To Tell Or Not?

[tulip80]

I had an emotional affair for a few months (nothing physical--BUT obviously still very inappropriate) and I tried to stop a few times...and FINALLY had enough of this guy chasing me (don't get me wrong I obviously DID like it deep down) but I found the strength to cut him off completely.

 

It has been 2 days and I have to say it's like breaking a drug addiction..but I know deep down it's wrong, it's unhealthy and it's unfair to all parties involved. I tried to break it off 3 times with him but he sure knew how to work the soft spot in my heart..and I was ultimately selfish for allowing myself to fall back into it again.

 

Here's where I'm at..when I have allowed the emotional rollercoaster to STOP running and my hormones have calmed down after a few days..it's as though I can THINK again. I'm back to being the intelligent and logical human being that I am and I have so much clarity it's amazing.

 

I realize now that I didn't have this SO much because because my guy wasn't giving me what I needed (whether he did or not, it's not an excuse) but because *I* am the one who actually has inner work to do. *I* am the one who thought I was SO confident...but I guess I need to develop an even better self esteem because if mine was rock solid I wouldn't have even been OPEN to his validation (making me feel hot, sexy and desired..) Ugh..it's pathetic and shameful. I don't ever want to allow myself to feel that way again because my guy is a great man and deserves better.

 

I have admitted things heavier than this...so I'm not a person who has ever had a problem owning up...or admitting I'm wrong. I actually live by that. I've always forced myself to say it to a person's face, etc. No matter how much anxiety, etc., it causes me because that's just me.

 

I could even live with the consequences of my guy leaving me (he WOULD leave me) because I know very well I'd deserve it even though I know deep down I didn't truly love this guy and won't be doing this again. The reason I'm on the fence about telling him is because this is actually MY problem and I ask myself..ok..."So you're going to hurt him and put him in pain so you can get this off your chest?"

 

That would be a huge blow to his self esteem and he doesn't deserve that whatsoever. I think it would actually mentally torture him because he wouldn't be able to understand why I did it and he'd be looking for what HE did wrong when in reality it was 100% me being selfish (although I didn't realize it at the time) and insecure. He has always told me I am the least selfish person he knows..and that has generally been true..but I am human and slipped.

 

So here's where I am..to tell or not? Did you tell your spouse? I feel it would hurt him more than anything and almost feel like it would be selfish because it would relieve MY guilt but destroy him and all for what? He doesn't even deserve that.

 

That's the only reason I'm torn. What do you think and how have you handled this in the past?

 

I've always been SUCH a painfully honest person so it obviously upsets me that I ever made such a stupid mistake and my karma has not been fun, either. Please never think this stuff doesn't come back around. You put out unethical vibrations and you'll start seeing negative stuff pop up in your life.

 

To Tell Or Not? What's your viewpoint?

[tulip80]

P.S. I've been posting like crazy here because I cut off the guy 48 hours ago and I know the first few days are always the hardest. I feel "weak" and want to forgive him and hold onto the thought in my head that he's the charming man I really thought he was and that we are "meant to be" and "the exception" and "soulmates"..blah..so embarrassed I could puke ..but taking responsibility and posting on this forum is giving me a lot of strength. It has been a slap of reality across the face for me and I vow I'll never do this again.

[Realist3]

Keep it to yourself. It serves no purpose at this point.

[tulip80]

Keep it to yourself. It serves no purpose at this point.

 

That's kind of how I felt. I wonder when people feel it's appropriate to admit it and come "clean"?

 

The ONLY and I mean ONLY reason I haven't is because I think I'd "taint" him more while cleaning myself, if that makes sense. It would take the burden off me and throw it on him..so I have kind of told myself that my karma is having to suffer in silence with the guilt..owning up to it..and making myself the person he deserves and is worthy of..and so much more.

 

Thanks for replying

[Survivor12]

When you say that there was "nothing physical" do you mean that you didn't have sex or that there was absolutely no physical contact--no touching, kissing, etc.?

[Realist3]

That's kind of how I felt. I wonder when people feel it's appropriate to admit it and come "clean"?

 

The ONLY and I mean ONLY reason I haven't is because I think I'd "taint" him more while cleaning myself, if that makes sense. It would take the burden off me and throw it on him..so I have kind of told myself that my karma is having to suffer in silence with the guilt..owning up to it..and making myself the person he deserves and is worthy of..and so much more.

 

Thanks for replying

 

I have a few opinions on that, but I think if its truly over it is best no one gets hurt. The pull is strong, but ... be aware of what you will be opening up.

