Here's my story. Any comments or questions? I'd appreciate any input.

[twista]

All right. I'm 20, I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and was married for 3 1/2 years (but we were actually together closer to 5) before I felt suffocated and decided (about a year ago) that I wanted a divorce. I felt so emotionally detached from the relationship that, for me, there virtually was no relationship. So about a month ago I finally got the balls to tell this to my husband. And he agreed with everything I said...the relationship was stagnent, I fell out of love with him and he felt the same way, and so on.

 

I found out about a week ago that the same day we decided on getting a divorce, he had already moved on to a girl that was supposedly my friend--ha!--and is our friend's ex. We used to have a roommate, our friend Luke, and whenever this girl would come over, we'd make fun of her (in a very subtle way), calling her 'bird' because her nose looks like a parrot's beak.

 

After I found out that he was already sleeping with her, I felt hurt because it seemed that my ex didn't really mourn over my loss (that might sound selfish)...he was able to move on only about 10 hours later. I guess the reason why I felt so hurt because of this is the fact that he moved on so fast, it was like, "Well, I guess he really didn't love me all that much."

 

So I live with my mom (temporarily) and he lives with his family, his girlfriend and our old roommate (Luke, who my ex asked to move back in to help with the rent). The funny thing is, he works at my mom's gas station (a Shell) and he drives the car my mom bought for us (a 2003 Subaru Forester).

 

The last time I talked to him, he started making these accusations about my parenting skills (he never sees his daughter, so he really has no room to point fingers) and I told him that he's a "never-gonna-amount-to-anything, working-at-my-mom's-gas-station, SOB." I also reminded him who has the upper hand in this situation. You see, my mom has the money and the good lawyer...my ex is broke, spends all his money on weed, and so on and so forth. Well, when I told him that, he laughed.

 

 

A few weeks ago, he gave me three garbage bags full of my stuff and my computer, minus the computer screen. He supposedly gave that to his girlfriend. But he informed my mom yesterday that he was going to get it back and give it to me. He told Luke (I hang out with Luke frequently, unbeknownst to Cody--my ex) that he didn't want to start anything and he didn't want my mom to take away the car and that was his reasoning. Luke also informed me that he's been stealing money from the cash register (at the gas station) and that my mom should check the tapes. She's doing that today, and today is the day that Cody said he'd give me the computer screen. My mom said that as soon as he forks over the monitor, she's taking the car away.

 

 

Cody and his girlfriend talk a lot of sh*t about me (Luke has informed me. Why does Luke tell me all this stuff? Well, he's hurt by Cody because he feels that Cody picked his girlfriend over him. Bro's before Ho's.), which amuses me because in court, I'll be the only one laughing. Oh, and Cody expects joint custody. I. Don't. Think. So.

 

 

Any comments?

 

 

signed,

 

Twista

[Breathe]

One comment.... appears you still love your husband, otherwise you wouldn't care what he's doing or who he's with. Your upset that he's moved on and now you (with your mom's help) want to have him hurt too... (taking the car away, etc.) You wanted out. Move on and leave him alone.

[twista]

Yeah, I know, and that's what everyone tells me.

 

 

I think I expected a different reaction from him. Like crying and begging or something of that nature. But he's trying to move on and...I don't know.

 

 

I know that the divorce was needed...our relationship was going nowhere. And I'm trying to move on and all that, but it's hard because I miss him. And living in such a small town, everything reminds me of him. But I do think he is acting a bit immaturely (okay...so he's 19, I'll give him that). When my daughter visits him (only twice this past month), my friend Luke, who lives with my ex, said that he gets stoned with her in the same room, he encourages her to use "bad words" (f*ck, sh*t, etc.) and does he have to rub it in my face that he's f*cking Bird?

 

He told me that at first, he was going to give me a mouse, the motherboard and a broken keyboard, instead of the whole computer (minus the monitor) and I think that was a bit immature.

