Is it hard for relationship oriented people in general

[Woggle]

You see a lot of finger pointing that both genders do towards each other but what it really boils down to is that these days people who want a committed have it rough. This is true for both men and women. People have to sift through the game players, cheaters, misogynists/misandrists and those who think it is fun to lie to and use people. By the time you get done with all of that many people are just jaded and tired of the whole thing. We live in age which is not nurturing at all towards people who want to build a life together. It's not about men vs women or any of that stuff.

[todreaminblue]

You see a lot of finger pointing that both genders do towards each other but what it really boils down to is that these days people who want a committed have it rough. This is true for both men and women. People have to sift through the game players, cheaters, misogynists/misandrists and those who think it is fun to lie to and use people. By the time you get done with all of that many people are just jaded and tired of the whole thing. We live in age which is not nurturing at all towards people who want to build a life together. It's not about men vs women or any of that stuff.

 

 

i think society has been desensitized to comiitted relationships.....sitcoms help that......sitcoms from yesteryear for example....little house on the prairie, the cosbys,now we have sex in the city and those other shows are considered daggy....thats why i claim desensitized, divorce is common place, if it doesnt work out you can always get divorced,players are given pats on the back and called you champ you...so yes i agree woggle.....thankfully there are still people who believe in commitment and responsibility with that love and passion.....scoiety is moving towards disposabel everything....somethings were meant to be kept forever........like commitment in relationships through thick and thin....i know this is considered a daggy view...i dont give a crap ...thats what i believe...i understand people feel differently...doesnt change my view and i think my kids actually respect me for what i do believe in .....they seem to hodl the same views for the most part and the worrisome one...she will come round if i stick to my beliefs....she will see me be happy ......she will seek to have happiness too...instead of allowing herself to be played......its a work in progress....she is too young to date i feel, unfortunately i cannot be with her 24 7...so ill just pray, that she sees that relationships are not disposable....thinkign fo taking my teen girls to the mountains on a farm for about five years.....deb

[RedRobin]

You see a lot of finger pointing that both genders do towards each other but what it really boils down to is that these days people who want a committed have it rough. This is true for both men and women. People have to sift through the game players, cheaters, misogynists/misandrists and those who think it is fun to lie to and use people. By the time you get done with all of that many people are just jaded and tired of the whole thing. We live in age which is not nurturing at all towards people who want to build a life together. It's not about men vs women or any of that stuff.

 

I agree.........

[Joaquin]

When you aren't looking for a relationship (as in committed with an eye to the future) I'd say your basically bullet proof with the opposite sex, they come they go. Who cares.

 

Meeting someone who is on the all important same page at the even more important right time is indeed not easy. Maybe we need to have experience with the not-so-rights to truly appreciate a goody when we have the fortune to meet them. We should have the experience to recognise them, which is half the problem with most people.

[StanMusial]

When you aren't looking for a relationship (as in committed with an eye to the future) I'd say your basically bullet proof with the opposite sex, they come they go. Who cares.

 

Meeting someone who is on the all important same page at the even more important right time is indeed not easy. Maybe we need to have experience with the not-so-rights to truly appreciate a goody when we have the fortune to meet them. We should have the experience to recognise them, which is half the problem with most people.

 

This is a good point. When I was dating in my 20's I always had committed bf/gf relationships but I wasn't so serious as to consider marriage and kids, etc. That didn't happen for me until recently (I'm now 37). Timing is huge.

[iKING]

You see a lot of finger pointing that both genders do towards each other but what it really boils down to is that these days people who want a committed have it rough. This is true for both men and women. People have to sift through the game players, cheaters, misogynists/misandrists and those who think it is fun to lie to and use people. By the time you get done with all of that many people are just jaded and tired of the whole thing. We live in age which is not nurturing at all towards people who want to build a life together. It's not about men vs women or any of that stuff.

 

The truth has been spoken.

 

By the time you're done sifting through the mess, you're half-dead inside and just don't see a point in it anymore. My only advice is to enjoy it while it lasts. Enjoy life while it lasts.

