How Long Did Withdrawal Last?

[tulip80]

Hey guys

 

You know that feeling of coming down off a REALLY bad high?

 

or am I just crazy?

 

Anyway curious to know how long withdrawal lasted

 

I'm typically such a confident and successful person and I found that allowing myself to give into this man and have an emotional affair (worse than physical..from my experience) was SOUL shattering and did something to my self esteem that I cannot even explain.

 

Funny enough..I finally put my foot down. Even then I still feel like I'm "mourning" a loss. Sounds STUPID, I know but I knew it was the right thing to do and I'd tried to do it 3x before but this time I was CRYSTAL clear and VERY intense..

 

Even went as far as telling him to delete everything as I had and that my man will have access to all of my stuff (not that he does..but I don't want him to feel I'm gonna sneak around on him anymore. We always had an open and trusting relationship where he COULD look at my email or Facebook or something if he ever wanted to--not that he did)

 

So I'm wondering..how long did withdrawal symptoms last and were you the one to disconnect or did they do it to you?

 

I heard someone say it was PURE agony and that the healing doesn't happen gradually but actually sharply..which I agree with because times before I'd "soft" disconnect from him and the first 3 days I felt a mess and I kid you not..come day 5, perhaps, HUGE difference. I had a bit more pep in my step...could think straighter..and I'll be darned..small feelings of passion were starting to return for my man..

 

This time around I'm 2 days into it and I think I only feel upset because I had to put my foot down at a time he needed me as a friend..his mom died from cancer last week...but I really thought to myself...was he ever a caring friend to me? I was civil and wished him well..but basically told him I don't want to hear from him again and would delete any forms of communication.

 

I read somewhere else that someone's withdrawal lasted 3 weeks...and after that they felt better and that within a few months TOTALLY renewed. Maybe I'm weird, but I've found in previous relationships/breakups..I'm usually a MESS for about a week..and it's like I go from black to white and feel ok.

 

How long did withdrawal last for you and when did you snap out of it? When you did..how did you feel and how did you see that person? In a different light?

[tulip80]

It's been 8 months & still withdrawaling. I'd probably be further in recovery if it wasn't for things about ex-mm being brought to my attention, but yeah it's been tough. The crying has lessened, I think. I can't wait til I am fully recovered from it. But hey, at the end of the day you have to take responsibilty for yourself cuz when you play with fire you will get burned. Lesson learned.

 

Yep..that's exactly what I said...The fire was tempting..I resisted it for 2 months..and broke down in weeks of being away from my guy on business. Doesn't make it right and I still burned myself in the end even if I was the one to finally disconnect from him. It hasn't been easy..I just know if I don't do this it's a path to self destruction and nobody wins. I've had to keep pepping myself and even asked my girlfriend to hold me accountable so whenever I feel sorry for him I run and tell her and she reminds me how careless he was with me and how I don't want to make this mistake again.

 

I'm typically such a strong person..the feelings of weakness are enough karma for me to never want to allow this to happen again and I'm hoping in a few more days when I've gotten rid of the "shakiness" that I can start working on myself as a person to be the best girl my guy deserves.

[tulip80]

I am typically a strong person too & if some of my friends & family saw how I was coping (or wasn't coping I should say) they'd be in shock. If I could go back to me at the two month recovery mark and say something to myself it would be...MAKE SURE NOTHING ABOUT HIM GETS BROUGHT TO YOUR ATTENTION...NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGG! (Songs, social media, pics, videos, friends talking about him, nothing) It will set you back to the very beginning. Stay strong!

 

 

Yes...I've literally deleted EVERYTHING..Baby pictures..pictures of his mom that passed away from cancer last week..I've thrown away EVERY business tool or book that he has ever sent to me (even though he sent them before any of this started) and literally searched my entire email account and deleted EVERY email..even just the business ones that were transaction reminders..not to much personal.

 

Literally had to eradicate him. One thing I can say, though, is that he's still on my Skype/Facebook. Doubt he'll try to bother me.

 

I think the seriousness of my words with this last NC ultimatum probably made him cry.

[Catplates]

A couple of years.

