TailSpin75 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I'm making my way through grieving process. Entering week 12 since finding out (out of the blue to me) STBXW wants divorce (after 17 years that I thought were solid), 9 weeks since moving out, 3 weeks since last interaction and papers filed. No hatred or arguements have taken place. Fully committed to no contact rule (amazing benefits) and to recovering completely with minimal (if any) set back. As always, I welcome advice, encouragement, or support of any kind. I've been a hot f-ing mess, bitter at times, but mainly sad, hurt, and lonely. Been journaling, talking with friends and sister - trying to let it out and move toward acceptance. 'They' said I would get angry, that it's part of the process. I've been waiting, looking forward to feeling something different. Anger simply not a part of my character, but when I woke up this morning, it was anger that greeted me. Two things surprised me (1) that I was angry (2) the urges that come with anger. When I'm really down - I know I want to hear from her (I know it won't happen but the want is there). With the anger - I wanted to contact her and let her know how f***ed up I think she is (I refuse to contact her though no good can come of it, plus she no longer deserves to know me or my feelings). I understand that to properly 'handle' the anger part of the grieving process I need to let it out rather than stew and keep it in. I have confessed the thoughts to friends and my sister that I believe are causing this anger. Also been cranking out push ups all day. (Nice to feel a sense of control that anger provides, also it does not zap motivation was productive today). Tried to journal but it's difficult with hands shaking and so much adrenaline pumping through my body. So I come here to pour out those thoughts that are causing this anger. (You meaning STBXW) I am angry that you have quit on this marriage. I am angry that you allowed your feelings for me to fade away. I am angry that you never talked with me despite my persistence in asking you if you were happy. I am angry you lied about being happy. I am stark f-ing pissed off that you confided in another man and developed feelings for him. I am angry that you have been so selfish. I am angry that that you broke this family, the family I lived for. I'm angry that you betrayed us when we trusted you. I'm angry that you lied to us when we loved you. I am angry that you have forsaken me. I am angry that you were so self righteous in your demeanor when you ended this marriage. I am angry that she is not the woman in my minds eye. I am angry that she will not realize that she is making a mistake and just make this go away (I realize these are not realistic but they are the thoughts making me angry). I am angry that she has made me miserable. I am angry that she is stress-free while I fight eveyday to keep myself from falling apart. I am angry that the world is so insensitive - that it does go on despite my suffering. I am angry that the recovery process for an unwanted divorce is so long. I'm angry that chooing to not love is not like flipping a switch. I'm angry that my mind is so quick to understand and accept what my heart is so desperate to cling to. I am angry that the life I thought I had 12 weeks ago was not real. I'm angry that this 'new' life (which I do not want) was something I had no choice in. Just had to get those thoughts out... going to do more push ups...
Darren Steez Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 You want to tucker yourself out, try descending ladders, 10 chair dips followed by 10 push-ups, then 9 dips, 9 push-ups, decreasing all the way down to 1 You get alot of frustration out...after a couple of months you'll be big as hell!!
Author TailSpin75 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 Ebb and flow... back to being a hot mess today. Can't turn the waterworks off today...
Darren Steez Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I'm a keeper inner. Meaning I get angry, sad or whatever I tend to bottle it inside, obviously this isn't good because when it does spill out it tends to be like a barrier holding back flood waters. I went through a very dark period in my life but it came to a point where I couldn't bury it inside anymore, there was just way too much, so I wrote it down, how I was feeling, what I was going through and it did help. But this journal almost became like a piece of evil dark matter, every page was filled with pain and venom, I used to carry it wherever I went in case I needed to write something down, until one new years day I accidentally left it somewhere. I was in a panic fortunately I went back to the place and found it. About an hour later I lost it again, this time for good, at the time I was pissed but looking back it was like an omen, a sign. New Years day, a new beginning, letting go of the old nonsense, the pain, the hurt, moving forward and healing. So write if you need to, get everything out in the open, some days are rougher than others but you have the strength to pull through and not let someone dictate your life like this. Good luck
Oberfeldwebel Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I know you are in a horrible situation at this time and still have a tough row to hoe. However, I see you doing some very good things here, that will help you out of this situation. First venting your frustrations on here and journaling are good things. Secondly, exercise will make a healthier happier you in the long run, no matter what she does, one way or the other. I think that you need to invest more time in your hobbies or start one that you have always wanted to try. This will lead you to meeting new people and make a more interesting you in the future. You also have to say to yourself F* it. She can be with a great person like you or some Barney that just wants to use her. There are plenty of women that want the new and improved you that will come out of this situation.
Author TailSpin75 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 I did manage to get out today. Got coffe this morning with a buddy then we went to church (first time for me in 12 years). I was there, but not really 'there'. Came back to this empty apartment and just let the saddness and hurt wash over me. I spent a good deal of time journaling the thoughts I had (have) that bring the saddness. Looking at the loss and really just letting it hit me. I understand this to be part of the grieving process - to let those emotions out, express them, talk about them (called my sister), and write them out. 6 pm here now - exhausted. Just holding out for bedtime now...