 

 

When I found out that he was f*cking Bird (or Leah), I was hurt. Then I realized, "Well, we are broken up, and he is a man with...certain needs." But if I can use the fact that I have the upper hand in all this against him, then I'm fine with that. And if it hurts him in the process, well, that's just it...it's hurting him.

[She's Come Undone]

Just make sure you keep Luke in your corner and that he will testify to your husband's behavior around your daughter. He'll be lucky to get supervised visitation.

 

And still love him or not, it's your mom's car and he DOES deserve what's coming to him. Don't think you're just getting revenge, you're protecting an innocent child too!

[twista]

Originally posted by She's Come Undone

Just make sure you keep Luke in your corner and that he will testify to your husband's behavior around your daughter. He'll be lucky to get supervised visitation.

 

That is good advise, but I don't want to put Luke in the position where he feels like he is betraying Cody. He hasn't even told my ex that we're hanging out because he feels bad.

 

And still love him or not, it's your mom's car and he DOES deserve what's coming to him. Don't think you're just getting revenge, you're protecting an innocent child too!

 

I am really trying to go about this in a mature fashion, believe it or not. I'm really trying not to think about it as revenge and I am trying not to say harsh things about him because he's doing that to me, and I'm trying to be the better person (even though it may not seem like it).

 

But, and I know this might sound like me contradicting myself, revenge is a dish best served cold...I want to wait to take all this stuff away from him (or my mom, rather). Let him feel like he's happy and moving on and all that. And then, when I get full custody (I know I will...all the judge has to do is order a drug test by getting blood drawn, not a UA because there's ways around piss tests, and they'll find not only weed but pain pills--not prescribed to him, shrooms, and cocaine) then I'll kick him when he's down (the car, his job, etc.).

 

I know that sounds mean, but then those d*mn things called "feelings" get in the way and I don't think I could really do all that to him. Better get it over with now than later.

 

[Those last two paragraphs probably didn't sound all that mature, I know. I really don't want revenge because I'm not really hurt by the divorce. It's been something I've been thinking about for the past year--I tried leaving him a year ago, and at the time he begged me to come back. But I went to Seattle for the month of July, for surgery, and we were still saying our "I love you's". For me, it was an automatic response...I didn't really feel like I meant it. And then two days before returning home, I called him (we were fighting, which was kind of normal at that point in our relationship...for about the last year) and told him I wanted out...I wanted to divorce him. And that's when he agreed and all that. And I really am happier because of it...though I miss him now...I don't really regret the decision. It's just hard because we've pretty much been joined at the hip since I was about 16.]

[Breathe]

Your out for revenge, you definitely come across this way. Put yourself in his shoes - without your mom's help and MONEY where would you be, what would you have? As far as the drugs, I'm sure you can't sit there and say you didn't do this with him or he never did this in front of you in your house with your child there. Good luck finding a Judge to "order a drug test" based on here say. You have to have hard evidence for this.

 

What comes around goes around and this goes for all of us. You may not see it or hear about it, but it does happen. Be careful what you do. You need to let him go and move on with your life. If you don't want him around your child alone - then don't let that happen. Allow him to see her with you/your mom/friend present. Thus you protect her, but your not using her as a weapon to get back at him.

 

Why do you want him to hurt? Does it make you feel better? Why do you care who he's with if you don't want him? Did you expect him to beg you to stay after you told him the things you did? You didn't want him, you told him that, so he moved on. Now he's with someone else and you find yourself jealous and missing him. Let him go. You got what you wanted - now go out and live life and learn how to take care of yourself and your child without Mommy's money.

[twista]

Originally posted by Breathe

Your out for revenge, you definitely come across this way. Put yourself in his shoes - without your mom's help and MONEY where would you be, what would you have? As far as the drugs, I'm sure you can't sit there and say you didn't do this with him or he never did this in front of you in your house with your child there. Good luck finding a Judge to "order a drug test" based on here say. You have to have hard evidence for this.

