how do you know the right choice?

[ecdimh]

ok, so I know I will most likely get a lot of flak from the members here..im not looking for sympathy, but rather, a place to get everything out, and maybe even some opinions, whether they be good or bad.

 

I got married in October 2012..we had been together since July 2011, and have known each other for about six years. I had just gotten out of a pretty terrible three year relationship, which I have a daughter from. That seperation started like the countless amounts of others that my childs mother and I had..seperate for a day or two, I come back home and we push through everything, mainly for our daughter. I had my daughter the night of the seperation, and after putting her to bed, her mother and I discussed how we were going to work everything out over the phone. She told me she loved me, wanted it to work out, etc. Said she was tired and was going to sleep. The next day, I find out she invited the neighbor over and a few of his friends and they all got drunk together, and she slept with one of his friends. The fact that she slept with someone else didnt hurt me, she had cheated a few times in the past on me, it hurt that she told me she loved me then slept with someone she just met.

 

So in the end she ends up in a relationship with the neighbor, I end up in a relationship with my wife. She ends up pregnant by this guy, which absolutely destroys me..I guess I always had a little bit of hope that I would someday be able to have my family back, but that pretty much went down the drain.

 

Fast forward ten months, and I am now married..the planning process was a complete disaster, with her mom and sisters taking over the whole event, me within inches of calling off the wedding. There was a few times where I started having doubts during the engagement, but I kept chalking it up to the insane amount of stress I was going through, and pre-wedding jitters.. There was a little bit of drama during the wedding, but I guess I expected there to be, knowing how my family is and how her family is. The first month after the wedding was great. It was around the holidays that I started having serious serious doubts. I was never really comfortable bringing my daughter around her family, and only allowed it maybe twice before the wedding. After the wedding, there were a few more holiday related parties on her side we attended where my daughter was present, and the whole time was basically them not approving of my daughter. God forbid a three year old child doesnt say thank you, please, yes mam etc. I would always catch the looks between them, and at one point my sister in law asked me if my daughter has ever been taught manners, simply because my daughter didnt answer a question.

 

My wife also started acting like her mother and sisters after the wedding, with an attitude of "look at me" and im better than you, etc. Not too big of a deal, but adds up. She also tried taking over the complete mommy role with my daughter, which wasnt necessary as her mother is in her life.

 

I told her about 3-4 weeks ago that I wasnt happy in the marriage, and I thought we should seperate. I initially refused marriage counselling, but have agreed to it recently. I know many of my issues stem from my previous relationship with my daughters mother. I would give anything in this world to have my real family back, and yet, I know it will never happen. I feel like I rushed into this marriage, because I wanted that family life back, I wanted that family feeling back. Waking up each morning for work, and instead of being happy that im waking up next to my wife, I am upset that I have awoken to find the last couple years of my life wasnt just a nightmare, that I have woken up in this apartment with my wife, and not woken up in that house with my daughter in the next room running into the bedroom to wake up mommy and daddy. Im upset that my daughters mother was the one to destroy my family, and yet, shes able to lead a happier life than I am. Im upset that she was the cause of my leaving, and yet, was awarded 80% of the time with my daughter. Im upset that millions of people are able to move on and breaking up a family, are able to start new families...and yet, here I am, not sure if my current marriage is what I want or not.

 

I can honestly say that I do love my wife. She is a good person, has a great heart, always helps out whoever she can...but I just cant bring myself to fully love her like one deserves to be loved in a marriage. I will never be able to bring myself to give her children or a family of her own..I will never be able to accept or be comfortable with my daughter around her family...I will never be able to accept the fact that holiday time with my daughter will have be to split between my family and her family...taking time away from my daughters relatives, which is already slim enough. I find myself thinking maybe she was just a long term rebound that I got very very confused with. Ive always been on top of feelings, have always known what I wanted, but not this time.

 

Do I stay simply because I made a commitment and at least try to make it work out, or do I listen to my conscience? How do I know what the right choice is?

[aMguilts]

ok, so I know I will most likely get a lot of flak from the members here..im not looking for sympathy, but rather, a place to get everything out, and maybe even some opinions, whether they be good or bad.

 

I got married in October 2012..we had been together since July 2011, and have known each other for about six years. I had just gotten out of a pretty terrible three year relationship, which I have a daughter from. That seperation started like the countless amounts of others that my childs mother and I had..seperate for a day or two, I come back home and we push through everything, mainly for our daughter. I had my daughter the night of the seperation, and after putting her to bed, her mother and I discussed how we were going to work everything out over the phone. She told me she loved me, wanted it to work out, etc. Said she was tired and was going to sleep. The next day, I find out she invited the neighbor over and a few of his friends and they all got drunk together, and she slept with one of his friends. The fact that she slept with someone else didnt hurt me, she had cheated a few times in the past on me, it hurt that she told me she loved me then slept with someone she just met.

