sleepy1 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 (edited) Let me give some background info... My ex was my first love. We met by chance at a park (the person he was with was friends with the person I was with). He ended up messaging me on Facebook the day after. We went on our first date and really hit it off and started officially dating about 3 weeks after that. I was 20 he was 22. To start off, I was a mess when the relationship started. It was April and I was struggling in community college, dropping classes left and right at the end of the semester (which had been a theme throughout my college career, due to confidence issues and fear of succeeding - uncovered in therapy). But by summer, I did not have classes to worry about so I was free. I became immersed with him. We spent almost every day with each other. He would always do / make / buy something special for our "mensiversaries" and he'd inspire me to do special things for him. He taught me how to love. Then, toward the end of the summer, I had what I'll call an anxiety attack when I slept over his house. From that point on, things began to go downhill for me. I began to live with this anxiety on a day to day basis. By the winter, I was literally afraid to leave my house (or sleep over his). This anxiety lead to physical and psychological side effects that was horrible. We would occasionally go to local parks and such, but it left me feeling uneasy. I left my job 10 months into the relationship and dropped all of my classes. He stuck around. By the dusk of our relationship, he surprised me with a trip to Florida which I reluctantly backed out of a few days after he told me. I had been yearning to go back to the time before I met him. I had just started to come out of my shell and had a brief stint of hookups / meetings with other guys. I wasn't looking for love. I attributed my anxiety to my boyfriend. Two weeks after our one year, I messaged him on Facebook letting him know I needed to take an "indefinite break" from him; because let's face it, I had no job, no school and had a major anxiety problem. I needed to focus on myself for a while. And I did. I began seeing a councilor and took summer classes (which I got all A's in). My boyfriend and I were in limbo, but did write each other once a month. By about 5 months into the break, I opened a package from him that had a shirt that I had left at his house months before with a goodbye note. I was absolutely devastated and threw away everything he ever gave me that night. A few weeks later, I saw "hearts" from another younger guy (3 years MY junior) on his Facebook wall and that just about did me in. I blocked him. That was almost a year and a half ago. The first month was the worst, but I did improve myself so much. I joined theater and was in my first production in years, got very close to my friends and my anxiety had all but disappeared - I'm still doing good. Now, I made it clear to myself that I wouldn't pursue another relationship until I thought I was "good". 5 months after receiving the "goodbye letter" I joined match.com and okcupid. I communicated with a few guys, went on a date with one before I found my current boyfriend. I was only on the dating scene for about a month! We had a few dates before kissed. But I got really freaked out and we both decided to be platonic until about a month later, I realized we were communicating to each other every day, so I thought why not make it "official"? So I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said yes. Yes, I feel like I rushed into things. One of my friends had told me that I needed to be in another relationship to get over the one before it or else I’d be longing for my ex forever - those words were what really made me “officialize” our relationship. The one thing that I value most between my boyfriend and I is that we COMMUNICATE. I’ve told him things that I’ve never even THOUGHT about telling anyone else. We work through disagreements and talk it out once the heat is cooled. Plus the sex is good/better . What I miss with my ex are the same values, common interests and humor we shared – which my current boyfriend seems to be lacking. Also, the fact that my ex was two years older than me had an effect. My boyfriend is the same age as me (he's 23, I'm 22 - months apart). I know it’s a give and take, but the thoughts of my first love still linger. I’ve told my friends not to tell me anything about my ex. He’s blocked from my Facebook (not out of spite, but for my own sanity). I’ve only heard bits and pieces of updates about my ex: That we was still dating the same guy a few months ago (I’m sure they’re still together) and that once in a blue moon he’ll “like” or comment on my friends statuses on Facebook (after not saying two words to them when we would hang out together…breadcrumbs?). How he could find someone so quick and stay with this person is beyond me (especially with him being 5 years older than the kid!) What made me make this thread was that my boyfriend did find in my phone history “how to get over an ex”, inadvertently (I let him use my phone internet). He confronted me and I was honest and said yes thoughts linger. What I’m asking is, is this normal or was anyone else in a situation like this and how did you cope? Edited February 24, 2013 by sleepy1