[tulip80]

Dang..there must be something weird about me because I start feeling a LOT better right after the week mark... Sad to see months and years but thank you all for your honesty.. I cannot imagine feeling tortured for that long.

[thefooloftheyear]

Dang..there must be something weird about me because I start feeling a LOT better right after the week mark... Sad to see months and years but thank you all for your honesty.. I cannot imagine feeling tortured for that long.

 

One week?? Really?

 

 

I'd think many people spend more time than that grieving over hitting a squirrel in the road. I just cannot fathom that someone can walk away from any kind of interpersonal relationship and feel demonstrably better in a week.

 

I envy you...I think....

 

 

TFOY

[tulip80]

One week?? Really?

 

 

I'd think many people spend more time than that grieving over hitting a squirrel in the road. I just cannot fathom that someone can walk away from any kind of interpersonal relationship and feel demonstrably better in a week.

 

I envy you...I think....

 

 

TFOY

 

 

LOL..not saying I'll be completed "healed" in one week, but I have this sharp turn around the corner and feel like a cloud has been MOSTLY lifted,.. I experience clarity..I feel a LOT stronger and happier. I DO still have the danger of falling back into the addiction at one week..but what I'm saying is..I'm a HOT HOT HOTTTTT disaster that first week and then it's like I've gotten a LOT of it out of my system.

 

Even with my ex who I was CRAZY about..although abusive and I didn't know better back then...I felt like ABSOLUTE crap for about 1-2 weeks..closer to 2 weeks, probably..and then it was like the cloud miraculously lifted off me come week 2 and I felt TONS better and DEFINITELY felt strong enough to move on my own.

 

Basically..at 1 week..I drastically start losing desire for xOM but not to the point where if he contacts me I won't break...don't get me wrong haha..But I'm halfway there by a week.

 

LOL @ squirrel.

 

Wow...I'm a MESS right now more than anyone knows but this forum is helping me.

 

I was ADDICTED like a heroin addict to him and him to me..but just like heroin..what feels good isn't obviously RIGHT or healthy and I just reached a point where I couldn't torture myself with the highs and lows and I feared that this path to self destruction would take away my esteem and everything I worked so hard for.

 

I had to actually have my friend hold me accountable and push me to hit the "ENTER" button sending him the official "break off" NC letter. I cannot believe how unbelievably weak I became.

 

But yes...after the first week I'm feeling a lot better...but I also wonder if I'm a lot bigger of a mess than most people, at first. I feel like I hurt IMMENSELY and to an extreme...and therefore..maybe I heal quicker??

[spice4life]

Heal faster?...lol. I'm not making fun of you so please don't take offense. If there was a magic formula LoveShack Forums would be out of business!

 

All kidding aside, at least you know it was only an addiction so that's a start. From what I've read it takes 21 days to break a habit. Set a goal to make it to 21 days and then set one for another 21 and keep going. Before you know it you won't even be thinking about him anymore.

 

Once you get through this I highly recommend that you try to figure out why its so easy for you to get over someone. Maybe you just haven't truly fallen in love yet. If that's the case then it's okay. I guess. :\ If you have fallen in love and it was easy to get over, you might want to look at that and start asking yourself some questions. Like, are you consciously burying your feelings? A loss of someone you love takes a lot longer than a few weeks...it can take a few years to be honest. Just something to think about as you move forward and start dating again. What goes in must come out...if it is blocked from it's normal exit it will find another way out. Usually in an unhealthy way.

[spice4life]

I apologize, I didn't realize that you were involved in a relationship with someone while flirting with this other guy. That changes a lot of what I said about burying feelings. I was posting based on what you wrote about getting over this guy and an ex. Didn't realize you had a SO.

[tulip80]

I didn't love him. We would say sweet things to each other and even get so hot and heavy he'd say different things like wanting to get me pregnant and make me his Queen..but I don't think I really loved him. Regardless...we both were like storytelling, daydreaming and feeding each other a fantasy..except, more dangerously for me, I took it more seriously..and I think he wasn't in as deep.

 

I told him not to talk about things like that JUST in the heat of the moment but he wouldn't stop.

 

I cannot love someone like him because while he's a good person and I've seen how people love him, he was selfish and used me for his own needs. That's what I get, though!