[carhill]

I was just posting in the online dating thread that there's a total of 90 people in my area of any age with dating profiles and 37 are women and 53 are men. After 15-20 years of dealing with that dynamic, in addition to the usual challenges people face in dating and in life, indeed it did create some dead space inside. Life seems long but, IME, flies by. It can end at any moment. Make it count. I don't think relationship-oriented people have the market cornered on 'hard', but time and experience have taught the lesson of knowing when/where it's healthier not to play. Once a decision is accepted, things seem much easier and more positive. So far, that's how it's gone. We'll see.

[mesmerized]

While I agree that it's harder for both men and women relative to the past, I just cannot agree it's the same kind of difficulties or the same amount for both genders.

[MsSmurf]

You see a lot of finger pointing that both genders do towards each other but what it really boils down to is that these days people who want a committed have it rough. This is true for both men and women. People have to sift through the game players, cheaters, misogynists/misandrists and those who think it is fun to lie to and use people. By the time you get done with all of that many people are just jaded and tired of the whole thing. We live in age which is not nurturing at all towards people who want to build a life together. It's not about men vs women or any of that stuff.

 

I completely agree with this. I think the most frustrating part is how our society makes being uncommitted so acceptable yet the people who want to do that can't be bothered to be upfront about it. If there is nothing wrong with what they're doing according to them and society then why hide it when they meet those of us who are commitment seekers and waste our time? Rather than let us commitment seekers move on and find someone like us they'll play games, lie, cheat, and worse all because they don't want to be alone. I think that is flat out selfishness and a lack of consideration for others and when on earth did that become acceptable?!

[candie13]

I don't really agree to this post.

 

It should NOT be about relationships, because one knows that it is easier to be with one person (who ideally wants to be with you) than to be by yourself. Alone. Relationships are comfortable, because you've already met someone who accepts you, accepts your flaws and get the same tolerant treatment back. Being by yourself, meeting new people, means exposing yourself to rejection over and over again.

 

In my opinion, this should NOT BE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, but about what you get from the others and what you give. Some people are fine with offering very little. Other try to take as much as they can. Some use lies in order to reach their goals, but truth is, it is hard to keep up a lie for a long long time.

 

Our biggest enemy is NOT KNOWING and our fears. Or should I say, how we handle this mix. You don't know if you really like the other person, but you keep seeing him/her. Or you leave immediately. it's a CHOICE.

 

I believe that the key to happiness is knowing yourself and allowing the other person to know you. This way you KNOW. If the other person is NOT what you want, you should know soon, this way you leave soon and spare unnecessary heartache - the more time you spend with a person, the more you'll get attached. And viceversa.

 

Unfortunately, this is a time consuming process, so you would better enjoy it, because that's all you've got. You choose whom you're spending your time with. Whom you're seeing. And no one owes anyone anything, for making that choice. As long as we are TRUE to OURSELVES and not lying to our partner.

 

And I don't agree with iKing either . If you meet a person, they make you happy and you make them happy, of course you should take it day by day, but you will need to think about a potential future together. Kids are expensive. Education is expensive. So is a bigger car. No matter how much you take it easy, at some point, an honest discussion about "feelings" and "future" is necessary - again, that part where you decide just how much of yourself you are willing to give, how much room you're willing to make to your partner in your life.

 

Cannot live unattached forever, unless this is EXACTLY what you want. If you want to live unattached, you are not giving that much to the other person. And they are not giving that much back to you. I am not saying it is wrong, I am saying that it is a CHOICE. As long as both partners are aware of it, I am sure a lot of people can be happy by living by this choice / rule.

 

I don't think it's about relationships. It's about letting your guard down, wanting to give and receive more than the norm. People are different, I totally understand how one would not be ready for that, if they had recently poor emotional experiences.

[Woggle]

I completely agree with this. I think the most frustrating part is how our society makes being uncommitted so acceptable yet the people who want to do that can't be bothered to be upfront about it. If there is nothing wrong with what they're doing according to them and society then why hide it when they meet those of us who are commitment seekers and waste our time? Rather than let us commitment seekers move on and find someone like us they'll play games, lie, cheat, and worse all because they don't want to be alone. I think that is flat out selfishness and a lack of consideration for others and when on earth did that become acceptable?!

