thewrongonee Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 My ex and I broke up last month, it was a mutual break up but mainly my fault but she wont admit it. Cutting to the chase, The relationship had problems with me losing attractions towards her and everything onward because quite boring ( Not enough sexual tension when we first met). We started communicating less and less every week, and that caused me to start NC to get my emotions together. My Question: I want to talk to her again soon, because i miss that about us the most; she got me through a lot of tough times. But im not sure if being in a relationship is the best for us. I was told ex's can never be friends, i still care about this women.. shes a kind hearted girl. I feel like if i do not find a solution soon this will keep hurting me, i cannot focus in class or at work anymore.
Author thewrongonee Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 By communicating i ment, i was the one initiating contact with her, but when we did talk.. we talked for hours, just as we first met. Exceptions to flirting and things that we obviously cannot do anymore.
Author thewrongonee Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 any advice would help guys
Love4Pain Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I'm not sure if you want to be friends or you want to get back with her? Did you resolve your loss of attraction to her? If you ended on ok terms maybe you should try to be her friend to see if you rediscover what it was that attracted you in the first place, or at least figure out why you thought it was boring so that if you try to get back together with her you aren't just following the same path that led you to break up.
Author thewrongonee Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I'm not sure if you want to be friends or you want to get back with her? Did you resolve your loss of attraction to her? If you ended on ok terms maybe you should try to be her friend to see if you rediscover what it was that attracted you in the first place, or at least figure out why you thought it was boring so that if you try to get back together with her you aren't just following the same path that led you to break up. I think i just want to be friend (still not sure), the attraction was lost from the way she dressed occasionally, and other physical traits about her body. The relationship got boring because the conversation got dull, and we did not go out as much because i did not have a car anymore and the weather was bad for months. Additionally, attraction might come back if i see her, its almost the 2nd month sine i last saw her.
pandora_be Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I think i just want to be friend (still not sure), the attraction was lost from the way she dressed occasionally, and other physical traits about her body. The relationship got boring because the conversation got dull, and we did not go out as much because i did not have a car anymore and the weather was bad for months. Additionally, attraction might come back if i see her, its almost the 2nd month sine i last saw her. Personally it is not a good sign if you feel like your gf is not more attractive then let's say 80% of other girls out there. 'Cause there is always a more attractive girl. I do not mean that 80% of your friends should find your girlfriend very attractive as well. But YOU have to find her attractive and this includes her looks and the way she dresses or at least you shouldn't bother and in that case there should be other traits that make her attractive to you. The balance between enjoying time together with a balance of silences and conversation is also the oil that keeps the engine of your relationship running. It does not matter whatever it is that you're talking about. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) I think i just want to be friend (still not sure), the attraction was lost from the way she dressed occasionally, and other physical traits about her body. The relationship got boring because the conversation got dull, and we did not go out as much because i did not have a car anymore and the weather was bad for months. Additionally, attraction might come back if i see her, its almost the 2nd month sine i last saw her. It's hard to determine what to do here. How did SHE feel about the break-up? The problem is, it's extremely unwise and impractical to get into a 'friendship' situation, when one of the two still feels romantic and loving feelings towards the other. Generally, we advise the person Dumped to go No Contact, and to STAY in No Contact for as long as it takes for them to become completely INDIFFERENT to the other person. The Dumper should stay well away, and not try to establish a friendship, because that puts the dumpee into a position of desperate hope. Hope for a reconciliation. So if you feel you were the dumped one, and she is moving on, you need to heal, so - Keep away. If you were the DUMPER - she is moving on and needs to heal - so Keep away. Edited February 25, 2013 by TaraMaiden
pandora_be Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 It's hard to determine what to do here. How did SHE feel about the break-up? The problem is, it's extremely unwise and impractical to get into a 'friendship' situation, when one of the two still feels romantic and loving feelings towards the other. Generally, we advise the person Dumped to go No Contact, and to STAY in No Contact for as long as it takes for them to become completely INDIFFERENT to the other person. The Dumper should stay well away, and not try to establish a friendship, because that puts the dumpee into a position of desperate hope. Hope for a reconciliation. So if you feel you were the dumped one, and she is moving on, you need to heal, so - Keep away. If you were the DUMPER - she is moving on and needs to heal - so Keep away. Yeah right, well some people need to try and see if their hope is genuine. Especially if you are in NC and you notice your hope is not fading. It is best to seek confrontation. Love is full of risks in my opinion. But love should not be confused with being obsessed about someone. When contacting your ex again you should be sure that they are investing enough and you are the only judge for that. Otherwise it had been better that you dumped her instead of the other way around.