 

I am glad it never became physical..ever...not even a kiss/hug..because the emotional affair seems so soul shattering.

[wisernow]

I didn't love him. We would say sweet things to each other and even get so hot and heavy he'd say different things like wanting to get me pregnant and make me his Queen..but I don't think I really loved him. Regardless...we both were like storytelling, daydreaming and feeding each other a fantasy..except, more dangerously for me, I took it more seriously..and I think he wasn't in as deep.

 

I told him not to talk about things like that JUST in the heat of the moment but he wouldn't stop.

 

I cannot love someone like him because while he's a good person and I've seen how people love him, he was selfish and used me for his own needs. That's what I get, though!

 

I am glad it never became physical..ever...not even a kiss/hug..because the emotional affair seems so soul shattering.

 

I'm confused. how exactly did he use you? You knew he was married, right? I admit, I'm having a hard time following your story? Just what exactly did he do to you? Weren't you right where you signed up to be?

[tulip80]

I'm confused. how exactly did he use you? You knew he was married, right? I admit, I'm having a hard time following your story? Just what exactly did he do to you? Weren't you right where you signed up to be?

 

He has a girlfriend.

 

Oh..we did business stuff together. He basically slacked and took half the profits. What kills me is..he took good care of his ex wife but then again she was lazy.

 

Anyway..anytime he called me the convos quickly turned to him wanting me to tell him what I was wearing, sexual things and him telling me he wanted pics of me and stuff...even when I was just talking to him as a friend trying to be there for him because his mom died the other week.

[Lillyfree]

He has a girlfriend.

 

Oh..we did business stuff together. He basically slacked and took half the profits. What kills me is..he took good care of his ex wife but then again she was lazy.

 

Anyway..anytime he called me the convos quickly turned to him wanting me to tell him what I was wearing, sexual things and him telling me he wanted pics of me and stuff...even when I was just talking to him as a friend trying to be there for him because his mom died the other week.

 

ugh. this guy takes compartmentalising to a whole new level.

 

from what you're telling me it doesn't seem like there was a huge emotional investment on either side, which is probably why you're managing so well.

 

count yourself lucky. it's been 3.5 months for me and i still have bad days.

[wisernow]

He has a girlfriend.

 

Oh..we did business stuff together. He basically slacked and took half the profits. What kills me is..he took good care of his ex wife but then again she was lazy.

 

Anyway..anytime he called me the convos quickly turned to him wanting me to tell him what I was wearing, sexual things and him telling me he wanted pics of me and stuff...even when I was just talking to him as a friend trying to be there for him because his mom died the other week.

 

Did you did those things? It almost sounds to me like you don't know this man. That he was some business associate? And what's the dig about his ex wife? What does that even mean? Again, sorry for the questions, but I don't get this pseudo relationship and why you're so upset. Are you upset that he has a girlfriend and was asking you to talk dirty to him, send pics?

[SunsetRed]

A couple of years.

 

 

Whew, Catplates, glad you posted this. I was getting ready to say the same thing, a couple of years.

 

Breakups w MMs are much worse than the typical breakup. Its taken me a couple of years to purge myself of him and even so, I still come to this board every now and then as I still think of him.

[tulip80]

Did you did those things? It almost sounds to me like you don't know this man. That he was some business associate? And what's the dig about his ex wife? What does that even mean? Again, sorry for the questions, but I don't get this pseudo relationship and why you're so upset. Are you upset that he has a girlfriend and was asking you to talk dirty to him, send pics?

 

It was a cyber business partner.. We don't see each other at the work place. He travels to the USA but we're not in a 9-5 together.

 

Yes..it upsets me because we were very good friends. He was always a sweetheart and taught me much of what has helped me have major success in business but it became inappropriate and everything always turned sexual after a few months.

 

He also became lazy at business projects we were doing together. He would tell me he thinks once a day about getting me pregnant and what the babies look like and part of me started to think he was just telling me what I wanted to hear because he was even more sexually addicted to me than I was to him.

[tulip80]

ugh. this guy takes compartmentalising to a whole new level.

 

from what you're telling me it doesn't seem like there was a huge emotional investment on either side, which is probably why you're managing so well.

