Unsure1 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 So...I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years, we've lived together for just over 2 years. Around 2 years ago he fell out with his parents and due to stress/worry of this he lost interest in sex and it went down to about once or twice a month, this gradually lowered again until we stopped having sex altogether. That was two years ago now. Over the past two years I have tried everything to try and interest him in sex again - I've dressed up in outfits he used to love me wearing, I've tried talking to him several times, ive given him space, I've sent him picture messages at work, I've offered to go and see a counsellor together - and now I'm all out of options and to be honest sick of trying because I know I'll get rejected! He uses every excuse not to sleep with me, I'm too full, hot/cold, not in the mood, tired, drunk the list goes on! Everytime I bring it up he says all the right things such as how much he loves me and promises me hell sort himself out and knows what he needs to do but nothing changes and we go round and round in circles. I feel really rejected and think about ending it a lot because I don't think I deserve to be treat like this but for some reason I can't go through with it. I think deep down I'm hoping one day it'll change. I would love any help you can offer, both male and female perspectives.
jagdude14 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 So...I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years, we've lived together for just over 2 years. Around 2 years ago he fell out with his parents and due to stress/worry of this he lost interest in sex and it went down to about once or twice a month, this gradually lowered again until we stopped having sex altogether. That was two years ago now. Over the past two years I have tried everything to try and interest him in sex again - I've dressed up in outfits he used to love me wearing, I've tried talking to him several times, ive given him space, I've sent him picture messages at work, I've offered to go and see a counsellor together - and now I'm all out of options and to be honest sick of trying because I know I'll get rejected! He uses every excuse not to sleep with me, I'm too full, hot/cold, not in the mood, tired, drunk the list goes on! Everytime I bring it up he says all the right things such as how much he loves me and promises me hell sort himself out and knows what he needs to do but nothing changes and we go round and round in circles. I feel really rejected and think about ending it a lot because I don't think I deserve to be treat like this but for some reason I can't go through with it. I think deep down I'm hoping one day it'll change. I would love any help you can offer, both male and female perspectives. As a male I must say that if he is not interested in you now I don't see how he could after a marriage or continuing to date. A spark must have been lost the thin is it is not you. It is him. You sound like you have been an excellent GF and one a great guy needs. I am looking for someone willing to go to the end of the earth for a relationship just like you are. My ex just kicked me out like I don't matter. Well being in a relationship like you are and him treating you don't matter is down right wrong. Do not tie yourself to this guy until he either straightens up or you find someone who will treat you like a fantastic woman you are! 1
ScienceGal Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Have you told him you're considering ending the relationship due to this lack of intimacy? I would give him an ultimatum, counseling or you're leaving him. I've been in a sexless relationship before (my choice). It was the beginning of the end, and if my bf at the time hadn't made me talk about it, who knows when I would have!? Inside, I knew the relationship was over but I suppressed it (we were together for a couple years before I became uninterested in sex). I'm not saying this will happen to you. I'm saying there is a definite problem here and you should do what you need to in order to sort it out.
Hopeful714 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Are you sure it's stress? Seems to me from everything I've read...and its been tons...that usually its from: 1.) loss of interest in sex in general due to stress/depression/etc. 2.) loss of interest in you and or possible cheating 3.) a ED problem-can't get it up 4.) Too much masturbation/porn Either way it needs to be discussed (in a very gentle way). Depriving or with holding from you is not fair, and no you should not have to live this way. Discuss and try to solve this problem, if he can't work on this...you have reason to go.
TheGuard13 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I think the question you need to ask yourself is "Why do you stay?" That's why you don't leave. I'm kind of there myself, but it's partially because I keep making excuses not to talk to her about counseling. I'll say to myself "Oh, we'll talk about it tonight", but then we'll have a great night and I'll avoid doing it until a few days later, and it becomes a cycle. 1
destroyed4sho Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I think the question you need to ask yourself is "Why do you stay?" That's why you don't leave. I'm kind of there myself, but it's partially because I keep making excuses not to talk to her about counseling. I'll say to myself "Oh, we'll talk about it tonight", but then we'll have a great night and I'll avoid doing it until a few days later, and it becomes a cycle. My ex did this before dumping me. Can you explain why you avoid counseling or talking about it? It would really help me understand why my ex acted the way she did. Thanks!