 

I agree. I have all the respect in the world for those who decide commitment is not for them and are honest about. What I don't like are those who get involved in relationships and have no thought about how their cheating affects the other person.

[candie13]

I don't think people premeditate that to waste other people's life or time. I believe that they don't really know if their partner is the right one, and then when somebody else comes along, "better" or more compatible, they leave. Such is life. No guarantees. It can happen to everyone.

 

To me, the trick is to know yourself and know THEM as well. It is your responsibility, for it's your relationship. Not "taking their word for it". People grow, evolve, change. maybe not how you like it, but you should be aware of the new direction... I rarely rarely see really bad people, willing to "trick" other into long relationships. They must like it, if they are seeing their partner for a long time. They cannot be constantly lying.

 

Again, know yourself, know your partner and do the math.

 

my 2 cents, anyway

[iKING]

I don't really agree to this post.

 

It should NOT be about relationships, because one knows that it is easier to be with one person (who ideally wants to be with you) than to be by yourself. Alone. Relationships are comfortable, because you've already met someone who accepts you, accepts your flaws and get the same tolerant treatment back. Being by yourself, meeting new people, means exposing yourself to rejection over and over again.

 

In my opinion, this should NOT BE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, but about what you get from the others and what you give. Some people are fine with offering very little. Other try to take as much as they can. Some use lies in order to reach their goals, but truth is, it is hard to keep up a lie for a long long time.

 

Our biggest enemy is NOT KNOWING and our fears. Or should I say, how we handle this mix. You don't know if you really like the other person, but you keep seeing him/her. Or you leave immediately. it's a CHOICE.

 

I believe that the key to happiness is knowing yourself and allowing the other person to know you. This way you KNOW. If the other person is NOT what you want, you should know soon, this way you leave soon and spare unnecessary heartache - the more time you spend with a person, the more you'll get attached. And viceversa.

 

Unfortunately, this is a time consuming process, so you would better enjoy it, because that's all you've got. You choose whom you're spending your time with. Whom you're seeing. And no one owes anyone anything, for making that choice. As long as we are TRUE to OURSELVES and not lying to our partner.

 

And I don't agree with iKing either . If you meet a person, they make you happy and you make them happy, of course you should take it day by day, but you will need to think about a potential future together. Kids are expensive. Education is expensive. So is a bigger car. No matter how much you take it easy, at some point, an honest discussion about "feelings" and "future" is necessary - again, that part where you decide just how much of yourself you are willing to give, how much room you're willing to make to your partner in your life.

 

Cannot live unattached forever, unless this is EXACTLY what you want. If you want to live unattached, you are not giving that much to the other person. And they are not giving that much back to you. I am not saying it is wrong, I am saying that it is a CHOICE. As long as both partners are aware of it, I am sure a lot of people can be happy by living by this choice / rule.

 

I don't think it's about relationships. It's about letting your guard down, wanting to give and receive more than the norm. People are different, I totally understand how one would not be ready for that, if they had recently poor emotional experiences.

 

Haha! Finally, someone calls me out on my easy-going attitude. Well played.

 

All I'm saying is, if you're gonna talk the talk, you better back it up with some walking. I have no issues letting anyone in, but when it comes to serious matters, serious commitment (marriage, kids.) there's going to have to be more then a word to go by, which essentially comes from the history of the relationship itself. It takes time to build a foundation in which to properly foster a life-long commitment. Which doesn't seem to be taking place much these days. At least from what I've seen.

[candie13]

Of course it's a matter of time !!! Effort too! In addition to that, what's good today may not be good tomorrow. I am under no way or form someone who sustains the "marriage" or "relationships" concept. They are hard. I personally find being with another person hard, it brings out all sort of things one didn't deal with, fears, frustrations, expectations... Hard!

 

To me, a relationship is like a circle. You can decide if you step in or if you stay out, but once you're in... The ride starts. The dynamics of that relationship. The give and take game. The patience and willingness to compromise.

