Limbo

[ThreeDaysGrace]

I've been reading the forum for a while and I finally decided to post. Bear with me if I ended up posting in the wrong place but I honestly couldn't decide which section was the more appropriate for my problem. It will be a long read, I guess.

Here we go.

 

When I met the love of my life I was a teen still in school and so was she. We fell in love immediately, it was love at first sight. We've been friends for a year before finally finding the courage to tell each other our feelings. We were virgins and we are each other's first time. However, our love finished after another year. There were misunderstandings and we were too immature to betray our feelings and tell the other how we suffered. The silly thing is that, basically, she told me lies to make me jealous. What she did was making me angrier and angrier from time to time leading me to closing up in myself and starting to detach from her. We started seeing more rarely as time went on and, eventually, she left me. When that happened, I was not devastated. I just felt empty. No sadness, no anger and there wasn't a single thing who could give me joy.

 

We've been apart for a few years. My social life went downhill: I never wanted to go out, I rejected calls from friends, I wanted to stay alone with myself. I tried to move on twice, dating 2 girls, but I could not even kiss them because I knew they were not right for me and that I could never love them. I've always had one girl in my mind, in my heart.

 

Some months ago, she came back. I was happy for the first time in a long time. Long story short, we got back together and clarified everything. She is awesome: she is beautiful, funny, intelligent. Everything is much much better than before! Being with her was the one thing that could rock my life again, or so I thought...

 

Unlike me, her social life went up right after dumping me. She had other guys and had sex with 2 of them. This is killing me. This drives me crazy, I feel like exploding. I feel betrayed. I feel left behind, I feel stupid... Every time I try to tell her how I feel she starts crying and shouting at me. She told me more than once that she didn't really want to have sex with them and when I, bewildered, asked "then why did you do that?" she answered back with a "where were you these 3 years?". I know that past is the past and so on but...

I've never ever asked for anything in my life. It's been years since I've bought something for me. But it's okay, really. The only thing I asked for was a woman that loved only me, a fairy tale love story where I was the only one for her and she was the only one for me. I HAD IT!!! But she had to screw it up... Why did she do that? It was perfect, we had everything...

I'm not a religious guy, rather I don't even believe in God. I just think that there exist soul mates and one should only make love with his other half. That's a thought that only I in my family elaborated, my father and my brother are not like this, so it's not like it's my background that is influencing me. But it's not even the sex, not only that; the fact she kissed other people, that she shares history with other guys drives me crazy as much.

 

When I vent it out, like now that I'm typing my story, I feel very silly even thinking these things, but when I'm alone these thoughts kill me... I don't want to hate her but sometimes I feel like I can't love her at my fullest again. Sometimes I think I should have done something with the other girls and maybe I wouldn't have felt this way. But it's not like me to do that. I feel like in a Limbo. I'm in between loving her and hating her.

 

Help me, how do I cope with the past? How do I deal with it? What should I do?

Edited February 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted personal information

[TaraMaiden]

I know you're in pain, and I know this is important to you, but sadly, all I feel like doing you is shaking you, because to be honest, you're being an arrogant, deluded prick.

 

Who thephukk do you think you are to feel you can impose your standards, dreams, conditions, on someone else - and get mad with them, simply because they fail to conform to your imagery?

 

She - like you - had every right to go out, spread her wings and date.

 

She - like you - had every right to form new relationships, meet new people and gain world experience.

 

What would you be like if she had become far more promiscuous and had sex with 8 guys, while you weren't in her life??

Two, frankly, is pretty tame. nothing to get riled about.

 

And here's more bad news for you: She actually probably did it because she wanted to. And may have even enjoyed it.

But out of consideration for your injured feelings and pride she's playing it down and dismissing it as inconsequential and meaningless.

 

Get over yourself.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't know where the hell you feel you have the right to stand in judgement of her, when she was only doing what was absolutely right.

What you too, should have done,

 

Gaining some life experience, meeting new people, and growing up.

