Bad ending to second date

February 24, 2013

Yikes. You need to chill. Probably easier said than done at this point, as you declared her "future wife" on date #1. Imagine a girl making a similar thread! She'd sound nuts, right?? You took an hour to text her back after she had just told her she was finishing her shift and was "dead tired." Perhaps she, oh I don't know...went home and went to sleep??

February 24, 2013

You have probably scared her off by rushing into things. Also why are you texting so much? In fact why are texting at all? Technology should not be replacing human interaction. You're doing all this texting and it's any wonder that you two have anything to discuss when you meet face-to-face on your dates.

From that last text exchange between it looks (to me at least) like two friends exchanging text messages.

I work during the week as does she. We live about an hour apart but she works in my neighborhood weekends. So we text to stay in touch. We've had no shortage of things to talk about. After our hike we sat at a bench and talked another hour and half. On the first date, we talked till 330AM in the car before we made out.

I guess at some level I'm comparing her to the girl I was with 15 years ago she reminds me so much of. And because the relationship hasn't moved at the same irrational pace (2 weeks together every day then basically she moved in), I'm panicking.

February 24, 2013

I work during the week as does she. We live about an hour apart but she works in my neighborhood weekends. So we text to stay in touch. We've had no shortage of things to talk about. After our hike we sat at a bench and talked another hour and half. On the first date, we talked till 330AM in the car before we made out.

I guess at some level I'm comparing her to the girl I was with 15 years ago she reminds me so much of. And because the relationship hasn't moved at the same irrational pace (2 weeks together every day then basically she moved in), I'm panicking.

Texting throughout the day endlessly is something I always thought would be an attraction killer and why do two people who are just dating need to be constantly in contact with each other? It doesn't seem like normal behaviour to me. If you two were in a relationship I could understand the odd text/phone call here and there, but when you're dating? It seems excessive to me.

February 24, 2013

I work during the week as does she. We live about an hour apart but she works in my neighborhood weekends. So we text to stay in touch. We've had no shortage of things to talk about. After our hike we sat at a bench and talked another hour and half. On the first date, we talked till 330AM in the car before we made out.

I guess at some level I'm comparing her to the girl I was with 15 years ago she reminds me so much of. And because the relationship hasn't moved at the same irrational pace (2 weeks together every day then basically she moved in), I'm panicking.

Please chill out if you dont want to ruin a good thing (looks like it) you have so far.

I was like this when I first entered the dating field 7 years ago, so I do understand your pain.

February 24, 2013

Texting throughout the day endlessly is something I always thought would be an attraction killer and why do two people who are just dating need to be constantly in contact with each other? It doesn't seem like normal behaviour to me. If you two were in a relationship I could understand the odd text/phone call here and there, but when you're dating? It seems excessive to me.

Well that's a different perspective I'll take note of because my perception of the texting is not that way at all. I see it as flirting and would never do it so frequently once the "honeymoon" stage is over. We've both said a lot of suggestive but not overtly sexual things. We're both performers so I recorded a song and texted it to her. She replied with a song of her own.

February 24, 2013

You have to do what is best for you and if you don't believe that texting a lot will harm your chances or is excessive then pay me no heed. I am merely just throwing a different perspective out there. I prefer oral, face-to-face communication, so texting and phone calls are not things I like to engage in a lot. I will only text/call to confirm plans in the dating stage.

February 24, 2013

Well that's a different perspective I'll take note of because my perception of the texting is not that way at all. I see it as flirting and would never do it so frequently once the "honeymoon" stage is over. We've both said a lot of suggestive but not overtly sexual things. We're both performers so I recorded a song and texted it to her. She replied with a song of her own.

Yeah I find it annoying when guys text alot and then stop suddenly because the chase is over...I prefer more stable people

February 24, 2013

My advice may be controversial but it's not only what's worked for me, it's what's worked for pretty much every other happily married couple we know.

I think you should stop with the games. With that I mean if you want to talk to her or see her, do it! Don't wait for some arbitrary date to come about or listen to your buddy that you'll come off desperate. You said yourself you never acted like this before, this feels different, so GO with that.

I met and married my husband all within 6 mos! We are still very much so in love. (married now over 7 years) It's the same for other couples that we know that are happily married. Some times when you know, you know. It felt that way for my husband and I. We were both divorced for a pretty long time. Both of us had disastrous dating experiences. Neither of us had the desire to marry some one so quickly so it most definitely was not a matter of desperation and we would have married anyone who asked.