 

So in the end she ends up in a relationship with the neighbor, I end up in a relationship with my wife. She ends up pregnant by this guy, which absolutely destroys me..I guess I always had a little bit of hope that I would someday be able to have my family back, but that pretty much went down the drain.

 

Fast forward ten months, and I am now married..the planning process was a complete disaster, with her mom and sisters taking over the whole event, me within inches of calling off the wedding. There was a few times where I started having doubts during the engagement, but I kept chalking it up to the insane amount of stress I was going through, and pre-wedding jitters.. There was a little bit of drama during the wedding, but I guess I expected there to be, knowing how my family is and how her family is. The first month after the wedding was great. It was around the holidays that I started having serious serious doubts. I was never really comfortable bringing my daughter around her family, and only allowed it maybe twice before the wedding. After the wedding, there were a few more holiday related parties on her side we attended where my daughter was present, and the whole time was basically them not approving of my daughter. God forbid a three year old child doesnt say thank you, please, yes mam etc. I would always catch the looks between them, and at one point my sister in law asked me if my daughter has ever been taught manners, simply because my daughter didnt answer a question.

 

My wife also started acting like her mother and sisters after the wedding, with an attitude of "look at me" and im better than you, etc. Not too big of a deal, but adds up. She also tried taking over the complete mommy role with my daughter, which wasnt necessary as her mother is in her life.

 

I told her about 3-4 weeks ago that I wasnt happy in the marriage, and I thought we should seperate. I initially refused marriage counselling, but have agreed to it recently. I know many of my issues stem from my previous relationship with my daughters mother. I would give anything in this world to have my real family back, and yet, I know it will never happen. I feel like I rushed into this marriage, because I wanted that family life back, I wanted that family feeling back. Waking up each morning for work, and instead of being happy that im waking up next to my wife, I am upset that I have awoken to find the last couple years of my life wasnt just a nightmare, that I have woken up in this apartment with my wife, and not woken up in that house with my daughter in the next room running into the bedroom to wake up mommy and daddy. Im upset that my daughters mother was the one to destroy my family, and yet, shes able to lead a happier life than I am. Im upset that she was the cause of my leaving, and yet, was awarded 80% of the time with my daughter. Im upset that millions of people are able to move on and breaking up a family, are able to start new families...and yet, here I am, not sure if my current marriage is what I want or not.

 

I can honestly say that I do love my wife. She is a good person, has a great heart, always helps out whoever she can...but I just cant bring myself to fully love her like one deserves to be loved in a marriage. I will never be able to bring myself to give her children or a family of her own..I will never be able to accept or be comfortable with my daughter around her family...I will never be able to accept the fact that holiday time with my daughter will have be to split between my family and her family...taking time away from my daughters relatives, which is already slim enough. I find myself thinking maybe she was just a long term rebound that I got very very confused with. Ive always been on top of feelings, have always known what I wanted, but not this time.

 

Do I stay simply because I made a commitment and at least try to make it work out, or do I listen to my conscience? How do I know what the right choice is?

 

hiya ecdimh

 

you already know the answer

 

you go. you dont love her do you

 

aM

[Darren Steez]

Seems to me you're afraid of being hurt again. Maybe you did rush into marriage rather quickly when you were on the rebound, but what is done is done.

 

You say your wife is a good woman with a good heart yet in the same paragraph you say she's turning into your in laws. You can't change how your wife's family act, but you have to step up and put your foot down if they are treating your daughter in such a way.

 

Seems to me you're focusing on your ex and how she's doing instead of focusing on your own marriage. You can't move forward if you keep harboring all this regret, you made a choice, got married now work on it. Your ex is gone and happy.

 

Your family, that's it. Focus on that and things might get better.

[aMguilts]

sorry fellow gooner:)

i disagree

 

ecdimh

what do you really want?

 

aM

[ecdimh]

sorry fellow gooner:)

i disagree

 

ecdimh

what do you really want?

 

aM

 

I want to be happy. Whether that means being with my wife, or not being with my wife. Even though knowing the world will revolve regardless of what decision is made, I am deathly afraid of making the "wrong" choice, and realizing that five or ten years down the road, whatever that may be.

 

All of this has destroyed my wife. And whether I figure out I truly do love her, or that I dont want to be with her, I want to be able to give her a straight and final answer so she can move on with her life and find someone that loves her the way she deserves to be loved, if that may be the case. I dont want to constantly hurt her, or to hurt her at all. I want her to be happy and ok, have the family she has begged me to give her, and know the love she has for someone is being returned back.