 

She moved on and had some fun.

 

You stayed stuck, and didn't do any of that - and you're mad at her that in your eyes, she didn't remain pure, chaste and just yours....

 

She came back after 3 years.

 

if 6 years had instead passed, would you still be expecting this??

 

You're being very unreasonable, insanely jealous and completely irrational.

 

Maybe you should take a step back - and out - and see a counsellor, because you cannot restrict someone's life, to conform with your ideals.

 

Carl Jung said:

 

"The Past is over; Forgiveness means giving up all Hope of a better Past."

 

You need to move on.

And it won't be a question of forgiving her.

 

you need to forgive yourself: For staying stuck, for not having lived your life to the full, for not having evolved and emerged a better, wiser, more experienced man.

And for frankly, being a bit of a jerk about it all.

 

Get Counselling, because as things stand, your mind is not in the right place, to commit to a relationship with her, with any maturity.

[todreaminblue]

i know limbo unsure of moving forward due to fear not wanting to go backwards stuck in the middle nightmare......you need to let the past go , i know it must be hard for you and thinking of these guys being with your partner would be disheartening ......but if you truyl want it to work, you should look at the fact she is with you now, you were split so she didnt cheat on you, and over those guys she chose to be with you,she came back to you, some guys cant get over a girl sleeping with others while split or having a break and that is their right to feel what they feel, as you have a right to feel disheartened....

 

 

 

its whether you let that feeling rule you or not...is it positive does it make you feel happy ....i think you know the answer is no you are not happy at the moment and you have fear of getting close to her again maybe so that limbo thing is what you are doing to keep your distance........if it is negatively geared, let that go....concentrate on all the positives, maybe seek some therapy a different perspective, if you want it to work and nothing you do makes those feelings fade...i wish you the best...good luck ....deb

[TaraMaiden]

OP I think people is being far to hard on you in the thread....

 

 

You're undoubtedly right.

I was using the 'cold bucket of water' approach.

 

Nevertheless, the tone doesn't alter the fact that what I say, is true.

You've said the same thing, but couched it differently....

 

The resulting message is the same.

 

OP, you know already you're being irrational, unreasonable and unfair.

 

You need a bit of a wake-up call, hun...

 

It's time you grabbed this judgemental prejudice and kicked it to the kerb, or else it will forever hold you back.

 

Say you break with this young lady.

Say you decide to cut loose and move on.

Say you meet a completely new young lady and fall in love with her.

Say you then discover that she's had 6 BFs before you....

How will that make you feel?

[ThreeDaysGrace]

Thanks for the rapid answers. I honestly don't feel like a prick or anything Tara just said but if that is what I seem to be to a foreign eye then that's what I really am, I guess.

 

 

OP, you know already you're being irrational, unreasonable and unfair.

 

 

Yeah, I do.

 

 

Say you break with this young lady.

Say you decide to cut loose and move on.

Say you meet a completely new young lady and fall in love with her.

Say you then discover that she's had 6 BFs before you....

How will that make you feel?

 

It would be the same. It's not the numbers, it's the fact that she went on with ease. I thought I was special. I even said it in the post above, it's not the sex alone, it's the kisses too, the moments she shared with them.

 

I said I want to deal with her past and stay with her, that's all I've ever wanted. But I need help in finding out how to do that.

[TaraMaiden]

Then. OP, I think you need someone qualified to help you get into your own head.

And that entails therapy and counselling.

 

Why do you presume that simply because she managed to move on and live a fuller life than you, that makes is 'cheaper'?

 

Who are you to say she didn't value her relationship with you before, simply because she decided to explore, experiment and actually move forward, instead of remaining stuck.

 

In Limbo?

 

 

This truly is entirely your problem, and not hers.

She is not at fault in this.

 

The relationship was over.

She moved on, evolved, blossomed and grew.

you're the one who didn't take full advantage of the wonderful opportunities life had to offer.

 

You need to see a therapist, because remaining stuck like this is decidedly unhealthy.