AMusing Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I feel for you, OP. You can practically hear your brain begging your heart to get over the past, to invest in your new relationship. But hearts are notoriously stupid, aren't they? I've been in your shoes, and hurt several guys because of it. I still feel guilty about it; I wish I could've told my younger self to take a longer break before dating again. Those guys were awesome, and just didn't deserve to feel like second prize. Honestly, being in a relationship with someone who isn't over his ex feels awful (I've been in that role a few times, too). I dated three men who weren't over their exes; in all three cases, our relationships ended very badly. In two, they chose their ex over me. In the third, after years waiting, struggling and hoping he would be ready to move on, I eventually gave up. I left all three relationships emotionally drained and bitter. They left me resentful and distrustful for a long time. In fact, it was those exes I was hung up on, that caused me to hurt several guys myself! It's an ugly cycle, but it's one you'll have to learn to break free from on your own. Advice... There isn't a lot you can do to cope with your feelings, beyond just giving it time. It's a bad sign that you spent so much space in your post telling us about your ex, and so little time talking about your new guy (and when you do, it's contrasting him with your ex!). You should've stayed single while you were going through this--you are pretty clearly not ready for a serious relationship--but I think you knew that already. Talking to someone (i.e. a therapist, parent, or friend, NOT your current boyfriend) might help. As honest as you feel like you can be with your boyfriend, the more you tell him he's competing against the shadow of your ex, the more you'll hurt him. Absolutely, he deserves to know you are struggling, but don't make him your shoulder to cry on. He deserves better than that.
Author sleepy1 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 I feel for you, OP. You can practically hear your brain begging your heart to get over the past, to invest in your new relationship. But hearts are notoriously stupid, aren't they? I've been in your shoes, and hurt several guys because of it. I still feel guilty about it; I wish I could've told my younger self to take a longer break before dating again. Those guys were awesome, and just didn't deserve to feel like second prize. Honestly, being in a relationship with someone who isn't over his ex feels awful (I've been in that role a few times, too). I dated three men who weren't over their exes; in all three cases, our relationships ended very badly. In two, they chose their ex over me. In the third, after years waiting, struggling and hoping he would be ready to move on, I eventually gave up. I left all three relationships emotionally drained and bitter. They left me resentful and distrustful for a long time. In fact, it was those exes I was hung up on, that caused me to hurt several guys myself! It's an ugly cycle, but it's one you'll have to learn to break free from on your own. Advice... There isn't a lot you can do to cope with your feelings, beyond just giving it time. It's a bad sign that you spent so much space in your post telling us about your ex, and so little time talking about your new guy (and when you do, it's contrasting him with your ex!). You should've stayed single while you were going through this--you are pretty clearly not ready for a serious relationship--but I think you knew that already. Talking to someone (i.e. a therapist, parent, or friend, NOT your current boyfriend) might help. As honest as you feel like you can be with your boyfriend, the more you tell him he's competing against the shadow of your ex, the more you'll hurt him. Absolutely, he deserves to know you are struggling, but don't make him your shoulder to cry on. He deserves better than that. I here you. I AM trying to make this relationship work. Regardless of my thoughts on the ex, my boyfriend and I have had some pretty intense moments where I thought it was all over. But, as I said, once we both settled and talked it out, the problem didn't seem that big. No abuse, drugs, etc...our fights are over silly stuff. I guess it's me having a "one day at a time" attitude. With my ex, I thought we would be together forever (cliche but so true). This time around, I know it isn't always happily every after. I'm, by no means, ready to settle down and I've told him that. I still want to go to a four year school, make new friends, and become involved. My attitude is, if our relationship is strong enough, it will last...if not that is okay because when it comes to goals like that, I need to worry about myself first. But then I fantasize my current relationship not working well, going to college for a few years, then meet up with my first love just to see if it's REMOTELY possible to begin again. I hate holding on. The "Second Chances" forum on this site does not help. I just feel like the loss of my ex was so sudden when it seemed like we had everything that made a perfect couple except a stable individual :/ . Maybe I had a bit of the GIGS. I just knew I needed to get better. I just hope he forgives me. One thing I forgot to mention was that he did see one of my friends over the summer and ask about me...because my friend was going out with his cousin and I met him... he asked her if I was "okay" or if I "acted weird". I realize it may not mean anything and does not mean he wants to get back with me, but I thought I'd just add that in there. I also was planning on seeing a therapist again, just for the past few months it hasn't been financially possible.
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