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My fiancee split up with me after nearly 3 years together


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Posted

Hello people, well.. after almost 3 years in a wonderful relationship, being engaged for a year, my fiancee has ended it with me.

 

Towards the end of the relationship I sensed something wasn't quite right with her, we tended to argue much more and she seemed so much less happy. The first thing I asked her when she broke up with me was if there was someone else, and she is adamant there isn't. I believe her. She says the reason for the break up is that she doesn't feel the same way anymore and wants to be on her own for now.

 

We had a very serious yet lovely relationship, we wen't on 2 holidays together, on one of them I proposed to her, I bought her a car and I did buy her so much stuff I admit, but loved every minute of it because if she was happy, I was even happier. Soppy i know :confused: but that's what i'm like. As you can probably tell I love her more than anything.

 

She says she still loves me and that she really wants to stay friends and does want to see me regularly still. And of course, I do as well :( I know that I need to respect that she needs her space at the moment, and I will give her it, but will still meet her only as friends.

 

In all honesty, I will do anything for it to be the way it was, and she also says that she wants it the way it was as well.

 

I'm gutted because I've lost part of my life, so I need some advice on how to "win her back" (eventually) like I said I will give her space for now because I know that's what she needs, but I can't just let something that special disappear so easy. I would be grateful for any advice :)

 

Thanks

Posted

Give it time. I'm sure there is someone else in the picture. Dumpers almost always lie about this, because they don't want to hurt you.

 

The fact that she still wants you in her life but as "friends only" and wants to still see you regularly is a real bad sign. It means she's completely over the relationship on a romantic level. If she was in love with you, being friends wouldn't even be an option. Seems as if she was done with the relationship well before she ended it.

 

Please don't take her up on the offer to see her as a friend. You will NOT win her back this way, if anything you'll be her little emotional crutch while she goes out and dates other people. If she doesn't want to be with you, then give her what she wants. NC. She needs to see what life is like without you in it in any capacity.

 

Being your friend, and having you accept to be a friend does nothing but alleviate her own guilt. It enforces the fact that she's not a bad person, and she's free to have you there on an emotional level for when she needs a "best friend."

 

It's really crappy and it's going to be really painful but you can't be there for her like that.

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Posted

Thanks for your reply. I completely understand where you coming from, the more I think about it the more I think someone else is in the picture because everything adds up to that (I think that is just thinking too much you see). But she says this isn't the case and I know she wouldn't do this to me, her dad cheated on her mum and she lives with her mum and is extremely close with her, so her view on it is very very strong.

 

What I would like is advice on how much space I should give her so that it gives her the best chance on missing me and realising what she did was wrong (if she does eventually think that). I'm positive this is a man thing, but i'm not sure how to go about it, do I not speak to her at all for a while so she can sort her head out and figure out what she really wants? Or do I continue talking to her every now and again and still make the effort to talk to her?

 

When we was together, we texted eachother every minute possible when we wasn't physically with eachother. I still really want to talk to her 24/7 and see how she is and that, because I still care for her massively. Now, she isn't texting me much at all.

 

Another good point to add to this story (sorry), is that even though she doesn't admit it, she has been a bit stressed lately as she failed her driving test recently, was really worked up about it, and she is in the last year of her college and it is extremely challenging for her at the moment and isn't really enjoying her time there at the moment. I should know, I went college as well and it is hard work!

 

Any 'points in the right direction' are welcome :)

Posted

Leeboy if anyone on Loveshack had any idea's how to win someone back which worked 100% if the time, then he/she would be a millionaire, a million times over.

 

Sadly this is a part of life. There are no guarantees of 'forever' in relationships. The harsh reality which you are not able to comprehend right now, (because you are in the denial phase) is that she will not be back.

 

She believes she can be happier in the future without you. That is such an enormous kick in the gut, but you have to eventually start accepting her decision and respecting her wish to move on. Indeed if you love them, you let them go.

 

The best thing to do (BELIEVE ME) is to tell her that you love her too much to be friends. Then ask her not to contact you as you try to move on. Is that hard? probably the hardest thing you can do but the it's the best thing. Read Taramaiden/Caliguys no contact guide. Once you are NC get in the best physical shape of your life. Drag yourself to the gym. Buy the book 'Getting past your breakup'. A fantastic book. There is a snippet below about why you should stay NC.

 

The worst thing you can do is be 'friends' or to be clingy and desperate. Do not Facebook stalk her. Remove her and block her.

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours..

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Posted

Sadly you are too much in denial so you will post more posts/threads looking for answers that simply can't help you. The only person that can help you is you. Following my advice is the best way to get happy again..Will you? Nope as you have lost emotional control..

Posted
her dad cheated on her mum and she lives with her mum and is extremely close with her, so her view on it is very very strong.

 

My exes mother cheated on his father. He had "negative views" on cheating as well. Didn't stop him from f.ucking his ex behind my back. Not saying yours cheated, but what I'm saying is that you can't say for 110% that there's on one else in the picture. Humans are flawed beings.

