Letter to my first love

[shadow15]

Dear, (ex-s name)

 

This is my letter to you to not be sent, but for me to write everything down on what i wish i could say to you. Its not my place anymore to care, and i don’t , but i have to get these words off my chest and im writing this to you because you need to hear it. You WERE the greatest thing that happened to me during that part of my life. I was alone, childish, still learning everything about life. We was perfect for each other, had same morals, believed in same ideas, and we grew on that. Not only we was boyfriend and girlfriend, first loves, but we became the best of friends, and i felt as if we knew each other our whole life. However, first love only lasts so long, and ours ended sooner that what i would have thought. And here is my side of the story. These are the words i should have said to you before we broke up, hope your ready for that bad guy attitude you always wanted from me. Im no longer the nice guy.

 

I tried to be the best for you, i put you before a lot of stuff cause thats what i thought a good boyfriend was suppose to do. I will admit i got soft at the end because it was always me trying to please you and never the other way around. It was always me, me, and me trying, never you. I knew this was bad, but i went along with it anyways, cause i knew the stress you was under with school, cheerleading, and everything but that was no excuse to the way you treated me. Im suppose to be first most of the time, not second best. I guess i was the one chasing you, and you got tired of that cause i never let you chase me. These was some of my faults, but other than that, everything about our relationship was a pathetic excuse for your ego. Now hear my out, i say this not because your a stubborn narcissist b**** who thinks she does no wrong, but you had the perfect boyfriend. He did no wrong, he did not cheat, chase other girls, always open a door or car door for you, he worked and went to school and only wished to talk to you on the phone at night and spend time with you, he was there for you through thick and then, he is a gentleman who truly fell in love you as a person.

 

What you did to me was low and pathetic, you lead me on and played me, you didn't communicate with me at all. Heck even your friends told me you didn't really communicate with them about it, it was just spur of the moment and all of a sudden. You just told me you don't know, but i want you, but also want the college experience. Yea if you wanted me, why didn't you show it? Yea some of this is my fault, i should have argued with you and let out what i really felt. We should have fought and hell who knows, we could still be dating now and fooling around like you apparently are with every guy in (city.) Yea you don't think people talk, its ridiculous the kind of stuff i heard about you. The type of girl who with me use to talk bad about all these college girls you went to school with only caring about drinking and getting with guys, but now you one of them? The type of girl who frickin cried when me and you was getting so busy that we almost had sex. YOU was perfect when you was getting everything, but when its time for me to receive something you freak out. How fair is that? But being the good boyfriend i was, I'm comforted you, and said when it happens it will happen, even though i was dying on the inside. After 2 years, i should have received more love from you than what i did. Yes i said love, not sex, not fooling around, but love; theres a difference and i know what that difference is, because i been with more than one girl, which i lied to you about it. Actually been with six before you, so i know what casual sex and fooling around was, but what i felt with you was love, because i didn't care if i didn't get anything, being with you made it worth it. But how much of a hypocrite can you be? Now i understand people change, and want to experience different stuff, but come on thats just immature and a complete 360 to what you use to stand for. What happened to your morals? What happened to you wanting to be that role model for your sisters? What happened to you, and don't say you grew up? Thats not grown up, that you living your fantasy world of your fake friends and the fake idea that tv has portrayed of college. If wanting to go to a mediocre bar in a pathetic town is your idea of fun, then I'm so glad we are done.

 

You was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, plus you was controlling; like i said i didn't let you do that before, but i don't know what happened to me, i guess i let you take control, which was stupid. After being broke up for 5 months, i have realized a lot.

 

your not as attractive as i thought.

 

the fact hat you was taking pictures and smiling the last day we saw each other truly shown me you didn't care. it didn't hurt you.

 

the fact you broke up with me the day after our 2 year anniversary and you didn't even wanna try to spend it with me or even talk.

 

the concept that i begged you to come over my house more, and its sad that after 2 years, you may have been over my house a total of 20 some times, i mean come on.

 

and heres the kicker, not once did you ask me to stay in your apartment or when i suggested it you just brushed it off. However its perfectly fine for random guys to stay with you, and snapchat pics of them to your friends.