I was at the point where I seriously didn't think I would re marry and was happy on my own, because I didn't need the b.s. and stress of the dating world. It's so ridiculous the games that people play.

So if you feel this is different, tell her! Tell her you don't want to put pressure but you really feel differently and you'd like to see where it goes. You can't scare the "right" one away with honesty, you just can't.

When you told her that you needed to get her blanket back, it could read that you don't want anything more to do with her (thanks to your listening to your friend and backing off) And for cryin' out loud, TALK to her via phone and plan a date. Don't keep texting important things.

Granted what we did may have worked because we were older and therefore done with b.s. and games, but like I said we have friends in our circle that have been married close to 30 years and when they met...they too, just knew and it grew from there.

February 24, 2013

You have to do what is best for you and if you don't believe that texting a lot will harm your chances or is excessive then pay me no heed. I am merely just throwing a different perspective out there. I prefer oral, face-to-face communication, so texting and phone calls are not things I like to engage in a lot. I will only text/call to confirm plans in the dating stage.

How often can u see someone face to face if you work a full-time job? So u just don't want to talk on the phone at all huh?

February 24, 2013

My advice may be controversial but it's not only what's worked for me, it's what's worked for pretty much every other happily married couple we know.

I think you should stop with the games. With that I mean if you want to talk to her or see her, do it! Don't wait for some arbitrary date to come about or listen to your buddy that you'll come off desperate. You said yourself you never acted like this before, this feels different, so GO with that.

I met and married my husband all within 6 mos! We are still very much so in love. (married now over 7 years) It's the same for other couples that we know that are happily married. Some times when you know, you know. It felt that way for my husband and I. We were both divorced for a pretty long time. Both of us had disastrous dating experiences. Neither of us had the desire to marry some one so quickly so it most definitely was not a matter of desperation and we would have married anyone who asked.

I was at the point where I seriously didn't think I would re marry and was happy on my own, because I didn't need the b.s. and stress of the dating world. It's so ridiculous the games that people play.

So if you feel this is different, tell her! Tell her you don't want to put pressure but you really feel differently and you'd like to see where it goes. You can't scare the "right" one away with honesty, you just can't.

When you told her that you needed to get her blanket back, it could read that you don't want anything more to do with her (thanks to your listening to your friend and backing off) And for cryin' out loud, TALK to her via phone and plan a date. Don't keep texting important things.

Granted what we did may have worked because we were older and therefore done with b.s. and games, but like I said we have friends in our circle that have been married close to 30 years and when they met...they too, just knew and it grew from there.

I wish I could "like" your post 1000 times...

So here's the thing with me. I'm a total nerd. I like nerdy things like sci-fi, strategy games, and talking about anthropology and theoretical physics. I also love pretty girls. Really pretty girls. My hobbies and interests (other than music) are frankly not congruous at all with 99% of pretty girls (especially in bars in LA). I met one beautiful girl 15 years ago who liked all the same things I did but I was too immature for the relationship (she was older than me). Over the years, as I developed my confidence, much through my band and music, I developed my "game" and now routinely date the kinds of girls I'm physically attracted to. But they have been empty relationships for me as they were smart but not nerdy. Lawyers and doctors are smart but not nerdy. Physicists are nerdy. I just don't connect with most pretty women so I have casual sex or empty relationships. I have a date tonight with a pretty Harvard grad but I already know it's just another empty encounter for me.

So this girl I met last week, her eyes lit up when I told her I was a video game designer for a living. Then she started talking to me about all her favorite video games and nerdy hobbies. I was in love. Totally not what I expect from an actress at a bar. During our hike we talked about all sorts of nerdy hobbies and how she hated that she had to keep a certain appearance to be successful in acting. She asked me if I felt the same social pressure just being in LA (La la land). We both agreed we hate all the "games". These are not the conversations I have with all the other pretty girls.

Now I'm playing the same goddam games we were complaining about. 15 years ago my ex, was so incredibly direct. She threw all pretense out the window and just went for it. That's what wowed me most about her. I felt I was headed down the same path this time but somehow I derailed it yesterday.

My parents married after 6 months and have been together 46 years. They never played games and are the happiest couple I know. It's actually kind of oppressive because it's such a hard example to live up to. I want that so badly and am putting a ton of pressure on this young relationship because it's so different than all the others.

