grace777 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I just got back from a week-long vacation that was so involving, I had no time to think of anything but the moments that I was in. That break from thought, ironically, gave me so much clarity. I have now come to realize this: That there is a part of me, a sliver, that is still in love with her. Rather than trying to be "over" her, or hating her, or playing any games to keep her in or force her out of my life, I've just accepted that a part of me is in love with her, but it is not big enough to hinder my forward motion. I'm excited about where this new direction of my life is taking me. And I really think that a part of me will always be in love with her, and I accept that. I think it's okay, and kind of beautiful. I no longer am angry, confused, or looking for answers. I do not expect us to end up together. I am happy for her in her new adventures and I am excited for my own. But she will always be a part of me, and a part of me I cherish. I think accepting this last part is the most freeing thing I've felt in my entire 5 month process. 4
adelia Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Congrats! It sounds like you're in a good place right now. One of empowerment. A healthy one. Keep on this same path. You sound happy
stevie_23 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 This is how I feel too. That MAY change at some later point, who knows, but right now and for quite some time, this is how I've felt. I don't consider it necessary or helpful for me to push away, block out or discard the cherished memories of what I had with my ex, or to retain anger at the fact it's over and how he ended it, when I'd much prefer to appreciate the good times and how 99% of the time he treated me wonderfully. I choose to believe he loved me deeply and still does, but it just was not to be. And that's ok. Neither of us did anything purposefully to hurt the other. We were each just trying to get through, stay together while we could and survive in our lives. I will always love him, and that doesn't mean I can never move on.
Author grace777 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 Thanks Adelia and Stevie - I think I am in a good spot. I can't stress enough how great it was to be out of town, and in a circumstance that kept me so very busy that I had no time at all to think of anything. I am a thinker. And I am a person who sincerely believes that there is both a reason and a solution to everything. This has proven many times to be a blessing and even a gift, but in this breakup, it's been my downfall...not letting me move on. Having this time of mind-silence has allowed me to see clearly. And I am grateful for what we had. Wow, it was beautiful. But that era ended. And what's cool, is that new things are coming my way as we speak. So I do hope I keep this mindset. And I hope that in time, me and my ex can communicate without weirdness or strange vibes. But accepting that I'm in love with her, and that this won't change, has allowed me to move on. I keep her in a very small percentage of my heart. She taught me so much and treated me so well...until the end. So yes, I hold her there, the way I hold my great grandmother who passed away 10 years ago --- she's in my heart and I won't forget the love we shared. It is beautiful. We were beautiful. But time moves on and so must I.
stevie_23 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I think maybe you will remain where you are now for quite some time, in terms of feeling you’re in love with your ex. And that’s ok. That place of being “in love” that’s currently occupying your heart will get a little smaller and then a little smaller still over time. And then when you find someone else you fall head over heels in love with (which will happen at some stage, I can almost guarantee), that place for your ex will still remain in your heart, but it will be a feeling of fondness and appreciation as opposed to being IN love anymore.
Author grace777 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 sounds like a good plan to me!
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Traveling does wonders, doesn't it? I'm a big advocate for it. 2
cdt76 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Holy crap where did you go because I need to move there!
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I just got back from a week-long vacation that was so involving, I had no time to think of anything but the moments that I was in. That break from thought, ironically, gave me so much clarity. I have now come to realize this: That there is a part of me, a sliver, that is still in love with her. Rather than trying to be "over" her, or hating her, or playing any games to keep her in or force her out of my life, I've just accepted that a part of me is in love with her, but it is not big enough to hinder my forward motion. I'm excited about where this new direction of my life is taking me. And I really think that a part of me will always be in love with her, and I accept that. I think it's okay, and kind of beautiful. I no longer am angry, confused, or looking for answers. I do not expect us to end up together. I am happy for her in her new adventures and I am excited for my own. But she will always be a part of me, and a part of me I cherish. I think accepting this last part is the most freeing thing I've felt in my entire 5 month process. Damn. What the bloody hell am I supposed to do with all this good advice I saved up for ya.....? That's really great! I'm glad you came to these conclusions for yourself, that's actually brilliant. *Thumbs-up* pal! 1
Author grace777 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 Haha CDT, I went to New York and it's hard to explain, but the trip was chaotic...in a good way. I have taken a few other, shorter vacations, but they were more typical and mellow - the were actually relaxing and gave me time to think...something I didn't have on this trip. It was the complete removal from my normal routine, blended with the chaos and busyness that allowed me to (for once) silence my mind about the breakup. That's what helped. And I feel SO MUCH BETTER now...like I really feel healthy and relieved. The sun shines and doesn't make me think of how it used to shine with her. It just shines and is beautiful for me to enjoy. Anyways, thanks for the support everyone. Crossing my fingers that this is not a phase, but one of the last corners to turn throughout this process of Hell, also known as the mutha f-ing breakup! 1
cavalier99 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 That's awesome grace. Now stay NC so you don't back track. Solidify you forward momentum. Then in a few months if you want to catch up you wont be risking anything. Rock on! Cav 1
Author grace777 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Cav, it's like you know me! My cocky a** was thinking earlier today that I may contact my ex because now "I feel so good and confident" that nothing can bring me down. But as you pointed out, I need to stay the course on my healing path. This is no time to be overly confident or cocky - Just 2 weeks ago, I backslid based off an instagram photo, so I need to just do my thing right now. But I do feel so much peace - and so much confidence, and yes, feeling that warm, yellow sun on my skin again is so, so fine. It's like I remember the badass chick I was before we met. I lost sight of that girl while wallowing in my sadness, but I'm back bitches! haha. I really think I'm almost out of the dark, confusing, depressing chasm. At least I hope I am. For now at least, I feel great - an epiphany, an awakening. 1
cavalier99 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) Ha I had a sneaking suspicion. Lol That's so cool your feeling good. Enjoy the good days and the moment. But definitly dont get reckless and break NC. You seem like one tough gal but we are all still a little fragile whether we want to admit it or not and things can turn on a dime with a few bad moves. It like you have passed all the tests in a class with flying colors then decide not to go to class or study for the final and end up having to repeat. Stay steady till the finish and well into indifference. Just play it smart and keep that love u feel to yourself for you inner peace or it might get squashed. Your doing awesome Lol Rock on! Cav Edited February 26, 2013 by cavalier99 1
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