Is there hope that one day, she might want to try again?

[Ready36]

If it makes you feel any better, I often wonder why the men I've had in my life have never loved me the way you all seem to love yours. In other words, your love for her is very beautiful.

 

No, you're very much not.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she is moving on and I doubt very much she'll come back to you.

 

I know that is hard to hear and I know that the pain is just about unbearable, but there it is. I have to agree with the others by going NC. It is the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

I think your final email to her was sweet and touching. It's a perfect exit email and I think it would be best for you to leave it at that.

 

Stay out of her area of town as well. Stay as far from her as possible.

 

Hugs.

 

 

 

Thanks for this. I suppose what I was wondering is, if in time I haven't found someone else and still feel as though she was the one that go away, an lets say I sent her a message in a year or so, would that be out of order?

 

 

 

 

I suppose my real question is- if she knows right now she is not in the right place, that she has issues, that quite "I realised that if I didn't want to be with you and you had been the perfect boyfriend, that I don't want to be with anyone"

 

 

.... Could she possibly feel something for me again one day or when the door is closed, is it closed forever?

Edited February 26, 2013 by Ready36

[magnoliasoutherly]

in time I haven't found someone else and still feel as though he was the one that go away, an lets say I sent her a message in a year or so, would that be out of order?

That's hard to say. I very much doubt that in a year or so you'll even still think her like that.

 

 

.... Coul she possibly feel something for me again one day or when the door is closed, is it closed forever?

There is a chance, yes. It's very slim at best, but there is always the chance.

 

I would say not to rely on that though, if that's what you're wondering in the back of your mind.

[McDonald]

Anything can happen. Look, you probably didnt see the breakup coming, yet it happened. I could not see mine at all. My ex bought plane tickets too see me then two days later tells me she has been talkin to someone else. So really it's all unpredictable.

 

The possibility of her coming back? Well anything is obviously possible, break ups prove that lol.

 

But I would not hang around waiting for it. For all that we know, they are gone. They broke up with us for a reason maybe we didnt so anything wrong; but it's the fact that they have left. So that's what me must assume right now. That they have left. It does us no good waiting really. I did for a few weeks. My breakup is only 2 months old and yea I'm still hanging on, but I wish I hadn't. I wis I moved on right away. Do yourself a favor an just dont wait around. If she wants you back, she will reach out.

 

There are something's we cannot control in life, but for the things we can control, like our feelings, we have to make sure no one else is. We make our own happiness. You make your own happiness. Make it. I'm sure you have done it before.

[Ajax]

Your situation is pretty similar to the one which brought me to this site a few years ago. The girl I had been dating I was head over heals over, and she made a point of having a heart to heart with me to say how much she loved me and how she'd never wanted a future with someone as much as she did when she was with me. A few days later she showed me the door, telling me she needed time to figure herself out and couldn't be on a relationship.

 

Needless to say it sent my head spinning, and I'd never been so brokenhearted. As hurt as I was I tried not to blame her. Then about a year later I found out through a mutual friend that she'd already had someone lined up to take my place before dumping me.

 

I wasted, yes wasted, over a year of my life wondering/hoping this girl would come back. And the only satisfaction I had was the dignity I maintained by keeping NC almost from the beginning. To this day, despite attending a wedding together, we haven't spoken to each other in two and a half years.

 

My hope for you, Ready36, is that you won't wast the time I did by pining for someone who's clearly incapable of having an honest and healthy relationship with you. Yeah, it hurts and it will hurt for a while. But You'll move on so much more quickly if you banish any thoughts of getting back together with her.

 

She made a choice, and she opted out of a life with you. Now it's your turn to make a choice whether or not you'll accept her back.

[Ready36]

Your situation is pretty similar to the one which brought me to this site a few years ago. The girl I had been dating I was head over heals over, and she made a point of having a heart to heart with me to say how much she loved me and how she'd never wanted a future with someone as much as she did when she was with me. A few days later she showed me the door, telling me she needed time to figure herself out and couldn't be on a relationship.

 

Needless to say it sent my head spinning, and I'd never been so brokenhearted. As hurt as I was I tried not to blame her. Then about a year later I found out through a mutual friend that she'd already had someone lined up to take my place before dumping me.

 

I wasted, yes wasted, over a year of my life wondering/hoping this girl would come back. And the only satisfaction I had was the dignity I maintained by keeping NC almost from the beginning. To this day, despite attending a wedding together, we haven't spoken to each other in two and a half years.

 

My hope for you, Ready36, is that you won't wast the time I did by pining for someone who's clearly incapable of having an honest and healthy relationship with you. Yeah, it hurts and it will hurt for a while. But You'll move on so much more quickly if you banish any thoughts of getting back together with her.