 

the idea that you was embarrassed of saying i love you to me in front of your friends, embarrassed of the way i acted around them even though i was just being myself and they enjoyed it, embarrassed to hold my hand, i honestly thought you was ashamed of me. Sorry but i don't put a fake face on for anyone.

 

the fact that you never, ever bragged about us to your friends, but these new douche of guys who only want you for sex, apparently get talked about all the time with your friends? I know we both agreed that we wanted to keep stuff private between us, but theres a line there.

 

I put up with a lot of your crap, i actually wanted to break up with you about this time last year, but i figured i would take the abuse and see where it went,(remember i even called you out and asked you are you still interested in me and you got all crybaby about it) but it got better when school ended cause we talked about it and worked it out, but then school came back and well we was fine until you got that damn apartment. There your freedom was truly opened up.

 

You don't realize what you put me through, i was alone when you left me. You don't wanna how many times i put in number in and almost txted you, hell sometimes i did. The idea of not seeing a point to live anymore even crossed my mind, hell my family was worried about me thinking i couldn't get through this, and honestly i didn't think i could either but i finally let you go, i let you die the last time we talked cause you are dead to me. The old you is dead, the girl i fell in love with is gone forever. And this is where i started to build a new me. Im now ok with being alone, I'm fantastic in my own shoes, unlike you who has to fake it to fit in with who she is around, i have grown up and i know what i want in life and I'm going for it; every day i get closer to my goal. But i guess thats what different between me and you, i want success and fun for the future, not the concept of just fun now.

 

Theres many things i wish i could redo, cause i honestly think i could have fixed it if you helped, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I for one wouldn't want to, because now you seem to be the girl that i would look at a bar and just wanna fool around with for the night, and nothing else. I think its funny, you always said you was disgusted on how your cousins did that stuff and was an embarrassment to your family, look what your doing? You may not make it as public as they did, but still same concept don't pretend to hide it, admit it your becoming one of them and to me thats just trashy. Also i honestly do believe you didnt fall out of love with me, maybe you didn't even love me, you just wanted to experience different things with your friends, which i do completely understand, but we could have talked about it and we could have tried to do it together. We have became strangers with memories and unlike you im still working on a better me, but obviously you just became a sl**.

 

 

 

sorry about the long post, i just found out some stuff tonight and it made me wanna vent. It kills me how i was the good guy and ended up getting treated like crap. IF i took charge who knows, maybe a lot of the break up was both our fault, maybe i got too comfortable and just assumed she would always be there. Love sucks. What does everyone else think, btw im not going send this as much as i would love too. Not as a past boyfriend, but as a person who use to care about her.

Edited February 24, 2013 by shadow15

[Sososad]

Interesting read its written very well ..

Did it help to put it all out in front of you.

Seems like alot if anger there still (to be expected)

Sounds like its her loss too..

Well done on the self rebuilding !

[richard9]

great post!! i can really relate to a lot of what you wrote, my ex was like that, she used to say she would never change to be like all those girls who model themselves on TV and seek attention / drama all the time. i asked her why wouldnt she? she said because she loved me. where is she now? dressing like a slut trying to get "facebook famous".

 

i too was (am) alone, and trying to build myself up still. it will come. as you say at least we have worked through our heartache and are becoming stronger, least we did actually love in the first place. my ex was out having fun with her friends the day after we split, it meant nothing. but in time they will realise what they lost, and guess what hopefully we will have both met someone who will not take advantage of us.

 

just my thoughts:)

[shadow15]

Interesting read its written very well ..

Did it help to put it all out in front of you.

Seems like alot if anger there still (to be expected)

Sounds like its her loss too..

Well done on the self rebuilding !

 

Thank you i appreciate that. It actually did help, it allowed me to write out my feelings, and actually see that our relationship was not as good as i thought it was. I was actually doing very well, really starting to get over her and i still believe im on that course, and the best thing i did was assume the worse without knowing, but once you find out it still strikes you in the heart and makes you feel why wasn't i shown the same respect. I honestly felt disrespected, i still do.

 

great post!! i can really relate to a lot of what you wrote, my ex was like that, she used to say she would never change to be like all those girls who model themselves on TV and seek attention / drama all the time. i asked her why wouldnt she? she said because she loved me. where is she now? dressing like a slut trying to get "facebook famous".