[Decorative]

I doubt you will find a betrayed person or a regretful other person that will encourage you to withhold the truth.

 

The truth matters. It's the foundation of a healthy relationship.

[tulip80]

When you say that there was "nothing physical" do you mean that you didn't have sex or that there was absolutely no physical contact--no touching, kissing, etc.?

 

Absolutely no physical contact.

[Eggplant]

If all you did was have a mental fantasy and not act on it, then you shouldn't tell. That kind of thing probably happens to everybody and they stifle it.

 

But it sounds as though you were exchanging inappropriate conversation, so confess.

 

You are an open book. You don't hide. You didn't do anything physical, and you are offering up the truth to your partner. So hopefully your partner will recognize your integrity and forgive you.

 

Good luck.

[tulip80]

I have a few opinions on that, but I think if its truly over it is best no one gets hurt. The pull is strong, but ... be aware of what you will be opening up.

 

Opening up what? Oh and it's most DEFINITELY over..even if I was single I wouldn't want to be with this man. Excitement isn't worth degrading ones self or lowering standards for someone you thought was SO charming and thought so highly of only to realize they are selfish and lack accountability for their actions. That's a character flaw..not even a regular ol' flaw of the flesh.

[Eggplant]

If your partner is smart, he (I assume he) will recognize that he's with an honest person. You didn't do anything physical, and you are owning up to your mistakes and taking responsibility.

 

If you don't tell your partner, and he finds out, then he may assume the worst.

 

He may throw a fit and leave. That would be his loss, as you seem worth keeping, at least based on your post, if it's honest.

[spice4life]

You've got some great advice here so far. If it were me I would tell. There will be a reaction and he will be hurt, no doubt. It will give him a choice though and we all have a right to choose. Talk about it with him and explore why you allowed yourself to breach his trust. If it was a faulty coping mechanism within you then he needs to know so he can provide support as you work on figuring it out. If it has to do with something missing in your relationship he needs to be aware of that too. You both can work on it together.

 

Personally, I would much rather be with a person who admits their faults than someone who doesn't. No one is perfect and if someone truly loves you they will support you and not abandon what you have already built. That's life and "real" relationships.

Edited February 25, 2013 by spice4life

[stevie_23]

It kind of depends on whether this emotional thing was really reciprocated by both parties. You said he was “chasing” you and it felt good, but what actually HAPPENED? Did he just chase you, flirt with you and you let him for a while before ending it? Or did you both profess your love for one another but there was just not sex or physical stuff going on? If it was reciprocal and you felt LOVE for him and told him this and shared intimate details of your life and felt more loyal to him than your partner, then this is what my following opinion is based on.

 

I think if it really is over and you will never do the same thing again, then technically there IS no reason to tell your partner, because yes, it WILL hurt him, it WILL make him wonder what HE did wrong to cause this (even though it’s nothing really to do with him), and he may leave you before you’ve even worked out what you really WANT in terms of this, or any other, relationship.

 

It WILL create major complications and hardship in your life if you tell him. I can see why not telling him, now that it’s over, would seem more logical because the reasons you did it in the first place are about YOU only, not him. And any issues you have to work on now are also about YOU only, and not really him. So…why involve him in this at all if it’ll only create pain and problems?

 

However…if you truly want to continue on in this relationship and re-commit fully to him, you may have a very hard time doing this if you have this between you forever. That lie. That guilt. Can you move beyond this time in your life in terms of your relationship and still hold onto that?

 

IF your emotional affair was more one sided and he was chasing you, you felt flattered and giddy with the flirtation and all that, but didn’t really DO much in response? Then I wouldn’t tell your partner UNLESS you can explain it in a way that won’t scare or hurt or threaten him too much. Just try to sort out the reasons why you let yourself get into that situation to begin with and move forward.

[LadyGrey]

Interesting responses.....most of the people who advised you not to tell are currently in an affair or have been in one very recently and haven't not fessed up themselves.

 

Think about motivations of their own self protection in the ones who are advising you to keep quite.

 

With that said......it is your decision and it will be very easy for you to rationalize it and say, nothing really happened......but truthfully, you know it did.

 

Unless you address it honestly and completely, you are bound to do a repeat down the line. Is that who you want to be?

