Taking really long to get over someone - affecting my self-esteem

[markus36]

Hi,

 

I wonder if I could ask for some advice. I met a woman at a work conference last summer, and we instantly became infatuated with each other. We were together for two weeks for almost 12 hours a day. We both expressed that we felt very seriously about each other. We live a long distance each other, so the odds were stacked against us, but we decided to give it a go.

 

We both work in a similar field, and this work conference went incredibly well, and I gained a lot of confidence. After we went back to our own cities, we were talking every day and planned a visit. The short version is that she didn't treat me very well, and as I was leaving to go to the airport, she told me she still had feelings for her ex. She had told me about an ex before, but told me how miserable he made her, etc, etc. I had a really awkward week with her, as I felt I was being tested, and it made me feeling really quite insecure.

 

After that, we stayed in contact, and at times, she expressed sentiments that she wasn't happy with her ex, and I held on to this hope that perhaps things would change, but eventually I've had to break contact with her. However, I'm still not over her and it is ridiculous. She is pretty successful in her field, and the whole thing has made me feel a little inadequate.

 

I'm a lot better than I was, but I still have moments where I'm not over her, I feel she's "better" than me. I've even started to date other women, and I'm having fun, I have friends, I do sport, etc, but even with no contact, I still want to write to her, or wonder whether she's happy, or why did she change her mind, or... or... (you get the picture)

 

I do wonder how to get over her, as it's daft that over 6 months on, I still think about her so much.

 

Is there any advice, other than time?

[Hopeful714]

Hi Markus,

 

Welcome to LS.

 

You did the right thing by ending contact. NC (NO CONTACT) is what heals you and helps you move on. Yes, it is hard, and I doubted it myself at first, but it is the way, the only way. Time takes care of the rest. A LOT of time unfortunately for some of us. Do not break NC EVER as it will make you feel worse. You will need to learn that closure comes from within. And some things are not meant to be. Pain, does not equal love.

 

The more you read here, the more you will learn. It appears many people have ex's who were not over their ex's and it seems to be very common. But good for you that you sensed you were being kept as a back up, or fall back guy and ended the contact. Seriously, if I ever go on another date where an ex is brought up I'm going to run in the other direction! lol

 

From what you described, your ex didn't treat you very well. And with the breadcrumbs-games tossed your way, of course you feel low in self esteem. This is normal. You sound like you are doing well in keeping busy and dating. My advice to you is to keep doing what your doing. Sooner or later you will meet a nice girl who you do like and doesn't play with your heart. Try to focus on the girls who make you happy that you CAN HAVE opposed to the ones that treat you crappy that you CAN't.

 

Be glad your ex is a long distance from you, and don't let anyone make you feel inferior. I know this is easier said then done, and I am still figuring that out myself! Many say only you determine how you feel...don't let anyone MAKE you feel a certain way...thus don't give your power to her to make you feel bad about you.

 

Good luck and Be well!

[markus36]

Thanks a lot - the strict NC has only lasted two weeks - before, either I would break, or she would have some piece of news for me. The distance does make it easier I think - she did treat me terribly, she lied to me about her ex, etc.

 

I think it frustrates how apparently easy she just went back to her old life with her boyfriend, whereas I was left wondering what had happened. I should be pleased for her successes, but it's hard.

 

NC is the only way I'm going to succeed. Her emails go into my delete folder, my web-browser blocks websites with her name on it (it's an unusual name), I've facebook blocked her and as many of her friends who I could see posted on her wall, or whatever.

[Hopeful714]

Good for you. Read the NC guides on here too. They offer many tips.

 

This girl you described sounds selfish. For yes, how DOES somebody do something like that to someone? Not good. Unfortunately there are people like that out there. It's up to us to pick up on them and weed them out. Be careful before you give your heart in the future until actions match words in a consistent form.

 

Since its only been a short time NC, I'm sure this girl is now puzzled at why you are not continuing to play her game. And she may try to contact now with more force....keep strong, keep away. You do not need this sort of thing in your life if you want to be healthy.

[markus36]

I think she is pretty selfish - without identifying her, she comes from Europe, and within a year, married her professor in the south, got a green card. They stay married while she does a PhD, then divorces him, when she gets a job on the west coast. She then gets with her current, breaks up with him, sleeps with me, and is now interviewing for jobs on the east coast - I think she does what is right for her, not other people

[Hopeful714]

USER!!!!!

 

Run! as fast as you can....you can do much better!

[iouaname]

The interesting thing is that you feel that she's "better than you" because you're not over her - meanwhile, she isn't over her ex! That right there should show you that she is in no way better than you.

[markus36]

Certainly all my friends think she's a user - but one that seems to float through life easily gaining accolades and plaudits.

 

iouname, you're right, that's an interesting way to look at it - she wasn't over the guy, who assuming she was telling me some of the truth, told me that he made her miserable, how she couldn't handle his moods - but she went back to him. Still, I think, if she gets a job on the east coast (3,000 miles from where she is now), she'll be off like a shot, leaving him to stew.

[markus36]

Anyone have an idea of how long this should last? We were only together from June to August, we've had intermittant contact until February, with me hoping something would change. It was such a short relationship, it's ridiculous... but it felt so perfect for the short time we were together - we both "knew" we were perfect for each other

[Hopeful714]

HA! There are tons of peeps on here that would love to know the answer to that one, me included.

 

If only there were a sure fire cure for this...then someone could bottle it and get rich quick!

 

So far time is the answer..how much time? Depends...read the posts!

 

Again welcome to LS!

[markus36]

thanks. I do wonder sometimes if there are some people you never really get over, you just think about them less and less, but if you were to see them again, you'd want to be with them. (I think I'm an old romantic)

[markus36]

I hope people don't mind me posting here, almost a bit self-indulgently, to remind myself to stay NC. It's been two weeks so far of absolute NC. I don't want her back, and I know she's not coming back.

 

I was tempted to write today, but I haven't.

 

This should have been a relationship I got over in a question of weeks, but because it has affected my self-esteem so much, it's lasted longer. For a long time, I thought she would come back to me.

 

I've never begged her to come back, but I made it clear I still had feelings for her, and that she upset me. I regret that, but then, at least it was true. I think she will ultimately leave her ex - I simply don't believe one can be so miserable with this ex, and then to go back and it all to be fine - but I'm sure she will do it like she left her first husband without a second glance.