 

She made a choice, and she opted out of a life with you. Now it's your turn to make a choice whether or not you'll accept her back.

 

 

Thanks Ajax, and I'm sorry to hear that. In my case, I know she isn't with someone - that's not of course to say she might not be soon. And she insists that the guy she was seeing after me was nothing, but who knws.

 

What I do know (because he told me) was that she spoke highly of me and said quote "that she couldn't fault me.... she just woke up one day and realised that she didn't want to be with me". So yes, a bitter pill to swallow.

 

I feel a lot stronger now, but I still cannot (and perhaps will never) get my head around why someone's feelings can seemingly just change like that, especially when (if I believe her) it happened the Monday after we had just had possibly our best weekend together!! I had just done something really nice for her - suprised her, took her out to her favourite restaurant and then suprised her with gig tickets for a comedian/stand up as she had never been and always wanted to go. She was texting her mom, her friends teling them all what I had done and was over the moon. The next day she was saying she had the most amazing boyfriend.

 

Over analysing things nearly killed me. When she broke up she said certain things that just didn't seem to click.

 

For example, when I said why did you keep telling me you loved me right until then end? She said it kind og got a habit. But some of the texts and emails she was sending me she was typing those words - it wasn't like it was a reflex thing to say. Even on the Friday 2 days before she emailed me saying "I love you loads". Go figure.

 

And she said did you not notice I was staying over less? Well no!!! In te weeks building up to it there was only one weekend she didn't, but she had bee out the night before until 5am so thought nothing of it etc.

 

Do you think it was me? OR is it possible that she new she didn't want a relationship and that caused her feelings to change? She did say that she had a feeling a month or so her feelings changed that she wasn't ready for a relationship and said to me that from the start she wasn't sure.

 

I just find it interesting that she told her mom EVERYTHING and her mom said to her "I reckon if you had met him in 2 years that would have been it".

[singme2sleep]

Hi Calgary-

 

I read your post and just had to comment, because I am basically going through the same thing. I was totally happy and in love with my boyfriend, and thought he was with me, until one day he tells me he can't be with anyone tight now because his life is so screwed up.

 

I was blindsided and completely crushed. This was the guy I thought I would marry. He called me his "Mrs" and we'd talk about what we would name our kids someday. I knew he was having some personal issues (lost his job, behind on child support, had to move back in with his parents, got into car accident with no insurance and really messed up his car etc) so he was feeling pretty beaten down by life. But I thought I was the bright spot in all that and him walking away was the last thing I thought would happen. He told me its not fair to me for him to drag me around, and even though he cares about me, his life is very screwed up and he doesn't know what he's doing.

 

It was a tough blow and 6 weeks later, I'm still a mess. I've been going no contact for the past 4 weeks and its so hard. We talked every day and not communicating just feels abnormal.

 

Therefore I know exactly how you feel because its loving someone who doesn't love themself and all you want to do is help them and be there to support them but they just push you away. You feel powerless and all you want is to get them back.

 

It's def not easy to let them go, for me it's like my heart and mind do battle. I don't know if you will ever get her back, or if I'll get my ex back but I do believe what's meant to be always finds a way. I'm not sure if my story has helped you, but just know you're not the only one going through something like this.

Edited February 26, 2013 by singme2sleep

[calgary]

Hi Calgary-

 

I read your post and just had to comment, because I am basically going through the same thing. I was totally happy and in love with my boyfriend, and thought he was with me, until one day he tells me he can't be with anyone tight now because his life is so screwed up.

 

I was blindsided and completely crushed. This was the guy I thought I would marry. He called me his "Mrs" and we'd talk about what we would name our kids someday. I knew he was having some personal issues (lost his job, behind on child support, had to move back in with his parents, got into car accident with no insurance and really messed up his car etc) so he was feeling pretty beaten down by life. But I thought I was the bright spot in all that and him walking away was the last thing I thought would happen. He told me its not fair to me for him to drag me around, and even though he cares about me, his life is very screwed up and he doesn't know what he's doing.

 

It was a tough blow and 6 weeks later, I'm still a mess. I've been going no contact for the past 4 weeks and its so hard. We talked every day and not communicating just feels abnormal.

 

Therefore I know exactly how you feel because its loving someone who doesn't love themself and all you want to do is help them and be there to support them but they just push you away. You feel powerless and all you want is to get them back.

 

It's def not easy to let them go, for me it's like my heart and mind do battle. I don't know if you will ever get her back, or if I'll get my ex back but I do believe what's meant to be always finds a way. I'm not sure if my story has helped you, but just know you're not the only one going through something like this.