[todreaminblue]

I agree with lady grey and the other posters who urge you to tell the truth......you will repeat if you dotn deal with the issue......also the fact is you have no idea that your spouse wont find out by someone else even the guy in question......if he decided he is up fro the challenge.......i have had women tell me when my ex has cheated and guys fro that matter have told me their motives were to hurt me and make me vulnerable either to them in the case of the guys who have informed me of infidelity.... or just simply out of spite.......in regards to the women maybe because i have seemed happy...happier than they were..the truth is my heart could be breaking and i would seem happy.only a partner would know how i really felt....what you did was betrayal and you are still betraying his trust in you.....dont allow this ....tell the truth....there is nothign more hurtful than talking about a significant other and being dreamy eyed....than have those dreams crash around your feet..being told

 

guess what i have something to tell you i know you arent going to like it but i have to tell you....and then they ask you to guess what they have to say ......

 

 

 

the smile leaves your face pretty quickly.........it hurts.....it is far more respectful and loving for you to tell the truth......regardless of the consequences...if you love someone you dont withhold truth about any type of affair.its not living in a relationship its living in a lie....you made the wrong choice you know you did....so make the right one now..........deb

[tulip80]

Since there was no physical contact, I am leaning towards not telling.

 

But at the same time, what is going to stop you from potentially doing this again?

 

When you say emotional affair, were you and this guy saying ILY to each other? What were you getting from him that you were NOT getting from your SO?

 

I am truly on the fence...but I can see both sides of it.

 

I think you need to decide deep down if you truly want to be with your SO. I think you will find your answer if you search your heart.

 

 

No..we didn't say I love you but convos got heated. Honestly..I'd say it went from friendship ( a sincere one..bc we're business partners) to cyber sex.

[tulip80]

Interesting responses.....most of the people who advised you not to tell are currently in an affair or have been in one very recently and haven't not fessed up themselves.

 

Think about motivations of their own self protection in the ones who are advising you to keep quite.

 

With that said......it is your decision and it will be very easy for you to rationalize it and say, nothing really happened......but truthfully, you know it did.

 

Unless you address it honestly and completely, you are bound to do a repeat down the line. Is that who you want to be?

 

When were you in a situation like this LG..and did you handle it the way you're advising me to? Just curious how that worked out.

 

..and yes..I'd assume most replies are from people who have made this mistake or been through this experience..which is why I'm asking for their advice.

[Lillyfree]

i told my husband.

 

i was in an EA - mostly. we didn't get to sex.

however, feelings were discussed and the L word popped up a few times.

 

the reason i told was because i've crossed the boundaries, and for months i was completely focused on someone other than him. i wanted to work on my marriage and wanted a completely clean slate.

 

whether you had feelings for this guy or not you've crossed boundaries. i know that if it was the other way around i'd like to be told.

[LadyGrey]

When were you in a situation like this LG..and did you handle it the way you're advising me to? Just curious how that worked out.

 

..and yes..I'd assume most replies are from people who have made this mistake or been through this experience..which is why I'm asking for their advice.

 

I don't want to bore you with all the details, I've rehashed it so many times, people probably want to scream.

 

Short version, Yes, when I was very young, I messed around with a couple of mm, no emotions, just sex. Then when older....I dated a man who said he was separated, he went back to his marriage, I then was a ow for around a year. I couldn't hack it. Years later we reconnected, again he told me they were split up, we dated for almost 2 years, I never dreamed it was all a big lie. I found out from his wife......he lied about both times. So yes, I know what it feels like to be lied to, and your choices taken away because of lies and I know what pain he brought to me and what I brought on myself and I know what pain he and I caused his wife. I'm also the daughter of a serial cheater.........so after much self inflicted pain and some that wasn't self inflicted, I decided it's high time to get real, get honest, and not tell any bs or accept any from anyone else. It's a whole lot easier to look in the mirror at myself these days, I don't have to hide anything or feel bad or feel guilty.

 

I value honesty and integrity in myself and others.

[wisernow]

Interesting responses.....most of the people who advised you not to tell are currently in an affair or have been in one very recently and haven't not fessed up themselves.

 

Think about motivations of their own self protection in the ones who are advising you to keep quite.

 

With that said......it is your decision and it will be very easy for you to rationalize it and say, nothing really happened......but truthfully, you know it did.

 

Unless you address it honestly and completely, you are bound to do a repeat down the line. Is that who you want to be?

 

I get what you're saying, LG, I just don't get this story. I'm way out of an a, but I don't really understand what happened here. Sounds to me ( and god knows I may have it wrong) like this was some co-worker dude that asked her to talk dirty to him, and send pics. I'm still awaiting word if tulip even did these things. I don't get what's to get over or what's to tell. Maybe someone gets it, and will enlighten me.