 

I believe those who immediately want a relationship / marriage do so, because they want / need a prove that they are being loved unconditionally. Can't ask that from a person, that has to offered, that has to come from the other person. One shouldn't ask for that thing. They can ask how the other person feels. Understand their partner level of involvement - emotional, spiritual, etc. Asking someone to make "the big jump" says a lot about their own fears (of abandonment, of rejection, of self esteem). Maybe they are afraid. Maybe they sense that their partner isn't ready. Maybe they subconsciously want to sabotage that relationship... You never know. I think bring true to yourself and to your partner is the answer. If you're with the right person, you learn to wait, because it's worth it. And in the end, being with that person is what should bring you happiness.

 

My only caveat to that is age. No matter how much I love someone, if they don't want a family or kids in the near future and I am 35... Can't feel like waiting 3 more years, because I may not be able to have children. I do hope to have children very much, one day.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'd rather have society with free will on who to enter relationships with and when, than a society who perpetuates committed relationships just because that's what one person is looking for and in order to get the nooky you better put a ring on it.

 

I think we're in a revolutionary time in history, a time where culture, tradition, and essentially family values do not rule the day over real and genuine emotions, chemistry and the actual desire to be committed to that "one person" for the rest of your lives.

 

People grow up stupid, let's be realistic...how much does a teenager know about love? how much does someone in their early 20's understand about a life long commitment and compatibility? IMO it's not even until your 30's or late 20's where you really start figuring out what you really want, and what kind of person is right for you.

 

If society was different, like in other parts of the world...I'm sure I'd have married my highschool sweetheart and therefore we'd likely be making both of ourselves miserable...we didn't know anything then, and the fact that we birthed children together and married doesn't mean it was true love, and just because we stayed together somehow through 30 years doesn't mean we found "the one".

 

I see so many people make these judgments and analysis of people's relationships from the outside, without even ever having talked in depth about how these people feel or what they've been through. But some people naively think well "you just make it through....everything....if you really love the person" but what is one person doesn't really love the person on that level, what if that has something to do with the "ups and downs" of a relationship.

 

I see people in many relationships because they're trying to "do what is right"...be a good father/mother, because of what their families and friends would think or judge. Everybody wants to pretend that everything is all peachy on the outside sometimes, or maybe it's just easier to deal with it that way so nobody questions your relationship and then puts your relationship on a pedestal because they don't know two sh111ts about what really goes on, or what the real emotions are behind that.

 

Like I say, people are so naive to take things at face value....it takes so little to convince people, they hardly dig deeper into the substance, psychology or emotional aspect of things...they want it black or white, this is good or bad,...this is true love or not...yet there's always a chance for it to be "true".

 

At some point....like all things in this world, the dynamic and culture will change or adjust (unless you're from the middle east), the society will make it's changes it sees fit for the "greater good of mankind" and I'm sure someone will impose martial law among the people to make them have more "fulfilling relationships" that fit the status quo and someone else delusional perspective on a perfect society.

 

People right now don't know up and down, they don't know they want or don't want because they haven't had time to figure it out...nobody is telling you what to do anymore, nobody is saying you can't get divorced and actually be happy instead of living the rest of your life out in a numbed, cold and distanced relationship that's resolved to a level of friendship if anything, than "true love".

 

I'm a rarity of a human being, I think people should choose what they want, based on how they feel and what is actually real...regardless of how it looks and what it comes out to be, because that is "real", that is your free will. Not because they're afraid to be alone, or they don't know if they'll find somebody else, or they're just trying to do the right thing, or they're just tired of looking...are those the people you want me to feel sorry for? the people who settle and complain about it. That's your own damn choice, be an adult, and by bob that's the choice you can make for yourself by all means...that's your future, your romantic life...and like all things I think instead of bickering, people need to figure out how to get what they want.

 

This is survival of the fittest people not wish on a star, this is not cry about it until someone shows up at your door out of pity and hands it right to you...because you deserve it...or you're a good person, that can be said for billions of other people who are all perched on their front porch waiting for that person.