I can fully relate.. the problem is, now I've not spoken to her for a while and I've had time to think and relax about the whole situation/ get my appetite back and look at it from the right perspective instead of when I was depressed and having panic attacks / crying all night alone. I kind of wonder why anybody would want to go through their problems alone.. if you read my threads she was part of my life through some of the worst situations possible, I had some really messed up stuff happen to me, really upsetting, and the most comforting thing to me was. no matter how bad my life got, she cuddled me to sleep. I loved that. it was so nice just cuddling up and knowing she cared.

 

now her life is rough, she's harming herself and thinking about suicide.. instead of letting me cuddle up to her and give her back rubs.

 

her choice at the end of the day seems a bit unrealistic to me? misery loves company.

the way I've felt lately if I didn't have anybody around me looking after me i'd be a mess, I needed my friends and family to help me and this website even!

 

so it makes you wonder what's really going on. she wanted to be friends but I refused.. but she keeps coming up with excuses that make me need to contact her to sort it out... I haven't contacted her in almost 2 weeks, we broke up just after new years, It feels like it's over in my mind, I hate that it's over but she's probably texting other guys right now.

[calgary]

How long has it been since you broke up Calgary?

 

Some people told me, that people in this sort of sitaution who have only ever known hurt - who have only ever had negative male influences in their lives have difficulty handling true happiness. Maybe because of low self esteem, they feel unworthy of it - it makes them feel uncomfortable, like they don't know how to handle it and start asking themselves "why is he being so nice to me?". I know she used to tell me things like she had dreams about me - in my dreams I was horrible to her, I was cheating or ignoring her etc. It's almost like subconciously she just didn't get why things had been so good. She actually said that too me once - she didn't understand why things had been so easy, why we hadn't argued. I think if all you are used to is instability, you perhaps can't handle stable.

 

Plus, factoring in the age thing is important. She said a lot of good things, about how attracted she was to me, that she loved me etc. But every now and then said something that should have been a red flag e.g. she once said the idea of being with one person for the rest of her life scared her. Now.. don't get me wrong - I was not, NOT even contemplating lettin g things get really serious. For the longest time I deliberatley held back a bit, played it cool until I realised how I felt. Ironically, that's when she seemed the most into me. Maybe, it's because she has always had to fight/work for male attention that she just couldn't handle unconditional love.

 

The truth - I'm not sure she has actually ever experienced a guy loving her before and it scared her.

we broke up around new years, been no contact about 11 days now though she asked me to text her and I just didn't bother.

 

In fairness you're right, I don't think she believed everything was perfect because it never had been before, she accused me of cheating a lot and it used to irritate me but I understood, it had happened in the passed, her dad did it to her mother so why would I be an exception?

 

at the end of the day you're in love as am I.. there's nothing we can do about our hearts fighting our minds, I don't know how you get her back or feel better about yourself now that it's over..

 

all I know is logically, there's so many good looking fun girls on this planet that you can have.. this girl and my ex like drama and trouble and complaining about their bad boyfriends to their friends..

 

we like making people happy, it makes us happy.. the question is, why do we want to keep making somebody happy who is hurting us ? we're just like our ex girlfriends.. they want to make somebody happy who is hurting them instead of being constantly nice. they want what we are feeling. rather than thinking they've got the relationship easy going they want the challenge.

[Ready36]

we broke up around new years, been no contact about 11 days now though she asked me to text her and I just didn't bother.

 

In fairness you're right, I don't think she believed everything was perfect because it never had been before, she accused me of cheating a lot and it used to irritate me but I understood, it had happened in the passed, her dad did it to her mother so why would I be an exception?

 

at the end of the day you're in love as am I.. there's nothing we can do about our hearts fighting our minds, I don't know how you get her back or feel better about yourself now that it's over..

 

all I know is logically, there's so many good looking fun girls on this planet that you can have.. this girl and my ex like drama and trouble and complaining about their bad boyfriends to their friends..

 

we like making people happy, it makes us happy.. the question is, why do we want to keep making somebody happy who is hurting us ? we're just like our ex girlfriends.. they want to make somebody happy who is hurting them instead of being constantly nice. they want what we are feeling. rather than thinking they've got the relationship easy going they want the challenge.

 

Well that's where my story is different you see, she hasn't got in touch with me. I think the hard thing was in the beginning wondering - is she thinking about me, how is she doing - is she missing me etc.? God knows looking back why I was so concerned with how she was doing after what she did to me.

