I've barely dated

February 24, 2013

I am 31 and have mainly been in relationships. I am really hoping that I can take a step back and give myself time to be alone and date casually. So, if you see me on here at any point in the next month being all head over heels for someone, tell me I am not thinking straight! I get excited about the potential for a new relationship, and then I quickly get roped into one that isn't right for me. I want to break this cycle! I need to take things slowly, and make better choices. I believe I can go on a date without having it get serious immediately... it just hasn't happened that way for me in the past (totally my fault). So, I will definitely be asking you wise LSers for some advice.

There is a guy that wants to meet me, and has asked me out. He is friends with one of my best friends, so it wouldn't be awkward if he joined us out some time. In fact, he was planning to be at an event next week that I am also going to. The response I sent him when he asked me out was that I am busy this week (which is true) but am looking forward to meeting him next week. That's when he said he likely isn't going but still wants to meet me. It might be common sense to some of you, but I don't know how to phrase a response letting him know I'd prefer to meet in a group setting. Thoughts?

February 24, 2013

I am 31 and have mainly been in relationships. I am really hoping that I can take a step back and give myself time to be alone and date casually. So, if you see me on here at any point in the next month being all head over heels for someone, tell me I am not thinking straight! I get excited about the potential for a new relationship, and then I quickly get roped into one that isn't right for me. I want to break this cycle! I need to take things slowly, and make better choices. I believe I can go on a date without having it get serious immediately... it just hasn't happened that way for me in the past (totally my fault). So, I will definitely be asking you wise LSers for some advice.

There is a guy that wants to meet me, and has asked me out. He is friends with one of my best friends, so it wouldn't be awkward if he joined us out some time. In fact, he was planning to be at an event next week that I am also going to. The response I sent him when he asked me out was that I am busy this week (which is true) but am looking forward to meeting him next week. That's when he said he likely isn't going but still wants to meet me. It might be common sense to some of you, but I don't know how to phrase a response letting him know I'd prefer to meet in a group setting. Thoughts?

Don't get emotionally attached! Oh, wait.. We're supposed to wait until you fall for someone. Got it, we will be waiting.

That's a bit tricky, the only way I can think of is bring a wing-woman along or postponing it until you can plan another group scenario out to meet at. Straight up telling him you want to only hang with him in a group might come off strange, although your intentions aren't nefarious or anything.

February 24, 2013

I'm not clear on why you want to only see him in a group setting. Are you not sure you're interested in him or is it that you're afraid of getting too involved too quickly. If it's the former OK, but if it's the latter, I don't see how the group thing helps. Eventually you will have a real date and you're going to have to get a handle on your emotions then. It doesn't matter if it's first, second, or third date.

Have you actually meet him? Does your good friend vouch for him? If so it seems low risk even one-on-one if you can just handle your emotions.

February 24, 2013

I've exchanged about a dozen messages with him. I've never met him, and my friend knows him from when she was younger. She vouches that he is a nice guy, and a romantic. She said he is definitely not a liar or cheat, and the worst will probably be that he might be little clingy. But, she hasn't seen him in years, so I'm not putting any stock into this information.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I am interested, and it would be best to have other people around in case it's not a good match. He's written a couple things that have rubbed me the wrong way, one time he was trying to be funny, and one time it was poor word choice (in speaking of overweight people he's encountered while dating). I think he is just an open and blunt person. I realize I might be overreacting/misinterpreting, which is common with non-verbal communication, especially when the person is a stranger. I just know at this point, I am not interested in going out one on one with him.

February 24, 2013

Do coffee date or find a way to work in the group thing but that seems like it might be awkward since your friend hasn't even seen him in years.

February 25, 2013

Hmm. I think I'll wait to see if he changes his mind and goes to the social gathering next week. If I get to meet him there, I'll decide if going out one on one is something I want to do. Right now, I think I'm all set.

February 25, 2013

Interesting. I hear most women say they have difficulty finding a guy who wants a relationship, but seems you don't have that problem. Lucky you.

The good thing about just wanting dates is you are in complete control. Just take one day at a time and enjoy the journey.

