Casual Encounters

[pontellier]

In June of 2011, I did something completely out of the ordinary--I posted an ad on Craigslist's Casual Encounters seeking a handsome, thoughtful, intelligent man to share an evening of drinks with the possibility of no-strings relations. I had spent the entire year focusing on myself--furthering my career, losing 60 lbs and purging people from my life who no longer had any right to be in it. I was lonely and horny and had an insatiable urge to be with someone.

 

I was blown away by the number of responses I received and I began sifting through the raunchy replies sent by shady-looking men standing in front of their dirty bathroom mirrors, or worse, over their toilets. I opened a reply from a man named David--someone whose wit, picture and nerdy-charm made me feel at ease. We met for drinks and ended up having the best unintended first date that either of us had ever experienced. We both expected nervous and mindless banter, but discovered a mutual career in the arts and tons of similar interests. We talked for hours and hung on to the other's every word. We ended up having sex that first night and it was unforgettable for the both of us. Although neither of us were looking for a relationship, we both felt that we simply could not ignore the connection we have.

 

The second time we met, we had a discussion about becoming something more. He told me then that he needed to be completely honest upfront about several things he felt that I should be aware of: he was separated and in the final stages of getting a divorce from his wife (he is now divorced) and that he has participated in some non-traditional sexual practices in the past (mfm threesomes and attending sex clubs).

 

I love sex...I can't seem to get enough! I am adventurous and am always open to new experiences, but his revelation frightened me. David has assured me throughout our relationship that these practices were extracurricular activities and he valued monogamy, especially monogamy with me, very highly.

 

Fast forward to today, a year and a half later. David is the love and light of my life. We share nearly every day together and our relationship is fantastic. We are making plans to spend the rest of our lives together--talking about moving to NYC in August, he's asking about rings and I am reading and discussing literature with him as to how to best serve the role as a stepmother to his young son. We have met each other's families and everything was great.

 

Throughout our relationship, I have had a deep gut-feeling that this man is truly in love with me. That this is what love is supposed to be and that we are meant to be together. However, my gut has also been telling me that his past sexual activities are an indication of something darker than he may be willing to admit to himself. How could someone give up such an exciting lifestyle for monogamous sex?

 

We have had issues with trust throughout our relationship and he has always been very open with me about his past. I, playing the role of the 'snoopy' paranoid girlfriend, have checked his phone messages and calls many times throughout our relationship to check into his activities. Something always seemed to be off inside of me. In the first six months of our relationship, he would receive texts from couples who he used to 'play' with. I confronted him with this information around and he assured me that nothing was going on--that the texts were random and unsolicited. The texts were always one-sided, he never responded.

 

In January, we were hanging out and he was googling something in his browser. I noticed that Craigslist Dallas came up when he was typing a search. My stomach completely turned. I didn't say anything and waited until a week later to check his browser history. There were 3-5 ads on craigslist's casual encounters for mw4m that he viewed on that particular day. Nothing else. I confronted him and he admitted to looking at it and said that it was like porn to him. He indicated that he did not reply to the ads and that I needed to trust him that he was not sleeping with anyone else, nor intended to.

 

On Thursday, we were lying in bed when he received an unexpected text message from a man named Darren. It was a very simple "Hey man, how was your week?" This very obviously disturbed him and after much prodding (and a lot of revised stories on his end), found out it was the husband of a couple he found on craigslist the week before (at least a month after our conversation in January). According to David, he responded to their ad and exchanged numbers to text. The conversation lasted approximately 20 minutes and then David said he felt very guilty and deleted everything from his email and ended his conversation with this person. David assures me that he had no intent of meeting this couple, or anyone in person. That it would be crossing a major line to sleep with anyone else. I do believe that he has not slept with anyone else, but him responding to craigslist ads is STILL crossing a major line that I am not at all ok with--and he knew this.

 

I broke up with him immediately. I honestly felt a little relieved. While our relationship was amazing in so many ways, I was so exhausted from the worry.

 

He came over the next day unexpectedly because there were things of his in my apartment. He was devastated and emotionally raw. He said all of the things every Craiglist guy says (according to the myriad of similar stories I have read when I googled 'I caught my boyfriend responding to craigslist ads'). "I was bored. I just needed my ego stroked. It was just exciting in a porn way. I would have never gone through with it." He admitted that he had a problem and said that this was not the first time that he had done something like this. That he had responded to several ads over the summer and in our first year together. He assures me that it never went any further than that. That he doesn't want to lie about any of it and that he wants us to work through this. He swears to never cross this line again and that he can't live without me. He wants us to seek counseling together and is willing to go through the ringer to gain me back.