 

count yourself lucky. it's been 3.5 months for me and i still have bad days.

 

I honestly felt like it was emotional..and he even said us being together was "destiny" at one time or another..but I'm starting to look back and think maybe he just likes the fantasy and was saying what he wanted to daydream of to have a piece of me.

 

He said to me if he couldn't have me..that this way he at least could.

 

Then apologized for sounding "wrong" about saying it like that.

 

 

I was honestly starting to get SO hormonal I thought..oh my goodness..maybe this man is my "soulmate" and "the one"...ugh..total stupidity!

 

Your sex hormones will jack your brain up so bad you have no idea. I'm on day THREE. Feel have feelings of sadness for him (have no idea why other than his mom passing last week) and my hormones have already calmed down a TON.

 

With each day I'm thinking clearer

[BrokenPrincess]

count yourself lucky. it's been 3.5 months for me and i still have bad days.

 

Thanks for posting this LF. I just hit 4 months and honestly, I feel like the past 2 weeks I've taken a huge step backward. I thought I'd be barely thinking about it by now, but despite the NC, holidays, work, busyness, etc, I've been having a bad time. Back to crying everyday. Vivid mind movies & memories of xMM, SO tempted to email him. I can hear his voice in my head again. I have no idea why I've been so freaking emotional but I am frustrated with myself and can't wait for IC on Wed.

 

It's tough when I read posts like this it others that say they're over/indifferent/angry at their xAP so soon, and I feel like I've backtracked into missing him so much.

[RickFox]

Hmm,

 

I hesitate to answer this post, but I guess I will. I am not in withdrawal. Xmw and my A ended June 2011, with last face to face contact Oct 2011. I had a very rough time for at least the first 8 months to a year after it ended as I tried to put myself and my home life back together.

 

I know I have not reached complete and total indifference but there are many things I no longer care about nor do I search for answers. I did finally realize that NC is just that, NC! That even seeing the other person can open up anger and old wounds. I saw xmw the other day and it was but for a moment as I was leaving the parking lot with my kid from school and I was fine....until later. I was back in anger mode, cursing her (and myself) under my breath, angry for ever starting the A, angry at her for approaching me and telling me she thought I was hot, angry at me for not seeing the warning signs, at her for just bee bopping thru life as though it was all okay.

 

It took me three days to finally get through to myself and remind myself that none of that matters anymore, that it's not healthy to have that anger.

 

I used to wish she would be like BrokenPrincess, that she missed me and wanted to contact me and so on and so forth. I came to the conclusion that she didn't care, doesn't care and never truly did and that part no longer matters....but it is amazing what any kind of contact, intentional or unintentional can do in terms of opening up wounds.

 

I guess what I can say is that, as it was told to me and I found to be true, the emotions are cyclical, you think you are fine one day and the next you find you're not. As time goes on, the dipping up and down happens less and less, but one is not immune to feelings being brought back to the surface. At least when I looked at her I didn't feel that longing I used to feel, but the reaction was delayed and I didn't expect it.

 

Not sure I answered correctly.

[Lillyfree]

Thanks for posting this LF. I just hit 4 months and honestly, I feel like the past 2 weeks I've taken a huge step backward. I thought I'd be barely thinking about it by now, but despite the NC, holidays, work, busyness, etc, I've been having a bad time. Back to crying everyday. Vivid mind movies & memories of xMM, SO tempted to email him. I can hear his voice in my head again. I have no idea why I've been so freaking emotional but I am frustrated with myself and can't wait for IC on Wed.

 

It's tough when I read posts like this it others that say they're over/indifferent/angry at their xAP so soon, and I feel like I've backtracked into missing him so much.

 

 

maybe it's a low point in the cycle? i haven't had a good time for the last few days either.

very vivid dreams, that leave me feeling like cr@p for most of the day. then go to bed, repeat.

and yes, tempted to contact him again. sigh.

[BrokenPrincess]

I used to wish she would be like BrokenPrincess, that she missed me and wanted to contact me and so on and so forth. I came to the conclusion that she didn't care, doesn't care and never truly did and that part no longer matters....but it is amazing what any kind of contact, intentional or unintentional can do in terms of opening up wounds.