Author thewrongonee Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Yeah right, well some people need to try and see if their hope is genuine. Especially if you are in NC and you notice your hope is not fading. It is best to seek confrontation. Love is full of risks in my opinion. But love should not be confused with being obsessed about someone. When contacting your ex again you should be sure that they are investing enough and you are the only judge for that. Otherwise it had been better that you dumped her instead of the other way around. Thanks for the response, and I agree love is full of risks. Ultimatley, I hurt her.. i took her for granted. I made stupid mistakes that made her feel like garbage, which is what led to the break up. I feel like she has power over me since the break up, but when we do talk it feels..normal... I don't know how to describe it. I admit i feel lonely right now, I feel as if I'm in a dark place. I just want her back in my life, not sure as a friend or a Gf. ( she decided to end the relationship because of my behavior towards her, and yes i am the Dumpee now). Before i started NC (to get my emotions together) she said she still cares about me, that HAS to mean something. I'm planing on texting her next week, sparking a fun conversation, hopefully shes not mad at me. If things go well, ill ask her to meet at a coffee shop and talk about few things, our relationship and where to go from there. IF that's a bad idea, please tell me what else to do.. anything would help.
pandora_be Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Thanks for the response, and I agree love is full of risks. Ultimatley, I hurt her.. i took her for granted. I made stupid mistakes that made her feel like garbage, which is what led to the break up. I feel like she has power over me since the break up, but when we do talk it feels..normal... I don't know how to describe it. I admit i feel lonely right now, I feel as if I'm in a dark place. I just want her back in my life, not sure as a friend or a Gf. ( she decided to end the relationship because of my behavior towards her, and yes i am the Dumpee now). Before i started NC (to get my emotions together) she said she still cares about me, that HAS to mean something. I'm planing on texting her next week, sparking a fun conversation, hopefully shes not mad at me. If things go well, ill ask her to meet at a coffee shop and talk about few things, our relationship and where to go from there. IF that's a bad idea, please tell me what else to do.. anything would help. Wait until you don't feel lonely anymore, you'll be in a much better position to talk to her. the day you meet you should treat her like any other old friend girl you like and want something more with. The history you two have together has good parts and bad parts but since you broke up, it is rather a disadvantage to a new girl. don't talk about why your relationship ended until you are back together for a few weeks, I guess. talk about the now and the future. where are you taking things etc...
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) I hurt her.. i took her for granted. I made stupid mistakes that made her feel like garbage, which is what led to the break up. I feel like she has power over me since the break up, . This is a dangerous thing to admit.... It sounds like you were responsible for some pretty nasty behaviour during the relationship, and now that she's dumped you, you feel you've lost control and you want power over her, back..... You need to back off until she feels adequately confident to believe that she can trust you to be back in your company again. You've only been broken up a month. What is there in place that could possibly convince her - Now - that not only are you capable of change, that you are in the process of changing? What on earth makes you think you have done what it takes to make her feel comfortable about being in a relationship with you, again? Because if this - I hurt her.. i took her for granted. I made stupid mistakes that made her feel like garbage, - is why she broke up with you, in her place, I'd be very, very wary of even meeting you for coffee. And hearing from you now would be too soon. Take responsibility - they weren't 'mistakes'. You chose to act in that way. It wasn't accidental, it was deliberate thought. Your 'mistake' was to believe it was ok for you to do that. Her leaving taught you a lesson. So take that lesson and improve yourself - BEFORE attempting contact. Edited February 26, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Author thewrongonee Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 This is a dangerous thing to admit.... It sounds like you were responsible for some pretty nasty behaviour during the relationship, and now that she's dumped you, you feel you've lost control and you want power over her, back..... You need to back off until she feels adequately confident to believe that she can trust you to be back in your company again. You've only been broken up a month. What is there in place that could possibly convince her - Now - that not only are you capable of change, that you are in the process of changing? What on earth makes you think you have done what it takes to make her feel comfortable about being in a relationship with you, again? Because if this - - is why she broke up with you, in her place, I'd be very, very wary of even meeting you for coffee. And hearing from you now would be too soon. Take responsibility - they weren't 'mistakes'. You chose to act in that way. It wasn't accidental, it was deliberate thought. Your 'mistake' was to believe it was ok for you to do that. Her leaving taught you a lesson. So take that lesson and improve yourself - BEFORE attempting contact. Thanks Tara for the response and being honest with me, I agree 100% with you. I am improving my self, and i have learned from my mistakes ( I think about them every night). I just feel like sometimes i am emotionally fine, but then there are days i miss her dearly. I know every week is helping me cope better, and by next week I feel i will be completely ready to open up to her. But how should or can i make her believe me..that is my deep dark question.
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