February 25, 2013

Finding a guy isn't a problem, finding a compatible guy to have a healthy relationship has been a problem... I've made some poor choices. So, this time the brakes are on. Red flags will not be ignored! For the two reasons I've listed above, this guy makes me want to hesitate, so that's what I'm doing. If he really wants to meet me, he will make an effort to show up to an event/gathering some time. If not, that's ok too.

February 26, 2013

Part of your issue may be that you expect too much from a single date. A date is simply an opportunity to learn a little more about someone. Nothing more. If your goal truly is to break your pattern and just date casually, I'd suggest you date almost anyone who meets some very basic baseline criteria. Lose all the hurdles and hoops that you seem to have in place right now. It will help you break this habit of thinking you have to be in a relationship with everyone you date or that going on a date automatically means XYZ.

Insisting on prescreening him in a group setting before you actually date is essentially doing exactly what you've always done--viewing dates as automatic contenders for a relationship. They aren't. That's how many people end up in terrible relationships. The train leaves the station, and they just keep going to the very bitter end, when the conductor kicks off whoever is left at the final stop.

Consider whether you want to get off at each stop en route. Each date is a screen. The outcome is: do I want another date with this person or is he someone I no longer want in my life romantically, given what I know after this date. He should be doing the same.

Dating is a one-on-one activity. Relying on a crowd is certainly not going to fix your fundamental issues in picking appropriate men. Neither is the email screening to which you have subjected him. In fact, most reasonable guys would balk at the idea of going on a date in a group setting with your friends, and rightfully so. It defeats the whole purpose of a first date. Most good men will also walk away if you keep refusing to meet. You will have eliminated some men and enriched for a particular type of guy...a guy with (almost) no options who will put up with all types of nonsense from a stranger...and typically there's a reason for that.

If you're truly too frightened of being one-on-one in a public place with a guy, it's possible you aren't quite ready to date. Perhaps spend (more) time being single first.

Good luck...and I love your avatar!

Edited February 26, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

February 26, 2013

Thank you for the great response. You are right. I need to bite the bullet and realize a date is not so serious, and I have to be ready for rejection (giving or receiving). I think a big fear for me is telling someone I'm just not feeling "it".

I feel ready to date someone if I were really interested in them. I don't want to date just for the sake of it, at least not right now. When I'm ready I'll spread my wings more.

I think I just don't want to go out with this guy. He has posted other things on his social media page that make me think we're incompatible humor-wise. To put these things online (and constantly) seems a little too immature. And there's rarely anything else he posts.

What do I say to him though? Just that I am too busy/not interested right now? Or do I tell him I think we're incompatible?

Also, I am more middle of the road (lean towards liberal) and not religious and he lists himself as conservative and Catholic.

Edited February 26, 2013 by ScienceGal

February 26, 2013

Thank you for the great response. You are right. I need to bite the bullet and realize a date is not so serious, and I have to be ready for rejection (giving or receiving). I think a big fear for me is telling someone I'm just not feeling "it".

I feel ready to date someone if I were really interested in them. I don't want to date just for the sake of it, at least not right now. When I'm ready I'll spread my wings more.

I think I just don't want to go out with this guy. He has posted other things on his social media page that make me think we're incompatible humor-wise. To put these things online (and constantly) seems a little too immature. And there's rarely anything else he posts.

What do I say to him though? Just that I am too busy/not interested right now? Or do I tell him I think we're incompatible?

Also, I am more middle of the road (lean towards liberal) and not religious and he lists himself as conservative and Catholic.

If you haven't even gone on a date yet - tell him the truth. You've enjoyed getting to know him, but you don't feel you're compatible. All the best in the future.

I've been told by women that they're just not feeling "it" and even if it's been one or two dates, it still hurts. For like a day. Trust me, it hurts a lot more if you've been in a relationship for years...

February 26, 2013

...I feel ready to date someone if I were really interested in them. I don't want to date just for the sake of it, at least not right now. When I'm ready I'll spread my wings more.

Bam! You are once again right back on the path that has you jumping into relationships with poor choices.