 

If you want a relationship...here's something crazy, actually do some work on yourself, it just might have something to do with you! isn't that crazy? isn't it crazy that you might be attracted to the wrong people who are emotionally available and have similar issues even though you think of yourself as a "relationship person"? another delusional remark made by a delusional people. I can't tell you how many bat sh111t crazy people I've seen call themselves "relationship people" even though they've have a relationship with just about every other damn person in town...oh wow, I guess because you don't know how to have anything else but a relationship, that clearly makes you better....or maybe you're just too scared and need someone in a relationship just for the added security and comfort, maybe you can't trust people without some kind of commitment...maybe that's why you're a relationship person, not because you actually like relationships!

 

Everybody projects their issues outward though...that person is wrong, mr or mrs right never comes along....has it ever occurred to you that you may in fact be crazy?

[candie13]

We're all responsible for the level of our own emotional and spiritual evolution . We need to experience to know. Teenagers may not know much about love, but they need to try it to know.

 

My point: you need, you have to make mistakes in order to grow. Can one person make another person happy for the rest of their life ? I have no idea. It takes a lot of love, compatibility, willingness to compromise, patience ... Altruism... But if what you get in return makes you filled with joy, makes you happy, if you feel that you get more than what you give, then the answer is yes.

 

Don't people these days want to have it easy? For sure! I am staying away from generalizations, I don't know about society & stuff. I know me, I know my friends. Happiness is a sweaty job, but so immensely rewarding . I am positive

[candie13]

Oh, and of course no person can fully satisfy all our needs, we are complex creatures living in a very complex society. So the others will only tick some of the boxes. Ideally, the right ones, so that, at the end, you'd much rather be with them than with anyone else / or by yourself.

[todreaminblue]

I'd rather have society with free will on who to enter relationships with and when, than a society who perpetuates committed relationships just because that's what one person is looking for and in order to get the nooky you better put a ring on it.

 

I think we're in a revolutionary time in history, a time where culture, tradition, and essentially family values do not rule the day over real and genuine emotions, chemistry and the actual desire to be committed to that "one person" for the rest of your lives.

 

People grow up stupid, let's be realistic...how much does a teenager know about love? how much does someone in their early 20's understand about a life long commitment and compatibility? IMO it's not even until your 30's or late 20's where you really start figuring out what you really want, and what kind of person is right for you.

 

If society was different, like in other parts of the world...I'm sure I'd have married my highschool sweetheart and therefore we'd likely be making both of ourselves miserable...we didn't know anything then, and the fact that we birthed children together and married doesn't mean it was true love, and just because we stayed together somehow through 30 years doesn't mean we found "the one".

 

I see so many people make these judgments and analysis of people's relationships from the outside, without even ever having talked in depth about how these people feel or what they've been through. But some people naively think well "you just make it through....everything....if you really love the person" but what is one person doesn't really love the person on that level, what if that has something to do with the "ups and downs" of a relationship.

 

I see people in many relationships because they're trying to "do what is right"...be a good father/mother, because of what their families and friends would think or judge. Everybody wants to pretend that everything is all peachy on the outside sometimes, or maybe it's just easier to deal with it that way so nobody questions your relationship and then puts your relationship on a pedestal because they don't know two sh111ts about what really goes on, or what the real emotions are behind that.

 

Like I say, people are so naive to take things at face value....it takes so little to convince people, they hardly dig deeper into the substance, psychology or emotional aspect of things...they want it black or white, this is good or bad,...this is true love or not...yet there's always a chance for it to be "true".

 

At some point....like all things in this world, the dynamic and culture will change or adjust (unless you're from the middle east), the society will make it's changes it sees fit for the "greater good of mankind" and I'm sure someone will impose martial law among the people to make them have more "fulfilling relationships" that fit the status quo and someone else delusional perspective on a perfect society.

 

People right now don't know up and down, they don't know they want or don't want because they haven't had time to figure it out...nobody is telling you what to do anymore, nobody is saying you can't get divorced and actually be happy instead of living the rest of your life out in a numbed, cold and distanced relationship that's resolved to a level of friendship if anything, than "true love".