February 24, 2013

So basically you like really pretty girls with nerdy interests. Those are hard to find. Most women who like the stuff you stated will not meet your high physical standards

I lived in LA for 1 year and a half and I couldnt stand the majority of men I met in general...the culture there is not for me at all. Honestly your casual sex entitlement you talk about is a huge turn off. And that is the kind of attitude I encountered all the time in LA...oh youre not good enough for me but Ill use you for sex. Nope

February 25, 2013

So basically you like really pretty girls with nerdy interests. Those are hard to find. Most women who like the stuff you stated will not meet your high physical standards

I lived in LA for 1 year and a half and I couldnt stand the majority of men I met in general...the culture there is not for me at all. Honestly your casual sex entitlement you talk about is a huge turn off. And that is the kind of attitude I encountered all the time in LA...oh youre not good enough for me but Ill use you for sex. Nope

Yup that's LA in a nutshell. I hate it actually but you learn to adapt. Frankly though it's much easier for a guy to get by in this environment than a woman so I understand why you left. My future wife told me she hates it here but is only here for her career...

February 25, 2013

Yup that's LA in a nutshell. I hate it actually but you learn to adapt. Frankly though it's much easier for a guy to get by in this environment than a woman so I understand why you left. My future wife told me she hates it here but is only here for her career...

So sound like me, looking for a AMY from Big Bang Theory

February 25, 2013

Yup that's LA in a nutshell. I hate it actually but you learn to adapt. Frankly though it's much easier for a guy to get by in this environment than a woman so I understand why you left. My future wife told me she hates it here but is only here for her career...

Yeah Id rather date someone who doesnt learn to adapt to a misogynistic culture and actually respects women and sees them as human beings rather than sexual commodities personally. I took that line from another user here, cannot remember who, but that pretty much sums up alot of men and most men in LA.

I find it interesting you like how she isnt into the hookup culture but you are. It always amuses me how men who participate in casual sex feel entitled to a purer less promiscuous girl. I would say she could find a guy who is closer to her values. I am turned off by men who have a lot of casual sex yet seem to highly value the fact that Im not into it. Why should I settle for a promiscuous guy when Im not promiscuous?

Edited February 25, 2013 by kimberlydoll

February 25, 2013

Yep, I understand that completely. My husband was in a band back in the day. So I understand the whole groupie thing being a turn off.

Honestly though, I agree with Kimberly the using women for sex is a huge turn off, so try to change that. Your past doesn't define your future. One of the huge turn ons for me was the fact that my husband put those desires on the back burner so he could focus on his daughter. I respected that so much that he could just shelve those needs and not use people.

I too am an enigma of sorts. I'm Christian but with a high sex drive and wanted someone that would want to work at keeping that spark alive or like I said, I wasn't going to bother. I got very tired of guys just seeing the "face" and not wanting to know my heart. Of saying all the pretty things to get me to bed and then....well just being jerks. Meanwhile saying they were Christian. Or else some Christian I met was so booooring. So I swore it off. I seriously shut that part down and prayed on it. The next man that I would go to bed with would be my husband, no ifs and or buts. If he wasn't on board I didn't give a flying fig, I would next him. So I left the dating world and worked on me and came back with my list of deal breakers. A big one was for him to say what he means and do what he says.

I get that wouldn't work for everyone. But my point is I did find my match. Basically by not caring if I did, but also knowing to be me and realize the right guy wouldn't be scared off by it. There is no right or wrong time line in love. For some they need to let things develop slowly otherwise they feel pressure of things moving too fast. Others of us don't like games so need to find someone with the same mind set. The point is finding someone that meshing with you for you and that you don't have to put on some act.

But you say you're putting on pressure. It shouldn't feel that way. That is one thing that was very different this time. It was easy and flowed, there was no erratic high in the sky euphoria, just an amazing electricity but really grounded with an ease of not wondering this or that. Being able to communicate anything and having no fear of what that would mean. Really able to be ourselves.

If he said he would call he did. If he said he would be there he was. I never felt so safe and thereby being able to open myself up even more, it really is incredible when it's the right one. He's a one woman man, never multi dated same as me. He loved that even though I'm highly sexual I have very strong morals, as is he, that's not always easy to find. We had the exact same morals, the exact same world view, political views, shared music, art outdoors, the beauty in God's artwork and are insanely attracted to each other!

So, yeah I think you should lose the whole casual sex thing and put yourself out there to see if she really is the one.

Edited February 25, 2013 by truthbetold

February 25, 2013

Yeah Id rather date someone who doesnt learn to adapt to a misogynistic culture and actually respects women and sees them as human beings rather than sexual commodities personally. I took that line from another user here, cannot remember who, but that pretty much sums up alot of men and most men in LA.