 

I don't want to be weak and I definitely do not want to excuse his behavior. But, as stupid as this might sound, I'm not sure that I'm ready to give up on us. I'm not afraid of being alone and I know that I will meet many other fantastic men. But I do not like the idea of the man not being him. I don't want to be without him. I really do feel that we have something incredibly special that is a very unique bond. Our relationship is wonderful. I am just devastated that he has done this behind my back. I told him I would consider a reconciliation, but needed time.

 

I asked him to meet me somewhere last night so that we could talk. I was going to end everything for good. All I could keep thinking about was how wrong he was to respond to that ad, to initiate this 'Darren' person into his phonebook, how hurt I am. But, as I waited for him to arrive, I became so unsure. How could I just throw everything away? David had been with his best friend and he told me that he told this friend everything. Every detail (including how we met) to his entire history. David reiterated how serious he is about fixing this. About fixing us and making this up to me. He knows and acknowledges how bad he's ****ed up and I know that he is serious about changing things.

 

What do you guys think? I am confident that this man loves me, but my gut was right all along with regards to the issues that he need to be resolved. Can someone really ever change these compulsions? I want to give him another shot and I want us to work through this, but I fear that our situation will turn out like so many others---that after some time, this will keep happening.

 

Not sure what to do and am just trying to stay strong.

[CarrieT]

I am curious how old you guys are.

 

I ask because I used to be like you and I started a relationship with someone via CL in almost the exact manner you did - and it ended very similarly because my Ex started doing the same thing = going back to CL to look for the next conquest.

 

Can someone really ever change these compulsions? I want to give him another shot and I want us to work through this, but I fear that our situation will turn out like so many others---that after some time, this will keep happening.

 

But, here is the shoe on the other foot: YOU (as am I) are guilty of having gone to CL for a Casual Encounter. Did you go back for more? I did in the confines of being single, but not whilst I was in a relationship.

 

I am currently in a relationship with a guy (and engaged!) but understand the compulsions still exist within me and my guy knows of my varied past and trusts me not give in to those compulsions.

 

But we are middle aged and have had a number of long-term relationships, both desiring the stability of a single relationship.

 

Your guy might still be too young and has a number of years of needing to get this out of his system. He is lying if he says he is doing it just to "stroke his ego." The desires are far more in depth than that.

 

I am sure there is a part of him that wants a long-term, stable relationship. But if you two can't be completely open and honest about your sexual desires, than it will never work. He has tasted the world of swinging and may not want to give that up. I fear he may lie to you to get that stability he wants, but will revert to his fetish ways.

[BetrayedH]

I checked my wife's internet history and discovered that she'd been to hotwifeblog.com, a site for women to share stories of their extramarital affairs and cuckold husbands. I asked her about it, of course, and she explained it away as reading erotica, much like men view porn. Fast forward a few weeks and I discovered that she had been in an affair with her boss for a year. She was remorseful, said all the right things, blah, blah, blah. I tried to reconcile with her. Fast forward eight more months and I discovered that she'd actually submitted a story to the site about her first encounter with the OM, on my couch, with the kids asleep in the next room. Bear in mind that she had previously told me that I knew everything, that the OM had never been to my house, that she would never lie to me again, and so forth.

 

We're divorced.

 

You're not married and have no kids with this guy? Move on. Life is too short to spend it with a liar.

[pontellier]

Thanks for all of your thoughtful replies. For the record, he's 40 and I'm 28, fabulous and moving on without him. Thanks for grounding me in reality when I was about to buy his bull****.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for all of your thoughtful replies. For the record, he's 40 and I'm 28, fabulous and moving on without him. Thanks for grounding me in reality when I was about to buy his bull****.

 

The fact that he trickled the truth to you is a major indicator that you would likely NEVER know the full truth. At first it was just that he responded to an ad. Then, after you broke up with him, he gave you some more truth that it had happened more than once. Trickle-truth is common enough around here that it gets its own abbreviation as TT. They give you just enough, maybe a little more than you already knew, so they can keep hiding the rest. It's always that it was "just once" or "we held hands but never had sex" or "I've been setting up dates on CL but never went on one." Sorry, but the likelihood is that you should be tested for STDs.

