Day 8

[Thunderchild]

Well, here I am at 5:00 am (local time) on Day 8 of NC.

 

Quite a sound night's sleep (thank God) but only 5 1/2 hours. I'm still tired, so I'll probably head back to bed for a few more zzz's. Still can't get my mind to settle - keep thinking of her (that she cheated on me and fell pregnant to this other bloke - what did God invent condoms for??). Mood feels reasonably OK - no tears or blackness. I think I've moved on from that excruciating kinda hurt, but won't be holding my breath any time soon.

 

Had a quick run around the 'Breaks & Breaking Up' threads - there really are some poor, desperate souls out there. It's quite heartbreaking to read some of them. Which, I suppose, is good for me (not that real people with real emotions are hurting [in some cases quite badly] out there) in that I am not so fixated on my own issues that I can't empathise with others.

 

Another Sunday awaits - luckily, I have plenty to work on with my fifth novel - just, unfortunate I am not really able to focus on the creative bit, but I'll persevere. If I write only one sentence today, it'll be one sentence more than I did yesterday!

 

Still have no urge to contact ex, but still think about her. Am still bloody-minded and stubborn about it. She will d*mned well contact me before I speak to her. Maybe one day I'll just get to the stage of saying - "I don't give a monkeys if you contact me or not"

 

Strangely, my thinking towards her is becoming more and more negative. To quote from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar: "the evil that men do lives on after them, the good is oft interred with their bones'. Hopefully, I'll get to a stage of being neutral when I think about her. The head still says "what a B" but the heart is still in chains.

 

Live Long and Prosper

[cavalier99]

Yo Thunderchild. Can i get some of your fortitude...or some of what your smoking. Lol. You seem better than I'm doing and I'm almost 5 months NC. I'm working hard on letting things go but it isn't easy.

 

I'm a hell of a lot better than early on but still have some letting go to do. At least the searing pain is gone. When i was at your point in the BU i was a crying quivering mess, losing weight, world ending type deal. Thank G*d those days are gone.

 

Keep doin what your doing! Rock on! Cav

 

Are you very spiritual? Just wondering how your dealing so well.

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

Wow ur doing pretty well considering ur 8 days nc.

 

Cav how u holding up? I haven't heard from u. Just checking to see ur progress

[Thunderchild]

Cav - Keep fighting the good fight!! Many thanks. I suspect I've had far many more painful traumas than this current break up in my past. I wouldn't say that I was desensitised to the emotional pain. I suspect I'm just far more adjusted to the hurt and able to accommodate it.

 

Many years ago, I lost my 7 day old son. He had some strange genetic abnormality that kept filling his lungs with fluid. The hospital staff fitted a drain, but he just kept filling up again, until, eventually his little heart gave out. That really was the worst moment of my life. I have never known such pain. I actually bellowed like an animal when he passed away. An animal in pain cries out because it is the only way it knows of how to express the hurt. The incident also led to a bout of depression in later life which gavwe me counselling and many coping mechanisms.

 

There has been pain from this breakup - I won't deny it - and there have been tears. But, compared to the pain of losing Billy, it's a tiny scratch.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Thunderchild

[cavalier99]

Wow ur doing pretty well considering ur 8 days nc.

 

Cav how u holding up? I haven't heard from u. Just checking to see ur progress

 

Yo bro! Good to see you here. Its been a bit. Ive had a crappy couple of weeks. Felt like i was regressing for a bit. Getting angry again about how thing ended ..how i lost myself respect during BU ecetera. The last couple days have been better. I guess I'm ok. Just weird. I thought i was further along. Maybe i am. Difficult to assess where i am to tell the truth.

 

I might be confusing some thing that are rough right now in my life with the BU. I pretty sure this is what is going on. Anyway ill persevere! How are you?

[cavalier99]

Cav - Keep fighting the good fight!! Many thanks. I suspect I've had far many more painful traumas than this current break up in my past. I wouldn't say that I was desensitised to the emotional pain. I suspect I'm just far more adjusted to the hurt and able to accommodate it.

 

Many years ago, I lost my 7 day old son. He had some strange genetic abnormality that kept filling his lungs with fluid. The hospital staff fitted a drain, but he just kept filling up again, until, eventually his little heart gave out. That really was the worst moment of my life. I have never known such pain. I actually bellowed like an animal when he passed away. An animal in pain cries out because it is the only way it knows of how to express the hurt. The incident also led to a bout of depression in later life which gavwe me counselling and many coping mechanisms.

 

There has been pain from this breakup - I won't deny it - and there have been tears. But, compared to the pain of losing Billy, it's a tiny scratch.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Ive heard that losing a child is the worse pain anyone can ever feel.

 

Well seems like you know how to be grateful for what you have in your life and that you have a very good perspective on this. You are right. The world is not going to end over a simple BU.

 

I am still hurting at times but know this will pass and that it is more my bruised ego that is causing me problems more than the loss of my 8 year RS. I working on getting rid of fear and ego. This is what i think holds a lot of us back.