 

I just don't get how someone can literally flip a switch - from being crazy about someone, to feeling nothing for them in a romantic sense and THEN cut you out of their life completely in a blink of an eye.

 

It genuinly frightens me to try again, I'm not sure if I will ever feel comfortable and 'safe' in a relationship again to be honest.

 

I think with her, one of the things I picked up is that she has barriers - possibly defense mechanisms and is probably quite accustomed to shutting guys out (like her horrible exes, her dad etc.) self preservation perhaps.

 

What is so weird is (she must) think pretty highly of me to have said what she said in her e-mail. Yet she does not want to be friends, as it would not be fair especially on me.

 

So, plan now - I am taking very good care of myself. I'm going to the gym 4 times a week, I am eating healthier than I have ever eaten. I'm doing it for me and me alone.

[SinceYou'veBeenGone]

You're story sounds so similar to mine with my ex boyfriend.

[calgary]

Well that's where my story is different you see, she hasn't got in touch with me. I think the hard thing was in the beginning wondering - is she thinking about me, how is she doing - is she missing me etc.? God knows looking back why I was so concerned with how she was doing after what she did to me.

 

I just don't get how someone can literally flip a switch - from being crazy about someone, to feeling nothing for them in a romantic sense and THEN cut you out of their life completely in a blink of an eye.

 

It genuinly frightens me to try again, I'm not sure if I will ever feel comfortable and 'safe' in a relationship again to be honest.

 

I think with her, one of the things I picked up is that she has barriers - possibly defense mechanisms and is probably quite accustomed to shutting guys out (like her horrible exes, her dad etc.) self preservation perhaps.

 

What is so weird is (she must) think pretty highly of me to have said what she said in her e-mail. Yet she does not want to be friends, as it would not be fair especially on me.

 

So, plan now - I am taking very good care of myself. I'm going to the gym 4 times a week, I am eating healthier than I have ever eaten. I'm doing it for me and me alone.

my ex got in touch to ask to be friends. she wanted the best of both worlds.. me to cry on and other guys for sex. I wasn't having it I deleted her from facebook and walked away, so she came back with all the troubles of her life, it was scary she was talking about suicide and harming herself, so I sat with her and listened.. we held hands, she cried hugged me told me she loved and missed me but didn't want a relationship.. week later she accused me of dumping her for somebody else when id actually dumped her for being too flirty with other guys and distant with me. this is when she asked me to text her and I just didn't. that was 12 days ago.

 

i'm literally going insane in no contact.. my friends are coming to visit this weekend and they want to go places like old times, but i'm so frightened of bumping into her its like affecting my life.

 

I agree though it's so strange that they can just change over night. I really don't understand it either, I really don't know how that works, unless they transfer those feelings they had for you onto a rebound.

 

I don't think being friends is a good idea at all, not yet anyway, the only way being friends would be good, would be that you could try text your way back into her life but it might not happen.

 

just take care of yourself, get in good shape. become happy independently and one day you'll be stood in a bar and she'll come over drunk asking how you are and you'll wonder how you ever got upset over that!

[Mack05]

Calgary if your friends are real friends then they won't mind where you go. You need to keep out of harms way this weekend. With your emotional state added with alcohol, this could set you back weeks meeting her.

 

She is way to messed up now for a relationship. Think of it logically. If you met a girl had a great time on your first date, but then she starting talking about suicide and self harm would you meet her again? How can you have a happy stable relationship with someone in this state of mind?

 

Until you are back in control you need to do what's best for you. If your mates are real mates there will understand. There has to be plenty of options/places that she won't be around.

 

If you are being honest with yourself though you want to meet her. It's your junkie mind in overdrive. An addict is desperate for a 'hit' too. Doesn't mean its good for him. Stay clear mate..Trust me

[Ready36]

Well, after my original post which included her e-mail to me, I've found out that about 2 weeks after I received that she has started to date a guy. Obviously I do not know what her intentions are- just Darin or possibly a relationship, but it hurts to know.

[fixing]

Well, after my original post which included her e-mail to me, I've found out that about 2 weeks after I received that she has started to date a guy. Obviously I do not know what her intentions are- just Darin or possibly a relationship, but it hurts to know.

 

Yeah man. Hurts like hell. I know. this is why you must start to tell yourself this is over for ever. NC, and dont look at any of her facebook, twitter again. Cold turkey time sir You'll be ok in the end. I promise

[Ready36]

Yeah man. Hurts like hell. I know. this is why you must start to tell yourself this is over for ever. NC, and dont look at any of her facebook, twitter again. Cold turkey time sir You'll be ok in the end. I promise

 

 

Thanks. I just really don't get it. I think I just have to accept that I never will.