Not trying to give you a hard time, but please drop the preconceived notions of who someone must be based on a handful of emails and postings on Facebook. Facebook is for friends who know and understand you, and can put your comments and rants in context. Your overanalysis of slivers of a few bits of out-of-context data is why you keep landing in a mess. Your interpretation reflects only you (not the guy) and some fantasy you create of the person based on fluff. It's not reality by a long shot! The problem with prescreening and then going out with only those guys you are really excited about, is you made a decision about compatibility on almost no real information. It's flawed, unreliable interpretation of random slivers, and then you run with it because they excite you. You are blind to flaws and red flags because you aren't looking for them. You think you "know" the person. You don't.

What you are doing is similar to randomly picking up 3 or 4 pieces from a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle and then claiming you know what the picture must be. Take being Catholic. I know devout, observant Catholics. I also know some who are atheists and haven't been inside a Church since their infant baptism. But if asked, they will self-identify as Catholic despite their views because that is their historical heritage. A label tells you nothing about a person. Yet you have built this vivid picture of who this guy must be and what he must think and feel based on a few labels, and a couple of comments he made over email or on Facebook. I suspect going out with him will be very educational for you. Date a few of these "obviously wrong from the outset" guys and you will gain significant insights into why you keep landing in relationships with guys who seem fantastic for you at the beginning but are horrible relationship choices.

What you had been doing obviously hasn't worked for you. Yet, despite claiming to change, you're right back to using the exact same approach to dating. You claim you want to casually date, that you don't want a relationship. Yet, in the same breath you're obviously rejecting casual dating when you describe your approach to how you will date, and how you will choose partners. Casual dating IS dating for the sake of dating! What will you be doing if not this? Are you're proposing instead to date only to be serious with someone? That would be dating to be in a relationship, no? You already do that in spades, but always with the wrong guys. You'll only date guys that excite you from the outset? Well, that had never worked in the past, had it? Making quick judgements and evaluating guys at the outset when you have no real information on them has never worked. Yet, here you are insisting on doing the exact same thing with this guy.

Expect more of the same since your approach isn't changing. Just your words about what you will do. If you truly want change, you would be better served at this point to have a few general criteria, and then date anyone who meets these at least a couple of times before making a decision.

Good luck trying to change!

Edited February 26, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

February 26, 2013

I realize this thread doesn't cover it, but I have ended up with guys who gave me uncertain feelings from the get go. I gave them a chance when my gut was saying otherwise. I believed that underneath the "red flags" there would be compatibility, I just have to give it a chance. Wrong! And, I've done this more than once. My problem has always been my inability to identify a bad match and pass them by. Not knowing me, you cannot appreciate how different a place I am in right now. I'm actually wanting to be alone while I figure this out. If someone who seems compatible comes along, then I'll be interested in going on a date with them. I don't want or need to say yes to everyone. That's not how dating works either.

I'm sorry, but him inviting me to be able to see his social media account is him letting me see a little more about him, and potentially make a judgement based upon that. I see your point on the religious labels. But, someone that posts even borderline offensive things everyday doesn't seem like someone I would get along with romantically. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him different than me.

Perhaps I shouldn't expect to be "excited" about a first date, but I should be looking forward to it more than not. I will not force myself. And, I'm sorry this seems to have struck a nerve with you, but that happens on here.

Edited February 26, 2013 by ScienceGal

February 26, 2013

No nerve struck. Not my problem. Not my life. Simply trying to help.

Perhaps you only reach out to help when a story strikes a nerve with you. I don't know. If so, that would be you. Not me. I reached out because I have a knack for ending up in relationships with fantastic guys. I have a knack for realizing who is right and who is wrong for me, so I've never had a bad experience. That's why I responded. I can only go on the few pieces of information you provided here to give guidance. Whether you take my advice matters not at all to me. Again, not my life. No offense intended, but I don't even know you. So no personal investment on my end in how you ultimately choose to live and date (other than the time it took to jot down each response while I was bored, procrastinating, and looking to help others). I'm happy in my life either way. That's really what matters to me.