[aMguilts]

it`s destrying you too isn`t it?

i know you love her and you want it to work.

 

but you aren`t happy in yourself are you?

and until you are happy and know what you really want, without a shadow of a doubt... how can you make anyone else happy??

 

You need to find YOU 1st

even YOU dont` know what you want do you?

aM

[ecdimh]

it`s destrying you too isn`t it?

i know you love her and you want it to work.

 

but you aren`t happy in yourself are you?

and until you are happy and know what you really want, without a shadow of a doubt... how can you make anyone else happy??

 

You need to find YOU 1st

even YOU dont` know what you want do you?

aM

 

It destroys me to the core..I am the only male in my family, with four sisters, so I was always raised to respect women, and I like to think my parents did a good job on that. Ive always had a big issue with how people perceive me, or how I treat people. I hate knowing ive hurt someone so much, without any "real" reason.

 

I cant say whether im happy in and of myself or not. That is something I have struggled with for the last 13 years pretty much. I cant remember the last time I was truly honestly happy with who I am. I dont even know what it feels like to know what real long term happiness is. I dont know that I have ever felt that.

 

I dont know what I want. I do know that I would rather live a short, happy, fulfilling life rather than a long empty life. This is the first time in my life where im at a crossroads, and the end result is dependant on the choice I make in the present. The choices I make over the next six months (we are technically separated, however still living together sleeping in different bedrooms until the lease is up in August) will probably determine the next few years of my life, and most likely have an impact on me forever. And that scares the hell out of me.

 

It scares the hell out of me that I have 100% control over not only my life, but my wife's as well. That if I do decide to leave, its a one sided choice and not something she would have control over. I hate knowing that I have control over a major aspect of someone else's life. I wish she would just tell me she doesnt want to make it work, she wants to move on. I fear that if we make it passed this hurdle...that I will end up in this same state of feelings and emotions, and crushing her soul and spirit again in the future.

[Darren Steez]

I still think it was a rebound relationship due to the fact OP haboured and still harbours hope of having "his family" back together again.

 

The family acting like jerks just serves to widen the little fissures that were there in a bond that wasn't that strong to begin with

 

Ultimately if you're that unhappy then you have to follow your heart, however unpleasant you feel it maybe to your wife.

 

Problem with being married is you make a commitment to someone, it works both ways, that's the deal. But if you're unhappy and can't see a future then it best to do right by you, and ultimately by her, letting her go so she can find her happiness elsewhere..in time

[ecdimh]

I still think it was a rebound relationship due to the fact OP haboured and still harbours hope of having "his family" back together again.

 

The family acting like jerks just serves to widen the little fissures that were there in a bond that wasn't that strong to begin with

 

Ultimately if you're that unhappy then you have to follow your heart, however unpleasant you feel it maybe to your wife.

 

Problem with being married is you make a commitment to someone, it works both ways, that's the deal. But if you're unhappy and can't see a future then it best to do right by you, and ultimately by her, letting her go so she can find her happiness elsewhere..in time

 

I in no way, shape, or form still harbour any type of hope of ever having my family back together again. The problems we had in that relationship were very huge problems. Do I still love/have strong feelings for my ex? Yes..I believe I always will. Regardless of that relationship working out, she gave me the most beautiful gift I have ever received, and will ever receive, and for that she will always hold a huge piece of my heart. That, and the fact that I firmly believe had she listened to my countless amounts of pleas for her to get psychiatric help for all of her issues, we would still be a family to this day. In fact, her new relationship is just about the exact same as the one we had, so I know she hasnt changed, and most likely never will. I loved her very much, and she could come to me right now begging to reconcile, and I wouldnt go back. That relationship was very toxic, and to be honest, im surprised I made it out alive.

 

As for the bond that wasnt that strong..idk, I may be wrong, but theres something about her that I love being around. She knows all of my deepest darkest secrets where not another soul will ever know about if we end up divorcing. I trust her with my life, and with my kids life even. She made the biggest impact on me during my seperation with my ex, and maybe thats what made me fall for her originally. She's a beautiful person, both inside and outside. The sex is the most amazing sex ive ever had (which I guess doesnt say much as she is only the fourth person ive ever slept with), is very open minded when it comes to sex, knows me inside out, and the list goes on. People would kill to have even just a girlfriend like her, none the less a wife. And yet, I cant seem to be happy. I cant seem to feel enough love for her, like a great wife should be loved.