 

As for how much space to give her? All of it. Go away completely. You can't get her back while being her little crutch. And if there IS someone in the picture you don't know about, you being her friend is only going to strengthen their bond.

 

It also doesn't matter if she's failing a driving test or her life is so "stressful." If someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they're going to be with you. No matter what. They're going to lean on you for support, not dump you.

 

It's tough b/c I know as a female, when we end things, it usually means it's for good. Women are rarely that impulsive to end things without really thinking it through.

Posted (edited)

I have to agree with Katzee. My spidey senses are tingling. She may not have been cheating on you per say. But, I do believe that there's someone she may have interest in. What makes me and Kat think this? Think back to the fighting that was occurring towards the end. Were most of the fights started by her? Did she look annoyed at things you were doing that sparked you to go off? If this is the case, it's easier for her to justify her feelings for this other guy if she's mad at you. "If he wasn't being such a jackass, I wouldn't be feeling this way for this other guy." So, she breaks it off with you and she can honestly SAY she's single and wouldn't have to lie to you outwardly. She can say to herself that she isn't cheating because were not together anymore and she can stay true to herself, but we know that it's a copout and a selfish thing to do. But, it wouldn't surprise me if you discover that she's been going out on dates with this douche rocket. And if you confront her about it. She going to tell you," I'm not in a relationship with him, we only went out as friends. He's just a friend and besides, what I do and who I hang out with is none of your business because we're not together anymore." IF there is another guy, trust me, you'll hear this.

 

As far as wanting to be friends. You are the back up plan. If things don't work out or go in the direction she want it to go with this other guy. She's got you waiting in the wings.

 

Dude, you are not her friend. I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her for the end result to be that you are nothing more than a friend to her. I mean, you were going to promise to be hers for the rest of your life at the altar before friends, family and God; only to be reduced to a friend? Does that seem right?

 

You need to slap her in the face with a dose of reality. You need to go completely dark on her. A hard NO CONTACT. It sounds like you paid for EVERYTHING in the relationship and by doing so, you made her life easy. Well, by her choice, the cash cow is dried up and gone. She either has 100% of you or nothing at all. She'll start to feel how life is going to be with you out of it. Ignore all texts and phonecalls. Ignore all e-mails. BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!! Disappear dude.

 

Start NC. Heal and move on.

Edited by Chi townD
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Posted

Thanks for your replies. All very helpful :)

 

And now you've looked at it from that side, what would you say about this if there isn't anyone else in the picture?

 

And also i've tried NC but she texts me the occasional "hey :) xx"

 

Help! :(

Posted
Thanks for your replies. All very helpful :)

 

And now you've looked at it from that side, what would you say about this if there isn't anyone else in the picture?

 

And also i've tried NC but she texts me the occasional "hey :) xx"

 

Help! :(

 

Its called a 'breadcrumb'. Three words with how to deal with a breadcrumb.

 

ignore ignore...IGNORE

Posted
Thanks for your replies. All very helpful :)

 

And now you've looked at it from that side, what would you say about this if there isn't anyone else in the picture?

 

And also i've tried NC but she texts me the occasional "hey :) xx"

 

Help! :(

 

So? If you go NC, you don't respond. Don't respond to the texts or any other communication. Unless she shows up at your doorstep, don't communicate.

 

Tough, but it will help in the end. The "hey :) xx" is a breadcrumb to keep you confused, interested, wondering, off-balance...

 

If she has something substantial to say, it should be more than that.

 

BTW, did you ask for the car you bought her? Couldn't believe you bought her a car....anyway, good luck.

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Posted

Thank you for your reply.

 

I have come to realise that no contact is the best thing at the moment. I truly do not know if this will get her back or not but as much as it will hurt I will do it.

 

I have read SO many threads on how the no contact rule can get your ex to want you back, but does it really? I need help though, as when she told me she wanted to break-up, in the heat of the moment while I cried my eyes out I said she can keep the car and the ring. I know, and trust me I regret it now :( realistically I know most of you will say GET THE CAR AND THE RING NOW!! But is there a better chance in getting her back if I just leave them with her, or take them away from her completely?

 

I do want to keep it cool between us and don't want to go all 'moody' at her, I want us to be OK before no contact begins. What do I do?

 

Thanks

Posted
Thank you for your reply.

 

I have come to realise that no contact is the best thing at the moment. I truly do not know if this will get her back or not but as much as it will hurt I will do it.

 

I have read SO many threads on how the no contact rule can get your ex to want you back, but does it really? I need help though, as when she told me she wanted to break-up, in the heat of the moment while I cried my eyes out I said she can keep the car and the ring. I know, and trust me I regret it now :( realistically I know most of you will say GET THE CAR AND THE RING NOW!! But is there a better chance in getting her back if I just leave them with her, or take them away from her completely?

 

I do want to keep it cool between us and don't want to go all 'moody' at her, I want us to be OK before no contact begins. What do I do?

 

Thanks

 

To be honest, I think you would have an easier time getting the car and the ring back than her.

 

NC is used as a tool to heal and move on. It isn't a punishment to our Ex's. Hey, it was their choice to have us out of their lives. So, to be honest, they have nothing to be upset about if we don't respond. We're giving them exactly what they asked for.