TheGuard13 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I'm completely willing to go to counseling. I'm just reluctant to bring it up. Partially because she's not very open to criticism, or very good at communicating when criticism or issues are involved, and it can be a chore in itself. Part of it is that I'm trying to pick the right time. Part of it, I think, is me being upset that I have to go there in the first place. I'm more upset, I think, because this is my first long term/serious relationship after I divorced a woman I'd seen for 10 years, and had been to counseling with four or five times, all related mostly to her personal issues, insecurities, etc. The final counseling sessions did not go well at all, and left me a bit disillusioned with the whole process. I'm a realist about how well counseling will work, given the effort that my current girlfriend has put in (or refused to put into) our relationship when I asked her directly. I'm a little angry at myself for being in this position, and just disappointed that its come to this. Basically I'm just putting it off. I'm sure part of me fears what I already know is likely to happen. The end of the relationship, and the loss of all our potential as a couple.
brokenhearted91 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I kind of had the same problem with my ex, but it wasn't him that didn't want sex it was me. I couldn't explain it, because I actually WANTED to do it, but just couldn't get in the mood for it physically... I am putting it down possibly to the contraceptive pill as loss of sex drive can happen, but obviously this is different to your situation :/ Now he has finished with me, I want nothing more than to have sex with him... I guess you always want what you can't have.
Author Unsure1 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I stay because apart from this we have a good relationship and I hope things will change but after 2 years I am beginning to doubt that will ever happen. I've told him I don't want this to break us up and he doesn't either, so he says, so maybe as well I'm hoping if I ask for time apart it'll be the kick up the backside he needs to realise I'm not going to stand for it anymore.
TheGuard13 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Things don't change on their own. That's one thing I learned WELL from my 10 year relationship/marriage. Hoping things will change, without seeing some indication from the other person that they are truly willing to change (actions toward that point, not them saying they will), is immense folly, and a huge waste of time and energy. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Listen very carefully: As things apparently stand, you don't have a problem within this relationship. he has. So, if you tell him you need 'time apart' emphasise that it's for him to ascertain what his problem is. Not because you're trying to exert leverage and 'emotionally blackmail' him into doing something, in order to keep you. The 'time apart' is for you both to evaluate and assess the quality and dynamic of your relationship, not as an impetus or coercion into forcing something to come to a head. If you'll pardon the phraseology. If he deems that 'there's nothing wrong with the relationship!' then you already know you're reading from different books, let alone being on 'a different page'....
Author Unsure1 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Ok, so on Sunday I suggested to my boyfriend that we have a break to both clear our heads and for him to have a think about things. He agreed to make arrangements to stay somewhere else. Since I brought this up and we agreed he would go he's been very off with me - I understand he's upset, I am too but he's avoiding me while new arrangements are made, not speaking to me and sleeping in the spare room. I told him tonight that its hard for me too and I'm only doing it because I think it's for the best for our relationship. I asked if he wanted to say a week or so and then meet up or just as long as it takes and he agreed to the latter. I didn't want this to be awkward! I feel like I should avoid him too and give him space until he goes elsewhere..? I want this to make him realise what we've got but I guess time will tell.
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 You have just given him the perfect way out. I would be willing to bet a pound to a pinch of salt that he has known for a while that this thing "ain't working" but has been too complacent and reluctant to instigate anything. Now? Now you've done it for him, and you can bear the blame. Why agree to a 'break' so readily? Why leave it open-ended for 'just as long as it takes'...? If this is the case - consider yourselves well and truly 'broken up'. He will not initiate re-connecting with you. he doesn't want to work that hard, because he has no intention of changing to accommodate you. He's leaving. It's over, and you made it easy for him. But that's ok. You did good, you did the right thing. he has no idea what you think you've got, because he doesn't think you have anything. This is why he is so ready to walk. I'm sorry hun, but whether you like it or not - there's no such thing as an open-ended break. It's a break-UP. And I for one, believe you did exactly the right thing. Quit being so nice to him. You're not his mother. And he hasn't been very nice to you - has he?
