Quiet Storm Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 There is a popular saying in addiction recovery and psychology - "we are only as sick as our secrets". A healthy relationship is based on honesty and both partners act with integrity. We all make mistakes and have flaws, but we should be open with our partners about them. Resolving problems in the relationship should be a team effort. It seems that you are rationalizing "not telling" as a way to protect your partner from difficult truths. Relationships aren't easy. Sometimes we must make hard choices for the greater good of the relationship. I understand that it is risky because you cannot predict how he will react. I suggest that you take the risk because, from my perspective, losing him would be better than having a dishonest relationship. Your partner may feel that this is important information. Witholding that information is manipulative. It puts you in a position of power over him, because you are deciding what facts are relevant regarding his life and relationship. He should have the opportunity to decide that on his own. From my perspective, a relationship where truths are hidden or minimized is manipulative and unhealthy and therefore, "as sick as it's secrets". If your goal is to have a genuine emotional connection with your partner, then tell. 2
Quiet Storm Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 The only reason I haven't said anything to my guy (and him not to his girlfriend) is because we feel it's our problem. Not theirs. They are wonderful. We obviously are insecure and were feeding each other like an addiction. I do absolutely value honesty and integrity but in a situation like this I feel it could harm the other parties more than make them feel like we did something righteous. As in..I'd get to pat myself on the back telling myself I was honest and had integrity..but in the mean time I feel like I'd be selfish having wounded my guy so much. He'd be asking himself where he went wrong..and he didn't go wrong. I'm not one of those girls who can say my guy abused me..neglected me..etc. He was great. We both are very busy and I prob neglected our relationship a lot more and ignored his attempts to work on it. I take full blame for that and just feel like telling him I was cyber sexing would almost be a cruel slap in the face. It's not about you or patting yourself on the back for being honest. Relieving guilt, feeling self righteous... all that is about YOU and your feelings. It's about him. He has a right to know what kind of person you are. You love him and are in a long term, serious relationship with him. He should know all of you. Flaws and all. You were vulnerable. You were insecure. He should know this so that he can decide if he wants to be with a vulnerable and insecure person. If he chooses to remain in the relationship, you can work together to set boundaries so that you won't become vulnerable again in the future. Instead of hiding your shortcomings and mistakes, share them so that your partner can support you and help you better yourself.
ComingInHot Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Tulip80; Quick question; Do you think that there is no chance on earth that your cyber boundary crossing will leak out? Like 100% No Way the "secret" will be outed? I ask because you would be amazed at the pain and anger and destruction a "secret" like this can cause even Years down the road, especially if you and this OM stay working together. Just thinking you should consider ALL possible outcomes to keeping this "secret" AND to being Honest.* 1
dichotomy Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) As a man I have been on the receiving end of a spouse who had an EA. More or less - l found out about it. You made one statement that kind of gives me pause "I would be ok with him dumping me because I deserve it" To me this sounds like you do feel bad about yourself, but really if the marriage ended it would be fine. This is different than what I sometimes hear from cheaters - which is a kind of major emotional panic breakdown that they realize they can't handle loosing their spouse. No - what i see is you feeling bad about yourself (which is great -really thats healthy) but not so much about your great husband. In other words I think this is still all about you. If you really, really don't want to loose your husband - you can't stand the thought of loosing your perfect husband and mate for life - I can give you some advice and steps you need to take before (or if ) you tell him. And if (or when) you tell him - believe me he won't feel its about you exactly - but that he is not enough for you to have avoided this guy. And if your really open and honest (100% and who does that?) if (or when) you confess - he is going to want all read all communications or have you tell him word for word - and I bet it won't help. Edited February 26, 2013 by dichotomy
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