All the best with the changes you're trying to make. I do hope you find happiness!

February 27, 2013

Thank you, your posts have given me things to think about.

Anyone else have an opinion on whether I should tell him that I am too busy/not interested right now? Or do I tell him I think we're incompatible? I am not going to ignore him.

Anyone think I should just go out with him?

February 27, 2013

Just go! It's one date. Don't put any pressure on it. Just meet the guy and have a nice coffee/lunch/whatever.

I totally relate to being very cautious about dating, and then diving right into relationships. I'm also figuring out why this isn't the most effective approach, and I want to try "just dating" for a change, until I meet someone I really click with.

I recently went on a few dates with a new guy. I can tell he likes me a lot, but I'm not feeling it. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to tell him that. I also hate rejecting romantic prospects, but that's just part of it. Everybody gets rejected sometimes.

And even if it doesn't work out with your date, maybe you could be friends and introduce each other to somebody in the future. I have a friend who always invites the guys she's not interested in to her parties, in case they click with one of her cool female friends. Actual connections and relationships have resulted!

Don't be so afraid of meeting new men. They're not so bad

February 27, 2013

I agree with Ruby. You don't have much to lose by just going out with him once and maybe something nice to gain. My girlfriend read some of my online writings before we met in person and she hated a lot of them, but we ended up having pretty good chemistry in person. Worst comes to worst and you have a new entertaining horror story to tell all your friends.

February 27, 2013

I agree with Cutiepie's analysis of your thinking, even if you're not into "this" particular guy.

And I'll agree with the others that you should consider meeting with this guy for at least one date.

What better way to start your foray into casual dating than with someone you think you're not that into?

Good luck! Keep us posted!

February 27, 2013

I am 31 and have mainly been in relationships. I am really hoping that I can take a step back and give myself time to be alone and date casually. So, if you see me on here at any point in the next month being all head over heels for someone, tell me I am not thinking straight! I get excited about the potential for a new relationship, and then I quickly get roped into one that isn't right for me. I want to break this cycle! I need to take things slowly, and make better choices. I believe I can go on a date without having it get serious immediately... it just hasn't happened that way for me in the past (totally my fault). So, I will definitely be asking you wise LSers for some advice.

There is a guy that wants to meet me, and has asked me out. He is friends with one of my best friends, so it wouldn't be awkward if he joined us out some time. In fact, he was planning to be at an event next week that I am also going to. The response I sent him when he asked me out was that I am busy this week (which is true) but am looking forward to meeting him next week. That's when he said he likely isn't going but still wants to meet me. It might be common sense to some of you, but I don't know how to phrase a response letting him know I'd prefer to meet in a group setting. Thoughts?

I don't know. I haven't dated casually. If it's not a chance of a relationship, I don't think I could be interested. I did stay completely single for two years after my divorce. Why is casual dating necessary? Why not be comfortable single for a while; then there is not much temptation to continue with something that isn't right because you know the alternative is pretty good and you know yourself well enough to know what you need?

To me, the alone gives you more than trying to casually date.

Though take it as you will, a date seems to lead to a relationship to me..(though that's partially because I haven't dated strangers.) BUT they've been good experiences in general. Not all (obviously) but I wouldn't undo any of them.

February 27, 2013

I think I'll just meet this guy. He's asked me on a low-key "date" and I really don't have anything to lose. Even if I think it might not be a match, with his personality, it does not seem like it will be boring! And, he doesn't seem like someone I won't get along with.

Also, I am not fishing for dates. My friend messaged him photos of me and told him he should strike up a conversation. If it's not a match, no big deal. I will go back to being where I am at, single and regaining the important things in my life (friends, hobbies, peace and quiet). I am surprisingly more content now than I've been in a while!

Thanks for the comments

February 27, 2013

Though take it as you will, a date seems to lead to a relationship to me..(though that's partially because I haven't dated strangers.) BUT they've been good experiences in general. Not all (obviously) but I wouldn't undo any of them.

This sounds like me! I've never been married, but met all my long-term exes through other people, casual hanging out, wind up being together, yadda yadda. And, I have zero regret as well

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