 

Why would she say what she said in that e-mail and then start dating again?

 

Why would she throw away something with someone who was good to her, who loved her when all she has had is bad experiences.

 

How is it that she can just shut me out of her life and when we bumped into each other NYE, not really want to talk to me or have anything to do with me?

[marklarsson]

Thanks. I just really don't get it. I think I just have to accept that I never will.

 

Why would she say what she said in that e-mail and then start dating again?

 

Why would she throw away something with someone who was good to her, who loved her when all she has had is bad experiences.

 

How is it that she can just shut me out of her life and when we bumped into each other NYE, not really want to talk to me or have anything to do with me?

 

i thought the same thing about my ex, but i suppose people do change. they may realize this in the future but it too late. my ex though i was a lair and like some one she scrapped off her shoe

[beyond]

Thanks. I just really don't get it. I think I just have to accept that I never will.

 

Why would she say what she said in that e-mail and then start dating again?

 

Why would she throw away something with someone who was good to her, who loved her when all she has had is bad experiences.

 

How is it that she can just shut me out of her life and when we bumped into each other NYE, not really want to talk to me or have anything to do with me?

 

Ready, I have read a lot of BS from exs on this forum, but I do think this girl was genuine and her email seemed very honest.

She had a lot of issues (I hate that word too!) and recognises that and will hopefully get help with them.

You did nothing 'wrong', except maybe meeting her too early before she sorted some of these things out.

I am sorry for your pain but please don't think your love was wasted or she didn't appreciate it, I'm sure she did, she just couldn't handle it at this time.

[Ready36]

Ready, I have read a lot of BS from exs on this forum, but I do think this girl was genuine and her email seemed very honest.

She had a lot of issues (I hate that word too!) and recognises that and will hopefully get help with them.

You did nothing 'wrong', except maybe meeting her too early before she sorted some of these things out.

I am sorry for your pain but please don't think your love was wasted or she didn't appreciate it, I'm sure she did, she just couldn't handle it at this time.

 

 

 

Thanks for this. Like I said above its hard to think she is now seeing someone else though and if she gets into a relationship with him it will sting and undermine what she said to me.

[beyond]

Thanks for this. Like I said above its hard to think she is now seeing someone else though and if she gets into a relationship with him it will sting and undermine what she said to me.

 

Yes, that is very hard. It may just be casual dating - who knows?

Some people go straight from one relationship to the next without grieving the one they have left or trying to work on why it went wrong, in a way to mask the pain instead of dealing with it head on.

 

Personally I don't think that's healthy and if your ex was on here now asking for advice I'd tell her not to date anyone for a while. It's her life though, her mistakes to make - you have to think of yourself now Ready.

[Ready36]

Yes, that is very hard. It may just be casual dating - who knows?

Some people go straight from one relationship to the next without grieving the one they have left or trying to work on why it went wrong, in a way to mask the pain instead of dealing with it head on.

 

Personally I don't think that's healthy and if your ex was on here now asking for advice I'd tell her not to date anyone for a while. It's her life though, her mistakes to make - you have to think of yourself now Ready.

 

 

 

True, but I just have a feeling it is going to become more than that- he is a friend of her sisters so I can't see that she would have entered that lightly. He is only a couple of years younger than me.

 

 

It feels a bit like betrayal, in terms of she was clearly thinking/feeling differently for some weeks and even kept talking about the future (Christmas). Oh well, can't keep dwelling on those things. I guess I will never understand

[Hopeful714]

People always go back to what they "know" or their "history" unless much work is done to break patterns.

 

Chances are she is more used to a relationship with drama, or uncertainty which mirrors her background. What is normal and desirable to you in so far as stability....she can't handle...or doesn't know how to yet. And she knows that.

[Ready36]

I know I shouldn't but I feel absolutely gutted today, knowing she is dating someone.

 

I want her back. I know I shouldn't, but my heart just wont listen to my head.

 

 

I honestly think she is the one- I have never felt this way about someone before

Edited March 4, 2013 by Ready36

[Ready36]

Feel a little bit better today- but really don't think I'm going to get over this girl, it's been 4.5 months.

[Coping Vortex]

A friend of mine who is a Psychologist said to me once, when I asked her about a girl i was seeing who had many issues as well, said "you can't make her problems, your problems". That phrase changed my whole attitude when trying to maintain a relationship with someone who has issues.

 

she needs to get help and you need to get away from her. Plain and simple.

[Ready36]

Well judging by the Facebook posts it is getting serious between them. Well he thinks so anyway

 

So was she just full of **** in what she said in her email?