 

I would say that MAYBE 1 time out of 100, the Ex tries to come back due to NC. And a lot of those case, the dumpee doesn't go back into a relationship with the because they've come so far in their healing process that they're not interested in entering a relationship with them again.

 

Remember, you are not her friend. So, don't fall for the breadcrumbs. Think about it, what does "Hi! :)" tell you anyway? Does it say, I'm sorry and I want you back? I made a mistake? NOPE!!!! It's just a breadcrumb to try to get you in the friend zone. It means, "Look, I promised that I would spend the rest of my life with you, and now I changed my mind. I don't want us together anymore. I don't want to have your children, I don't want to grow old with you. So, no hard feelings, okay? But, I'll throw you a bone and we can be friends......until these guilty feelings go away or someone else comes along, okay?"

Posted
I have read SO many threads on how the no contact rule can get your ex to want you back, but does it really?

 

Leeboy I will let you in on a secret. No contact is not used to help you get an ex back. It is used to help you move on and heel. The longer you think NC will help you get your ex-girl back, the more you will be disappointed in the future.

 

Thinking like this will only add to the recovery time. Do some exe's come back and want to try again? Yeah, but they are the exception (like less then 5% probably). The rule is no matter what you say or do, your ex wants a life without you in it.

 

The sooner you accept that she is not coming back, the better it will be for you..Instead of using this time wondering and obsessing about her, why not use it as an opportunity for self improvement?

Posted

But she has decided that she would like someone other than you at some point. This means that, if you are her friend, you will have to see that. And know that some other guy gets to be all over her.

 

After 6 weeks of NC, I have had a week email-arguing with my ex about why I can't do exactly that.

 

I am now worse off than when he broke NC, because I have had it rammed down my throat all over again that he does not want me the way I want him. Long-term he will be much worse off than I am, because he is desperate to keep me as a friend (he doesn't have many), but right now he is fine and I'm about to kill myself.

 

NC. NC. NC.

 

If you are supposed to be on friendly terms, it will be weird just to disappear. Explain politely that you can't contact her right now, as it hurts too much, but you will let her know if that changes.

 

Then cry your eyes out, and go to the gym.

Posted
Thank you for your reply.

 

I have come to realise that no contact is the best thing at the moment. I truly do not know if this will get her back or not but as much as it will hurt I will do it.

 

I have read SO many threads on how the no contact rule can get your ex to want you back, but does it really? I need help though, as when she told me she wanted to break-up, in the heat of the moment while I cried my eyes out I said she can keep the car and the ring. I know, and trust me I regret it now :( realistically I know most of you will say GET THE CAR AND THE RING NOW!! But is there a better chance in getting her back if I just leave them with her, or take them away from her completely?

 

I do want to keep it cool between us and don't want to go all 'moody' at her, I want us to be OK before no contact begins. What do I do?

 

Thanks

 

You're over thinking it and that's where you will fail.

 

You're doing stuff in hopes of getting her back, and what if it doesn't work? You're already setting yourself up for a fall.

 

She broke up with you for a reason, this is not someone lightly tapping you on your shoulder, this is someone with a big mallet bopping you in your head.

 

NC is not meant to get her back or to make her realize what she's missing. My friend, this girl knows you better than you know yourself. You could go no contact for months but she knows how to reel you in if she really wanted to, all it would take would be a carefully worded text not just offering a breadcrumb but the recipe to a whole damn cake!

 

As long as you're doing anything with the hope of winning her back then forget it. You might as well go to her front door and fall on your knees and beg her back..which will just make you look even weaker than you look now.

 

If you love something you let it go. Let her do her thing. She wanted to break up then break up. No contact, no reply to texts, absolute silence. This is for you not for her, otherwise you will never move forward and the more things don't go your way with trying to win her back, the more bitter and angry you will become.

 

Time to live your life on your terms bro. Time to be happy!

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Posted

Thank you very much people, its really good to hear different points of view. Your all very helpful even though every opinion is different :)

 

How do I start NC? I mean without pissing her off or making it seem like i'm not interested in her anymore at all :confused: i'm not quite sure what to say to her.

 

Thanks

Posted
Thank you very much people, its really good to hear different points of view. Your all very helpful even though every opinion is different :)

 

How do I start NC? I mean without pissing her off or making it seem like i'm not interested in her anymore at all :confused: i'm not quite sure what to say to her.

 

Thanks

 

You say nothing. You disappear. No Facebook stalking so block her. Opinions not really that different in this thread. They all say go NC and move on.

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Posted

Well, I want to NC for a while at first to see if I have a chance in getting back with her. Then if then I find out there definitely isn't a hope in hell for me then I will disappear, it'll be heartbreaking but I will.

 

How long would you think is a good amount of time to give a girl so that she can figure out what she REALLY wants? And for her to miss you enough that it MIGHT make her realise she's made a mistake?

 

Thanks

Posted

Years maybe before she'll realize she messed up.... I originally went NC thinking she'd miss me. That was dumb. NC really is for us to heal brother. Don't fool yourself like I did.

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