 

I guess what I can say is that, as it was told to me and I found to be true, the emotions are cyclical, you think you are fine one day and the next you find you're not. As time goes on, the dipping up and down happens less and less, but one is not immune to feelings being brought back to the surface. At least when I looked at her I didn't feel that longing I used to feel, but the reaction was delayed and I didn't expect it.

 

Not sure I answered correctly.

 

Thanks Rick...it's really comforting to hear that maybe someday I will get to a point where it won't hurt so much that it seems he never truly cared. Sh*t. In the meantime, my eyes just started leaking again.

[Breathless]

Thanks Rick...it's really comforting to hear that maybe someday I will get to a point where it won't hurt so much that it seems he never truly cared. Sh*t. In the meantime, my eyes just started leaking again.

 

Last time I spoke with xMM was back in July 2011 on DDay. We both went NC the next day and never broke it!!!! We work close to each other, live close to each other and have a few mutual friends. The only time we see each other is on our commute to work or home every now and then. But a couple of weeks ago, I met with our mutual friend for lunch at a close by restaurant - while we were standing by my car saying our goodbyes...I hear "OH MY GOD! Breathless?!?!" I slowly turn around and it's another former coworker and she was walking with xMM towards us. Since we are all friends/coworkers and no one "knows" (speculates, yes) about the A, I had to play it cool. However, my FIGHT or FLIGHT instincts kicked in before they reached us. I picked up my slacked jaw and said "HI and BYE! I'm late for an appt!" and RUSHED into my car and drove away. I pretty much flew out of there. My FLIGHT instincts actually told me to pull a Dukes of Hazards move slide on the hood of my car and jump through the window to escape but I was able to control that urge!!!!

 

It gets easier to deal with on a daily basis. It gets easier to smile instead of cry when a memory flashes through your mind unexpectedly. But for me, each and every time I see him, I'm shaken to the core. I spend a few days aching, sad and missing him...then I shake it off. The same cycle happens with each encounter.

 

I hate that I can completely relate to Rick's comment. I hate that I thought I was further along in reaching indifference but really am not. I hate that just the sight of xMM can send me spinning. I hate that I could not "feign" cool, calm, collected when I saw him. It's been over a year and a half...I still want to bury my head in the sand and hide for being such a foolish girl with a crush!

[RickFox]

Last time I spoke with xMM was back in July 2011 on DDay. We both went NC the next day and never broke it!!!! We work close to each other, live close to each other and have a few mutual friends. The only time we see each other is on our commute to work or home every now and then. But a couple of weeks ago, I met with our mutual friend for lunch at a close by restaurant - while we were standing by my car saying our goodbyes...I hear "OH MY GOD! Breathless?!?!" I slowly turn around and it's another former coworker and she was walking with xMM towards us. Since we are all friends/coworkers and no one "knows" (speculates, yes) about the A, I had to play it cool. However, my FIGHT or FLIGHT instincts kicked in before they reached us. I picked up my slacked jaw and said "HI and BYE! I'm late for an appt!" and RUSHED into my car and drove away. I pretty much flew out of there. My FLIGHT instincts actually told me to pull a Dukes of Hazards move slide on the hood of my car and jump through the window to escape but I was able to control that urge!!!!

 

It gets easier to deal with on a daily basis. It gets easier to smile instead of cry when a memory flashes through your mind unexpectedly. But for me, each and every time I see him, I'm shaken to the core. I spend a few days aching, sad and missing him...then I shake it off. The same cycle happens with each encounter.

 

I hate that I can completely relate to Rick's comment. I hate that I thought I was further along in reaching indifference but really am not. I hate that just the sight of xMM can send me spinning. I hate that I could not "feign" cool, calm, collected when I saw him. It's been over a year and a half...I still want to bury my head in the sand and hide for being such a foolish girl with a crush!

 

My xmw is excellent at acting like I don't exist. On the few occasions we've crossed paths, she easily looks past me or doesn't even look in my direction. No acknowledgment whatsoever, although I can tell you that the last time I saw her before she ever saw me and I was the one who was able to act like she wasn't there since I knew where to go to avoid any sort of contact. It used to make me mad, now I accept it and it's more of a little itch in my back that I can't quite reach.