[Thunderchild]

Cav - Many thanks. Will you stop with the "it's only a bruised ego" BS already!!!

 

You have been hurt - you need to grieve/mourn and recover. You are a living, breathing emotionally sensitive human being not some emotionless, unfeeling sub-human species of 'unter-menschen'!!!

 

Boy, you've done it now - I'm really ready to go off on one!!

 

I saw an article in an online newspaper a few days ago where a so-called therapist was blathering on about reconciliation after a wife/grilfriend had been cheating and having a child by the lover. She mentioned something about the reconciling man having to 'man up' to allow bio-dad to visit the offspring - which was bad enough. She then went on to say "Men should not allow their male pride and a bruised egos to get in the way of love"

 

Man, I really threw the toys out of the pram!! My reply really went to town on her.

 

And, I will say exactly the same to to you Cav. Even though you were born male, you still actually do have human feelings and emotions. You have your pride, self-respect, self-esteem and when they are dented or bruised the feelings can be physically painful. After all, when was the last time you heards someone say to a woman to 'woman up' after a breakup. Put a thread up telling the women on here to 'not allow their female pride and bruised ego' etc. You'll hear the howl of outrage and indignation (and rightly so) half a planet away!!

 

What you feel is real, it is valid and it is nothing to be ashamed of!!

 

<steps down from soap box>

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

Cav - Keep fighting the good fight!! Many thanks. I suspect I've had far many more painful traumas than this current break up in my past. I wouldn't say that I was desensitised to the emotional pain. I suspect I'm just far more adjusted to the hurt and able to accommodate it.

 

Many years ago, I lost my 7 day old son. He had some strange genetic abnormality that kept filling his lungs with fluid. The hospital staff fitted a drain, but he just kept filling up again, until, eventually his little heart gave out. That really was the worst moment of my life. I have never known such pain. I actually bellowed like an animal when he passed away. An animal in pain cries out because it is the only way it knows of how to express the hurt. The incident also led to a bout of depression in later life which gavwe me counselling and many coping mechanisms.

 

There has been pain from this breakup - I won't deny it - and there have been tears. But, compared to the pain of losing Billy, it's a tiny scratch.

 

Thunder, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I can't even begin to imagine what that pain would be like. We are the sum of our experiences and after something like that I'd imagine every type of hurt would pale in comparison to that. Seems like you have a good head on your shoulder and are able to put a lot of things into perspective which is awesome.

[Thunderchild]

ItxWillxGetxBetter - Many thanks. It isn't easy, and the downside is that I am often over-senstive to other things. There's a page on Facebook called The Ralph site which does memorials to dead pets. I can't actually read a tribute to a pet without starting to cry - I'm welling up even thnking about it.

 

And, I am one of those people who could kill some of those excuses for human beings that hurt animals before before I could harm a dog.

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

Yo bro! Good to see you here. Its been a bit. Ive had a crappy couple of weeks. Felt like i was regressing for a bit. Getting angry again about how thing ended ..how i lost myself respect during BU ecetera. The last couple days have been better. I guess I'm ok. Just weird. I thought i was further along. Maybe i am. Difficult to assess where i am to tell the truth.

 

I might be confusing some thing that are rough right now in my life with the BU. I pretty sure this is what is going on. Anyway ill persevere! How are you?

 

I'm sorry you had a rough few weeks im sure its temporary and i definitely know you will persevere!! Sometimes when youre going through all different crap in your life they start jumbling together. Nonetheless, im sorry your having a rough patch. Was it something that triggered the regression? That sucks man I'm sorry bro. Well on the brighter sad at least what you are feeling is anger and not sadness so that's always good. I'd take anger over being bummed any day! I know the path and goal is indifference but I think both of us are trying to rush it. We just have to take it day by day. We've progressed a long way from the "just kill me now days" that seemed to go on forever when all this happened. At least we are not there right

 

As for me I'm good. I go on here from time to time mainly just to see what's going on and to try to check up on your progress (yes I look for ur post just to make sure ur ok). Our situations are so similar that I wanted to see how u are doing. Things have been going good. Every now and then I miss my ex but it doesn't last long. She reached out to me a few days ago and I ignored it. Didn't even read the message. I saw it and deleted it. Didnt even bother me. I went back to the house that we shared together for the first time since our bu and i was fine. Prior to that, I was always afraid to go back there fearing the emotional pain and regression even though it is my house. I'm still not ready to date yet. I met this amazing girl and we flirt a lot. I still keep her at a distance because I really don't want to be in a relationship again (afraid of falling I guess). I still have problems attracting youngins. In fact I just found out today that some girl likes me and she's freaken 19! That's the second one in the last 6 weeks! Un-freaken-believable! Why can't the ones over 26 like me? Wth! Why do I keep getting these youngins! Oh well....other than that everything is going well. I plan to be over my ex in another month or so but by the looks of things it may take another 3 months. I don't really miss her but I do think about her often. Oh we'll just got to power through right?