 

i too was (am) alone, and trying to build myself up still. it will come. as you say at least we have worked through our heartache and are becoming stronger, least we did actually love in the first place. my ex was out having fun with her friends the day after we split, it meant nothing. but in time they will realise what they lost, and guess what hopefully we will have both met someone who will not take advantage of us.

 

just my thoughts:)

 

People keep on telling me she will realize what she lost, and i just keep on thinking, when? What hurts me the most is why she wanted to be the goody good girl with me, told me all these promises, but now has no self control. I know im better off without her, but the idea of someone i knew changing that dramatically is just crazy.

[richard9]

People keep on telling me she will realize what she lost, and i just keep on thinking, when?

 

to be honest maybe never, once they get caught up in living for the moment, it can be one entertainment to the next. they will never appreciate a loving partner, sometimes preferring one that treats them like total crap just because it keeps them entertained. i like to think in their sober moments that they look back and regret losing someone who would do anything for them and stand by them, and that they lost someone who loved them with all of their hearts. but i dont know, i just hope they do regret it, although i think i only hope that so they come running back into our arms, the person they used to be who we loved. the sad thing is they will never really know how much we loved them because they are stronger (?) and will never allow themselves to get that deeply attatched, but then they will never know what we felt when we were in love with them, and i think even though it hurts i would never give that up.

 

What hurts me the most is why she wanted to be the goody good girl with me, told me all these promises, but now has no self control. I know im better off without her, but the idea of someone i knew changing that dramatically is just crazy.

 

it only took an exciting new set of friends for her to lose interest in me, she did the same, she made promises that she loved me and would never leave me. i feel sad for her that her life is going to be going from one guy to the next, not one of them caring for her a bit as much as i did. i can only say take heart in the fact that there was nothing you could do, we did everything for them but in the end it simply wasnt enough, and wasnt what they wanted. from one heartbroken guy to another, good luck and stay strong

[shadow15]

it only took an exciting new set of friends for her to lose interest in me, she did the same, she made promises that she loved me and would never leave me. i feel sad for her that her life is going to be going from one guy to the next, not one of them caring for her a bit as much as i did. i can only say take heart in the fact that there was nothing you could do, we did everything for them but in the end it simply wasnt enough, and wasnt what they wanted. from one heartbroken guy to another, good luck and stay strong

 

 

You are right, right when she got an apartment and hanging out with girls that she normally doesnt hang with is when she changed. It makes me feel like my life isnt interesting, i cant help that unlike her she gets everything for college paid for and doesnt have to work and can do whatever the hell she wants. I on the other hand, drive 45min to class every day, then back home 45 mins to go to work, then come home to do whatever homework i need and then the same thing happened every day. I cant help that, this is just a rough patch in my life as well, i knew it was routine, but it would only last so long.

 

I can honestly say though at least im the one being an adult, i may be 21 going to a community college and living at home, but my ass isn't in debt at all and i got my priorities straight. Plus the only thing my folks give me is a place to stay, i dont ask them for anything. Luckily this will be my last semester at home, due to i will be getting my associates in science, and transferring on to get my bachelors at an university, and i just want a change of scenery, i want a fresh start. Guess im just different and matured a little too fast, seeing as how i see the world at a different angle. I see it about how it is truly, now how i want it to be. Funny thing is i use to go to a university, but i came home to the community college to save money and to be closer to her.

Edited February 25, 2013 by shadow15

[richard9]

indeed, i switched jobs to be near her and spend time with her, all my holidays from work i used to be with her, looks like we both made sacrifices.

 

i myself am going back to education soon and i see it as a new start, it will be hard until then to forget about her and ignore any texts she sends me, but i know if i can make it until then it will be a fresh start, and i will be a stronger person. sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders am sure university will be a fresh start for you aswell, onwards and upwards!!

 

p.s. dont feel like your life isnt interesting, especially dont measure how interesting your life is on what fun-loving, attention-seeking, self-serving, neo-jerseyshore, girls / guys are doing these days. we are good guys with a heart, who think about others, dont let that go! im not, even though im suffering because of it. i like me and i like who i am, im not going to change to be like TV says i should be, i'm not weak. :-) just some side thoughts, sorry if i sidetracked a little lol

Edited February 25, 2013 by richard9