[Act Two]

With hindsight being 20/20, for me, I would now never go further in a relationship that had glaring red flags. The red flags here, with all due respect are hot balls of fire.

 

I echo the idea that without other ties such as children I would run. All of these things that seem problematic in the beginning that you think you can fix, just turn into bigger issues down the road. Unless you think you can be happy or content living with his compulsion, I would not go into thinking you can fix him or that he can fix it himself. The fact that he is 40 to me says he might be set in this type of lifestyle.

 

I think you are right to feel confident to move on from this relationship. When you are tempted to gloss over it or remember it as wonderful, just remember "Darren."

[Spark1111]

I think in addition to everything else, Darren may be bi-sexual and uses the man woman man as the ruse to participate with his true fantasy, another man.

 

Otherwise, why hide and keep it secret?

 

Darren, whether he realizes it or not, may be trying to come out of a closet regarding his sexuality.

 

if this is the case, you would be his last ditch effort to convince himself he is not gay.

 

You want to get involved in this? I see heartbreak in your future if you do.

 

take a long break from Darren until he stops lying and discovers who he really wants to partner with.

[Just a Guy]

After reading your initial post and stepping back, I have been left wondering why you are surprised with the result that you got. After all Craiglist is hardly the place to go IF you were looking for a stable relationship. But then of course you went there for a casual relationship and NSA sex. That is how you should have kept it. CL will be full of predators especially the 'Wolves in sheep's clothing' kind and David certainly seems to fill the bill. If you go into a den of thieves then you can expect to be robbed.

 

If you had wanted something better than a casual relationship then you should look at legitimate dating sites meant for people like you wanting a long term solid relationship. In fact I am wondering as to why you went to CL in the first place when you are only 28 years old? All things being equal I would suppose that deep down you would have wanted a stable long term relationship which is why you fell into the trap set by David. Did you ever ask him why he and his wife got divorced? Actually that is something you should have asked his ex wife. May be you would have got the real truth and not the stuff he handed out to you. Anyway if you have severed relations with him then you have acted wisely and you can put this down to gaining valuable experience. I would guess he would have been a charmer and being an older man would have appealed to you as it is a fact that some women like older men for their maturity and emotional strength. The only thing is David did not have it! Best wishes to you.

[Jonah]

Congratulations! You have done what few others here on love Shack have been able to do! Found someone that you are actually compatible with! Both with insatiable appetites. Hey and he is honest too! Ooh he opened up and shared that with you then he must really trust you. And love you My call is yes stick with the affair just as it is. he may like you enough to listen to you if you were game to try some boundaries... But don't be surprised if he slips up. Compliment the man on his bravery. Look around here...who received better honesty?

[nofool4u]

I checked my wife's internet history and discovered that she'd been to hotwifeblog.com

 

We're divorced.

 

LOL, she must think quite highly of herself going to a site called hotwife. Good you are divorced. She can be someone elses problem now, and them hers.

[LoveTKO]

wow!....where should I start? Are you for real, expecting to embark on a committed, meaningful relationship with an internet sex addict? A leopard doesn't lose is spots. Also, whenever addicts get busted, they always have this uncanny ability to conjure up a defense or alibi out of nowhere. Just remember........ this man is harboring some very dark secrets from you and you haven't even scratched the surface. He was probably involved in cuckolding, "hot wife", rusty trombone, "water sports" and a myriad of other unsavory activities while you two were planning a future together.....

[2sunny]

You were asking the same questions about a year ago.

 

Since you have evidence that shows he still communicates in that arena - you better believe he's still participating.

 

Only a fool would believe there's nothing to all his excuses for keeping that part of his "interests" alive.

 

Also - did his divorce ever get finalized? You started off dating a married man who never sees his son... That's not a good sign.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also - did his divorce ever get finalized? You started off dating a married man who never sees his son... That's not a good sign.

That you met on Craigslist when he answered your ad for a NSA relationship. And you slept him with the first time you saw him.

 

Sigh....

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited February 26, 2013 by Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not sure which is worse--getting a man from Craigs List or getting a couch from Craigs List.

I wouldn't lay on either one :eek: ...

 

Mr. Lucky