I find it interesting you like how she isnt into the hookup culture but you are. It always amuses me how men who participate in casual sex feel entitled to a purer less promiscuous girl. I would say she could find a guy who is closer to her values. I am turned off by men who have a lot of casual sex yet seem to highly value the fact that Im not into it. Why should I settle for a promiscuous guy when Im not promiscuous?

How am I anymore in the hookup culture than she is? We both professed we hate it but are part of it. Perhaps we're both hypocrites? After all she's a hostess at a bar/restaurant. We met at a bar. She clearly goes to a bar every single night after she gets off work. That's essentially what I'm doing by hanging around a bar after a gig... NOW This is perhaps the only thing she told me that was a hard read (as in I have no idea if she was flirting or telling the truth). She mentioned she is bi (but 80% hetero). Later in the night she jokingly suggested going to a strip club we drove past. I asked her if she'd been and said she used to work there, then smiled. I took it as a joke but who knows.

Also FWIW I never had a one night stand my first 36 years, though have had a few in the past 12 months. It's gotten old really fast and I know it's not for me. There was alot of empty dating from 26-30 before my marriage. Meaning relationships that I knew didn't compare to my ex from 22.

February 25, 2013

But you say you're putting on pressure. It shouldn't feel that way. That is one thing that was very different this time. It was easy and flowed, there was no erratic high in the sky euphoria, just an amazing electricity but really grounded with an ease of not wondering this or that. Being able to communicate anything and having no fear of what that would mean. Really able to be ourselves.

If he said he would call he did. If he said he would be there he was. I never felt so safe and thereby being able to open myself up even more, it really is incredible when it's the right one. He's a one woman man, never multi dated same as me. He loved that even though I'm highly sexual I have very strong morals, as is he, that's not always easy to find. We had the exact same morals, the exact same world view, political views, shared music, art outdoors, the beauty in God's artwork and are insanely attracted to each other!

So, yeah I think you should lose the whole casual sex thing and put yourself out there to see if she really is the one.

You've given terrific advice. The "pressure" didn't actually start I decided to intentionally slow things down. Not kissing her after the hike, not seeing her last night after work when I wanted to etc.. Everything flowed so naturally up until that point. She's working again tonight so maybe I'll just go see her afterwards. Tell her about the games I started playing and how it was a mistake and just let her know how I really feel. Obviously something has gone wrong as i haven't heard from her all day. We didn't go more than an hour or two without contact the last 6 days.

February 25, 2013

Yeah, just be yourself!

Let us know how it goes.

February 25, 2013

How often can u see someone face to face if you work a full-time job? So u just don't want to talk on the phone at all huh?

Why do you need to be constant contact with a girl who you're just going on dates with? It seems excessive to me. I'd much rather spend less time on my phone and more time having a variety of things to talk about on a date.

February 25, 2013

Yeah Id rather date someone who doesnt learn to adapt to a misogynistic culture and actually respects women and sees them as human beings rather than sexual commodities personally. I took that line from another user here, cannot remember who, but that pretty much sums up alot of men and most men in LA.

I find it interesting you like how she isnt into the hookup culture but you are. It always amuses me how men who participate in casual sex feel entitled to a purer less promiscuous girl. I would say she could find a guy who is closer to her values. I am turned off by men who have a lot of casual sex yet seem to highly value the fact that Im not into it. Why should I settle for a promiscuous guy when Im not promiscuous?

OMG! I wish I could like this a MILLION times. I'm a nerdy, non-promiscuous woman and quite pretty I'm told. I feel the same way about hypocritical promiscuous men: Wanting to marry the pure girls but treat like crap all the others. Gimme a break!!

February 25, 2013

I had a second date today that ended with a hug and an affectionate smile. Driving home I felt horrible as it was such a crash from the euphoria of our meeting and first date. I'm wondering if I'm overreacting and reading too much into what was just a few seconds of interaction - but it's driving me nuts right now.

We met at a bar Sunday. She was very attractive so I approached her. We hit it off immediately, and within minutes I realized she was so much more than a pretty face. Same interests, same political/religious views, good school, and we had this great interaction and playful banter. All of a sudden I was thinking, holy crap, is she the one? Near last call, we exchanged numbers and parted ways.

Normally I send a nice to meet you text and then try to setup a date a few days later or something. The "I'm interested but not too interested" BS. This meeting just felt "special" and totally different. So I texted her as soon as I got home and asked her out the very next day. She accepted which was a pretty clear sign the feeling was mutual.

