. You don't seem to "want" to hurt other people (which, I think, gains you some friends here) but because you don't want to continue hurting others, I do hope that you seek therapy so you can put your conscience into action.

[spice4life]

Stevie, forgive me if I duplicate some thoughts of others as I haven't read the whole thread.

 

While I wouldn't remotely deem myself qualified to make any kind of diagnosis, I will say that your posts have given me a lot of pause, to the point that I'm not sure I've ever even commented on your situation before. Please knows that my comments are meant gently. Two examples come to mind:

 

(1) You seemed to have little concern about your MM being busted not just once but FOUR times. The damage to their marriage and his wife must be extraordinary yet none of those Ddays slowed you down. I was astonished that someone would keep continuing with such disregard for the impact on someone else. But what compounds it for me is the fact that you have said repeatedly how devastated YOU would be if YOUR partner were to find out. You clearly understand how devastating a Dday would be for you but it creates no empathy for what you are doing to others.

 

(2). In one thread you were described (and self-described, as I recall) as whimsically analytical. Again, you have created four Ddays in another person's marriage and have a clueless betrayed partner at home who sounds quite dedicated to you and yet, you are whimsical.

 

I am actually glad to see this most recent post from you because it seems like you may finally try to be introspective which can give some hope of you developing empathy for your betrayed partner. That woman has dedicated her life to you (you do realize that we only get one of those, right?) and you haven't remotely seemed concerned that she is wasting it on someone that couldn't seem to care less about crapping all over it. There are so many times that I have read your posts and felt, "OMG, she just doesn't even care at all what impact this has had on other people; she only cares about it impacting her!"

 

Are you a narcissist? I honestly don't know but I somewhat desperately hope you start seeing an individual counselor to look into it further. There is a lot of hurt being left in your wake and it's very concerning that you haven't seemed to care.

 

This an excellent post, BetrayedH. Very insightful. And yes, I admit I was the one who referred to Stevie's posts as whimsically analytical and now that she has opened up more about herself I see where it is coming from.

 

Stevie, he makes a lot of very valid points. I have to admit that your story has given me pause as well. Your posts are very well written and full of insight however, they seem to be very light hearted about some very serious matters. It could be that your just extremely open minded to a fault and it allows you to gloss over the feelings of others in your life. I dunno. Don't take this wrong as it is only meant as constructive criticism. You should give BetrayedH's insights some thought.

 

Thanks for your post BetrayedH. You have very eloquently put into words what I was wondering about, but didn't know how to express it.

Edited February 25, 2013 by spice4life

[Pierre]

I think that most of us have a little bit of everything with regards to personalities and that includes the narcissism.

 

I will say that OWs fall into several categories, but there are two distinct types that come to mind:

 

1. One type has zero ability to feel guilt and lacks empathy for the BW and children at home.

 

They say things like "he is the one cheating, not me, I did not make vows to her, his marriage is his problem, I am just having a normal relationship and he happens to be married, etc".

 

2. Type two feels guilt and empathy. Some go as far as to write letters of apology to the BW.

 

However, beneath these two types there is underlying low self esteem. How could a woman choose to settle for so much less?

 

Underneath this there is a process of addiction that clouds the mind. And we all know that addicts will do anything for a fix.

 

There is also the issue of extreme naivette or perhaps wanting to believe. How could Stevie believe all the bull$hit from her virtual MM?

 

And lastly, there is the issue of needing attention and validation to survive. This need is so strong that clouds the ability to act in a rational manner.