 

What comes around goes around and this goes for all of us. You may not see it or hear about it, but it does happen. Be careful what you do. You need to let him go and move on with your life. If you don't want him around your child alone - then don't let that happen. Allow him to see her with you/your mom/friend present. Thus you protect her, but your not using her as a weapon to get back at him.

 

Why do you want him to hurt? Does it make you feel better? Why do you care who he's with if you don't want him? Did you expect him to beg you to stay after you told him the things you did? You didn't want him, you told him that, so he moved on. Now he's with someone else and you find yourself jealous and missing him. Let him go. You got what you wanted - now go out and live life and learn how to take care of yourself and your child without Mommy's money.

 

Well, "mommy's money" (as you so kindly put it) is my main support, so I'm going to take all the help I can get. What comes around does go around, and though I might talk a load of sh*t (concerning the revenge factor), I am not that cruel and probably won't use it against (probably being the operative word). I am trying to let him go, I'm not jealous of Leah because she looks like a bird...thus the nickname we dubbed her 'Bird'. Would hurting him make me feel better? Probably for a short period of time...but, like I said, I probably won't use anything against him. And as far as drugs, I quit before my daughter was born, making me almost 3 years sober (and counting), though I still smoke cigarettes (not inside the house or around my daughter). I didn't care that he smoked pot when I was with him...until it made him lazy and unmotivated, and all he wanted to spend our money on was drugs...one of the big reasons behind my reasoning of leaving him.

[emra]

1st, I want to say, I know this has to be hard for you. Even if you find you are not in love with someone anymore, you can still miss them and the friendship. He has been someone that has been in your life for awhile, that all takes time.

I do not care who's money it is. We all could use a little help sometimes, when trying to care for a child.

If your ex is using in front of your child, the child is getting it into her system. And that can cause a lot of damage. A Judge, in this day and age, will order a drug test. And as for them going off of hear say. YES THEY DO.. If it is not the Judge going off it, DHS will. Trust me, I know.

I am very happy it happened now, because it gave me my life back.

It took one phone call to DHS that turned my world upside down.

If you suspect your ex's is using DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

Your child, no child needs to be around it.

The child is not old enough to make the choice of using or not and does NOT need it be forced upon her by being in the same room with someone using.

Your child is innocent. I can not stress enough to please do something about it. If he smokes pot in front of her, what will stop him from smoking anything else in front of her.

Jealous or not, I don't care. PROTECT THE CHILDREN!!!

[Faye]

Twista, LET HIM GO. MOVE ON. HE IS STILL THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD. BOTH OF YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET ALONG AS FRIENDS. STOP TRYING TO HURT ONE ANOTHER. YOU BOTH ARE IMPORTANT TO YOUR CHILD.

[lohrewok]

You sound like you are somewhat mature. Kudos for quitting the pot! I just have one comment and this is about your daughter. I totally agree with everyone about not letting her be around your SO when he is doing drugs. That being said. You must never forget that he is her father and no matter how awful his behavior is, do not use your daughter as a pawn. Never put him down in her presence. She is only 2 1/2 now, but there will come a day when she will reach the "age of reason" and will have all kinds of questions for you. Show him some respect as her dad and she will be a better person for it. Children learn from the BEHAVIOR of their parents. You can be the positive role model in her life.

[twista]

First of all, I want to thank you all for all of your imput. I need to just swallow my pride and admit, yes I do need to get over him, and some other issues that I'm currently dealing with. And so now I'm going to contemplate on all that's been said to me here. Again, thanks.

 

 

Oh, and don't worry, my parents were divorced when I was about 1 yrs old. And I know from experience how trash talking the other parent in the child's presence can affect that child...so I don't do it at all. And I will try my hardest (because it can get hard, especially when you're put on the defense and feel the need to attack the other person), in the future, to not say anything harsh about my ex in front of my child.