Steadfast Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Despite being viewed as a negative, anger is normal when we've been betrayed, hoodwinked or lied to. If that doesn't make you angry, you're probably a doormat with no self esteem. You should be angry. It's an important step in the process of healing. Many times, the conflict lies in your heart. Unlike your head (where the anger lives) the heart sees anger as yet another sign that the one it loves isn't coming back. This begins the push-pull cycle of wanting / loathing or rejection / need. In the end, both realize and feel the abandonment. The truth? You love her. How could you feel any other way? This is why I always advise people to not feel bad about feeling bad. There is no option. I am angry that she is stress-free while I fight eveyday to keep myself from falling apart. That's an assumption. You have no idea what she's feeling or going through, even if she puts on a front. As the one who wanted out, her path through the breaking of a marriage and family will be different than yours. Right now, you're on the bottom with no place to look but up. Her? She's on the top of the scale, busy justifying her decision. Your line will slowly ascend, her line will slowly descend. You will rebuild and rediscover happiness, keenly aware that broken promises and disappointment is part of life. She will continue to justify her actions, leading her to a position where everyone who knows her understands what she's capable of. Just because you don't see pain doesn't mean it isn't there. In fact, you'll be the one person she tries hardest to convince. But whatever happens, don't fall into the trap of allowing her suffering to bring you satisfaction. If her suffering brings you joy, her joy will bring you suffering. I am angry that the world is so insensitive - that it does go on despite my suffering. All true, and very good that you recognize that. When the time is right, you'll jump back into the spin. When that happens, you'll look at the brokenhearted standing on the sidelines and understand exactly what they're going through. You'll know they'll have to work it out. No one can do it for them. You're in the middle of the process, but it isn't forever. Use your anger to refuse lies and separate yourself from betrayal. When that fuel is used up, toss it aside. Hanging onto anger that's past its prime will make you bitter, and bitter isn't sexy. Learn from this but don't allow it to sour you. In time and if you put in the work, you'll eventually become indifferent to her. You can emerge from this a stronger and wiser person. 1
Steen719 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I understand this to be part of the grieving process - to let those emotions out, express them, talk about them (called my sister), and write them out. 6 pm here now - exhausted. Just holding out for bedtime now... I had (still have, but never look at it) a journal. It helped and it also served to let me know how far I have come. Your pain is so new and it is awful, many of us know how it feels. When I first moved out, I was only working from home and I would sit and cry, sleep, stay up late so I could sleep during the day...what a mess I was. My brother and niece called me every day and a friend used to ask me to do anything with her - I even went to her Dr. appointments with her - lol. It gets better and now I work out of the home as well as at home. I'm better than I was. Right now, you're on the bottom with no place to look but up. Her? She's on the top of the scale, busy justifying her decision. Your line will slowly ascend, her line will slowly descend. You will rebuild and rediscover happiness, keenly aware that broken promises and disappointment is part of life. She will continue to justify her actions, leading her to a position where everyone who knows her understands what she's capable of. Just because you don't see pain doesn't mean it isn't there. In fact, you'll be the one person she tries hardest to convince. But whatever happens, don't fall into the trap of allowing her suffering to bring you satisfaction. If her suffering brings you joy, her joy will bring you suffering. So, I have to say that I did not believe this^^^, but Steadfast is right. I have gotten better, slowly, but steadily. XH was on a high, new gf, moved in with her, never called to see if I needed anything, acted like I was dead (read my story - it is not a pretty story) and he did not spend much time with our son, who is 22, in college and pretty much thinks his dad is an ass. The worm has turned. Now, he and his gf broke up and he has apologized, says I didn't deserve what he did, always cared about me (that was funny! ). He is not so high on his horse now. I honestly would not want to be in his shoes and know that the only reason he doesn't have his family is looking at himself in the mirror. He wants forgiveness, but I told him that forgiveness would be for me, not him. He will need to make his own peace. I actively tried to let go of my bitterness. It was only hurting me and it sure didn't hurt him. I feel sorry for him. What a change. You will be on the roller coaster of emotions for a while. For me, it was a really good 6 months of crying, anger (not so much) and then a few good days. I learned to just be grateful for the good days and when the bad days came again, I knew it would get better again. I am a firm believer that you have to go through the pain to heal. Depend on your friends. Call your sister, go to a divorce support group, get out whenever you can, even if you don't want to, exercise, walk a lot and cry - get it out of you. You will feel better. You will. Great big HUGS! 2
worldgonewrong Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Right now, you're on the bottom with no place to look but up. Her? She's on the top of the scale, busy justifying her decision. Your line will slowly ascend, her line will slowly descend. You will rebuild and rediscover happiness, keenly aware that broken promises and disappointment is part of life. She will continue to justify her actions, leading her to a position where everyone who knows her understands what she's capable of. I know somebody else quoted this, but darn it, I have to, too. This is eminently quotable. It's truer than true. 1
fred sanford Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Hey bro, I'm literally going through the same exact thing....only difference is im not divorced...she moved in with family, and this separation is hard.....I've been no contact for about a week now....and I'm thrown in this space where i dnt wanna be...it sucks so bad and it hurts.....my heart is so attatched to this woman and she wants to be single or atleast dnt wanna be with me......well all we can do is worry about ourselves...I'm goin 2 do push UPS now.....so im right along with u.....take care bro and let me know how things play out
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