 

I'm a rarity of a human being, I think people should choose what they want, based on how they feel and what is actually real...regardless of how it looks and what it comes out to be, because that is "real", that is your free will. Not because they're afraid to be alone, or they don't know if they'll find somebody else, or they're just trying to do the right thing, or they're just tired of looking...are those the people you want me to feel sorry for? the people who settle and complain about it. That's your own damn choice, be an adult, and by bob that's the choice you can make for yourself by all means...that's your future, your romantic life...and like all things I think instead of bickering, people need to figure out how to get what they want.

 

This is survival of the fittest people not wish on a star, this is not cry about it until someone shows up at your door out of pity and hands it right to you...because you deserve it...or you're a good person, that can be said for billions of other people who are all perched on their front porch waiting for that person.

 

If you want a relationship...here's something crazy, actually do some work on yourself, it just might have something to do with you! isn't that crazy? isn't it crazy that you might be attracted to the wrong people who are emotionally available and have similar issues even though you think of yourself as a "relationship person"? another delusional remark made by a delusional people. I can't tell you how many bat sh111t crazy people I've seen call themselves "relationship people" even though they've have a relationship with just about every other damn person in town...oh wow, I guess because you don't know how to have anything else but a relationship, that clearly makes you better....or maybe you're just too scared and need someone in a relationship just for the added security and comfort, maybe you can't trust people without some kind of commitment...maybe that's why you're a relationship person, not because you actually like relationships!

 

Everybody projects their issues outward though...that person is wrong, mr or mrs right never comes along....has it ever occurred to you that you may in fact be crazy?

 

 

i knew in my teens what commitment was i knew when i was five what commitment, reliability and working has its rewards meant.....i also found out what a twisted relationship was at five years of age.......i also loved watchign heckle and jeckle cartoons and batman.........and if i did my chores i could watch them if i did my homework i had a shiny gold star you reap what you sow.....i stuffed up in my teen years......not because i didnt know what commitment was......but because my parents decided that they were no longer committed to me...losing commitment for anything or anyone that is important to you in my opinion is a mistake...mr right shouldnt go out with mrs wrong in the first place.....people know their own hearts...anything with denying this is just as an excuse....if you dont have the same ideals or values.......and if you dont have the same level of commitment.you know it very early on..you dont just ruin one life, you skew another..a ripple effect that is carried to others.....life is hard commitment isnt easy and you have days where you dont know what you are doing and why you are doing it.....and i am certified crazy still..so me getting a little ocd .....they say pop some pills.......i know what commitment means and i take my time getting into relationships i dont take any thing or anyone forgranted and if i do i know that i have then i seek to fix it......is there a pill for that....because i see that as good...must be crazy, certify me again....ill add it to the paperwork...deb

[todreaminblue]

We're all responsible for the level of our own emotional and spiritual evolution . We need to experience to know. Teenagers may not know much about love, but they need to try it to know.

 

My point: you need, you have to make mistakes in order to grow. Can one person make another person happy for the rest of their life ? I have no idea. It takes a lot of love, compatibility, willingness to compromise, patience ... Altruism... But if what you get in return makes you filled with joy, makes you happy, if you feel that you get more than what you give, then the answer is yes.

 

Don't people these days want to have it easy? For sure! I am staying away from generalizations, I don't know about society & stuff. I know me, I know my friends. Happiness is a sweaty job, but so immensely rewarding . I am positive

 

 

lovely post...hugs....deb

[Revolver]

Theyre are tons of single people who want to be in relationships right now(even young people who everyone says just want to have sex). Heck i see this in college all the time. The problem is people just don't want them for different reasons.

 

Those who are generally most desired for relationships are either in one already, or playing the field and exploiting Their position. This is especially true for men in this scenario

[Lonely Ronin]

Another thing to consider, is that sometimes people just aren't compatible for one reason or another. I've been on a handful of dates with a relationship minded woman this year, and she hasn't returned my last call, and I'm kind of hoping she doesn't at this point. While we look great together on paper, we have no spark.

[todreaminblue]

Another thing to consider, is that sometimes people just aren't compatible for one reason or another. I've been on a handful of dates with a relationship minded woman this year, and she hasn't returned my last call, and I'm kind of hoping she doesn't at this point. While we look great together on paper, we have no spark.

 

 

there has to be spark ......you are right....deb