 

And perhaps thats what upsets me the most. I have what will probably be the closest to a perfect wife (in a sense...we all have our negative qualities), and I cant even be positive thats what I want.

[aMguilts]

I in no way, shape, or form still harbour any type of hope of ever having my family back together again. The problems we had in that relationship were very huge problems. Do I still love/have strong feelings for my ex? Yes..I believe I always will. Regardless of that relationship working out, she gave me the most beautiful gift I have ever received, and will ever receive, and for that she will always hold a huge piece of my heart. That, and the fact that I firmly believe had she listened to my countless amounts of pleas for her to get psychiatric help for all of her issues, we would still be a family to this day. In fact, her new relationship is just about the exact same as the one we had, so I know she hasnt changed, and most likely never will. I loved her very much, and she could come to me right now begging to reconcile, and I wouldnt go back. That relationship was very toxic, and to be honest, im surprised I made it out alive.

 

As for the bond that wasnt that strong..idk, I may be wrong, but theres something about her that I love being around. She knows all of my deepest darkest secrets where not another soul will ever know about if we end up divorcing. I trust her with my life, and with my kids life even. She made the biggest impact on me during my seperation with my ex, and maybe thats what made me fall for her originally. She's a beautiful person, both inside and outside. The sex is the most amazing sex ive ever had (which I guess doesnt say much as she is only the fourth person ive ever slept with), is very open minded when it comes to sex, knows me inside out, and the list goes on. People would kill to have even just a girlfriend like her, none the less a wife. And yet, I cant seem to be happy. I cant seem to feel enough love for her, like a great wife should be loved.

 

And perhaps thats what upsets me the most. I have what will probably be the closest to a perfect wife (in a sense...we all have our negative qualities), and I cant even be positive thats what I want.

 

this is a 2 way street with all cars on the opposite side of where they should be

your wife is not perfect, mine is.

You don`t have the perfect wife...cos i`m married to her

see what i`m saying?

 

you are putting her on a pedestal, that is the only thing you are doing wrong.

aM

[Cali408]

Stay with your wife and go to marriage counseling. Focus on your relationship with her. You probably rebounded too fast and are still in competition with your ex. Lose that part of it. You have her on a pedestal. She had a kid with your neighbor for God's sake. There is no loyalty there, as well as not using protection, just letting some tomcat drop sperm in her. She's not smart either.

 

Think logically here. It's okay to love someone, you just need to accept it's never going to work with the ex.

 

Everyone settles because no one is perfect. Work on your marriage and what you could describe as happiness in the marriage. You like sex a certain way? communicate. You like certain meals? tell her. Be affectionate, tell her you love her, it will come back. Stop this fairy tail of what ifs that can't and won't happen.

[ecdimh]

this is a 2 way street with all cars on the opposite side of where they should be

your wife is not perfect, mine is.

You don`t have the perfect wife...cos i`m married to her

see what i`m saying?

 

you are putting her on a pedestal, that is the only thing you are doing wrong.

aM

 

Yes, I do see what you're saying..I didnt mean perfect in the natural sense, I meant it as she is everything I would want in a wife, sorry for the confusion on that part lol

 

Stay with your wife and go to marriage counseling. Focus on your relationship with her. You probably rebounded too fast and are still in competition with your ex. Lose that part of it. You have her on a pedestal. She had a kid with your neighbor for God's sake. There is no loyalty there, as well as not using protection, just letting some tomcat drop sperm in her. She's not smart either.

 

Think logically here. It's okay to love someone, you just need to accept it's never going to work with the ex.

 

Everyone settles because no one is perfect. Work on your marriage and what you could describe as happiness in the marriage. You like sex a certain way? communicate. You like certain meals? tell her. Be affectionate, tell her you love her, it will come back. Stop this fairy tail of what ifs that can't and won't happen.

 

I have expressed my interest in going to counselling with her, and she has said she will set something up. I've also decided to see a doctor on my own, and get put on some type of medication, which I believe, may be the biggest cause of my issues and my unhappiness. I feel like I dont function normally, or not how I should function in every day life. I have accepted that it will never work with my ex..I know that one or a fact. However, I do also realize that that relationship, as well as the ending of it, caused a lot of mental and emotional damage to myself, and I want to get that fixed. I owe it not only to my wife as I made a commitment to love her, but also to myself, so I can be happy finally.

 

Thank you for your brutal honesty, I very much appreciate it...you guys have been a tremendous help the last few days, and I dont know how I can repay any of you...we have a "date" tonight to just discuss everything and everything thats been going on in my head..and like I said in my OP, this will be a place for me to get things off my chest, kind of like a journal, so I do plan on posting updates here and there, to kind of chronicle my journey in all of this.