Author Unsure1 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Why agree so readily - I have tried for 2 years, how much longer am I expected to try and help him for if he's not willing to help himself?! I appreciate your advice and haven't thought about it like that, reading that has made me see things differently. Do you think I should leave things as they are and wait for him to come back to me and tell me it's over or just ask him direct to tell me now and avoid wasting this time?
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Do you think I should leave things as they are and wait for him to come back to me and tell me it's over Stop making allowances. Quit thinking in terms of 'temporary'. This is it. Finished. Don't wait for him to come back' because he has no intention of doing so. He's the Dumper - trust me on this. It doesn't look as if he is, but he is. And this is his way out, so he's not going to back-pedal, here. Take it as read: It IS o.v.e.r. ....or just ask him direct to tell me now and avoid wasting this time? You don't need to ask him anything 'direct.' There is no 'wasting time'. He could not have made things clearer than through his instant agreement, his choice to 'see how it goes' (it's gone) and his now tetchy, short-tempered manner. All the signs are there. You don't need to ask him to hammer it home.
Mint Sauce Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 after 4 years together, the idea of this actually being the end must be hard, but I think Tara is right, I thought the same when reading your update. It's over, he's not willing to fight for what you have/had. He might be upset, but he's not panicking about losing you. You gave him a final gift: to take the big responsibility of the break-up out of his hands. He doesn't seem to have that strong a spine, so you could probably pressure him into giving it another shot, but I'd suggest you don't do that. If he doesn't have a light bulb moment and comes chasing after you with all he's got, it will only postpone the final verdict. It shows your strength of character that you ended this state of immobility, as it appears it will cause you more hurt than him. Kudos. Good luck in your healing! 2
stuckinuk Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) I agree with Tara, and though I'll quite possibly be tarred and feathered for it, I do so because in many ways I'm in the same position as your boyfriend. My wife and I are hardly ever intimate (once every couple of months after she has become angry about the lack of intimacy) and there are other issues, but on the surface or to outsiders it would appear we have a great marriage - lots of laughing and humor, on the surface we have shared interests, and not a lot of arguing - pretty much only about intimacy, no money arguments, have no children so no children arguments. Truth of the matter is though that I want desperately out (have for a lot of years) and have talked with her on multiple occasions about it but it always goes very, very badly and I always cave in to her threats of self harm and her begging to not throw it all away. You've done what I wish more than anything my wife would do. I've just started counseling for my issues in hopes it will teach me how to get out of my situation. Personally I think you've done the right thing in your relationship. Edited March 5, 2013 by stuckinuk missed a word
Author Unsure1 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Thank you both for your response. It is very hard to deal with this being the end after so long and after I've tried so hard and given it everything I have! On the surface we appear to have a great relationship to everyone else too, doing stuff together, lots of laughs, no arguments (apart from about sex) if only they knew! I suppose because during this time he's always said how much he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me, I've never actually thought he would want out but I guess he does. He hasn't actually found anywhere to stay yet and obviously hasn't had a 'light bulb moment' so I think we'll just go our separate ways
1up Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Thank you both for your response. It is very hard to deal with this being the end after so long and after I've tried so hard and given it everything I have! On the surface we appear to have a great relationship to everyone else too, doing stuff together, lots of laughs, no arguments (apart from about sex) if only they knew! I suppose because during this time he's always said how much he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me, I've never actually thought he would want out but I guess he does. He hasn't actually found anywhere to stay yet and obviously hasn't had a 'light bulb moment' so I think we'll just go our separate ways Hi Unsure1, I am in a similar situation. Though I'm the partner who doesn't want to have sex. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 8 years and I haven't instigated sex for 2 years now and we have been fighting about this for awhile now to the point where its ruining our relationship. She's basically had enough, but besides us not having sex, I love everything else about us, but I understand you cant have a relationship if your not having sex. Im going to see a councillor next week but I think in my heart I know its really over, but Im wanting a professional opinion on it all. I want nothing else but myself to not be this way to my girlfriend and give her the intimacy we once had, but I just cant find the spark anymore. I love her, but the intimacy and attraction has just gone
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