[stevie_23]

As I said in my post, if Tulip did engage with this emotional affair (and you’d think this IS the case or she wouldn’t have called it an “emotional affair” to begin with, right?) and it was reciprocal, she said she loved the guy, or similar, then that IS something to get over and move on from and deal with.

 

If it was ALL him and hardly ANY her, then I’d say it was a misguided attraction to flattery and if she stopped it BEFORE doing anything, then she could tell her partner if she wanted to and it wouldn’t be such a big deal, or she could keep it quiet and move on, trying to fix the issues that caused her to be drawn to this man in the first place.

[LadyGrey]

I get what you're saying, LG, I just don't get this story. I'm way out of an a, but I don't really understand what happened here. Sounds to me ( and god knows I may have it wrong) like this was some co-worker dude that asked her to talk dirty to him, and send pics. I'm still awaiting word if tulip even did these things. I don't get what's to get over or what's to tell. Maybe someone gets it, and will enlighten me.

 

An online EA wiser.........some sexual stuff included is my understanding.

 

The OP feels she has cheated.........from my understanding and I think the advice comes from there.

[jwi71]

Opening up what? Oh and it's most DEFINITELY over..even if I was single I wouldn't want to be with this man.

 

Have you come clean to YOUR SO?

Why did you pursue this A? What did YOU get out of it that your SO couldn't provide?

 

Now...does his W deserve to know? Of course she does just as your SO does.

Depending on ho well you his W, perhaps you couch it a bit with "I'm concerned about your M. Just some things your H has said...talk to him."

 

Something along those lines.

 

But lets face it...this business relationship of yours with him needs to be re-evaluated.

[tulip80]

Thanks for the replies everyone

 

I've cut him off completely. Business and everything. Complete no contact.

 

We weren't in love

 

Some mushy talk but I feel like it was more like a cyber fantasy and I didn't attempt to pursue it. He pursued me for months...I was bored and vulnerable and started finally playing along, too. Wrong on my part I know.

 

The only reason I haven't said anything to my guy (and him not to his girlfriend) is because we feel it's our problem. Not theirs. They are wonderful. We obviously are insecure and were feeding each other like an addiction.

 

I do absolutely value honesty and integrity but in a situation like this I feel it could harm the other parties more than make them feel like we did something righteous.

 

As in..I'd get to pat myself on the back telling myself I was honest and had integrity..but in the mean time I feel like I'd be selfish having wounded my guy so much. He'd be asking himself where he went wrong..and he didn't go wrong.

 

I'm not one of those girls who can say my guy abused me..neglected me..etc. He was great. We both are very busy and I prob neglected our relationship a lot more and ignored his attempts to work on it. I take full blame for that and just feel like telling him I was cyber sexing would almost be a cruel slap in the face.

 

I don't even care about my own feelings. I haven't acted in a worthy manner at all. I could deal with him dumping me because I know I'd deserve it. I just don't want to hurt him.

[LadyGrey]

Sorry but that is a bunch of self rationalization to protect yourself. It has very little to do with protecting your SO. You've already hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's controlling to hide the truth from someone you profess to love.

 

Look........what you've done is not the end of the world, I think most people would view it as a minor transgression, but........still you need to tell him what you've done.

 

Of course it's your decision.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone

 

I've cut him off completely. Business and everything. Complete no contact.

 

We weren't in love

 

Some mushy talk but I feel like it was more like a cyber fantasy and I didn't attempt to pursue it. He pursued me for months...I was bored and vulnerable and started finally playing along, too. Wrong on my part I know.

 

The only reason I haven't said anything to my guy (and him not to his girlfriend) is because we feel it's our problem. Not theirs. They are wonderful. We obviously are insecure and were feeding each other like an addiction.

 

I do absolutely value honesty and integrity but in a situation like this I feel it could harm the other parties more than make them feel like we did something righteous.

 

As in..I'd get to pat myself on the back telling myself I was honest and had integrity..but in the mean time I feel like I'd be selfish having wounded my guy so much. He'd be asking himself where he went wrong..and he didn't go wrong.

 

I'm not one of those girls who can say my guy abused me..neglected me..etc. He was great. We both are very busy and I prob neglected our relationship a lot more and ignored his attempts to work on it. I take full blame for that and just feel like telling him I was cyber sexing would almost be a cruel slap in the face.

 

I don't even care about my own feelings. I haven't acted in a worthy manner at all. I could deal with him dumping me because I know I'd deserve it. I just don't want to hurt him.