Our first date was literally the best first date I've ever had. She is stunningly beautiful and the most interesting girl I've ever met. We have so much in common its scary. I decided halfway through dinner she is my future wife. After dinner I took her to a bar and we hung out for several more hours. I took control of the entire evening and I could tell she was very attracted to my assertiveness. 330AM we were still talking in the car. To me that was a telltale sign I was in like flint. Anyway, we started making out and I think I could have gone further but intentionally stopped because I didn't want her to think this was about sex.

We've texted each other constantly throughout the week. I suggested a hike today because I didn't want every date to end with getting drunk at a bar. We spent a very good afternoon together. Again great conversation and some flirting. We held hands a bit. But it felt somewhat like a step back. Then at the end of the date, we hugged. I didn't even try to kiss her because frankly I was a little sweaty and had a parched mouth after a 7 mile hike. And she didn't give me any body language suggesting she wanted me to. But when I drove off I had this horrible "did we just become friends" panic attack. Again perhaps I'm overreacting and this is just a letdown after our amazing meeting and first date.

Can others give me some perspective here? In all likelihood I'll just text her later tonight and feel things out, but man is it driving me nuts right now...

I highlighted the creepiest part of your post. This probably came across and you've only met her twice. Very off putting.

A 7 mile hike on a 2nd date was also a bad move. You want to get closer to her and ADVANCE from the last date... so you got her to dress down and made her trawl through the woods? This is more of a couples activity and even at that she would REALLY need to like hiking.

There was no way to ramp up the attraction on a date like that, no way to get more intimate.

It's touch and go if you'll get a 3rd. If she REALLY likes you, then the awkwardness was just because you'd already kissed but too a step backwards and too her on a very asexual date that took things backwards... probably makes you look very unconfident.

If she's wishy washy about you then you're done unfortunately.

February 25, 2013

OMG! I wish I could like this a MILLION times. I'm a nerdy, non-promiscuous woman and quite pretty I'm told. I feel the same way about hypocritical promiscuous men: Wanting to marry the pure girls but treat like crap all the others. Gimme a break!!

Yeah I figured that based on your posts and I am the same exact way as you (nerdy, non-promiscuous, told Im pretty).

I have never put out early or slept with a guy who I didnt want long term wise or see long term potential in and Id really rather not date a guy who has a history of alot of casual sex (though when I am actually dating, I dont ask but I find most men volunteer this information or it comes out) All the men I dated who had a history of casual sex were impulsive and selfish when their true colors came out so it is a self protective motivation. I get flamed on this site all the time for stating this though

February 25, 2013

Promiscuous men who expect girls who havent slept around as girlfriends honestly crack me up. Talk about sense of entitlement. Though I think this girl the OP talks about isnt "non promoscious" but just caves in due to social pressure and hates it like the OP.

February 26, 2013

I highlighted the creepiest part of your post. This probably came across and you've only met her twice. Very off putting.

There is nothing creepy about it unless you assume every person in the world is a potential stalker. You people are so damn jaded and defensive, that's why both sexes play all these ridiculous games, and there are so many broken relationships. It leads to a lot of sadness and loneliness.

I followed truthbetold's advice and just went and saw her at her work Sunday. We talked for only about 20 minutes but I was totally honest with her. I told her that I thought our meeting and first date were amazing but that I pulled back a little and started to play games this weekend. She felt exactly the same so was especially confused/rejected by the hike and subsequent texts this weekend, especially when I didn't reply to her implied invite late Saturday. She intentionally did not reply to my texts for hours too. We promised each other no more games. No more delayed replies to texts. No more implied invites. Just invite or ask. Or not. We agreed to a fresh start next weekend. So all this BS advice from my friends and MOST on this forum to pull back, not smother, you're crazy for declaring her future wife is dead wrong. Just be honest with your feelings no matter how crazy they may seem. If it's genuine its genuine. They'll only think you're a stalker if they're not interested or have way too many walls.

Truthbetold thank you for you amazing words of wisdom. It gave me clarity. KimberlyDoll, I know you disapprove of some of my past choices but thanks for being constructive without judging. And for the others, well best left unsaid...

Sign In

Bad ending to second date

Recommended Posts

kiss_andmakeup

CryForNoOne

Shardish

kimberlydoll

CryForNoOne

Shardish

kimberlydoll

truthbetold

PhillyDude

CryForNoOne

kimberlydoll

CryForNoOne

PhillyDude

kimberlydoll

truthbetold

CryForNoOne

CryForNoOne

ja123

Shardish

silvermercy

Estate

pbjbear

kimberlydoll

CryForNoOne

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...