 

She's absolutely fine, normal, and happy.

 

It's your behaviour you need to address.

There is no blame to shift here....

[Darren Steez]

wooo boy.

 

Dude, really, grow up. You sound borderline psychopathic. Either you want to be with her or not.

 

She slept with the guys after you broke up. You could have gone out and had fun but you didn't. YOUR CHOICE.

 

She came back to you and is with you now, it just seems you're being vindictive because you were sitting at home while she was having fun..again that was your choice. She's an adult, she can do what the heck she wants..yes it's not easy to hear but if you don't like it then break up with her.

 

But stop beating her over the head with it.

[moomin]

"I know you're in pain, and I know this is important to you, but sadly, all I feel like doing you is shaking you, because to be honest, you're being an arrogant, deluded prick."

 

I quite like the above as it does sum up what I just read nicely and I will tell you why.

 

You had nothing and you was a mess, you had no friends any more and you retreated - basically you never got over her.

 

She did the opposite to try and get over you but it didnt work as right now you are back together. Some would call that a dream come true, some people would swap places with you in a heartbeat and really if you knew this before she came back to you would you have not got back with her anyway?

 

Reality check dude, she may have had some more sex, great for her as thats all it was, sex and yes it may hurt your ego but if you allow yourself to pass this then you have a perfect life in your head again. If you dont well you are going to drive her away and be talking to the bottom of a pint glass about how stupid you have been.

 

Love her again you daft sod and seriously agree together that the time you where not together should never be talked about ever again and stick to it!

[ThreeDaysGrace]

Thanks for the answers. After reading them carefully I realized they're all very useful.

 

I just wanted to say that I don't continuously beat her with my feelings. I talked to her about that only at the beginning of the relationship, when we were BOTH clarifying our behaviors of the past. As of now, keeping all inside was going to kill me and I had no one to talk to. That's why I posted here. I wanted to know HOW to stop thinking about it and take full joy from my new relationship and what to PRACTICALLY do.

 

And I don't hate her intentionally, of course. I want to love her because I do love her, I don't have a choice. I always loved her, from the very first moment I saw her. It's the only one I've ever wanted and will ever want. that's why I'm hurt. If I could control what to feel I wouldn't be in this situation.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for the answers. After reading them carefully I realized they're all very useful.

 

I just wanted to say that I don't continuously beat her with my feelings. I talked to her about that only at the beginning of the relationship, when we were BOTH clarifying our behaviors of the past. As of now, keeping all inside was going to kill me and I had no one to talk to. That's why I posted here. I wanted to know HOW to stop thinking about it and take full joy from my new relationship and what to PRACTICALLY do.

 

And I don't hate her intentionally, of course. I want to love her because I do love her, I don't have a choice. I always loved her, from the very first moment I saw her. It's the only one I've ever wanted and will ever want. that's why I'm hurt. If I could control what to feel I wouldn't be in this situation.

 

 

i know about controlling emotions....thats why they certified me.......the only way i dont send others insane and myself insane is to share what i am feeling to be honest and open and when i feel soemthing that is strong i have to say it and explain it...if you live in your head doubt seeps in to color your judgement......that makes me a kamikaze with what i have to say, what i think or feel, its when i hide what i am truly feeling it makes me unstable......so share your feelings and i really hope it does work out....say what you like on these boards and how you feel because if you cant do it to the ones around you....it does help get some perspective and gets you out of your head, you cop some flak probably ....i did when i first came to this board...but there are genuine people who want to help you on here tara is one....blunt and to the point.....some of us myself need a little straight up approach i cant be dealt with kid gloves, if you dont like something that is said clarify it with the person who said it and tell them how you feel, it works...there are some really clued in thoughtful posters on here.....i can give advice on obsessive thoughts....certified to do that..my posts are probably the hardest to read...so if you dont understand my posts let em know ill try and word it differently maybe use punctuation see if that helps...good luck.......smilin.......deb